Hanging By A Moment

Title: Hanging By A Moment (from the song by Lifehouse)
Part: 1/1
Pairing: Nicky/Howie
Author: Jules
Feedback: Send Here
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: don't believe me.. I have a tendancy to make stuff up!! Warning: This is slash.. Mind you it's rather mild slash but still slash. You don't like it.. don't read it! As soon as I press send and you open it.. it fails to become my responsibility!!!

Desperate for changing, starving for truth
Closer to where I started, chasing after you

Howie looked across the room to where the object of his desire was sitting, conversing with a group of people and sighed. He couldn’t believe just how much Nick was partying lately. It was getting out of control and he didn’t know what to do or how to approach it. Some nights the younger man scared him and it shouldn’t be that way. Howie should never have to be afraid when Nick left the hotel to party, should never have to entertain the thought that tonight could be the night that something went wrong, that Nick went too far. It wasn’t as though he could really say anything to him about it, he did the same thing. He partied just as much, drank as much, entertained as many women, and did as much of everything that Nick did, sometimes more. Sometimes he did more to forget. To lose himself in the euphoria that the night’s events brought him, whether it be alcohol, women or something harder, something that no one dared mention because to say it out loud could cause for speculation, discussion. To escape just for a few hours and let him be invincible to the pain, the reality of what he was, who he was and what and who Nick wasn’t.

It’s not that Howie always wanted to party this much. Sometimes he would rather just sit in and relax, think about the day and where they were in life. Sometimes he preferred the silence to the deep beat of the music. It seemed as though music was engraved everywhere in their lives. Just because they made it, didn’t mean that they wanted to constantly be surrounded by it. In fact, sometimes Howie just wanted the music to stop. If it would stop he could think for a change. Think about his problem and find a solution to what seemed as a hopeless situation. He didn’t know when it happened, but somewhere along the way things had changed and Howie wasn’t sure that he was happy about that change. When they had started out so long ago, they did things for themselves, were independent people. Now they had someone do everything for them. Their wildest fantasies, their every desire needed only to be said and instantly appeared in front of them, no questions asked. Sometimes it didn’t even need to be said, sometimes those in charge knew just what the guys needed and made it readily available for them. And when someone gives you something, it’s impolite to refuse. Isn’t it? Howie sighed as he watched Nick’s tongue trail it’s way down some woman’s neck to her collarbone which he playfully sucked on. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard. They were musical icons, lived the good life, wanted for nothing. At least that’s what people believed, the truth was a completely different story.

In the beginning Howie and Nick never really talked. They were so different in age, in levels of maturity. Nick was 13 where he was 20, light years difference. Howie never really had the patience for Nick and for the most part avoided him. He stuck with AJ, who granted was not much older than Nick, but seemed it. Nick stuck with Brian and there they were. Howie and AJ, Nick and Brian, with Kevin as the older brother taking care of everyone. It wasn’t until much later that Howie and Nick really got to know each other. Brian and Kevin decided that it was time to get married, start their lives. Not that they hadn’t already, but the group was business, they wanted families. So Nick lost his Frick leaving him stranded, without a partner in crime. Once Kevin and Kristen had gotten engaged AJ started drinking, partying too much, himself going out of control. It was then that Howie realized that the bond between him and the youngest member had started. They began to talk more, hang out more and Howie finally understood what Nick was all about. Who he really was and it shocked him more than he’d been shocked in his life. Nick was someone who didn’t think too much about things. Not that he didn’t think, he just didn’t let things that were insignificant and unimportant boggle him down. He was a creature of impulse, lived life by his motto of "live life to the fullest for the future is scarce." And he did live it to the fullest, lived every day like it could be the last day of his life. Howie realized just how much he needed someone like that in his life, so he began to follow in Nick’s shadow. Finally felt what it was like to live in the moment, to live in the now. It was then that Howie realized what had been missing his entire life. That one thing that could fill the empty void he hadn’t realized he’d had. Howie laughed as he thought about it, you don’t realize what you’re missing until you find it and see you never had it. And so he stayed close to the blonde, the two of them becoming almost inseparable.

I’m falling even more in love with you, letting go of all I’ve held onto
I’m standing here until you make me move, hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I’m lacking, completely incomplete
I’ll take your invitation, you take all of me

It had been almost a year since Nick and Howie had become as close as they had. Howie knew what people thought about their friendship and always chuckled when he heard the rumours, read the stories. It had been odd that the two polar opposites had found such a rare friendship in one another but that was it. It wasn’t that Howie didn’t want more, didn’t crave more, he did but it just wasn’t meant to be. Nick went through his slew of women, a different one in every town and constantly talked about how he loved being on the road. Loved the opportunity to sample what the country had to offer, to which he’d always wiggle his eyebrows suggestively and sit back in his bunk to watch that country pass by. Howie tried to live life as uncautiously as Nick did, but couldn’t exactly pull it off. Sure he’d had his share of women, but it wasn’t nearly like Nick’s. Nick was the epitome of every women’s type. Old, young, short, tall it didn’t matter, as soon as he flashed them that smirk, they were ready to tear his clothes off and show him just how much they enjoyed the show.

Nick looked up across the room at Howie and gave him a secret smile, quickly winking at him. Howie’s pulse raced as his stomach danced. God how much he loved that smile, especially knowing it was for him and him alone. It was different from the smile that he gave the women, more sincere. Howie smiled and winked back, slightly raising his glass in acknowledgment. It took a lot for Howie to realize just how deep his feelings for Nick went. It was against everything he had been taught as a child and was something he never thought about until the moment it hit him. Howie knew he wasn’t a close minded person, didn’t think that homosexuality was a sin or was wrong. In the entertainment business the lines of sexuality was blurred, sometimes even disregarded completely. For most people getting off was the most important thing. IT didn’t matter how you got off or who got you off, as long as you did. But Howie was different. He just had never thought about it one way or the either, until he realized that he was in love with Nick. That he longed for Nick to sing to him how he sang every night to thousands of fans, that he longed for Nick to stroke his flesh like he stroked the microphone, that he longed to be the last one Nick saw before he fell asleep and the first thing he saw in the morning. That he just longed for Nick. Seeing the blonde stand up and make his way across to the couch that he was sitting on, walking purposefully not caring that all eyes were on him, Howie’s breath got caught in his throat. He knew that in some way his closeness with Nick was partially selfishness on his behalf. He stayed close to Nick just so he could be there with him. That he could spend time with him and just be close to him. Howie knew that he could never be with Nick how he really wanted to, so this friendship would have to do. He would continue with Nick until Nick decided that he didn’t want Howie around anymore. Until he was told to leave, Howie would be there and be grateful for the opportunity to be with Nick, to be the one that Nick counted on, to be Nick’s best friend. He’d live each moment with Nick, thankful for the time yet also hopeful that it wouldn’t end, praying that there’d be more.

Nick sat down beside Howie and smiled at him, leaning in to whisper something directly into the older man’s ear. As he felt Nick’s breath on his ear and neck, Howie had to stop himself from trembling and sighing. Once Nick finished what he had to say, Howie laughed and the two friends stared at each other. The other people that had been sitting with Howie discreetly left them alone and moved off to other conversations. "Is that what you really want Nicky? Do you want to go and be a part of that?" Howie inwardly hoped that Nick’s answer would be no, but knew that no matter what his answer was, he’d be there with him.

Nick paused to think, looking back at the two women who were watching them hopefully. He then looked Howie in the eye again and saw something flash there. Howie’s breath got caught in his throat and he saw Nick smile at him.

"I don’t think so D. I’m not really in the mood tonight. I sorta was hoping that we could just get out of here, just us."

Howie wasn’t sure if he’d heard Nick right. It wasn’t often that Nick passed up what those girls were offering him. He’d been propositioned by both of them, offering him the chance to watch them together, doing whatever he wanted, all for the chance to both get to fuck him. Nick sometimes said sure right away, but sometimes said that it was a two person deal. They had to have both him and Howie. The girls never had a problem with that, why would they. They got to sleep with two Backstreet Boys when really they had only thought they’d get one. But Nick never said no. Not unless something was wrong. Something had to be wrong. Howie laid his arm on Nick’s sympathetically and his face became serious. "Is everything okay?"

Nick flashed the girls a fake concerned smile and Howie saw their faces fall slightly. "Yeah D. I just want to get out of here. This scene is just stressing me out tonight. You wanna go back to my room? You know, just hang out?"

Howie coughed, not believing what he just heard. He’d heard those words come out of Nick’s mouth more times than he could remember, just never directed towards him. He knew that they weren’t meant the way he was thinking, but it was his fantasy, he could think what he wanted. In that moment Howie forgot that he wasn’t some groupie fan. That he wasn’t what Nick was looking for in a ‘hotel room visitor’. He forgot everything except for the fact that Nick had invited him back to his room, alone.

"Yeah Nicky. Let’s get out of here." Howie said standing up, straightening his pants. "Cool. Let me just go tell those girls that we aren’t feeling well and we’ve got to leave." Nick squeezed Howie’s shoulder as he passed, sending a trail of fire down Howie’s body.

I’m living for the only thing I know
I’m running and not quite sure where to go
I don’t know what I’m diving into
I’m hanging by a moment here with you

Nick couldn’t believe that he had actually asked Howie back up to his room. And it sounded so cheesy coming out of his mouth. "You wanna go back to my room?" He thought he was going to die when he heard himself say that, so he added the next sentence. "You know, just hang out." God! What was he going to do now? How could he tell Howie the real reason that he had turned those women down? That he was tired of it all. Tired of the charade, the lies, the facade that had recently become his life. Sure he liked partying, but he liked it when Howie was there. Liked the security that the older man gave him. Nick loved the way that he and Howie were so different but so alike. Nick was loud, excitable, overly anxious most of the time. He was always hyper and always playing around. Howie was the epitome of calm, serene. Never let anything get to him and hardly ever got excited about anything. Just let things come and go as they were, knowing that everything would work out in the long run. He felt that Howie balanced him out, completed the part of him that he hadn’t realized was incomplete.

Nick didn’t know why it was that he was so anxious to get out of the bar, get away from everything. But he knew that if Howie left with him it would be okay. Something always came up while they were out and plans were altered. Things happened that Nick hadn’t wanted to happen, most of the time things that Nick tried to prevent from happening, but it wasn’t always easy to say no. With Howie around he made it easier, but still. Nick had gotten into a lot of stuff that he hadn’t been prepared for. Seen more than most 21 year olds and that scared him sometimes. They waited for the elevator to arrive in a comfortable silence, both looking at one another and giggling softly. "Those girls looked like they were going to cry." Howie said almost apologetically.

"Yeah. They did didn’t they?" Nick replied laughing at the situation. "I don’t know what it is about me that they see. I’m no different than anyone else. No better looking, no more special." Nick said mostly to himself, but out loud.

Howie paused and looked at Nick incredulously. "Are you joking?" The elevator came and they both got on, the tension around them starting to magnify. Nick shrugged and watched the numbers light up indicating the passing floors. They walked into Nick’s hotel room still without speaking and Nick removed his coat, throwing it on the floor by his suitcase. Howie walked over to Nick and turned him around. "Were you joking? You never answered my question."

Nick felt the air thicken and knew that this was a deciding moment in his life. There are those moments when you know that something big lies around the corner. That this was one of those moments where the balance of your life lies in how you react to this situation and he saw that life flash before his eyes. Nick held his breath and watched Howie look at him. The older man stood in front of Nick and leaned up, cupping the his face in the palm of his hands. "Of course I wasn’t joking D. Look at me. Girls want me for what I do, not who I am. I’m no different than any other guy out there, it’s just that I have money and my face is on TV and magazines every other minute. It’s not me that they want to fuck, it’s the image, the name, the media icon." Nick felt his pulse quicken and saw the anger in Howie’s eyes.

"You are different from all of those other guys Nick. You know what makes you different?" Howie ran his fingers down Nick’s cheek to his chest. Nick could only shake his head, his voice lost.

"This is what makes you different Nickolas." At that Howie tapped Nick’s chest where his heart lie. "You are one of the most beautiful people in this world. And it isn’t just your blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes, sexy fuck me smirk, or your voice that can just turn someone’s knees into Jell-O, it’s in who you are. That’s what makes you beautiful. You are beautiful because of who you are, not what people think you are. God, how can you not know how beautiful you are?" Howie questioned, tears springing into the corners of his eyes.

Unable to stop the few tears of his own, Nick leaned his forehead down so that it was resting on Howie’s, his finger’s weaving their way through the newly cut curls. "You...you think I’m beautiful D?"

"So beautiful Nicky. So fucking beautiful." Howie felt Nick’s fingers under his jaw, tilting his head up so that their faces were inches apart. He could feel Nick’s ragged breathing against his cheek and saw something that he’d never seen in Nick’s eyes, at least not directed towards him. Love and want, a passion that he knew was mirrored in his own eyes.

"God D. What are we doing right now? Are you sure about this?" Nick asked, his blue eyes meeting those of Howie’s brown.

"Baby... I’m not sure about anything right now except for the fact that in this moment there’s no where else I want to be." Howie’s voice had become low and gravely, causing for Nick’s stomach to tighten, goose bumps to appear on his skin.

There is nothing else to lose, there is nothing else to find
There is nothing in the world, that could change my mind

"Howie?" It was more of a question than anything. Nick’s eyes had fluttered closed and his movements stilled. He had to tell him, had to let him know how he felt.

"Yeah Nicky?" Howie began to softly kiss Nick’s cheek, trailing his lips from his ear down his jaw to his chin.

"I just wanted you to know." He paused as he felt Howie’s mouth hovering over his own, his breath hot on Nick’s lips. Nick opened his eyes and met the most beautiful brown eyes he’d ever looked into. "That I love you."

"I love you too Nicky. God I love you so much." Howie breached the distance between them and covered Nick’s mouth with his own, both gasping at the contact. Nick tasted exactly how Howie had imagined him too. Sweet and delicious, his lips so soft and warm, his tongue so playful.

Nick’s pulse was racing. Never in a million years he would have believed that this was possible. That he would be standing in his hotel room with Howie in his arms, kissing him and telling him that he loved him. Nick’s hands moved down from Howie’s hair where they had been previously parked to his back, down to the older man’s hips. He pulled Howie closer so the two men were pressed tightly to one another. He could feel their hardened cocks rub against one another through his pants and he moaned.

Howie moaned into Nick’s mouth, his head spinning from the multitude of sensations coursing through his body. Feeling Nick’s hands firmly on his hips, their crotches grinding up against one another and the feel of Nick’s hair in his hands was nearly too much for Howie and he pulled away breathless. He smiled at the glazed look on Nick’s face, the emotion in his eyes. "Wha?" Nick moaned, his face turning into that of confusion.

"Shhhh Nicky. It’s okay. I just need time to breathe. To absorb all of this." Howie whispered cupping Nick’s face in his hands.

Leaning down, Nick buried his face in Howie’s shoulder inhaling his sweet scent. "I never expected this. Never thought I’d fall so much in love with you D. It’s so scary." Nick was trembling, his emotions overriding everything.

Howie felt like he was about to cry. He knew exactly how Nick was feeling, and the relief that he wasn’t alone in his love was overwhelming. "God Nicky. I know. It just snuck up on me too. Are you sure about this? There’s so much to deal with."

Nick looked directly into Howie’s eyes and smiled. "There’s nothing in the world that could change my mind."

Howie smiled and grabbed ahold of Nick’s hand, bringing it up to his lips where he kissed each finger softly, his eyes raising to meet Nick’s. "Can I just stay here tonight. Sleep with you." He saw Nick’s eyes light up and he chuckled continuing his thought. "No Nicky.. Not like.."

Nick raised his other hand and placed his fingers over Howie’s mouth, motioning for the older man to stop talking. "Shhhh. I understand Howie. We’ll just sleep. I’m not sure if I’m ready for much more than that yet."

Howie let out a breath he’d been holding and a feeling of relief hit him. "Thank you Nick. I just want to sleep beside you, feel your arms around me. Wake up with you in the morning." Both men looked at each other and felt the air in the room settle comfortably. Tightening his hold on Howie’s hand Nick pulled him towards the bed, a twinkle in his eyes. Slowly undressing so that they were both only in their boxers, Nick climbed into his hotel bed and settled in, Howie watching in awe. He couldn’t believe that all this time Nick had been feeling the same way he had, loved him, wanted him. Climbing in beside him, Howie curled up into Nick’s embrace and felt himself relax. Both men fell asleep to the sounds of each other's breathing and the warmth they’d found in each other's love.

Finis