Givin' Up On You

Title: Givin' Up On You
Pairing: Brian/AJ
Rating: R (no actual sex in this one)
Feedback: would be nice :) i_love_brian_15@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: the story is based upon the song by Lara Fabian: "Givin' Up On You". The story is not true, cause I made it all up!

Silence and quiet
Again in my life
Far from these moments, I wish I was

I remember how it started. When it all began. We were so close, it was suffocating the both of us. We both felt the attention, we both felt the attraction. But we denied it at first. I couldn’t give in to it, you couldn’t give in. We were so stupid, cause we both were running from those feelings that needed to be told.

Till it happened. We were walking, I can still remember it so clearly. We walked along the beach, cause we needed to get some fresh air. We both knew why we were walking there, but we didn’t tell. We joked around, under the moon that was shimmering through the clouds. It lighted us way in the darkness.

I had bent down, to grab something lying on the ground. When my eyes looked above again, you were standing there. The moon was lighting you completely, looking even more beautiful than you already were. I slowly came up again, till I faced you. Nose to nose, eyes locked.

Your beautiful brown eyes were demanding me to look into them so deeply. I was getting lost in the moment, lost in your eyes. Then your hand was around my waist, pulling me closer slowly. The sand underneath my feet felt so warm, though the wind breezing around us was cold.

The moment I was in your arms, the moment our lips met in a kiss, I was warm. Tingly inside, so warm. I welcomed your tongue into my mouth, as I wrapped my arms around your neck. Wanting you even more close than we already were. The kiss that was moving us even closer, was the beginning of an era.

You and me.

Passion and truth
We were about
Before these shadows stole the beat of our hearts

We were together, it was official. I loved everything about you, couldn’t stand not being around you. We had to tell someone. So the other guys were the first ones to know. After we had been together for 3 months. We had experienced love on a higher level together, never letting each other go.

They were there. Nick, Howie and Kevin. They were curious what we wanted to say. You were holding my hand all the way, while we sat there, across the other guys. I looked into your eyes, you looked into mine. So deeply, knowing this was a special connection we shared. We couldn’t deny it, if we wanted too.

“Guys, we have something to tell you,” you said first. I was so glad you spoke, my hands were shaking, so afraid of their rejection.

“Me and AJ...,” I tried to tell, but you finished the sentence for me:

“We are together, like in relationship together. Brian and me.” I wanted to kiss you right there, knowing I had found the greatest boyfriend in the whole wide world. And you were never going to leave me.

They were all kinda shocked, but they were happy for us. We wanted to keep it in the group, not wanting to let everyone know. Our parents was another issue, we hadn’t told them and were too afraid to tell it. We knew it would be fighting, together, but it was too much. So we didn’t.

Maybe I should’ve known then, that the love wouldn’t last forever. That you and me weren’t forever and forever. That maybe it would go away. Even though we shared everything. Our nights passionate, making love the whole night long. Nothing cheap, pure destination.

We would scream each others name, before we came. We knew how to please each other and we tried so many things together, something I never thought I would do. Dirty names-calling, SM, bondage... We trusted each other, wanted to try so many things, never losing faith in each other. Never losing the trust that we shared.

Somehow we did.

After all we have been through
I can only look at you
Through the eyes you lied to
I'm givin' up, givin' up
I'm givin' up on you
After all if there is no way out
If you cannot stand beside me
If there isn't love there is only pride
I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up this fight

I was ready, after one year of love, passion, honesty and everything that we experienced. I was ready to tell the world, knowing you were the one I wanted to share my life with. But you weren’t sure.

You hesitated. “Brian, I’m not sure that’s the right thing to do.”

“Come on, AJ. Why not?”

“Because of all the shit we might get.”

“So?”

“So what?”

“I don’t really care, AJ. I’m willing to fight. We’re together, we can fight together.”

“Let it rest, Brian, alright?”

“I don’t want to let it rest.”

“Why are you being such a dick head about it?”

“Why are you being one about it?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You never want to talk about it.”

“No, that’s right.”

“Jesus, AJ!”

“Listen, baby, there’s plenty of time. I just want to enjoy it. I don’t want to fight.”

“Am I not worth it?”

“Christ... You know that’s not true, Brian. That’s so unfair...”

“Well, I’m getting the feeling from you.”

“Don’t be this difficult, I’m getting sick of it.”

“You’re afraid.”

“Of course I’m afraid.”

“I’m here with you, AJ. You know that, I’ll never leave you.”

“Now fucking stop it! I’m going to calm down, cause you obviously won’t stop trying. Jesus...”

I saw you leaving the room after you had just yelled at me. I heard you slam the door, I heard your footsteps on the stairs, going away. And I cried, knowing that it was never going to work.

Undo this leash
You say I tied
When only our fears are to blame this time
And what am I to you
Just spit it out
I'm not afraid of the words that you hide

I became insecure, about what it was going to be. Where we were heading into to. I didn’t know, if you were ready for such a commitment. You had never made one this big. And now I was afraid of losing you. Afraid of you moving on, while I was still standing still.

And the reason it crashed, our falling apart were our fears. I was too afraid of loosing you and you were afraid of something else. I never got it. I just knew it. That one day will never leave my mind, I still see it, all happening in front of my eyes.

I was home early, to surprise you. I had been to my parents and I was missing you like crazy. I couldn’t even talk about you and when I had called you, you sounded so distant. I wanted to know what was going on. I was scared again, so I took my car and drove home. Never knowing that my fears were coming to life.

I parked the car, got out and walked up our house. Our house, that we had bought together, too spend as much time together as possible. Open the door, with my key. I couldn’t hear anything, so I thought you were still sleeping. Slowly I moved up the stairs, not wanting to wake you. I could enjoy myself, by just looking at you sleep.

The closer I got, the more noises I heard. Moaning...

I found my heart beating in my throat, what were you doing? My mind was screaming to me, to run away into the wilderness and never return. But I didn’t. I opened the door to our bedroom and dropped the key when I saw it.

You with some blonde girl, moaning too damn loud. She was on top of you, riding you with pleasure, as you had her breasts in your hands, your face all flushed in pleasure. Until you noticed me.

My mouth was open, my mind was racing and I slammed the door, walking away again. I sat down on the couch, in our living room. Tyke was with me, but I felt so alone. I had never seen it fall apart. Never had seen it before. I wouldn’t see it before and now it was too late.

Where do we go
When did it all crash
When did it start to fall apart

You tried to tell me, that it was a mistake. That you didn’t know what you were doing. You told me over and over, that you were so sorry. You were down on your knees in front of me, begging me for forgiveness. You kissed me over and over, making sure I wasn’t hurt anywhere.

I was hurt, you were hurt. We were both damaged for good. It was nobody’s fault really. I forgave you, we fought again. But I knew I had ruined it. You knew it in your heart, but this time you ignored.

Our fears had killed our love. The beating of our hearts wasn’t for each other anymore. You searched for something to give you comfort, I had pushed you off cause of my fears.

It ended at nothing. I woke up early, saw you still asleep. I gave you a kiss on your forehead, and watched how you hold a pillow, snuggling closer to it. How you kept yourself safe.

It was the last time for the two of us. I left, you never asked again. I had given’ up on you, you had done it a time ago. We were over and through...

Silence and quiet
Passion, the truth
Shadows, only shadows

(lyrics by Lara Fabian)

THE END!!!!!!!!!