"Your what?" My voice sounded strange, even to my own ears and I grasped the table for support.

"My wife," he said, and cast his eyes nervously about the room.

"That can't be. I'm your wife, Nick," I argued.

"Well," he stammered, "no, not really."

The nightmare was taking on epic proportions.

"Not really? Nick, that makes no sense at all."

"Yes, it does. Joanna ..." He paused, running his hands through his hair in a manner that once upon a time would have sent me reeling.

I waited in silence, knowing instinctively that my shattered world was about to disintegrate even further.

"We ... you and I, I mean ... well...."

"Spit it out, Nick." Sweet Jesus, I just wanted it to be over with.

"We were never really married, Jo."

I laughed then, the fragile sound that came from my throat bordering on hysteria. "Of course we were," I insisted. "I have the pictures, the video, the marriage license ... Nick, for God's sake, I have your CHILDREN."

"I know all that, Jo, but ..." He sighed again and I wanted to throw something at him.

"But what?"

"It wasn't legal, Jo. I was already married to Lynne."

I had no answer. I had no voice. And apparently, I had no husband, either.

I sat in stunned silnce as he calmly explained to me about his teenage marriage to his childhood friend. He smiled as he related their spur of the moment elopement as teenagers and how her parents had discovered what they'd done. Within forty-eight hours they'd moved out of state, taking Lynne with them. Nick told me how he'd grieved for his loss, and eventually moved on with his life, his life with me.

"Jo, she'd been gone for over twelve years before I ever saw her again."

"When?" I remained calm, I think I was probably in shock.

"At the boat show in L.A. I remember, you were there with me and ..."

"I was seven months pregnant with Brianna," I recalled, smiling at the memory of Nick helping up into the boats and laughing as I struggled with my bulky body. And then I remembered him disappearing that night for hours, with a client. A client. "You saw her that night, didn't you?" It wasn't even an accusation, it was the dawning of truth.

"I ran into her that afternoon and then we made plans to meet that night." Nick sat across from me at my breakfast table, nervously shredding a napkin.

"You left your pregnant wife all alone to meet up with your ... dammit Nick, I don't even know what to call her."

"Joanna, I swear to you, I had no idea we were even still married. I assumed her folks had had our marriage annulled."

I snorted derisively. "You know what they say, Nick, when you assume-"

"I was young, Jo."

"You were almost thirty fucking years old, Nick. Tell me another one."

"Jo, I never meant to hurt you."

"That night, Nick. You should have told me that night, but you didn't."

"I couldn't Jo." And then he delivered the final blow. "We have a child, too."

The tears began to roll unheeded down my face. I knew without him even telling me, that Lynne had been pregnant right from the start. I couldn't even form the question that I both needed and dreaded hearing the answer to.

"Scott is in college now, Jo. He's a good kid." His eyes softened with pride and my heart was breaking. It should have been Brianna or Daniel that put that look on his face, not-

He covered my hand with his and I was so stunned that I let him. "Nick-"

"I didn't know what to do, Jo. I loved you. I still love you. I couldn't tell you-"

"I loved you too, Nick. I loved you with my whole heart and soul. You could have come to me, and I would have helped you. But you didn't love me enough to trust me. I've spent the last ten years wondering where you were, if you were alive or dead. You have no idea how many dead ends the private investigators had turned up."

"Yes, I do, Joanna. They all found me, but cash is a wonderful bargaining tool."

"You sonofabitch." My eyes hardened with his final confession. "I waited for you. For ten years I waited for you to come home, and I prayed for your safety. All this time you were with her, weren't you."

His silence was all the answer I needed.

"We were never married in the eyes of the law, is that what you're telling me?"

"No, Jo, we couldn't be. I was already married."

"I could have you brought up on charges of bigamy."

"Jo, the kids-"

"Don't need to be dragged through that, you're absolutely right."

Nick sighed with relief.

The next decision I made was the one that finally set me free.

"Get out."

"Jo-"

"Goodbye, Nick."

"But-"

Asshole. "You know the one good thing about all of this Nick? This will save me the cost and agony of divorcing your sorry ass."

"Jo, be reasonable."

I laughed at the sheer audacity of this man-child that sat before me. "Have a nice life, Nick." I stood, walked to the back door and held it open for him.

With a defeated sag to his shoulders, he walked to the door. As he stopped to look down into my eyes, he whispered,"You too, Joanna." And then he was gone from my life.

I sighed as I leaned back against the closed door. So much had happened in the past few days, no one would believe it. But I had plans to make.

After calling the realtor and listing my house, I called my children.

"Hi, Brianna, it's mommy. I'll be there for you in just a little while, so get your and your brother's things together. Oh, and I have some exciting news! See you soon, baby."

Car keys in my hand, I set off to retrieve my children and plan my new life, far away from here.

"I wish I may, I wish I might, Be that certain someone you wish for every night ..." "If you Knew What I Knew", BSB

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