" So," I began, settling against the pillows, "I guess it all started the minute we stepped into the hospital…"
[flashback]
Kevin and I had been in the hospital for a while. We'd played video games with the boys, read to the little girls, and held a few wheelchair races with a group of rowdy cancer patients… Then things got a little deeper. We'd been visiting rooms for a while… you know, the kids who weren't strong enough to get out of bed, the ones who looked at each dawning day in amazement because last night had been so hard that they thought it was over… I was doing ok, Kevin, not so great. And then, we met her.
Room 109. Angelique.
The minute we stepped into her room, I was absolutely floored. She had posters everywhere. There were the guys at the MTV music awards, at the Grammy's, a blown up shot from the concert. She'd been here a while. There were shelves loaded with tapes, all the labels reading BSB… Kevin stood in the middle of the room as her little eyes lit up, and spun around, breathing it in. He'd gone to her bedside and talked quietly for a few minutes. I could hear bits and pieces of their conversations. Things like "I'm scared" and "I love I Want It That Way." He'd signed everything possible in that room, and taken down all her contact numbers so he could send things to her. She'd called me over too, telling me her sister had bought her my single, and she loved it. I kissed her forehead and told her I was proud of her, signing a scrap of paper. The gloom had lifted somewhat by the time we had to leave… but as we were walking out the door, her little voice had piped up:
"Don't worry… I'll take care of your dad." Kevin had turned around, tears in his eyes, and flashed the I Love You sign with his hand, and then he had shut us out of her room.
By the time we were in the elevator traveling down to meet our bodyguards, tears were coursing down both our cheeks. And then he had just pulled me to him and kissed me…
*******************************************************
I glanced away from the stain on the carpet and straight into Lisa's eyes.
"He has a girlfriend Lisa… and I've just become part of something that could eventually hurt her… it's already hurt me.
Lisa looked over at me. "Rest assured, you aren't the only one with problems in the relationship department."
I smacked my forehead in pure stupidity. "I'm such a loser, babbling on about my problems. Tell me about you and Brian."
This time, it was she who sank back into the pillows and sighed. It was going to be a long night.
*******************************************************
Lisa lugged her suitcase into the next hotel, me close behind. We were sharing a room tonight. Jake had been promised he could come over and hang out with us.
"So, we would be in?"
"Indiana." Lisa replied getting out a hairbrush.
"Where exactly in Indiana?"
"The capitol."
"Which is?"
"Okay, Coley I don't know, stop questioning me, I was trying to be smart!" We both started laughing. Then a pounding on the door stopped it. I looked at her. "Sounds like the Calvary. Who's there?" I called, trotting towards the door.
"Brian. May I please come in?" I went and unlocked the lock, but kept the chain on the door. I opened it as far as possible. "Sorry, no solicitors."
He looked at me weirdly. "Coley I need to talk to Lisa now, please." He looked pretty serious, and my previous thoughts of joking were left behind. I took off the chain and let him step inside. "Well, okay, hold on a sec."
I walked into the living area of the room. "Lisa, Bri says he needs to talk to you. Like now." She looked up from her laptop, and threw me a look that said ‘don't ask.'
"I'll be back in a while." She said, grabbing her coat and walking out.
*******************************************************
Lisa was still out, and all my pent up energy had come out once I'd turned my CD player on. I was re-working some dance moves when someone knocked on the door again. Figuring it was Lisa returning, I swung the door open. Unfortunately, Kevin stood before me; hands in his pockets, contrite look on his face. I moved to shut him out, but he wedged his foot between the door and the wall.
"Hear me out Coley, we need to talk. Just this once." He pushed his way into my room. I sighed, running a tired hand over my forehead, and shifting from side to side.
"All right. You've got five minutes…"
"Don't say you love me when you don't even know me."
How appropriate. I walked over to the CD player and turned the radio off. It had clicked on once my song ended. I turned back to Kevin.
"You have 4 minutes and 44 seconds. I'd start talking." I crossed my arms over my chest. Kevin shut the door completely behind him and stared at me.
why are you so mad?"
I'm not." I pushed the hair out of my eyes.
"You have really pretty eyes."
"Kevin." I sighed. "Stop it."
"You are mad."
"I want to know what's going on." I said. "I think I have a pretty good right to ask that."
Pain flickered through Kevin's eyes. He glanced away. "Why?"
"Do you think I'm blind and or deaf?" I asked in disbelief. "What happened in the elevator Kevin? Remember that? Is that explainable?"
"It could be."
"You sound like you're back in 7th grade." I said.
"You want the truth? I really like you. And I have a girlfriend."
"I'm aware of that." I said.
He stared at me. "How did you know?"
"I have sources." I shrugged. "But that's besides the point." I hated doing this. I hate fighting with him. In order to save my own pride I had to do it. Why? Because I really liked him. There is no way out of that. But there's Ricky...and my entire life ahead of me.
Kevin ran his hands through his hair. I looked away. I didn't want to think about what I could have right now.... if things had been different. If there wasn't Ricky and if Kevin didn't have a girlfriend. I slowly looked back up. Kevin was staring straight at me. Our eyes locked. I couldn't look away, no matter how hard I wanted to. I'm not sure who looked away first but I guess it doesn't really matter. Howie walked into the room and the spell was broken.
"Kevin. Phone for you." Howie paused. I looked over at him. He looked slightly uncomfortable.
"Who is it?"
"Its ummmmm." He cleared his throat. "You know..." He glanced sideways at me. It clicked in my mind. Kevin's girlfriend.
"Oh." Kevin said. I couldn't tell his emotions by the sound of his voice. I looked at him and he glanced away. Shoot. "Okay." he said finally. He turned and slowly walked out of the room. I watched him go, and then looked at Howie. Howie shrugged.
"She doesn't call that much. I don't understand them." I didn't reply. I had nothing to say. I really wanted to cry just then. Why did this have to be so complicated? Why couldn't I just get over it?
"I'm sorry." Howie said finally. "It's all wrong."
"I know."
