Much to my relief, the concert ended early for the evening. Once we were safely on the road, I went straight to the spare bunk and collapsed. I use all of my strength pulling through 6 songs every night. If I fall asleep before people, then I normally don't start coughing as much. It's hard to explain, but it has to do with being self-conscious. Don't know. Something a doctor told me once.
I fell asleep with no trouble at all. It's the staying asleep part I've had trouble with. As I knew, I was up by 1 that morning coughing and gagging. I made my way to the living room of the bus where my bag was and clumsily pulled out my medicine.
"Don't take more than 3. Overdosing on anything isn't good." A voice around me said. I blindly looked up as Coley turned on the light. I glanced to the sleeping area, making sure no one would wake up. Coley smiled a little. "Don't worry, I've turned that on dozens of times and they've never woken up." I smiled a little back but pains began shooting through my chest and I stiffened up and stared at her, not speaking. She looked to the ground for a while, then said, "I know. I don't deserve this."
"Why do you say that?" I choked out as the pain worsened.
She shrugged. "Well, lets be honest. I've been ignoring everyone for quite some time."
"Yeah..." I paused to gasp for air, "But....you had your problems. We understood."
"I'm sorry." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I don't know....what I was thinking....God, look what I thought was right......"
The pain began to subside and I let out a huge sigh. Coley was looking at me, or through me- I couldn't tell, with a pained statement on her face. I stood up wobbly and gave her a hug.
"I have faith in you Nicole, never forget that. You are capable of anything. Everyone makes mistakes, just learn from it and get over it."
"Its not that easy."
"I never said it was." Mistakes. I should be listening to my own lecture. Was I making one right now? I cared so much about her problems, but I couldn't face my own.
Coley sighed and handed me the glass of water she had in her hand. "Here, take your medicine."
"Why are you up?" I asked, absentmindedly taking it.
"I was taking mine. Or was at least going to try to." She smiled. I set the glass down before taking a sip.
"You won't want this back when I'm done."
"Why?"
"Uh." I searched my mind. "I have allergies."
"Those aren't contagious."
"And a cold I think."
"Are you okay?" She asked me hesitantly. "I mean..."
"I'm fine." I said quickly. "Don't worry about me."
"I don't know. You just look awfully rundown these days."
"I know." I said. "I'm fine. Goodnight." I swallowed my medicine and walked back to bed as fast as I could. I turned around just as I reached my bed and saw Coley standing there still in the middle of the room. I felt like crying. She had just apologized to me and here I was lying to her. She didn't deserve that. She was wrong; it wasn't her that didn't deserve to be on this tour, it was me.
*******************************************************
I dreamed of our tour. Of the life before Coley's suicide attempt and my sickness. Before Aaron left and Kevin and Coley fought. The happy times. The up point of the tour. We were all psyched and in love with our lives. Things would never be the same again. Everything was different now and I hated everyone for changing.
I woke up to noise coming from down the hall. I glanced over from AJ's bunk where I had been sleeping for the last few days. It was farther away from Kevin's bunk. I was still avoiding him; it was easier for me to recover. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and looked at Lisa's bunk. She was gone. I knew whatever she had was more serious than what she was making it out to be. Lord knows why she hadn't told anyone but the dancers, but I could, in a way, relate to her. She was risking her life to stay here, like I had done just weeks before. But then again, I had gotten help. I crawled out of bed and walked toward the bathroom. I heard a noise behind me and spotted Brian staring at it. He looked scared and confused. Together, we opened the door to the bathroom. Lisa was curled into a ball on the floor gasping for air. She looked up as we walked in.
"I give up."
Noise coming from around me woke me up from what felt like a dark pit. I glanced up and tried to focus my eyes. All I could see was a blur of color. My headache had lessened only by a little bit. I felt a cool hand on my forehead.
"Hey kid, how are you feeling?" I could tell it was Justin.
"Where am I?" I asked. "I can't see." I felt like I had about a billion blankets on me weighing me down.
"Hospital somewhere in Canada." he said. I felt as if the life was being slowly sucked out of me.
"No...."I whimpered. "No. I'm fine. I'm fine."
"I wouldn't bet on that." He said. "It's pneumonia."
"I know. I've known."
"What?" A new voice broke the silence from across the room. I struggled to grasp the sound and turned my head. An IV was going into my arm. I let out a cry and fought to sit up.
"How long have you known this?" The voice said again. I wiped my eyes and blinked until the images cleared. Staring at me were Brian, Justin and Sarah. Sarah looked away.
"Awhile." I said in a small voice, tears falling down my face. They felt good against my skin. An older man walked into the room.
"So the patient is awake." He said smiling and extending his hand to me. "Dr. Prophator." I shook it. "You're one sick little lady." He informed me, as if I didn't know. Coley and her agent walked into the room with Nick following.
"Do you mind if I ask you some questions?" The doctor asked.
"No." I knew what was coming. I willed myself to give up. Fighting wouldn't do me any good anymore and I wasn't sure if I even had the energy.
"Well, first off, are you familiar with pneumonia?"
"Yes."
"Have you had it before?"
"Yes."
"How many times?"
I stared at Brian who was watching me. My voice caught in my throat.
"twice" I choked out.
"Ages?"
" 5 and 14, I think."
"How serious?"
"I don't know. Download my records." I was familiar with the drill. Pneumonia had stuck me in these situations before. The doctor made some notes and inquired about the length and conditions of all of my symptoms. I dully answered until I felt the blood rise in my throat and I began gagging. I couldn't control my own body anymore. The doctor listened to my breathing and made more notes. I couldn't bring myself to look at anyone. I was scared of them.
"Well, apparently she's familiar with the sickness." The doctor said, leafing through a stack of papers on his desk. He glanced over at me, Brian, Nick, Sarah, Justin and Mr. Plunkett. All of us had settled comfortably (as much as you could) in the hospital chairs in his office. They are worse than airport seats. "The X rays of her lungs show scars from previous ailments."
"Why did she get it again?" Justin asked. "I thought you could only get that once."
Dr. Prophator shook his head. "Pneumonia is more a contact illness. There are so many variations that it would be hard to catch the same one over again. She could have gotten this strand anywhere, most likely simply from people she's interacted with lately."
"Why didn't the rest of us get it then?" Brian asked. "We've all been around her." I looked over at him. Dark bags were starting to form under his eyes. I silently prayed that his health didn't deteriorate in any way from this. I knew he was more upset than worried.
"It hits some people easier than others." The doctor said. "You all must be more immune to it. From the looks of it, it started out as a light disease. Being left untreated though, it magnified by ten."
"How do you treat it?" Nick asked. "I think one of my friends had something like that once. He was a dancer too."
"Mainly rest and medication, there isn't much else that can be done." The doctor shook his head. "Unbelievable that she didn't turn herself in. We stabilized her temperature late last night, it was over 102. Now, we're simply feeding medication for her chest pains and cough into her body. Her throat is too swollen to take it."
"What do we do now?" My agent asked. He looked tired and annoyed.
"She needs to be sent home. To recover."
"Her parents aren't home." He replied. "I called a few times and finally made contact with the neighbor caring for their pets. The family is on vacation and won't be back for 2 weeks. Right now they aren't anywhere they can be reached."
We sat there for a minute. I felt helpless as my mind began to wander back to Kevin. Had I lost his trust or had he lost mine? I missed being able to talk to him. I was 22, perfectly capable to be adult about whatever relationships I had. Yet, I couldn't handle this one. My feelings were so confused. Who was I in love with? I knew someone was in my mind, but his face was a shadow.
Brian's voice broke my daydreams. "She can stay at my home." He said. "In Kentucky, I guess."
"Your parents wouldn't mind?" Mr. Plunkett asked anxiously. I felt a twinge of annoyance rise in my head. He didn't care; he just wanted to continue the tour. He was all about business; there was no compassion in him. Deep down, I knew he cared, but he was too busy of a man. Had it been me on that hospital bed, the situation would have been different I'm sure. I missed Ricky and Victoria and my family then. Home was so far away.
"I doubt they'll care." Brian said. "They nursed me, and I know they're lonely. My mom used to work in a hospital anyway." He scribbled a number onto paper then tossed it at my manager. "Call them." Brian walked out of the room. Nothing was going my way.
