Whimsical Diaries

*~ Selfish ~*

I just don’t understand
Why you’re running from a good man baby
Why you wanna turn your back on love
Why you’ve already given up
See I know you’ve been hurt before
But I swear I’ll give you so much more
I swear I’ll never let you down
Cause I swear it’s you that I adore
And I can’t help myself, babe
Cause I think about you constantly
And my heart gets no rest over you

*****

JC walked into the room where his four band mates were sitting, talking and laughing with each other. He dropped a stack of papers on the table between them and sat down next to Justin. Justin shifted slightly, moving away from JC. Had it been anyone else, JC wouldn’t have even noticed. But because it was Justin, he noticed immediately and he took a deep breath.

“What’s this, man? More songs?” Chris asked, leaning forward to grab a few pieces of paper. JC nodded, his eyes never leaving Justin. Lance and Joey quickly followed suit, grabbing some of the papers and reading them over.

“Damn man. You wrote this?” Joey asked, holding one of the papers up toward JC. JC averted his gaze from Justin to glance at the paper Joey was holding. ‘Selfish’ was written across the top in his messy handwriting. JC glanced at Justin again before looking down at his hands and nodding. “This is good, man. I mean really good. Chris, take a look at this.” Joey handed the paper over to Chris who read through it quickly before passing it to Lance. Lance read it and held it out to Justin. Justin took it, almost hesitantly and read over it, his eyes scanning the page quickly. When he was done, he let his eyes finally land on JC’s face, boring into him. JC looked up and met deep blue pools of...was that anger? He dropped his gaze quickly.

“We definitely need to record that one,” Chris said from the other side of the table. He had missed the entire exchange between JC and Justin. Of course, he hadn’t been looking for it. No one had known about the two of them. For a year they’d kept their relationship a secret. Then JC had gone and messed everything up.

He loved Justin, honestly and truly loved the man. But Justin had been ready to tell their family and friends about them. JC had not. At first, Justin had been patient, but the longer time went on, he’d grown more impatient. Until finally, one night, things had exploded between the two of them.

*****

You can call me selfish
But all I want is your love
You can call me hopeless, baby
Cause I’m hopelessly in love
You can call me unperfect
But who’s perfect
Tell me what do I gotta do
To prove that I’m the only one for you
So what’s wrong with being selfish

*****

“I love you,” Justin whispered against JC’s skin, arms wrapped around his thin frame. JC smiled and pressed a kiss to Justin’s shoulder.

“I love you too. So much.” He felt Justin sigh and knew what was coming before the words were even out of Justin’s mouth.

“Then why won’t you let us tell anyone? Why are we hiding this if we love each other?”

“Justin, I’m just not ready.”

“I don’t understand, Jace.” Justin pulled back, eyes gazing down at JC, full of questions. “Explain it to me. Make me understand.”

“Why can’t you just let this go? I love you, but I’m not ready to tell everyone. Why can’t it be enough that I love you?”

“Because I’m sick of hiding this, JC. I’m sick of having to sneak around our friends. I’m sick of not being able to touch you or look at you with all the love I feel just because our friends are around. I’m sick of not being honest with them all. They’re our friends. They’ll understand.” JC pulled back and sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. Behind him, he heard Justin sigh again and flop back onto the pillows.

“I’m just not ready. I think I’m going to go back to my own room. I don’t want to fight about this. Goodnight, Justin. I love you.”

“You are the most selfish bastard I’ve ever know.” The harsh words made JC stop and turn, eyes glazed over with the sting of the words. “I mean it, Jace. You’re selfish. That’s what this is about. You don’t want it, so God forbid anyone else’s opinion matter. You’ve been that way for as long as I’ve known you. But I love you regardless. It’s never been an issue. Until now. You won’t even think about telling anyone, even though you clearly can see that I want to. Yet, you can’t even give me a straight reason why you don’t want to tell them.”

“I, Justin.”

“Save it, I don’t want to hear it anymore. This is hopeless. You’re hopeless. It’s never going to change.” Justin stood up from the bed, making his way to JC. “I love you, but I can’t do this. I can’t be in a relationship I have to hide. At least not from our friends.” Justin pulled open the hotel door and looked up and down the hall. “Coast’s clear. You can make it back to your room without anyone ever knowing.”

“Justin, please don’t do this. I love you.”

“I love you to. But I can’t do this anymore, Jace. I can’t keep hiding this. It’s killing me inside. You’re like, the perfect man for me, in every way. But at the same time, you’re so, so...unperfect when it comes to this relationship because you won’t let us share what we have. You won’t let anyone else see how perfect we are together. And I just can’t do it. Please, just go.” Before JC had a chance to respond, Justin went into the bathroom and shut the door. Moments later, JC heard the soft sound of Justin crying behind the closed door and he leaned his head against the solid wood.

“I love you, Justin. And maybe one day, I’ll love you enough.” With Justin’s sobs echoing in his ears, he turned and left, shutting the door quietly behind him.

*****

I’ll be taking up your time
Till the day I make you realize
That for you there could be no one else
I just gotta have you for myself
Baby I will take good care of you
No matter what it is you’re going through
Ill be there for you when you’re in need
Baby believe in me
Cause if love is a crime
Then punish me I would die for you
Cause I don’t want to live without you
What can I do

*****

Two weeks later, in the studio, JC stood at the soundboard with Justin in the booth. He was recording his part of “Selfish.” He’d known, the moment he read the words, that the song was about him. After Justin had ended things, JC had gone quietly. But Justin knew him well enough to know that he wasn’t just letting it go as easily as he pretended to be. And he was right. It was only a matter of time. JC started, for lack of a better word, wooing him.

He’d lean over when sitting next to Justin and say something sweet in his ear. He’d tell him, on a daily basis still, how much he still loved him and still thought about him. He’d apologize over and over and make promises of forever.

And Justin was having a hard time keeping his distance. He still loved the man, more than anything. But he was hurt. And that hurt was what was keeping him away, keeping him from going back to JC’s arms.

But then he’d written this song. This fucking song, all about being selfish, and hopeless, and unperfect. And about being so in love that he’d never give up. And Justin had tried, as hard as he could without making anything obvious, to protest recording the song. To protest putting it on the album. But Chris, Joey, and Lance had loved it and insisted it be there. So Justin had given in, had agreed to do the song. It was a good song, a very good song. It just held too much for him. But he was a professional and figured he could get past it.

Then today, when he arrived at the studio, already knowing he was going to have to sing the words JC had written just for him, he’d been hit with another surprise. JC had, somehow, gotten Brian McKnight to produce it. Brian McKnight. That was huge. And Justin couldn’t help the warmth that spread through his chest when he regarded the man he loved so much sitting there, grinning like an idiot.

He loved this man, with all of his heart. And not being with him was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. Things between them had been perfect, aside from keeping it a secret. And while he was in the booth, singing the words of love JC had written, he let himself get past the one reason they had ended and instead let himself remember all the reasons they had been so good together. There were millions of them and Justin knew he’d never be able to account for all of them, but he remembered enough. Enough to regret breaking JC’s heart. Enough to regret breaking his own heart.

He sang that song, those words, with more emotion than he’d ever sang a song before. And he sang it with a resolve in his heart. A resolve to make things right.

*****

“I have to tell you guys something about that song we recorded today.” JC saw four pairs of eyes turn toward him. All of them curious, but he knew one pair was curious for a different reason. Taking a deep breath, he met Justin’s eyes before turning to look at Chris, Joey, and Lance. “Justin and I were together, like, in a relationship. For a year.” Chris was the first to find his voice.

“Why, I mean 'were together,' as in your not anymore?” JC nodded sadly. “What happened?” JC turned to look at Justin, look him dead in the eyes. It was time to be honest. Honest with the man he loved, and honest with his friends.

“I was scared. I was afraid that things were too perfect between us and that he was going to wake up one day and wonder what the hell he was doing with me. I was afraid he was going to end up regretting it. So I didn’t want to tell anyone about us. I figured it would make things easier if and when it ended if no one else knew. The less people involved the better. Unfortunately, that’s what ended up tearing us apart. Justin didn’t want to hide anymore. And I wouldn’t give him a straight answer to why I still did. He couldn’t take it anymore.”

“That song was for him, wasn’t it?” Lance asked, eyes looking back and forth between the two of them.

“Yes.” JC said, looking at Lance before turning to meet Justin’s eyes again. “I wanted you to know how much I will always love you.” Standing, JC smiled one last time at Justin before turning and walking out of the studio.

*****

Why do you keep us apart
Why won’t you give up your heart
You know that we’re meant to be together
And why do you push me away
All that I want is to give you love
Forever and ever and ever

*****

Justin took a deep breath and climbed out of his car, making his way toward JC’s front door. He contemplated just using his key, but thought better of it and knocked instead. It took five full minutes before the door opened and JC stood before him. Before JC had a chance to say anything, Justin stepped into the room and pulled JC close, wrapping his arms around the older man in a tight hug. JC’s hand came up hesitantly after a few long moments and embraced Justin as well.

“I love you,” Justin whispered against JC’s temple. “I love you so much. And I’m so sorry.” A strangled sob escaped from JC’s throat.

“Justin, don’t. I’m the one that should be apologizing. I although thought you’d have doubts. I figured it’d hurt less if no one else knew. If I had to hide that hurt in the end. I ended up hurting us both instead. I’m so sorry.” Justin pulled back and pressed a soft finger to JC’s lips, stopping his words.

“It’s over now.”

“Can we start over?” JC asked hopefully. Justin shook his head no. JC’s eyes widened before he pulled back even farther and dropped his gaze to the floor. Justin slipped two fingers under his chin, lifting his head back up.

“But we can pick up where we left off.” Before JC could reply, Justin pressed his lips against the older man’s in a soft, loving kiss. “And just for the record, you keep writing songs for me like that and I’ll let you be as selfish as you want.”

*****

Selfishly I’m in love with you
Cause I’ve searched my soul
And know that it’s you
I’ll prove that I’m the only one for you
So what’s wrong with being selfish