JC sighed and stripped off his shirt. Laying down on the bed, still clad in his jeans, he closed his eyes. It had been a very long day and he just wanted to sleep. They were in some random hotel in some random city. JC had lost track of the itinerary about a week ago and hadn’t exactly caught up yet. A sharp knock on his door interrupted his desire to sleep.

“It’s open,” he called and turned his head, eyes opened slightly, as the door opened part way. Justin’s head peeked in through the half open door.

“Can I come in?” He sounded timid.

“Sure,” JC sighed, propping himself up on his elbow. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to make sure you were ok. You haven’t really been yourself lately. And, you know, if you just wanted to talk, about anything, I wanted you to know I was here.”

“Thanks J, that means a lot.” He was a 21 year old man, yet tonight, as he looked at JC, he was reminded of when Justin was 16, a young, unsure, not quite child, not quite adult. Patting the bed next to him, JC silently invited Justin to sit down. Closing the distance, Justin took a seat, facing JC.

“So what’s up?”

JC sighed again. “Scott and I had a fight, about a week ago,” JC admitted. Justin placed a reassuring hand on his arm, allowing him to continue. “He’s jealous. I guess he has the impression that I cheat on him when we’re out on the road. It’s not easy for any of us to handle, being away from loved ones, and I understand where he can get the feelings he gets, but I’ve never been anything but faithful. Anyway, it was just a huge ordeal and I haven’t talked to him since. He won’t answer my calls or anything.”

“That sucks Jayce, I’m sorry,” Justin said sympathetically. He paused for a minute, then laid down next to JC. “Come here.” Opening his arms, he beckoned for JC to crawl into them. JC looked at him skeptically.

“Justin, are you sure? I mean, it doesn’t bother you that I’m gay and I’d be laying in your arms?”

“Jayce, you’re my best friend, I love you like a brother. Besides, think of all the times you use to do this for me, way back when we first started touring and I was scared and had no one else to turn to. It’s just the comfort of a friend.”

JC’s heart ached with pride for this young man. All of them had handled JC’s “coming out” well, but Justin was probably the one who changed the least. Not that the other guys were rude, or mean, or intolerable toward him, it was just that there was a certain distance that hadn’t been there before. Except with Justin. Sweet, wonderful, perfect Justin.

Moving into his arms, JC rested his head against Justin’s shoulder, wrapping an arm around his torso. Holding him tightly for a moment, almost as a hug, Justin’s hold loosed, but only slightly. He ran a reassuring hand along his bare back. The movement sent shivers down JC’s spine but he quickly got himself under control.

He’s your friend C, don’t make this into anything more. He’s completely straight. But oh how he wished. He had, on more than one occasion, though about what it would be like to be with Justin, to love him forever, and to have Justin love him back.

But he knew Justin didn’t feel that way, never had, never would. He was completely into women, and completely straight.

JC fell asleep quickly, with the comfort of Justin’s arms around him, but Justin never left him, never removed his arms from around JC, never pulled back.

Waking up the next morning, it took a moment for JC to realize where he was, and who he was with. These weren’t Scott’s arms he was cradled in. But then, in a flood of memories, it came back to him. Justin, his sweet Justin, had come to him last night, knowing he needed the comfort of a friend. He had held him tightly, rubbing his back reassuringly.

He was still asleep and JC shifted, trying to glance up at his face without waking him. That angelic face, those eyes, deep pools of emotion, those lips, now set in a small, perfect smile. JC wanted to kiss him, kiss every part of that beautiful face, wake Justin up with the most tender of kisses, planted ever so lightly on every part of his face.

But he knew he couldn’t. Losing Justin as a friend wasn’t an option, and if he did kiss him, he was sure it would freak Justin out and the outcome would more than likely be to lose him as a friend.

Justin’s friendship meant everything to him, had for a very long time. It wasn’t something JC would jeopardize for one stolen kiss, no matter how much he wanted his lips to graze every inch of that sexy body.

Reaching out, he placed his hand on Justin’s shoulder, shaking him slightly. Justin’s eyes fluttered and then opened slightly. JC could see the same internal struggle, trying to remember where he was. He pinpointed the exact second that Justin recalled where he was and what he was doing there and his eyes turned toward JC.

“Morning sleeping beauty,” JC smiled.

“Morning,” Justin replied, stretching. JC could feel the muscles in his firm stomach tighten and then loosen again as the stretch ended. “How’d you sleep?”

“Better than I have in a long time. Thanks again Justin.” JC reluctantly pulled away from Justin. As much as he would have liked nothing more than to lay in bed with him all day, cuddled close against his body, he knew he was wearing out Justin’s welcome for comfort. If he stayed like that much longer, Justin might start to get freaked.

Climbing to his feet, he made his way to the bathroom, thankful that he was still wearing his pants. It helped to hide the bulge between his legs. Justin turned over and closed his eyes again, never noticing as JC adjusted himself.

Justin was asleep again when JC came back out moments later. Smiling down at him, he resisted the urge to run his hand along Justin’s jaw line. Instead, he turned and grabbed clean clothes. He needed a cold shower and a little one on one time with himself.

The cool water washed down over his body, chilling him slightly, but it wasn’t doing anything for his erection.

Reaching down, he wrapped his hand around his penis and started to pump. It would have been a lie to say that thoughts of Justin weren’t running around in his head. He had a boyfriend, yes, but at the same time, he hadn’t talked to him in over a week, and he had just spent the night in the arms of the man he had dreamed of being with for as long as he could remember.

Small moans escaped from between his lips. His head rolled back in ecstasy. Pumping harder, his legs started to get weak. Reaching his other hand down, he squeezed underneath his balls, taking him to the point of no return. With one more quick pump and a sensual rub over the tip of his erection, he came hard.

His weak legs finally gave out and he collapsed in a heap on the tile ground. Tears welled in his eyes and finally fell over. It was hard to tell where the shower water stopped and the tears began, but he knew he was crying.

It had been hard to admit to himself that he was gay, that while the rest of the guys were checking out a hot woman, he found himself checking out her boyfriend. It had been a harsh realization when he noticed that the women who hung on him, dressed in barely anything at all, that would have fucked his brains out if he had asked them, weren’t turning him on.

It had been harder to admit it to the other guys. The thoughts that ran through his mind before he told them, the words he imagined would come out of their mouths, the looks he imagined would cross their faces. Luckily they had been more understanding then he had worked up in his mind. They had been accepting.

But the hardest thing of all to admit was the fact that he was in love with his best friend. Sure, he had Scott, but it wasn’t all that serious. Sure, it was a nice lay, and he enjoyed being around him, but he wasn’t in love with Scott. No, that space in his heart was saved for someone else. Someone he could never have. Someone that would never love him back, not the way he wanted him to.

Finally stopping the tears, he climbed to his feet and finished showing. Stepping out, he wrapped a towel around his waist and walked the few short steps to the mirror. Running his hand across the steamy surface, he glanced at the reflection starring back at him.

He felt pathetic. He was in love with a man he couldn’t have. It made him feel weak that he couldn’t get over it. He tried, god how he tried. But then Justin would do something, or say something, or touch him lightly out of friendship and every feeling he worked so hard at burying would suddenly leap into the pit of his stomach again, leap into his throat, and worst of all, back into his heart.

Finally dressing, he calmed himself down enough and re-entered the main room of the hotel. Justin was still asleep, curled on his side. He looked sweet, innocent, beautiful. Sitting down next to him, he shook Justin awake.

His eyes fluttered open for the second time that morning. Thoughts of waking up like this for the rest of his life swam through JC’s mind. But again, he pushed the thoughts deep down, buried with all the rest.

They didn’t say anything for a few minutes, but neither of them needed to. JC was greatful for what Justin had done, and Justin knew it. Finally Justin sat up, scratching his head. JC moved across the room, settling himself in one of the not quite comfortable chairs situated there.

“You hungry?” Justin asked. JC was tempted to say no. He needed some time to himself, some time to get his overwhelming feelings under control. But before he could say anything, his stomach gave a loud growl. Justin laughed. “Guess so. Let’s go get some breakfast.”

*****

Another random city, another random night. Scott had officially broken up with him two nights before. JC wasn’t as upset as he figured he should have been, but after his one wonderful night in Justin’s arms, it was hard for him to think of anything but, including Scott. He had agreed it was time for them to part ways. By the end of the conversation, he was convinced that Scott breaking up with him had less to do with his thoughts of JC being unfaithful and more to do with the fact that he realized JC was in love with someone else.

JC had never told Scott of his emotions for Justin, but he was sure Scott picked up on it.

The club music blared loudly and JC figured that, along with some alcohol, was just the thing he needed to keep his thoughts at bay. At first, he hadn’t wanted to go, but Chris and Joey had begged and he had finally given in. Now, he was glad he was here. The only part he wasn’t too fond of was having to watch Justin dance, kiss, and fondle the women in the club. But he was as use to that as he was to the fact that Justin didn’t love him back.

They all drank, some of them a little more than they should have, they all danced, they all had fun. Rounds of drunken I love yous floated around their private table when they stopped dancing long enough to take a few breaths.

It was true, that all did love each other. They shared a bond that was stronger than friendship, stronger, sometimes, than even family. It was something no one could match, ever. It was something no one understood, and never would. They had all been through so much together, and they had come out on top, together, united.

It was often, most of the time when they were drunk, that they had these heart warming, love you, moments. When JC had first admitted he was gay to the rest of them, he had been wary about joining in. But Justin, sweet, wonderful Justin, had gotten him, with more than a little teasing, to finally say it. It became easier every time after that, and now, it was simply second nature again. None of them judged it, none of them even thought twice as to what context he meant it in. It was implied, between all of them, that they were united, forever.

They closed the club. Singing, dancing, and drinking until the wee hours of the morning. By time they left, Justin and Chris were completely wasted. Lance and Joey promised to get Chris safely back to his room, if JC promised the same for Justin. He would have done anything for Justin.

Chris was ready to pass out, so the three of them climbed into the first car. JC could see his head fall back onto the head rest as soon as they got him into the seat. JC helped Justin into the second car and climbed in beside him. It was quiet at first and JC closed his eyes, almost asleep, until Justin ran a long finger playfully down his neck. Opening his eyes slightly, JC turned to look at him.

“I love you man.” Justin’s voice was suddenly not filled with the drunken stupor it had been standing outside the club.

“I love you too, man,” JC returned, closing his eyes again.

“I know, and it’s ok.” Again, he seemed to have sobered up on the spot, his voice honest and open. JC kept his eyes closed, knowing fully well Justin was drunk and he didn’t want his mind or heart to read too much into it. And he really didn’t want Justin to see into his eyes. He was sure they would be betraying him right now.

Arriving at the hotel, JC opened Justin’s door as Justin had one arm flung around him. JC was sure the moment he let go, Justin would fall to the ground. Depositing him on the bed, he helped him kick his shoes off. Standing upright again, JC reached to pull the covers back for Justin, but before his hand had found the top of the covers, Justin’s hand was on his arm.

“Jayce,” he whispered, almost seductively. Taking a deep breath, JC turned to glance at him. Their eyes met and he was sure Justin could see right down to the depths of his soul. He was sure every emotion he had ever felt, every though he had ever possessed, was showing on his face.

Slowly, ever so slowly, Justin ran his hand up the length of JC’s arm, over his shoulder, up his neck, and came to rest on his cheek, his thumb rubbing lightly over JC’s mouth.

“Pretty lips. No wait, that’s not right. Sexy lips,” Justin said, grinning. It was the grin that drove girls all across the country wild. Right this very minute JC knew, with every ounce of he being, why.

Again, with painfully slow motions, Justin’s hand started to move. This time down to his chin, then his collarbone, and slowly, ever so slowly, down to his chest.

Suddenly JC was standing between Justin’s legs, which were hanging off the side of the bed. He couldn’t recall either of them moving so he wasn’t sure how they had gotten like that. Justin’s other hand moved up JC’s stomach, reaching the other one still resting on his chest. Pressing lightly, he ran them in slow circles across JC’s chest.

JC’s eyes closed, almost involuntarily. Justin’s hands were driving him insane. A small moan escaped his lips as Justin’s hands traveled back down to his stomach, then lower, to the hem of his shirt. Ever so lightly, Justin eased the shirt up, and slid his hands beneath it, tracing the small trail of hair that lead up his stomach.

Circling his arms around JC’s waist, Justin pulled him closer. His lips met JC’s stomach, bare from where he had pulled his shirt up. The kiss was sweet, sensual, and perfect. His lips left a trail from his abs down to the waistline of his pants.

JC was in complete heaven. Not a true coherent though was running through his mind, but that was fine with him. Reaching up, Justin placed a hand behind JC’s head, at the base of his neck, and gently pulled him down toward him.

Their lips met slowly. For a moment, JC was sure he had to be dreaming, but then, just as suddenly, he realized where he was, where they had been that night, and the real reason Justin was doing any of this. He was drunk, and probably wouldn’t remember any of this in the morning. JC loved him too much to take advantage of him. As turned on as he was, as much as he wanted each and every moment of this to last forever, he pulled his lips away from Justin’s and backed up just enough so Justin couldn’t reach him. The look on Justin’s face wasn’t one he saw often. He was hurt.

“Justin, I,” he paused, not really sure what he wanted to say. “We can’t do this,” he finished. The playful grin was back on Justin’s face.

“Come on Jayce, you know you want this. You know you want me. I know it, and you know it.” He reached out for JC again, but JC backed up a little more and shook his head.

“You’re drunk. I can’t do that Justin.” Just as quickly as the hurt had turned to a grin, the grin was now gone and JC saw anger in his eyes.

“Fuck you Josh. I’m completely throwing myself at you and you’re telling me you’re going to walk away? Well fine, fuck you. Oh wait, I forgot, you just turned that down. Get out of here.”

“J, please,” JC started, but Justin cut him off.

“I don’t want to hear it, I said get out.” Running a hand through his hair, JC turned and walked out the door, closing it quietly behind him.

The tears reached his eyes before he had even reached his room. Closing and locking the door behind him, he had to resist the urge to throw himself onto the bed. He had fucked up, royally. He let things go too far. Now, because of his selfish actions, he might have lost Justin forever. There was no way things could be normal again after that.

Rolling onto his back, he starred up at the ceiling, tears subsiding. He could still feel Justin’s hands, roaming over his body, could still feel his lips, pressed lightly to his stomach, could still taste him, the feel of his lips still lingering on JC’s mouth.

For a few minutes, it had been heaven, but in those few minutes he might also have just lost one of the most important people in his life. He wasn’t sure what had possessed Justin to act the way he had. Sure, the alcohol had been a factor. But that was hardly the first time JC had put a drunk Justin to bed, and he had never reacted that way before. It confused him so much it was making his head hurt.

The arousal he had felt in accordance to Justin’s touch, Justin’s kisses, had died down. There was no more arousal when he knew Justin was mad at him. The only small ray of hope that shined through was that maybe, hopefully, Justin would have forgotten all of this by morning. But, JC knew, there was no way he would every forget any of this.

*****

Another random night, another random hotel room. It had been two weeks since the night Justin had come on to him, and the two still weren’t talking. It wasn’t for lack of trying on JC’s part, but Justin seemed to want nothing to do with him. JC’s favorite part of the day had become the concerts they performed on an almost nightly basis. At least during the concert, Justin still pretended to like him. He still played around and made goofy faces. But JC also knew it was all an act. Justin was good, he’d give him that. He was good at pretending nothing was wrong, that nothing had happened. The fans were none the wiser.

Chris, Lance, and Joey knew something had happened, knew that the bond between JC and Justin had somehow been broken, but none of them knew specifics. Justin wouldn’t talk about it at all. Instead, he got mad whenever one of them brought anything about it up. The most JC would say was that he screwed up. No one was sure what that meant, although they all had their suspicions.

Four days ago had been a major turning point in this unmentioned, ongoing battle. They had been sitting in the back lounge on their bus, JC working on a song, Justin playing one of his many video games. JC was thinking intently, trying to find the words to describe what he was feeling, and had been starring off into space, and, although not intentionally, at Justin. Justin had felt JC’s eyes on the back of his head. Throwing the controller, he turned around, eyes glaring, hands bawling into fists.

“What the fuck! Just stay away from me you queer!” He had gotten up and stormed out, and almost ran into a very surprised Chris, who had just come out of the small bathroom. As Justin stormed up to the front of the bus and situated himself at the table, placing an arm over his eyes, Chris looked from him to the back of the bus where JC was still sitting in shock.

The hurt was unbearable. It was something JC wasn’t ready for, no matter how much the two of them had been going through lately. Justin had always been the one to support him, to be there for him, most of all. Now, hearing that word come out of his mouth, hearing the anger behind it, it shattered JC’s heart into a million tiny pieces. He wouldn’t allow the tears to come, wouldn’t allow them to see him cry, although he wanted to more than he’d ever wanted anything in his entire life.

That had been the last time JC set foot on that bus since. The following evening, after the tour, he had boarded Joey and Lance’s bus, and had been traveling with them ever since. To say it wasn’t strange, not having the constant wars over video games, to not hear Chris’s snores slip out from his bunk, to not see Justin and his bowls of cereal in the morning, he would have been lying. But there was no way he could go back to that bus, not when he knew Justin hated him. Not when he saw the anger Justin conveyed. Not when to just look at him broke JC’s heart.

*****

Late into the third week of this entire ordeal, Lance joined JC in the back of the bus he was now sharing with them.

“This needs to be fixed Jayce,” Lance said bluntly. Lance had never been one for pleasantries when he had a serious subject matter to bring up. Straight and to the point, that was Lance.

“I’ve tried Lance. He hates me.”

“I doubt he hates you. You’re his best friend, and deep down, he knows that. What did you do to him though man?”

“It’s more like what I didn’t do, I guess,” JC shrugged.

“Ok, so what didn’t you do then,” Lance said after a few moments silence when he realized JC wasn’t going to say any more on the subject. JC sighed. He wanted to tell someone, almost needed to tell someone. But at the same time, he wasn’t sure he should betray Justin by telling the whole group he had one night of a drunken homosexual slip up.

“I can’t man,” he said, shaking his head.

“Ok, how about I give you our, and by our, I mean, Chris, Joey and me, our thoughts on what happened and you tell me if we got it right.” He continued before JC could protest. “That night we all went out, Justin was drunk, and when you took him to his room, you accidentally kissed him. That sound about right?”

“Close, but not exactly,” JC informed him, rubbing his temples. He felt a headache coming on.

“What then? Come on Jayce, you need to get this off your chest. You need another opinion on how to approach this. Because I know you want this fixed.” Sighing reluctantly, JC rubbed his hand over his eyes, and then looked up at Lance.

“It was that night, and I did kiss him, but before the kiss, Justin was, for lack of a better word, practically seducing me.” Lance’s jaw dropped and he started to shake his head. “I mean it. I mean, yeah, he was pretty drunk, but he seemed to know what he was doing. He,” JC paused, embarrassed, but then continued before he lost his nerve completely. “He was rubbing up and down my body, kissing my bare stomach. And then he pulled me down and pressed his lips to mine. It was then that I stopped him. I knew he didn’t really know what he was doing, as much as I wanted to pretend he did. He got playful and tried to pull me back, but I told him I didn’t want him to do something he would regret in the morning, that I didn’t want to take advantage of him. He got pissed and told me to ‘get the fuck out.’ And well, you know the rest. He hasn’t spoken to me since unless he has to.” Lance was at a complete loss for words and JC was starting to regret telling him at all. “Look man, thanks, for listening I mean. I guess I did kind of need to get that off my chest. Just, please keep this between us. I don’t want to embarrass Justin with the entire group because he made a drunken mistake one night.”

Climbing to his feet, he started to make his way to the door when Lance found his voice again. “He loves you C.” This stopped JC in his tracks and he turned toward Lance. “He does. And I don’t just mean that brotherly, united bond bull shit we all throw around all the time. Look, he’d probably kill me if he knew I was telling you this. Sit down, it may take awhile...”

*****

Another random hotel, another random city. They had arrived late in the evening, having driven all day after some interviews earlier in the afternoon. Justin and Chris’s bus had arrived first and they were already in their rooms by the time Lance, Joey, and JC arrived.

Starring out the window at the city laid out before him, JC replayed his conversation with Lance over and over in his mind. He knew what he had to do, it was just getting up the nerve to actually go through with it. Sighing, he finally moved away from the window and made his way across the room to the door.

Stepping out into the hallway, he almost chickened out, more than once, but before he knew it, he was in front of Justin’s door. This was it, no turning back. Opening the door quietly, he was inside and across the room to where Justin was sitting before Justin even had time to comprehend what was going on. Leaning down, he placed his hands on the arms of the chair, not allowing Justin any room for escape. They starred into each other’s eyes, neither of them speaking, neither of them moving, neither of them blinking. It was a battle of wills, blue eyes upon blue, and JC was winning. Justin’s leg moved slightly and JC knew he was going to crack under the pressure.

As Justin’s mouth opened to protest his unwelcomed entrance, JC leaned down farther and pressed his lips into Justin’s. Eyes open wide, they never lost the contact between them. The initial shock in Justin’s eyes wore off, and slowly, ever so slowly, the kiss deepened and intensified. Still, their eyes remained connected.

JC parted his lips slightly, and rested his tongue along Justin’s bottom lip, waiting for Justin to allow him to enter. Slowly, Justin’s lips parted as well, allowing JC the access he had asked for. Their tongue’s danced together, slowly and rhythmically. It was exhilarating, it was wonderful, it was perfect.

Finally, the two men pulled apart, JC releasing his grip on the arms of the chairs. Backing up, he sat down on the bed, straight across from Justin. Still, neither of them broke the contact between their eyes. JC’s were searching, Justin’s unreadable. Until finally, he saw a small glisten appear in Justin’s beautiful pools of blue, a small shine. He was smiling with his eyes, although his face was still impassive.

“Is this what you want Justin?” Slowly, he nodded his head forward once, then straightened up again. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I tried. It was just the wrong time and wrong place. I was drunk, you thought I wasn’t thinking straight. Unfortunately, we got our paths crossed. I was thinking straighter that night than I had been in a very long time. Do you know what you do to me Jayce?” Justin finally broke the connection between their eyes, shifting his glance downward. A few moments later, he was starring back at JC. “Everything inside of me wants you and needs you. Every emotion I feel is for you. Everything though I have is of you. I’m so in love with you. And that scares the hell out of me. That night I felt I was finally professing what I felt for you, and you walked away. I was hurt. I was mad at myself, and embarrassed. I was mad at you because I felt like you understood me better than anyone. I thought you loved me, but you walked away.” He looked young, but at the same time, he looked older than his 21 years. He was carrying a heavy weight, heaver, JC guessed, than even his battle with his own sexuality.

“Justin, I do love you. I love you more than I ever though was possible. I was just afraid you were making a drunken mistake. I was scared you would regret it in the morning. And if there’s one thing I couldn’t stand more than not being with you, is being a regret to you.”

“You could never be a regret to me Josh,” Justin said, climbing out of the chair. He made his way to JC, stopping in front of him. Placing a hand on his cheek, he rubbed the slightly unshaven skin lightly. “How’d you find out? Lance?” JC nodded. “I’m gonna kick his ass,” Justin laughed.

“Later. For now, just kiss me again.” JC didn’t have to ask twice. Justin’s mouth was on his again. His soft lips pressed against JC’s. JC wrapped his arms around Justin’s waist, pulling him closer. Moving his lips down, JC laid soft kisses along Justin’s collarbone before cuddling into his neck. Justin wrapped his arms tightly around JC, running his fingers though the long curls.

“Should we really be doing this Jayce? Is this right?”

“It feels right,” JC sighed contently. “Can we promise forever? No, but who can going into any relationship. Can we say it isn't going to be hard? No, but it will be worth it. What I can promise is that I’ll never hurt you enough to break your heart. And I’ll never regret any of the things we share together.”

“No regrets,” Justin agreed, resting his head on the top of JC’s.

“No regrets,” JC repeated.