Justin smiled at one of the many photographers in the room, pausing for just a moment as he snapped a picture. His release party for his first solo project, Justified, was in full effect. It was a night of schmoozing, and it was by invite only. He had, of course, sent invitations to the rest of Nsync, but Chris was the only one so far who had shown up. He had a sinking feeling that he was going to be the only one too.

When he had sent the invitations, he had assumed Joey and Lance wouldn’t be able to make it. Joey was stuck in New York, doing Rent, and Lance was, well, still trying to get into space. He didn’t hate them, he understood. Chris had called him the morning he received his invite, promising to be there. He had expected that from Chris, but was greatful for it all the same.

JC was another story completely. The two of them hadn’t even talked in over two month. It killed Justin to know JC was so unhappy with the entire situation. It hurt that JC couldn’t accept that fact that this was something Justin needed to do. It broke his heart to know JC wasn’t there to support him.

He loved JC with all his heart, with his entire being, but he wasn’t very fond of him at the moment. Again, he almost regretted doing this. When Justin had first decided it was something he wanted to do, he went to JC first. JC was the love of his life, and his opinion mattered more than anything else in the world to him. If JC didn’t think it was a good idea, Justin would just not do it. It was that simple. He would give up this dream for JC.

But JC had been accepting. He told him it was a wonderful idea, told him to follow his heart, and that he was behind him one hundred percent, until the end. JC had heard the demos of a couple of songs, listened late into the night, cuddled in bed with Justin, as Justin revealed the magic that had happened in the studio that day, and had always listened, with rapt attention, as Justin relayed his fears. JC had been there, words of wisdom, words of love, reminding Justin that he was behind him, completely and totally, forever, reminding him it wasn’t in Justin’s nature to fail, so this dream was something he would succeed with. Then he would slowly kiss all his fear away, with the lightest touch of his lips.

This was before the VMA’s. Justin guessed it had started before that, but wasn’t completely positive. It was the VMA’s that were the turning point though. He had been nervous, to say the least. This was the first time, ever, that he was performing without the rest of the group. His support system, the guys he always had, no matter what, to fall back on, were missing from the picture. It was strange, but exhilarating at the same time. As long as he had JC there, next to him, to quietly reassure him things would be fine, he would be able to do it.

Then he found out they weren’t even sitting by each other. They weren’t far apart, but it might as well have been halfway around the world for all it was worth. It had been a stupid tactic made by management. They wanted to portray Justin as truly on his own. And the worst part was, none of them even knew until they had arrived and it was too late to do anything about it.

Back in the dressing room, before the show, Chris and Joey had bid him good luck, then left, allowing JC to be alone with him for a few minutes. Justin moved toward him, needing his warm embrace now more than ever. But JC had been reluctant. Although he allowed Justin to slip into his arms, it seemed strange. They had held each other so many times he would have know JC’s arms anywhere, but there was something off about this hug, something Justin couldn’t quite place. Chalking it up to nerves, he simply rested his head against JC’s shoulder.

“I’m scared Josh.”

“You’ll do fine,” JC said, rubbing his back lightly, almost like it was something he knew he should do, more than something he wanted to be doing. “Good luck.” He pulled away from Justin, and before Justin could say anything else, JC turned and walked out the door.

Fighting the urge to cry, Justin made his way to his seat. He didn’t know why JC was suddenly acting the way he was, but it made the thought of his performance that much harder. He had to fight down the waves of nausea growing in the pit of his stomach the entire show. He kept glancing down the isle, toward where JC, Chris, and Joey were seated, trying to catch JC’s eyes. If JC would just smile, or wink, or something, maybe he would be ok. But JC never looked in his direction, not once.

Finally, it was time for him to go get ready. Standing, he fought down the nausea once more and made his way back to his dressing room. He hoped upon hope that JC would meet him back there, but his prayers went unanswered. By time he made his way back to the stage, ready for his performance, Chris and Joey were standing back there. They were presenting an award together after the performance so they would be watching it from the back. JC was suspiciously absent.

“He went to the bathroom,” Chris said, reading the look on Justin’s face.

“That’s convenient,” Justin mumbled. His words were lost in the noise of the backstage area. Just as he got his cue and his platform started to rise, he glanced back and saw JC approaching, head down, still not meeting his gaze. Taking a deep breath, he lost all thought except for that of his performance.

Afterwards, stepping backstage again, he was met with huge hugs from Chris and Joey. They were swelling with pride. After the two of them stepped away, JC approached him, almost timidly. He had his hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans, his hat down low over his eyes. A year, they had been together for an entire year, and had been friends for way more than Justin could even count. They had shared more intimate touches than either of them could remember. They had slept cuddled tightly in each other’s arms almost every night. Yet somehow, JC didn’t seem to know how to approach him. This was beyond not wanting people to know about them. That had never been a problem for them. As much as they wanted to be able to share their love with the world, they knew how to keep it under control in public. This was more than that, this was really that JC didn’t know what to do or say. It was if Justin was a complete stranger to him, and he didn’t have the slightest idea how to approach him. He didn’t reach out to hug him, didn’t offer words of encouragement at what Justin had just done, didn’t even meet his gaze as reassurance.

Justin was angry. He should have said something, should have told JC to go to hell, but instead, he just turned and walked away because he was also hurt, beyond belief. JC hadn’t followed him, but Justin hadn’t expected him to, not really. Instead, moments later, they went out on stage, together, but not really connected, to introduce the next presenters. They had stayed as far apart from each other as they could on stage, and although Justin had played if off well, JC had not. Justin knew, he had seen the tape. JC looked bothered, upset, almost hurt.

They hadn’t spoken since.

Now, here it was, the night of his big release party. He had hoped, upon sending the invitation, that JC would have changed his mind, or at least pretended to be happy for what Justin had accomplished. At the very least, he wanted JC to show up, against his will, angry at Justin. It would have been better than not showing up at all. Instead, it looked as if he wasn’t going to show.

The minutes seemed to drag by, each one tearing more and more at Justin’s heart. It was like JC didn’t even care anymore. Justin loved him so much, and JC had told him he loved him as well. Justin had believed him, never doubted him. All the times JC had whispered it, late into the night, as Justin was cuddled in his arms, and Justin had believed him. Now, he could barely remember what it felt like to hear JC say the words to him, could barely remember what it felt like to be so blissfully in love that it seemed there was nothing that could touch him. Now, all he felt was pain that worsened every day.

Finally, as the media was dying down, as the conversation turned from Justin and his music, the doors opened once more. Justin saw him out of the corner of his eye. His breath caught in his throat, his heart started beating out of control. He was beautiful, just like Justin remembered. Their eyes locked, and Justin noticed JC’s eyes looked sad. Those beautiful sapphires seemed to mirror exactly what Justin was feeling in his heart. For a moment, there as a glimmer of hope, deep into his soul, hope that maybe, just maybe, JC was missing him as much Justin was.

Except then he saw her, standing almost behind her, holding his hand. She was tall and blond. She seemed shy, and Justin noticed JC whisper something to her as he squeezed her hand reassuringly. Justin knew JC was bi, but the two of them had been together for so long, it was weird seeing him with a woman. Of course, the fact that they had never actually broken up and Justin still had strong feelings for him made it even weirder, and he was just as sure it would have been just as strange had that been another guy standing there with JC.

Justin was lost. It was worse than JC not showing up at all. He didn’t know what to do, what to say, how to feel. It was like every single emotion and thought had seeped out of him. He stood there numbly, and suddenly Chris was at his side, escorting him to a private room, saving him the embarrassment in front of the media.

The press may talk, my dwell on Justin’s sudden departure from the party as JC arrived, but it was better than them seeing the look in his eyes, the pain that stretched deep down to his soul.

“Stay here for a little bit, I’ll go talk to him,” Chris whispered as the tears started to fall from Justin’s eyes.

“Why is he doing this? Why does he hate me so much? I don’t even know what I did wrong Chris.” Chris paused at the door, contemplated for a moment, then turned and walked back toward Justin.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t know what’s stuck up his ass, but don’t blame this on yourself.”

“I just don’t get it. He was fine with this Chris. Fine. We use to talk about it all the time. I went to him before I even really let myself think I was doing it. I told him all my hopes and fears, let him listen to the demos, read the words I had written to him. He use to listen so intently, actually happy for me, that I was getting to do this. He use to smile at my hopes and kiss all my fears away. I don’t understand what changed. I don’t understand why he suddenly stopped being ok with it.”

“Did you ever ask him?” Chris asked. Justin hadn’t. When JC acted the way he did, it hurt too much. Justin couldn’t deal with it. So he had walked away. He had tried calling a couple of times, but always got JC’s voice mail. He didn’t want to cry or beg to a machine, so he had hung up.

“No.” It was a whisper, almost too low for Chris to hear. It barely came out of his mouth at all, but Chris got the point.

“Maybe you need to talk to him.”

“Chris, he brought a date with him. And not just any date. In case you didn’t notice, it was a woman.” Chris shrugged.

“Maybe they’re just friends. You’ll never know unless you talk to him J.” Justin shook his head almost violently. “Come on J, you know that you need to. If, for nothing more, than the fact that you’ll get some sort of closure.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Justin said, burying his head in his hands. “I don’t want this to be the end Chris. I love him too much.”

*****

Justin sat there alone for close to fifteen minutes. The thoughts running through his head were almost at lightening speed. He replayed the last few months over and over in his mind, trying to figure out where they had gone wrong, where things had shifted. But nothing was coming to him. It didn’t make sense. He was as clueless as he had been two weeks ago, two months ago. Finally, just as he was about to get up and head back out to the public, the door opened and JC slipped inside, closing the door quickly behind him. The two of them stared at each other, more as strangers than as lovers. It was as strange a feeling today as it had been the night of the VMA’s. It was like they no longer knew each other. JC never moved from the door and Justin stayed seated on the small couch. Finally, JC took a step closer and spoke.

“I listened to the album. It’s awesome Justin.” Justin swallowed tightly and tried to speak. His brain was running on light speed again. There was so much he wanted and needed to say, but he couldn’t get his mouth to form any words. JC sighed after a few moments silence.

“Look. I don’t know how much this will mean, but just know that I’m really proud of you,” JC said, pain clear in his eyes, even in the near darkness of the room. Turning, he reached for the door knob and started to turn it.

“No…wait…” Justin finally got his mouth to form words, although a complete sentence seemed almost out of the question. JC stopped and turned around to face Justin again. Climbing to his feet, Justin made his way toward JC, stopping a few feet in front of him. Taking a deep breath, he concentrated on making his mouth work. “You have no idea how much I needed to hear that from you.” He was met with a small, sad smile from JC.

“It’s the truth,” JC shrugged. “Anyway, I should get going. I just, you know…” He trailed off, not sure how to finish his sentence.

“Why?” It was out of Justin’s mouth before he could stop it. JC looked confused for a minute and cocked his head to the side, considering Justin’s question.

“You don’t want me to go?”

“Of course I don’t want you to go Jayce. I love you. I never wanted you to go anywhere in the first place.” Justin shook his head, emphasizing his point. “What I meant, was why did you do any of this in the first place? Why did the past two months even happen the way they did?” JC looked confused again.

“I thought…” He paused and considered Justin for a moment before continuing. “Justin, I didn’t do anything but follow your wishes.”

“What are you talking about?” It was Justin’s turn to look confused. “Why would I wish to not be with you for two months?” JC shrugged again.

“That’s what Johnny told me.”

“Wait, back up,” Justin rubbed his forehead lightly before looking at JC again. “Ok, start at the beginning.”

“At the VMA’s Johnny approached me and told me about the seating. He told me you wanted to be portrayed as on your own, that you didn’t want to be known as Justin from Nsync. That’s why you set up the seating the way you did. You didn’t want to sit with us.” Justin interrupted him, anger in his voice.

“Johnny told you that?!”

“Oh, so you wanted to it be a huge secret? Didn’t want me to know about it?” JC’s voice was also laced with anger, but it wasn’t raised like Justin’s was. Shaking his head so forcefully that JC finally had to grab his shoulders to stop him, Justin glanced at him.

“No, baby, that wasn’t my idea at all. I was as shocked and upset by it as you were when I found out. I wanted to sit with you, needed to sit with you. You’re my support beyond anything else in this world. Do you know how hard it was to not have you sitting next to me, reassuring me? Fuck, we were less than ten seats away yet it felt like you were on the other side of the world!” JC’s head reeled with this new information.

“Then why would Johnny say all the things he said to me?”

“I don’t know, but you can bet your ass I’m going to find out.” Justin was fuming and JC had to grab his arms again to keep him from pacing.

“There’s more Justin. And as much as I don’t want to ask, I need to know if it’s true.” Justin stopped and turned to face JC again, the anger edging away from his face as he regarded his boyfriend. JC sighed. “He said that, well, that you needed space. That you didn’t know how to tell me yourself but you needed and wanted to do this all alone, without me by your side. He said you didn’t feel like it was a true solo album with me still there with you.” He glanced up and met Justin’s eyes. Justin saw hope, hope that maybe this too was a lie. It broke his heart to see the look in JC’s eyes. Reaching for him, Justin pulled him into a tight hug, holding him as close as possible.

“Baby, that is the farthest thing from the truth I have ever heard in my life.” It was whispered against JC’s neck. JC could hear his voice shaking slightly. “I’ve always needed and wanted you by my side. My life didn’t seem complete without you before we were together, and it has seemed even less complete these past couple months.” He paused and pulled away slightly so he could look into JC’s eyes. “I love you, more than anything in this world, including my music and career. You are my world.” The smile that lit up JC’s face was priceless. Justin would have given up everything else in his life to see that smile stay on JC’s face forever.

“I’m so sorry,” JC whispered, pulling Justin back into a hug. “I just thought that it’s what you wanted, so as much as it hurt, I was willing to give it to you.”

“Don’t be sorry, just don’t ever do it again. Why didn’t you come to me and ask me about it?” JC shrugged. He truly didn’t know. “Dumbass.” It was said fondly and JC smiled again. “I love you, don’t ever doubt or forget that, ok?” JC nodded and was about to respond when he felt warm lips cover his own. The kiss was soft, searching, relearning.

“I love you,” JC whispered contently when the kiss ended.

“I love you too. But I have a question. Who’s the girl?” JC knew what Justin was talking about and smiled sheepishly.

“A friend of my sister’s. I wanted to look like I was doing ok without you, when I thought that’s what you wanted anyway.” Justin shook his head.

“I’m seriously going to kill Johnny. I can’t even begin to imagine why he would do something like this.”

“Don’t worry about it right now. Let’s just head back out there and enjoy this launch for an awesome album.” JC said, tugging lightly on Justin’s hand. Before the two could open the door, it opened for them and Chris reappeared. He glanced from JC’s face to Justin’s, then to their joined hands between them.

“So things are ok?”

“They will be. As soon as I fire and then kill our manager,” Justin said, pulling JC slightly closer to him. Chris looked at him curiously and then turned to look at JC.

“We’ll explain later. For now, let’s get back out there. I think someone’s going to notice when the three members of Nsync who are here aren’t anywhere to be found.” Turning to Justin he smiled. “And you don’t have to do it on your own anymore. I’m here for you. You’re stuck with me whether you like it or not now.”

“I have absolutely no complaints about that,” Justin said, smiling as they opened the door.