The first clue was the scowl on his face. Justin wasn’t an angry drunk. When Justin was drunk, one normally expected a lot of laugher, a lot of hugging, a lot of smiling, and an over abundance of kind words. So when Chris sat down at their table and saw the look on Justin’s face, he knew his younger friend was far from drunk.

“Fucking bastard.” That was the second clue. Noting that Justin seemed to be still nursing his first drink of the night, Chris looked up at his face, wondering what he had done to piss Justin off. But Justin wasn’t even looking in his direction. His attention was focused out on the dance floor. His eyes narrowed and his brow creased together. Turning, Chris followed his gaze. JC. JC and a red head. JC and a red head and dancing, grinding, humping, practically fucking. Right there on the dance floor.

Understanding showed on Chris’s features. But he was anything except sympathetic. Not toward Justin. Sure, Justin was his best friend, but he was also being a prick. Although Chris kept that opinion to himself. He vowed he wasn’t going to get in the middle of it. It wouldn’t be fair to him, and it wouldn’t be fair to JC or Justin. Well, ok, it wouldn’t be fair to Justin, because he was completely on JC’s side in this one.

“Did you know he was going to be here tonight?” Justin turned accusing eyes on Chris. The stare bore into him, causing him to shiver involuntarily.

“I honestly had no idea,” Chris reassured him. Justin still looked skeptical, but his gaze traveled away from Chris and back to the dance floor. Back to JC.

“Look at him! He’s all fucking over her! What the hell does he think he’s doing?!”

“Looks to me like he’s dancing,” Chris said, earning another glare from Justin.

“I know what he’s doing. But why? Like that, and with her?”

“No offense J, but he is a single man now. I think he has the right to dance with whoever he wants, however he wants.”

“Fuck you, you don’t know shit.”

“On the contrary, I heard the whole fight. I was ten feet away in the front of the bus, remember? I heard you tell him to, and I quote, ‘just stay the fuck away from me.’ I seem to remember you telling him you didn’t need him, for anything. I remember you telling him you could do it on your own, and that he needed to learn how to function without being attached to your hip ‘every damn second of the day.’ I saw the hurt on his face as he left the back of the bus and buried himself in his bunk. I think I know ‘shit’ pretty well.” So much for not getting in the middle of it.

“You’re a dick,” Justin responded, climbing to his feet. Chris grabbed his arm before he had a chance to walk away.

“Where are you going?”

“None of your business,” Justin said, pulling his arm roughly away from Chris’s grip. Turning, he stalked out to the dance floor, right toward JC and the red head. Chris followed Justin’s movements with his eyes and shook his head.

“Fucking infant,” he muttered bitterly under his breath, downing the drink on the table in front of him.

*****

Justin weaved his way through the sweaty, hard bodies, brushing off people attempting to pull him into a dance as he went. He felt hands grab at his clothes, run across his arms, his chest, his back. He felt bodies press against him suggestively, wrapping around him. But he just shrugged them all off and kept moving. He had a destination and intended to reach it.

Although he knew the general direction he was suppose to be heading in, the strobe lights made it hard to see his destination properly. As he made his way though, he caught sight of the long silky curls, slightly damp with sweat from dancing in the middle of a room full of people, but then just as suddenly, the lights shifted, the room growing dimmer, and he lost sight of them. Still, he continued making his way in the direction he knew he should be heading. The lights shifted again and he saw him, still dancing with the red head, pressed tightly up against her body, holding her close to him, moving his hips sinfully against her back.

Approaching, he grabbed JC’s arm tightly, causing him to falter. His head turned and blue eyes, filled with confusion, captured Justin’s own. The confusion quickly turned to surprise and then to anger. He tried to turn away, to turn back to the red head who had also stopped and was looking at the JC curiously. But Justin tugged on his arm again, just hard enough so he was forced to keep his body close to Justin’s.

“I need to talk to you.” Justin had let his body lean in, pressing close to JC’s. Had let his lips graze over JC’s ear as he spoke. Had paused for a moment afterwards to let his breath ghost over JC’s flushed skin. Then he pulled away and gazed pointedly at JC.

“We have nothing to say to each other,” JC said, staring at him with a hard expression in his eyes, he lips set in an even line, arms crossed over his chest.

“I think we do,” Justin said, turning. But he never let go of JC’s arm and started to pull the older man along behind him. JC fought against him for a moment, trying to free himself, but then seemed to realize it was a losing battle. Justin’s grip was too tight. And Justin knew JC well enough to know he wouldn’t make a huge scene in the middle of the club. So instead, he relented. Justin stopped pulling, but his grip never loosened for fear JC would tug away if it did.

Justin pulled him into the bathroom and, after making sure the stalls were empty, turned to face him. He was leaning on one of the sinks, arms crossed over his chest again. Taking a deep breath, Justin met his eyes, but had to look away before speaking.

“I’m sorry.” He looked up again and saw the edge in JC’s eyes start to fade, although slightly. It gave him hope so he continued. “I never meant to hurt you, Josh. I love you and I made a mistake.”

“Did you come to this decision after seeing me dancing with her?” JC questioned. His eyes never left Justin’s. It was as if he was looking for answers deep down in Justin’s soul. Justin knew JC could read him like a book, had always been able to. Justin was never able to hide anything from JC, and now, he didn’t want anything hidden. He wanted JC to be able to see it all.

“No, yes. Partly.” Justin sighed and ran a hand across his head. It was shaking and he quickly dropped it back to his side, clenching a fist together tightly to try and make it stop. “It’s more than that though. I’ve known from the moment the words left my mouth that it was a mistake. I knew the minute I saw the look on your face. I really never wanted to hurt you. I don’t know why I said what I did. I just know that it was a mistake that I regret.”

“You were scared, Justin. That’s all it’s ever been.” The anger left his eyes and was replaced by something that looked like defeat. “You’ve always been scared. I have no doubt in my mind that you love me. I know that. But you can’t get past the fact that it’s a man you fell in love with. You’re not comfortable with that. And I won’t do it again. I can’t.”

“Are you telling me you don’t love me anymore? Not at all?” Justin took a step forward and grabbed JC’s arm lightly, pleadingly.

“That’s not what I’m saying at all. Justin, I love you more than anything in the world. And that’s exactly why I can’t do this again. You hurt me once because you were scared. I can’t let myself in knowing that could happen again. This isn’t about love. If I didn’t love you, I would have no problem being with you, simply fucking you and leaving it at that. But I do love you, and I can’t put myself out there to be hurt like that by you again. Just because you realized you made a mistake, it doesn’t mean you’ve gotten rid of your insecurities.” He paused and leaned forward, letting his hand rest lightly on Justin’s cheek. “I’m comfortable with who I am, what I am. If the world found out tomorrow, I wouldn’t care. I won’t go and just blurt it out in an interview or something because that could ruin the group. That’s not fair to the rest of you. But if they did find out, I would be ok with it. You wouldn’t. And until you are ok with that, we can’t be together. It causes too many problems. It causes too many fights and I don’t want to fight with you anymore.” He pulled away from Justin and let his hand fall from his cheek.

“So this is it, huh?” Justin’s shoulders slumped forward and his entire body seemed to sag under the weight of it. The defeat washed over his body in a painful wave.

“For now. Maybe someday things can be different. I do love you Justin. I have for years and that’s not something that’s just going to go away. But we’re at the wrong place in our lives right now for this to work. And if we keep trying, I’m afraid we’ll lose our friendship. It’s too important to me and I can’t let that happen.” He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Justin’s lips, pulling him into his embrace for a moment before letting go. He smiled slightly and wiped at the few tears staining Justin’s face.

“I can’t do this without you.”

“I’m still here, J. Whenever you need me, I’m here. All you have to do is call.”

“It’s not the same and you know it.” JC nodded in agreement.

“But it’s better than nothing. Which is where we would end up if this continued. Call me if you need anything.” With one final glance, JC turned and walked out the door, leaving Justin more alone than he had ever been in his life.