Justin sighed and flopped back onto the thick couch. He was the only one in the room, and that was just the way he wanted it. It was his own version of a quiet room. But the truth was, it wasn’t right. Without the other guys there, it just wasn’t right. He sighed again and closed his eyes. If he let everything else go, if he shut everything else out, he could imagine. He could almost see it. Chris and Joey sitting across the room, teasing Lance while Lance talked on his cell phone. The two of them trying to take it away from him, poking at him, and just generally being annoying in any way possible. And JC. He could almost see JC, laying on the couch, eyes closed. He could hear the soft breath come from his mouth as he tried to get a few last minutes of sleep before the show.
And Justin could see, in his mind, himself getting up from his own spot and moving over to where JC lay. Could see himself laying down with JC, curling up with him, half on top of the older man, running a hand across his chest, soothingly. Whispering softly into his ear. It didn’t matter what the words were. All that matter was that they were being said, so softly that only JC could hear him, even if Chris and Joey hadn’t been making a lot of noise. And JC would smile, eyes still closed, but Justin didn’t need to see his eyes to know the love that would be radiating from them. Love for Justin alone.
But now, here he was, on the night of his first solo concert, in his own, not quite right, version of a quiet room, all by himself. He could hear the crowd packing into the venue. The sounds of their talking and occasional screams were muffled through the walls and doors between him and them, but they still reached his ears. It just didn’t feel the same. It didn’t feel right.
He needed the other guys. He needed them more than he thought he did. It was never about abandoning them. Not at all. It was never his intent when he started his solo album. It was simply about doing his own thing for awhile before regrouping with them, stronger than ever. And it had been exhilarating, and nerve wracking, and fun, and scary as hell all at the same time.
But he’d gotten through the promotion for the album. He’d gotten through his first solo performance. He’d gotten through all the rumors and questions and speculation into his life and the life of Nsync as a whole. He’d done it all on his own. But even that wasn’t entirely true. He’d had JC there through most of it. If not in person, at least in the form of a phone call each night. JC had laid to rest his fears and reveled in his victories right along with Justin. He’d had the rest of the guys there, backing him all the time, giving their support even if it wasn’t verbally on a daily basis. And he’d done it. But now, the first night of his solo tour, things were different.
Ok, maybe they weren’t really that different because he still had all of their support. He knew that. It just felt different in his mind. He knew the show, could do it in his sleep by now. That wasn’t the problem. It wasn’t that he was afraid. He knew how to work a crowd. He knew his moves and vocals. It was just that doing an entire show, an entire tour, without the guys, well, it didn’t feel right. He was use to being one fifth of the show. Not the entire show by himself. It had been ok for random appearances on TV shows and at the VMA’s, but this was different. He didn’t know how to tour alone.
The bus, even though he was more than sure he’d never actually be alone on it with the amount of people he had traveling with him, would still feel empty without the comforts and familiar sounds of JC and Chris moving around. The hotel would feel too big, even if he’d stayed in some of the biggest hotels in the world, without the constant activity of Joey going from room to room, just to see what everyone was up to, without the five of them meeting in Lance’s room for breakfast. And his hotel bed would feel huge and lonely without JC to curl up with every night. Not like that was a new occurrence lately, considering he’d been home to JC only a handful of times since the promotion had started last August. But being in tour, knowing his ‘normal’ version of tour life, it would just increase that loneliness ten fold.
He already missed the commotion backstage. Not that things weren’t chaotic and fast paced, because they were. That was like a requirement for any tour. People running around, bumping into each other, calling out last minute cues, the set up and take down of each individual part of the show. It was all normal, and almost comforting in a way. But it just wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the same as the commotion the five of them on their own caused. It wasn’t near as fun to pick on the crew members without Chris by his side. There was no Joey Fatone running up and down the hallways with JC flung over his shoulder, screaming loudly, but good naturedly, for Joey to put him down while he, Chris, and Lance laughed before Justin came to his rescue. There were no silly string fights in the toy room, or scooter races up and down the corridors. It was a lot less fun and seemed kind of pointless to cause trouble without your four partners in crime by your side. Or at least in the same damn building.
He’d wanted this for himself. Wanted the experience of a solo album, just to see if he could do it. And they’d all be beyond supportive of him. But now, with all the rehearsal out of the way, with the tour finally here, he wished he’d never done it to begin with. He missed his friends, his family. He missed his boyfriend, his partner.
Justin heard the screams get louder and knew Christina was taking the stage. That meant he had a little over an hour before he had to be onstage. His cell phone, vibrating and ringing at the same time in his pocket, startled him for a moment. Things had been so quite, just him and his thoughts. The fans screams didn’t even register in his minds radar half the time anymore. It was like a noise you just got use to and lived with until it was simply a part of your life, blocked out most of the time. So when his quiet was shattered, he jumped slightly. But as soon as he picked up on the ring, a smile reached his lips, lighting up his whole face.
JC. His JC.
JC was in London right now, working with some people over there on his album. And although Justin wasn’t sure of the time difference, never had been good at remembering what the difference was in different time zones, JC had apparently made a point of remembering it specifically, just so he could call Justin before he went on stage. Flipping his phone open he brought it to his ear.
“Hey sweetness.” Justin said, voice low and thick with love. JC chuckled softly, causing Justin’s skin to tingle. He knew that nickname made JC smile.
“You ready for tonight, babe?” Justin sighed and JC picked up it right away. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing,” Justin muttered. But JC knew him better than that, and Justin wasn’t even sure why he’d tried. And he knew JC was going to call him on it.
“Bull. What’s up, J? You nervous?”
“Not nervous, exactly. I mean, I know the show, I know my moves and shit. It’s just. I miss you guys, Jace. This just doesn’t feel right,” Justin confessed. He could hear loud music and muffled voices in the background over the phone. “Where are you?”
“A club. And it is going to be different. Justin, all you’ve ever known, tour wise, is the five of us together. But just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s bad. It’s just a new experience. Learn from it, babe. Before you know it, it will be over and you’ll be back with all of us. Until then, have fun, do what you love to do, and get the most out of it.” He paused, letting the words sink in. “Do you remember the promise we made to each other back in Germany, the five of us? About touring?” Justin nodded before remembering JC couldn’t see him.
“Yeah. We said no matter what, we’d have fun with it. We’d do it for ourselves, and for each other, and for the fans. But Jace, that doesn’t exactly work when you guys aren’t here.” Justin knew he was sort of whining, but he really didn’t care.
“Sure it does,” JC said. “And stop whining.” It was a gentle chide, not meant to hurt his feelings. “Just go out there and have fun with it. Do it for yourself, and for the fans. And do it for us. We’re there with you, J. All four of us. Maybe not physically, but in spirit, you’re with all of us tonight.”
“The show isn’t really the problem though. I was just thinking about what it’s going to be like to travel, and to stay in hotels, and to sit backstage before shows without all of you. It’s like. Like I kinda took for granted what we all had together. Or maybe not took for granted, but didn’t really think about how much fun we all have, and the things we all come to rely on with each other during a tour. And now they’re not here. It’s just going to be weird. And on top of all that, I miss you like crazy. We’ve lived our lives together for so long, and now we have only seen each other a handful of times in the past six months.”
“It is hard. The longest we’ve been apart since all this started is a week. I know how hard it is Justin, I feel it too. And I miss you just as much. But look on the bright side. At least this didn’t tear us apart. We’ve made it this far, we can make it a few more months. And I’ll be out before you know it. I promise. When I get back from London, I’m coming to visit.” JC’s promise made Justin smile.
“You’re gonna come see me on tour?”
“Of course I am, J. I wouldn’t miss it.” Somehow, that one comment, made Justin’s day seem that much brighter. It was going to be hard, and lonely. But just knowing he had JC’s love and support, all their love and support, made it a little bit more manageable.
“So, how are things going in London? What time is it there?”
“Things are going good. We’re getting a lot done. It’s a totally different vibe here, man. And it’s almost midnight. You go on soon, don’t you?”
“Soon, yeah.”
“Are you all dressed already?” Justin could hear the undertone in JC’s voice. He smiled.
“Yes, so as much as I’d like a little one on one time with my boyfriend, even all the way across the ocean, I’m sorry to say we can’t. I really can’t ruin the stage clothes. Besides, you’re in a club. And as hot as that would be, I really don’t want a bunch of Europeans seeing my boyfriend get off.” Justin said, frowning slightly. JC laughed, high and loud.
“That would be a sight, wouldn’t it?” A knock on the door interrupted any reply Justin had been ready to give, signaling it was time for Justin to get ready.
“Shit. I gotta go, babe. They’re calling me.”
“You doing any of the preshow rituals? The hacky or the prayer?” JC asked. Justin sighed again.
“Pray yes, definitely. Hacky, not a chance in hell. That’s something the five of us do. No one else can replace that.”
“Ooh, going on without the coveted hacky,” JC teased into the phone. “Risky move, man.”
“Stop it, I’m already nervous enough without that,” Justin said, although his soft tone belied his harsh words.
“You’ll do great, baby. It’s not in you to fail. You’ll go out there, shake those hips and that ass, sing your heart out, and wow the crowd. I have complete faith in you.” Another knock sounded and Justin sighed.
“Thanks. I really do gotta go though. I think someone’s getting impatient.”
“Ok, call me after the show. I don’t care how late it is. I wanna hear all about it. I love you, Justin. Go kill it.”
“Love you,” Justin mumbled, clicking his phone shut. He closed his eyes for a moment, a soft smile reaching his lips. That was just what he’d needed. JC always knew just what he needed. Feeling a little more confident about the entire situation, he stood, arms above his head, and stretched high into the air, before bending at the waist to touch his palms to the ground. He’d flexed and warmed up earlier, but it was always something he did just before he left the quiet room to head to the stage, just for a moment. And doing it now brought him a small amount of comfort.
He moved to the door and pulled it open, expecting one of the crew to be standing there, telling him it was time to head up to the stage area. Instead, JC stood there, hacky sack being tossed from one hand to the other, a huge grin spread across his face.
“I figured you’d need someone to hacky with. Knew you couldn’t do it alone and wouldn’t do it with anyone else.” Justin’s mouth dropped open and he stared at JC.
“You. I mean, the phone. And the club. And. How? Why?” Justin stuttered, causing JC’s eyes to crinkle up in amusement.
“Yes, me. And on the phone, but no club. How, by hopping on a plane, and why. Well, because I love you, and you missed me. And you needed me here, at least for tonight.”
“You flew all the way from London just to be here for me?” Justin asked, still shocked that JC was actually standing in front of him. It’d been a few weeks since he’d seen the man he loved more than anything else in the world, and Justin had to reach out, let his hand rest on JC’s arm, just to prove to himself that JC was really standing there. The muscles that flexed under his fingers, the heat radiating from the skin, the masculine smell hitting his senses told him, without a doubt, that JC was truly standing there. And before JC could answer, Justin had moved in close, wrapped his arms around the older man, pulling him tight against his own body, holding him close. JC’s arms came up as well, wrapping around Justin’s waist, buried his face in Justin’s neck, kissing the skin softly.
“Justin, I’d go anywhere in the world for you. Especially for the first night of your solo tour when I knew you’d be freaking a little. I knew you needed me tonight, so here I am.”
“I love you, so much.” Justin whispered into JC’s skin. JC could feel him shaking a little and pulled back, just enough so he could meet Justin’s gaze.
“You ok?” He let his hand unwrap from Justin’s waist and run along his cheek. Justin moved into the touch, nuzzling his cheek against JC’s palm as he smiled and nodded.
“Now I am.” He leaned in, pressing his lips softly against JC’s own, not caring who was around, who might see them. All he cared about was that JC had flown halfway around the world, just for him. That JC was standing in front of him, holding him, comforting him. “Actually, right now, I’ve never been better.”
“Good,” JC said, placing one last kiss on Justin’s lips before pulling away and tossing him the hacky sack. “Then lets hacky so you can get your cute little ass out there and wow the crowd.”
And that’s exactly what he did. He shook everything he had, sang his heart out, and wowed the crowd, just like JC said he would. But only Justin knew that tonight, just this once, this performance didn’t follow the promise they’d made all those years ago. This performance wasn’t for the fans, or the guys, or even for himself. This performance was for JC, and only JC. This performance was for the man he had given his heart and soul to, for the man standing backstage smiling his brightest smile, clapping louder than anyone else in the venue for Justin alone, huge smile spread across his face as he watched his boyfriend move across the stage. This performance was for the love of his life.
The tour was still going to be different than anything he was use to, but he knew, as long as he had the memories, as long as he had their voices over the phone, their support in his heart, he would be ok. He would make it through, loving every minute of it, and learning along the way. Just like they had promised all those years ago.