You awoke to the sounds of Sean crying, the muffled sobs coming through the baby monitor placed on your nightstand. Opening your eyes, you looked at the other side of the bed and sighed. JC wasn’t there.
Untangling yourself from the covers, you padded barefoot to the door and across the hall to your son’s room. You knew that cry. He was hungry. It still amazed you that he had an individual cry for everything he wanted. It amazed you even more that you knew all of them now.
Picking him up out of his crib, you cradled him against your chest as you made your way downstairs toward the kitchen. His crying quieted slightly once he was in your arms but didn’t stop completely until you had warmed the bottle and held it up to his mouth for him to suck on. He cooed happily as he drank the milk. You moved into the living room and sat down on the couch as you watched your son drink. Glancing at the clock on the mantle above the fireplace, you noticed it was one in the morning. One, and JC still wasn’t home. You sighed deeply and ran the hand not holding Sean across your face. This wasn’t a new thing, lately. In fact, you couldn’t even remember the last time the two of you had went to bed together. Lately you simply woke up together. But even that wasn’t enough because it was always to his alarm blaring and then him rushing around to get ready.
You understood, sort of. He was working on an album, working with a new artist that he had taken under his wing. You knew, better than most people, the type of work that went into making an album. You knew, even better, what JC was like when he made an album. You’d made four albums with him in the time of Nsync, you made three of your own, two of which he’d helped you with. You’d been there before when he went into the studio to produce for another artist. You remembered the lonely days and nights while he was in the studio. But even knowing, and remembering, didn’t make it any less lonely now.
It’d been close to a month since he’d started working on the album, and you knew that meant long, long days in the studio. For JC, that meant endless days, actually. And you understood, you really did. You just missed JC.
Glancing down at Sean, you noticed he had finished his bottle and was almost asleep again, sucking very lightly on the end of the bottle. Pulling it away from his mouth, you rested him against your shoulder and patted his back lightly until he burped. Once you were satisfied he was asleep again, you carried him back upstairs and laid him back in his crib. You leaned on the railings, watching him. He still enraptured you completely. He was this amazing miracle that belong to you and JC. He was yours, both of yours. And that made you so incredibly happy. But then you sighed. JC was missing it.
As tedious as the middle of the night wake ups were, you knew they were part of parenting, part of having a child. And you also knew that the little things like that were gone all too fast. You didn’t want JC to miss out on any of it. But he was, had been for a month.
Finally, you moved away from the crib and back to your own room, slipping back into the too-big bed all by yourself. Sighing, you grabbed JC’s pillow and wrapped your arms around it, burying your face in it. It smelled like him, smelled like the scent you’d fallen in love with years ago, and you inhaled deeply. It brought you a small amount of comfort and before you knew it you were slipping off into sleep.
The sleep didn’t last long though and you were awoken by a strange sound. It sounded like a door opening but it was much too close to be the front door downstairs. A slight moment of panic ripped through you as you realized it was Sean’s door but before you had a chance to worry too much, you heard a familiar voice filtering through the baby monitor.
“Hey peanut.” JC’s voice was soft as he talked to your son. You assumed Sean was still asleep. You’d done it many times before, whispered in the dark to him, knowing he couldn’t hear you. Knowing he wouldn’t understand even if he could hear. But it brought you comfort. You were about to get out of bed and go join JC when his voice made you stop again. “I think your daddy’s mad at me. Not that he doesn’t have every right to be, but I hate to know he’s mad or upset because of me.”
You grabbed the baby monitor off the nightstand and leaned back into the bed, letting it rest on your chest. You weren’t sure if this was breaking any kind of privacy rule, but you figured the two of you were way past privacy anyway and you wanted to hear what he had to say.
“You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life,” JC cooed to your son. “With maybe the exception of your dad.” A deep sigh filled the room as it slipped through the monitor. “I feel awful. I really do. You have no idea how hard this is for me, being away from the two of you all the time. You have no idea how many times I’ve come close to calling it quits, peanut.” Although his words were sad, they made you smile slightly. It was nice to know that he was missing you, almost as much as you were missing him. It didn’t make the loneliness any easier, but at least it wasn’t one sided. JC’s voice cut through the monitor again.
“I just hope he doesn’t doubt my love for him, my love for either of you.” Never. You’d never doubted it. You knew this wasn’t about not loving you anymore, wasn’t about not wanting to be with you anymore. “I’m sure he knows I love him. He knows that’s something that will never change. But I hope he still knows how in love with him I am. That’s right, peanut. Your papa is so totally and completely in love. I just wish I had a chance to show him and tell him that more often lately.”
You heard him singing softly to your son and knew that he was wrapping up his nightly visit. He’d told you, once, that when he got home late, after you were already in bed, that he always went to Sean’s room, just to say goodnight, before slipping in bed with you. And he’d told you he always ended it by singing to him. Setting the baby monitor back on the nightstand, you sat up in bed, back resting against the headboard, waiting for JC.
He entered the room moments later, stopping in the doorway when he saw you sitting there, the moonlight from the balcony window sweeping over your body. A smile grazed his lips as he moved toward you.
“I thought you were asleep. You were when I passed by here a few minutes ago.” You nodded and reached out a hand for him, pulling him into you when his hand slipped into yours. You covered his mouth with a kiss, soft and gentle.
“I love you,” you whispered against his lips, kissing him one more time before pulling back. You saw him glance toward the nightstand, toward the baby monitor, and he smiled. He’d figured it out, he knew you’d heard every word he said.
“I love you too, baby. Please don’t ever doubt that.”
“Never, Jace. I’ve never once doubted your love for me. I’ve been lonely as hell, but I know it has nothing to do with you not loving me. You still show me in so many ways throughout the day, even when your not here all that much.” He looked at you and you could see the questions in his eyes.
“What do you mean?”
“You show me all the time, JC. The tea ready for me next to the coffee you make for yourself before you leave the house, the phone calls throughout the day, just to let me know how things are going, and that you miss me. The fact that you still curl up to me every night when you get home, arms wrapping around me, full of love. And that’s how I wake up every morning, still wrapped in your warm embrace. The way you still kiss me. Every kiss is filled with love. It’s there and I can feel it, deep in my soul.”
“I miss you, Justin. I miss being with you, and with Sean. I miss getting to be there for him, like you are.” He sighed deeply. You’re hands moved to his hair, brushing through it lightly, pressing against his scalp, massaging slowly. You knew it calmed him, reassured him, comforted him. As much as you’d needed comfort today, with the loneliness creeping up on you, you knew he needed it too. And by giving it to him, you were getting that comfort in return.
“It will be over before you know it,” you whispered, bending lightly to kiss the top of his head as he rested against your chest.
“One more week. We should be done in a week. Maybe ten days, but no more than that.” A smile hit your lips, making your eyes crinkle. A week, you could deal with a week. “And I have tomorrow off. They have somewhere they need to be, so they won’t be able to make it to the studio.” The smile grew wider and you hugged him tight against you. “It’s just us tomorrow, baby. Just us.” Just the three of you. You could definitely deal with that.