So he wanted to be more than friends. As much as she wanted to hear that it still didn't change what had happened and she still didn't have a clue where to go from here. If they put it behind them would they be able to work things out together or would they have to do it apart?
She cleared her throat. “Um…so how long have you felt this way?”
JC sighed. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“No Alanna, I don’t know. It’s not something I can pinpoint an exact date on. What about you? What are you thinking…feeling? I haven’t heard a thing about what you want.”
“Wasn’t it obvious what I wanted? I slept with you JC. I don’t just do that with anyone. If you think I do then perhaps you don’t know me at all.”
“No I don’t think you’re like that.” He shook his head sadly. “So you wanted something more to happen between us?” he asked, his voice laced with uncertainty.
“Back then, yeah I did,” she said surely. She looked at him before she continued. “But now… I’m not sure if I know you anymore. I’m not sure you’re who I thought you were.”
“And who did you think I was Alanna? I’m not perfect you know. The fans, the media they all have this vision of me, of what I’m supposed to be like, and I’m supposed to live up to it. But I’m human and I make mistakes.” He was frustrated with the entire situation, with his life, and he was taking it out on Alanna but he knew if anything was to happen between them then she needed to know all this. She needed to know it was JC the man she was getting, not JC pop superstar.
“I don’t expect you to be perfect but I don’t know if I could cope with you making “mistakes” like that one all the time.”
JC bit his lip. What could he say to that? He couldn’t promise that he’d never make a terrible mistake again, he couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t hurt her. Life had a way of throwing things at you that you didn’t expect and with his lifestyle it wasn’t always in his control. “So what do we do? What happens now?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know.”
They couldn’t look at each other. Neither of them said a word until Alanna could no longer stand the silence. “I’m going to be really busy,” she said quietly.
JC nodded. “Yeah you are.”
“And you are too,” she pointed out.
He nodded again. “Yeah we have to record the next album.”
“We…we probably wouldn’t even see each other.”
“You’re probably right.”
“And what would be the point in that right?”
“It would be stupid.”
“Yeah,” she whispered.
The carpet suddenly became very interesting as the two put off the inevitable. JC took a deep breath. “So I guess…”
She slowly nodded. “This is it.”
He nodded in agreement. “It’s for the best.”
“Yeah you’re right, it is.”
Alanna stood from the bed and walked towards the door. She turned back for one last look at JC. He sat on the bed with his head down. “Have a nice Christmas JC.”
He looked up at her. “You too Allie,” he said softly.
She swallowed, trying to force the lump in her throat down before giving him a weak smile and leaving the room. That was it, it was all over. She wanted to get out of the house as soon as she possibly could but she found herself taking in everything about the house on her way out. She realised it was probably the last time she would be there. So much had happened there. Everything in it was connected to him in some way.
JC sat and stared at the spot next to the door where she had just stood and said goodbye only seconds before. She was gone. He hadn’t wanted her to go, but he hadn’t stopped her. She was gone and it was all his fault. She would be better off without him, he had told himself. But now that she was gone he found himself thinking selfishly. He wanted her back for himself. He didn’t care what the guys’ thought, what his family thought, what the record company thought, what the fans thought. He wanted her and that was all he cared about at that moment in time. He’d let her go though.
“Shit,” he muttered. He jumped up from the bed and darted for the door. He sprinted along the hall to the staircase. When he reached the top he saw her. She was about to open the front door and he knew he had to stop her. He suddenly felt panicky as he shouted for her. “Alanna!”
She froze with her hand on the door handle when she heard him call her name. She could hear him run down the stairs and she closed her eyes tightly when she felt his hand on her shoulder.
JC turned her and was immediately overwhelmed with guilt when he saw her tear streaked face. “Allie.”
She shook her head refusing to open her eyes. “Don’t JC, don’t make it harder.”
He reached out and touched her cheek and was surprised when she jerked in surprise but did not turn away from him. He gently ran the pad of his thumb across her cheek wiping the tears away. He studied her face for a moment before speaking. “Alanna…Alanna open your eyes.”
She slowly opened her eyes and was met with his blue ones. “I’m sorry,” she heard him say. The next thing she knew she was being brought into his arms and she couldn’t push him away, it felt too right. She wanted time to stand still so she could stay in this place where everything was perfect.
A while later she felt him withdraw his arms and pull back from her. She was in two minds whether to pull him straight back to her and resume the hug. She looked up at him desperately wanting to know what he was thinking.
“Alanna we can make this work.” He grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “Just say you’ll give it a chance. Give us a chance.”
She found herself nodding and her wish of being back in his arms was granted. Things had always been shaky with them and their future was uncertain. Happiness wasn’t guaranteed but she finally conceded that it was worth a chance. She would be stupid to give up on the chance of love. If love could be found with JC well then that was all the better but only time would tell.
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