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As I gaze at the hour glass days go and all I do is think of you/ And wonder where you are at night / I remember everything, every smile/ And even all the reasons why you say I've pushed you out of my mind
Kevin thought back to the day he gave everything he ever dreamed of away. Every wish, every hope and every desire. Passed it off as if it were nothing and walked away. No, not walked away, strode away confidently as if telling the world that he was determined with his decision. That it was what he truly wanted. Thinking back he realized what a fool he was, how blind he had been. How disillusioned he had let himself get. Now it was 2 years later and he thought about that day every hour. Every minute. Every second. The days were bad, but the nights were worse. It was the nights that scared him, that made his decision clearer, magnified. Every night he lied in bed he thought about what he sacrificed for his pride. His image, what they told him he wanted.
Kevin wondered what his lover was doing at night. If Alex had found another, someone who could be what he wanted, what he needed. If that person could give him what Kevin himself couldn’t. The promise that everything was going to be okay, the promise that no matter what happened they would be together and their love was all they needed. Kevin turned over in his bed and the memories all flooded him, causing his eyes to water. He remembered the day that AJ had decided to get his first tattoo. Kevin had gone with him and got one of his own, just to show AJ that the pain wasn’t that bad. Of course it was that bad but they were together, so they were strong with each other.
And then Kevin remembered the first time they had broken the record for the most CDs sold in one week. The five of them had been so excited, for no one expected Millennium to blow up the way it did. Made them into a household name. If you didn’t love the Backstreet Boys, you hated them, but everyone sure as hell knew who they were. They were selling out stadiums in minutes and were on top of the world. AJ had been afraid that everything would get out of control, that things would end badly if they were overexposed, but Kevin was there to reassure him that nothing bad would happen to them. That he would protect them all and make sure that everything was okay.
And then he remembered when Brian went into the hospital for his heart surgery. AJ had been so afraid at that time and Kevin was there for him. Held him, comforted him. Fell in love with him. AJ fell in love with Kevin as well and one night they sat up and talked everything over a hundred times. Weighed the pros and cons of starting a relationship, going public, starting a life together. In the end, as Kevin remembered, they decided to tell the guys but that’s it. Brian came out of the surgery better than ever and Kevin and AJ were an item. Madly in love and inseparable.
Next came the toughest time of their short relationship. Kevin remembered when AJ’s drinking became more focused, more deliberate. They had discussed coming out publicly. Talked it to death and came to a standstill, AJ wanted public, Kevin didn’t. AJ thought that if they were in love, really in love that everyone should know. That they could celebrate it in the open rather than behind closed doors. Kevin wasn’t ready for the spectacle that would result. Wasn’t ready for the negative backlash and the ‘end of the Backstreet Boys’. They were in the height of their popularity with the Millennium tour and he didn’t want anything screwing with that. So AJ started partying. Staying out late. Drinking to numb the pain. Kevin tried to compromise but wouldn’t do the one thing that AJ wanted, couldn’t expose himself that way. Kevin felt a tear fall from his eye as he remembered the pain that AJ had gone through. The pain that he had caused his lover.
Next came Black and Blue. There was insurmountable pressure to top NSYNC’s record which had beat their record. That brought out insecurities and began to tear Kevin and AJ apart even more. They didn’t beat the record but weren’t worried about it. They’d sold a respectable amount and that’s all that mattered. Kevin remembered during that time that AJ’s grandmother had passed away, his grandmother that he considered as his second mother. Kevin remembered holding AJ close while he cried.. Soothed him while he was angry at the world. Cleaned him up evening after an evening of binge drinking and partying too much. Slowly watching his lover die in front of his eyes.
And finally Kevin remembered the day that AJ realized he needed help. They had talked for hours about them and their lives, and Kevin convinced that AJ needed to go for help. Deal with everything on a professional level. It was the first time AJ could remember seeing Kevin cry in front of him. Kevin was seriously worried about his life, about his health and wanted AJ to get help before he killed himself slowly. So AJ did what he had to do, went into rehab. Kevin knew that AJ was doing it for him as much as he was doing it for himself, and that scared him. It scared him that AJ loved him enough to go for help.
Kevin remembered everything about those 2 years. The most important being the last words that AJ spoke to him before the group was dissolved. Before they went their separate ways and Kevin would never see AJ again. AJ knew why it was that Kevin was pushing him away. "You’re scared. You can’t handle being in love because it means you aren’t in complete control. You have to be in control and in love it’s just not possible. Nothing’s absolute and you’re willing to give what we had away just because you’re scared. Not because you don’t love me, but because you can’t handle not knowing what’s next. That’s the only reason why you’re telling me good-bye, and I don’t accept it. You’re a coward Kevin and the only thing I can take from it is that maybe you’re right. Maybe you didn’t love me all along."
A sob wracked Kevin’s body as he remembered AJ’s words. Nothing had been further than the truth. He had loved AJ with his entire being. He had been right about one thing. He was scared. The depth of his emotions for AJ had rocked him to the core and was something he never expected, never anticipated. He couldn’t let him love someone that much. He had to protect his heart, and in the end was the one who was responsible for shattering it.
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Destiny is everything/ Reality has replaced you with the biggest empty void I’ve ever had in life (ever had in life)/ Oh, I bet you say that I don’t care/ I bet you say that I don’t even think of you/ But God knows how wrong you are
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Kevin knew that AJ thought he didn’t love him. AJ’s words clearly expressed his sentiments and that saddened Kevin. Even while he was pushing AJ away Kevin knew ultimately that what he was doing was wrong. That he was making the biggest mistake of his life. AJ was his destiny, his reason for living, his life. But at the time other things seemed to much more important. His problems seemed to loom high over him and Kevin thought that if he could distance himself away from AJ, from the fact that 2 of the guys in the biggest pop group ever were gay and dating each other, things would be okay. They wouldn’t lose the battle to NSYNC and would be on top forever. Little did he know that when reality sunk in, nothing would have made a difference. Had they come out together, it wouldn’t have affected anything either way. And now Kevin was left with a hole in his life and a bigger one in his heart. There was an emptiness that he just couldn’t escape.
Kevin got out of bed and walked over to the phone that was lying on the table. He sat down and stared at it. For weeks now he had been contemplating breaching his own demand and contacting AJ. He had asked that they cut all ties to one another, it would be easier that way. Out of sight out of mind. Or so he thought. He had never realized the opposite would happen. Never thought that with every day that he didn’t see AJ, didn’t hear from him he thought about him more. Startling him out of his reverie, the phone jumped to life, ringing loudly.
"Hello?" He asked attempting to regain his breath.
"What’s up cuz?" Kevin recognized the thick Kentucky accent of Brian and smiled. Brian was the only one that he had kept in contact with after the group split. Howie had refused to talk to Kevin because of his loyalties to AJ, and Nick had taken off with some girl to travel the world and ended up in some European city where they decided to settle down and stay secluded in anonymity.
"Not much Bri. Just thinking." Kevin sighed knowing where this conversation was going to lead. They always ended up discussing the same thing.
"You do that a bit too much Kevin. Maybe you should stop thinking and start doing! It’s been 2 years, when are you going to get on with your life?" Brian’s voice became a cross between concerned and annoyed. He wished he knew what he could do to help, but it seemed as though Kevin didn’t want help. As though he enjoyed living in continual pain and misery.
"How can I get on with my life when the only thing I lived for is gone?" Kevin felt himself start to cry and he willed the tears to stop. This wasn’t helping anything, it never did.
"Do you love him Kev? Did you ever really love him?" Brian had to ask.
Kevin couldn’t believe that Brian would ask him that. Of course he did. "I always have loved him Brian."
"Then why did you push him away? Why did you break his heart. Why did you desert him when he needed you most?" Brian’s words cut him deep, opening old wounds.
"Because I loved him. I just wasn’t ready to deal with it then." Kevin sighed wondering how something so right ended so wrong.
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Baby will you be there when the morning comes/Just give me time (just give me time) To fix my life baby (to fix my life baby)/Baby will you be there when I open my eyes/After all the time I've spent wishing you
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*Flashback*
AJ was crying. Kevin was crying. Neither knew what to do or how to resolve this, if they even could resolve it. "I need time Alex. I can’t do this. Not now." Kevin pleaded with his lover, not liking the finality of what he was seeing.
"Not now or not ever?" AJ questioned. If there was ever a time for them to go public with their relationship it was now. He had just gotten out of rehab and was getting his life back together. Righting all the wrongs he had done, fixing everything so he could finally live his life how it was meant to be lived. Sober and publicly in love with the man of his dreams.
"Not now baby. We’ll work this out. It’s just...." Kevin took a breath and knew that the next sentence out of his mouth was going to sound nothing like he planned it to, but he had to say it.
"It’s just that this isn’t a good time. You just got out of rehab. How are they going to take us being gay? We’re going to lose even more fans, even more respect." Kevin cringed and waited for AJ’s reaction. When nothing was said he slowly opened his eyes and winced. He never expected the look of utter horror he was met with.
"Are you saying you’re embarrassed by us? That being with me is something you need to hide?" AJ’s world crumbled around him. Why the hell had he gone through so much trouble to get clean when it was for nothing. Without Kevin he had nothing, and it seemed like Kevin was ashamed of him.
Kevin felt the bile rise in his throat and suddenly realized the mistake he had made. His fears of the group breaking up, of all of this, whatever it was for now, ending was nothing compared to the fear of losing AJ. He hadn’t thought that he and AJ would really end their relationship over this, he just thought they’d take a break and wait until everything calmed down. Ending it had never consciously entered his thoughts until that exact second. Until he saw the anguish on his lover’s face, knowing that it was his doing that caused it. He paused and started sobbing uncontrollably. "Please AJ. Don’t look at me like that. I just need time to deal with it, with everything."
"You’ve had 2 years Kevin. Two fucking years since that day I told you I loved you and you said you loved me too. Said we’d work through everything, that everything would be okay. It was all a lie. You loved me when you thought no one would know. But now that I want to share it with everyone you’re not so sure. You don’t need time Kevin, you’ve had time. You need someone else. That’s what it is. You’re scared. You can’t handle being in love because it means you aren’t in complete control. You have to be in control and in love it’s just not possible. Nothing’s absolute and you’re willing to give what we had away just because you’re scared. Not because you don’t love me, but because you can’t handle not knowing what’s next. That’s the only reason why you’re telling me good-bye, and I don’t accept it. You’re a coward Kevin and the only thing I can take from it is that maybe you’re right. Maybe you didn’t love me all along."
Kevin stopped to look at AJ and a sense of finality washed over him. "I guess that’s it then. I care about us AJ I do. But I also care about our careers. It’s for the best." He stopped shaking slowly and an eerie sense of calmness covered him. His heart was breaking but he knew he had to be strong. If it wasn’t the right thing to do then this all would have been for nothing, so it had to be right. It was then Kevin turned away and began walking down the longest road of his life, unsure if he could ever turn back now that he’d started.
*End flashback*
Kevin snapped out of his daydream and thought about that day. All he had needed was time away from it all and he realized what a mistake he had made. But of course his pride stopped him from doing anything about it. AJ had been right. He was a coward. The entire time they had been together everyone thought Kevin had been the strong one, had been the one holding them together. They were wrong. It had been AJ all along. When AJ had a problem he thought about it, dealt with it and moved on. Creating something positive from the experience. Kevin on the other hand just moved on, not dealing with it, willing it to go away. Maybe it was time to right his wrongs, seek redemption on his soul. Maybe it was time for him to deal with his problems head on and face the consequences. Anything had to be better than this. Pining away day and night unable to function knowing that the only person he had ever loved was the person he hurt the most.
Before he could stop himself Kevin picked up the phone and dialed the 10 digits he knew would connect him to the voice he so desperately needed to hear. He didn’t care that it was almost 3 am, it was now or never. Kevin’s breath caught in his throat as he heard the all to familiar voice on the other end of the line answer. "Hello?"
"I’m so sorry Alex." Kevin whispered before choking up.
"Kevin?" He could hear the surprise and the sadness with which AJ said his name and knew that this wasn’t going to be as easy as he hoped.
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Sadness has overwhelmed me/ My mind flies I can not sleep/ Imagine that you’re happy with your life right now/ I guess that’s just the way it goes, forever’s gone/ So now I must place you with all the things that I can never have
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"I’m so sorry Alex. I never meant..." Kevin was speaking through his tears, praying to anything he could that he could erase the pain of the last two years. All the pain he had caused.
"I know you didn’t Kev. Are you all right?" AJ sat up at checked the clock. It was after 3 am. He had waited 2 years for this phone call, afraid that it would never come. Afraid that those harsh words they had spoken so long ago would be their last interaction. That all the history they had between them would be erased because of Kevin’s fears. He had spent too much time angry and finally woke up one day with the realization that his life couldn’t wait. He had things to do and feeling sorry for himself wasn’t something he was all that interested in. So he moved on. He knew that the passionate promises of forever and always were only true in idealistic fairy tales and forever wasn’t nearly as long as people hoped it would be. Forever was in your heart and that was it. He had never stopped loving Kevin, but he had started to love himself and it was because of that he knew he couldn’t wait for something he wasn’t sure was ever going to come.
"I’m fine AJ. Just been thinking so much lately. Wasting so much time and I decided that maybe it’s time to stop being the coward. Maybe it’s time to deal with my insecurities and fears and do what I should have done so long ago. I know you’ve moved on, you deserve everything that I couldn’t give you. But I can’t not have you in my life." Kevin’s voice broke as he said the last part. It was true. If he couldn’t have AJ in his life as his lover, he needed him there at least as his friend.
AJ’s heart began to speed up, his pulse was racing. Although he had indeed dated a few people since he and Kevin had broken up, no one had even come close to what he felt when he was with the older man. He had to take things slowly and think each step out clearly. Jumping too fast into something with Kevin could only spell disaster. He remembered what had happened last time he trusted Kevin with his heart and wasn’t ready for that to happen again. "I need you too Kev. I’ve missed you so much."
Kevin sighed in relief and felt the weight of the world lift from his shoulders. He hadn’t expected AJ to be so welcoming. His relief was short lived.
"But Kevin you have to realize it’s not going to be easy. We’re starting over. From the beginning, the very beginning. I don’t trust you with my emotions, with my heart and you have to earn that trust. You will take nothing for granted and expect nothing from me. I can’t take you doing what you did to me again." AJ’s voice was surprisingly strong for how scared and nervous he was. "And although I still love you, I’m not sure I’m in love with you. I’m not saying that I won’t fall in love with you again, but I can tell you I won’t be so careless with my heart this time around. There will always be a part of me that will be forever closed off to you Kevin. Can you handle that?"
"Oh Alex. Anything. Anything you want, I just want to know that we can be friends. That you’ll be in my life no matter how big or small. That you’ll let me into yours." Kevin couldn’t help the tremble in his voice and knew that he had been given a second chance. He knew that things would never be how they had been before. There would always be that doubt in AJ’s mind, but he would do what he could to help ease it, lessen the hurt that lay in both their hearts.
As they talked Kevin realized just how lucky he was. What a chance he had been given and knew that he wouldn’t make the same mistakes again. Now that AJ had begun the process of forgiving him, he could start to forgive himself. For once he was thankful for the memories that plagued him, that reminded him of mistakes he had made, for it was those memories he would use to build their future. It was those memories that would be a constant reminder of what he almost lost and gave up because he was afraid to follow his heart. It was time to make new memories, ones that would see him through the rough times ahead and lead him down the path that he almost didn’t find the first time around.
Finis
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