Chapter Eighteen

Nick smiled as Aurora danced to the Linkin Park CD he had on. Julia would kill him if she knew he'd let her hear this, but she was a baby. She probably couldn't even make out the words. He run up and spun her around the room, laughing as he received a giggle of enjoyment. He loved having her around. It kept him busy.

Sadie sighed stepping off the elevator. Why'd she go to that convention again? She got to her and Nick's room and heard the LP CD playing loudly. Nick and his music… She slipped the key card in and opened the door, revealing Nick and Aurora laughing as he spun her around the room. For the first time that day, she smiled and leaned up against the doorway.

Nick turned as the door opened and blushed a little bit. Still holding the little girl, he turned the music down. "Hey," he laughed, "How'd it go?"

She smiled back at him. "I think they sucked the life out of me," she answered, walking in the room. Letting the door close behind her, she tossed the car keys on the dresser. She put her purse on the floor, walked over to Nick and ruffled Aurora's hair. "How'd we end up with her?" she asked, making faces at the baby.

"AJ and Julia needed some ‘time’ together…" he sighed, "Listen closely and you'll realize why I had the music as loud as I did."

Sadie listened momentarily and then smiled. "Gotcha… Linkin Park?" she asked.

He nodded, setting Aurora down. “Yeah… They’re old, but still as good as when the CD came out.”

"So how was your day?" she asked as she sat on a chair and took off her sneakers, momentarily rubbing each foot as she looked up at him.

"Boring…" he sighed, sitting next to her, "I had NOTHING to do. Management wouldn't let us leave the hotel, there's no good movies, I couldn't sleep, and all the guys were busy."

"Awe, poor baby," she mocked him.

He rolled his eyes, "Shut up…"

Suddenly, there was a wailing sound from the other side of the room. Nick shot up, seeing Rory crawling out from under the table, rubbing her head. He raced up to her, scooping her up. By instinct, he cradled her to his chest, rubbing her back and rocking them. He pulled back to examine her wound, "You bump your head?"

Aurora sniffled and nodded, a tear running down her face.

Nick smiled weakly and kissed her forehead, "Better?"

"Yeah," the baby whimpered.

He just grinned and hugged her again. He turned to Sadie, "She's tired… She'll be out soon enough."

Sadie watched him with Aurora and couldn't help, but smile. He had a way with kids. He'd make a great dad… eventually. "Aurora, do you want to watch a movie?" she asked softly.

Rory looked at her with blank eyes. She turned to Nick. Nick smiled and nodded. Aurora's voice was soft, "Yes." She hadn't interacted with Sadie much and was still somewhat shy.

Sadie smiled and walked to her suitcase, pulling out Cinderella and pushed the video into the VCR. She sat down on one of the beds and patted the spot next to her, remote in hand.

Nick walked over, sitting next to her with Aurora in his arms. He sat back and let Rory cuddle into his chest as she watched the beginning of the movie. She was asleep in minutes.

Sadie just looked at Nick and smiled. "Want me to call down for a crib?" she whispered.

"No… She can sleep on the couch. I put some blankets down for just this reason." Getting up, he gently placed her down and planted a kiss on her dark brown hair. He tucked her in and hearing her even breathing, let her be.

Sadie smiled as she watched him with her. When he turned back, she blushed slightly and turned her attention back to the movie.

"Do we have to watch this?" he whined.

"Come on, it's my favorite!" she pleaded with a smile and a slight gleam in her eye.

He pouted. "Fine… but I'm gonna go get some air," he said, pointing to the balcony.

Sadie nodded and looked at him for a moment longer before looking back to the movie. She glanced back as he turned towards the balcony. "You okay?" Sadie asked softly.

He turned, "Yeah, I'm fine." He smiled weakly and went outside, grabbing something on his way out.

Sadie, now somewhat worried about him, looked around the room. Since he told her, everything, she'd been able to ‘read’ him a little better. She stood and walked to the balcony, leaving the movie on and Rory sleeping. She stepped outside, leaving the door open so they could hear Rory should she wake up.

Nick leaned against the railing, not hearing anyone behind him. He smiled dryly as he took a drag off his cigarette.

"Since when are you a smoker?" Sadie asked softly from her spot behind him.

He whirled around, blowing smoke from his mouth. "I… I uh…" he knew he was caught, "I don't know. A while ago, I guess."

Sadie just nodded. She wanted to scold him, but he was a big boy. He could make his own decisions. "I see," she said, not knowing if she was welcome out there or not.

He put it out, only half done. "Sorry," he mumbled, "I knew you wouldn't like it. It just… kinda helps."

She shrugged, "Whatever works. I would lecture you, but I'm sure you know it causes cancer, and can damage your vocal chords."

He laughed, "Yeah… I know. And I'm sure that's the least you wanna tell me about it." He glanced up at her, "What're you out here for anyway? It's cold, you should have a coat."

"Fresh air," she answered with a smirk.

He rolled his eyes, "Bull… That was MY excuse and look what I came out here for."

"Okay, I came out here to check on you. You sure you're okay?" she admitted.

"Yeah," he nodded, "I'll be okay. I'm just in one of those moods where you're a little down, ya know? Just… thinking about everything."

"Oh, want me to go back inside?" she offered.

Nick looked at her strangely and spoke softly, "If you want to."

She stretched out and looked up to the stars, "It's a nice night."

"Uh huh…" he looked to the sky, "This is what I like about when we get a hotel outta the city. It's so peaceful and quiet."

"It's great," she agreed, watching him.

"Ya know," he got a far away look in his eye, "I remember once me and my dad went out on the boat late at night. We went way out and slept on the deck. He told me he wanted to show me what real beauty was. I was eight."

Sadie watched him, glad he decided to speak about what was on his mind. She waited for him to continue.

"It's one of the fondest memories I have of him. He was happy. He was away from his life and his job and his family…" he sighed, "Perfect. Just… it was beautiful. This," he pointed up, "doesn’t hold a candle to what we fell asleep to that night. I miss that."

Sadie smiled softly, glad he at least had a few good memories of his ‘parents.’ She stood and walked next to him, looking up.

"Mm…" he moaned softly, "I wanna go home now. I don't wanna tour. Sadie, can I tell you something?"

She was surprised, to say the least, by what he just said. "Of course, you know you can tell me anything," she assured him.

"You have to promise not to tell anyone else though…" he smiled at his childlike comment.

"Cross my heart," she answered, making a cross across her heart.

He turned serious, looking outward again, "I'm done."

"What?" she asked, not understanding.

"I'm done…" he sighed, "Finished."

"With what?" she asked again, turning and leaning her back on the railing so she could look at him.

"I've been doing this since I was a preteen, Sadie…" he explained, "After this tour… I'm done."

"Oh…" she answered, "What led you to this decision?"

Nick shrugged, "I'm sick of it. I want an actual life now. I don't want people to see me in magazines every other day."

"So, it's not worth it anymore?" She wanted to understand, but it was hard for her to get.

"It's always been worth it… I've always loved it and I never regretted a day and I never will," he shook his head, "It's just becoming too much. I came so close to losing myself. So close, it scared the shit outta me and I'm just realizing it now."

"See, Nick, that's where I think you're wrong," she disagreed.

"What do you mean?" he whispered.

"I mean, you're finally figuring out who you are. Maybe all this isn't for you anymore. But it's not because you're scared. It's because… you're finding out who Nick Carter is. Just don't do anything you'll regret later."

"I need to end this," he stated, "It's time for me to move on. I can't be a boy band member all my life. Maybe Kevin feels secure being in this group at thirty-two, but I'm beginning to feel outta place at twenty-four."

"Then, it's not for Nick Carter. It shouldn't matter what's right for Kevin Richardson, Howie Dorough, Brian Littrell, or Alex McLean. All that matters is what's right for Nick Carter. And if this isn't it, if you feel you need to end this… then… end it."

"I just don't know how… How do I tell them that ‘Baby Backstreet’ doesn't wanna be an entertainer anymore? But I know I gotta tell them soon before management arranges something else."

"You sit your big brothers down and you tell them how you feel," Sadie answered simply, knowing that was much easier said than done.

"Right," he sighed, "Yeah, I'll do that." He quickly lit his cigarette back up, "Sorry, but I gotta."

She smiled softly and lightly placed her hand on his arm.

He stared at her. "What?" he spoke softly.

"Nothing," she answered with a small shake of her head. She couldn't watch him smoke, so she walked back towards the room, letting her hand fall from his arm as she did so.

Nick hurt inside when she walked away, but quickly brushed it off. He finished his smoke and went back inside. He found Sadie sitting on the bed, brushing her hair. He tossed his stuff on his own and glanced at her, "You mad at me?"

She shook her head, her hair swinging back and forth slightly. "For what?" she asked, looking up at him.

"I don't know… You just seem a little… peed off," he stated, sitting down.

"The word is… disappointed, but I didn't want to use it," she answered, "But I'm also a bit proud."

Nick looked down, playing with his hands, "How can you be both?"

She laid on her stomach and rested her head on her hands, "Well, I'm disappointed that you smoke now. I never thought you'd do that. But I'm proud, because you're finally making decisions for yourself and not letting anyone else influence what you want to do. That's how I'm both."

He got up and laid down next to her on his back, "I know… It's weird. Both are… but I guess I kinda started lighting up when I started to figure out I didn't wanna do this anymore. I won't need my voice so…"

"‘I won't need my voice, so let's give myself throat cancer.’ Sounds like a plan!" Sadie spat, looking at him.

"You said you weren't mad," he reminded, "And I'll be fine. The chances that this'll have any affect on my voice or health are slim to none. I checked."

She raised an eyebrow at him.

"I did… I'm not as stupid as everyone thinks, ya know…" he rolled his eyes.

"Where did you do this researching, Mister Carter?" she asked lightly.

"The internet. Whether it's true or not, I have no idea, but it helps to put MY mind at ease." He laughed, "It at least gives me the courage to take the first puff."

"Well, maybe I should restrict your access to the internet. I don't need you getting cancer and dying on me," she smiled.

He smiled back, "I won't die…"

"Not right away!" she said back, "But… if you get cancer… then what?"

"Then I'll deal. What're you trying to accomplish here?"

"How am I supposed to deal?" she asked ignoring his question, and locking eyes with him.

"Deal with what?" he cocked his head.

"If you get cancer, how am I supposed to deal? I might as well shoot myself now at the chance of you getting cancer. I don't even want to think about it!" she answered, putting her fingers to her head like a gun.

Alarmed, Nick pulled her hand down, "Sadie, stop it! That's scary!"

"Well… so is the thought of losing you," she shot back, "Because through all this, I know I haven't lost you."

He looked at her softly, "Ya know what's even scarier?"

"Hm?"

"That if we hadn't taken this break… You would have lost me. And I would have lost you. And this," he motioned between the two of them, "would be over… for good."

She smiled softly, "Well, I'm glad we were smart enough to take this break." Tears came to her eyes at the thought of losing everything she had with him.

Nick frowned, "Don't get upset. I'm sorry."

"I just don't know what… Never mind. It's stupid," she said as she wiped at her eyes.

"Come on now… You know I won't take that," he teased, "I always have to know."

She smiled softly. "I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have you, and I don't know… what I'd do… if I lost you. That's why I'm disappointed I guess," she spoke, her voice barely a whisper as she looked down to her fingers.

He voice caught in his throat, "I'm… sorry, Sadie. I didn't think it'd affect you this much except… gross you out or something. If anything did happen, it wouldn't for like thirty years."

She answered softly, "You know I don't like smokers… Don't worry though, it's your choice."

"I'll," he sighed frustrated, "try to stop."

"No, you don't have to on account of me," Sadie smiled.

He shook his head. He knew she really hated it, "You know it doesn't matter if you tell me to stop or not."

"I know, that's why I don't want you to if you don't want to," she said.

He waved her off, "We'd better get some sleep. I actually have to work tomorrow."

"Yeah. Can I ask you something?"

"Anything," he smiled.

"Why did you think it wouldn't affect me? Granted, I make a bigger deal out of things then they are. It just… I dunno… that kinda stung."

He shrugged, "Well... to me, it's not that big a deal. I thought when and if you found out, I thought you'd be more like, ‘Ewe, I'm never gonna kiss you again,’ instead of, ‘Oh my God, you're gonna die.’ Ya know?"

"Well… to me… I mean… I watched six family members die of cancer in a matter of two years. It's a big deal. But you didn't know that so I can't… I can't blame you," Sadie blurted.

Nick looked at her, "Don't tell me this. I can't… believe that… God, we really don't know anything about each other, do we?"

"I guess not," she realized, "Well, what do you want to know?"

"Everything, Sadie…" he sighed, "I wanna know everything about you."

"Well, ask me a question," she stated.

"Best memory of your life."

She thought for a moment, "My entire life?"

"Yeah…" he sat forward, interested in what she had to say.

"Back in NYC, when I was little, me and Anne would play in the water from fire hydrants," she smiled, "That's the closest I've ever been to a waterfall. What about you?"

"We'll have to change that," he winked, "Me? Oh, I dunno…"

She smiled, "Think!"

He squinted, deep in thought. "Okay…" he nodded, "back in like… 1999 or 2000… I surprised Aaron on his tour in Canada. We hadn't seen each other in like… seven months. It was really an emotional time."

Sadie smiled. For some reason, she knew it would have to do with Aaron.

"He started crying and everything. Right on stage and… That's strange for Aaron. He doesn't cry often."

"Must take after his brother," she smiled.

He looked at her with a strange, amused look, "I cry all the time. I'm such a pussy, that's all I do when I'm upset."

"Yeah, but how many people get to see that?"

He sighed and started counting on his fingers, "You, Aaron, BJ, Mom, Julia, Alex… All the crew and dancers now. And… TRL."

"Oh yeah…" she laughed, "Okay, I tried making you feel better!"

"Thanks," he chuckled, "Alright… worst memory."

She sighed, "That entire two year span, both sets of my grandparents, my thirty year old uncle, and my forty-two year old aunt all died from cancer." She looked to her fingers, "It was crazy…”

"That's awful," he stated, placing a hand on her arm, "I'm so sorry, Sadie…"

She smiled softly and shrugged her shoulders. "That was right before we moved to Florida… I was seventeen when my aunt died and she was the last one to go. My uncle was only thirty…" she shook her head, it was still hard for her to believe.

"I'm sorry to hear that… It's always sad to lose someone you love."

She nodded, "I think I already know yours… but I'll ask… You?"

"Well…" he seemed to get a little uncomfortable, "I guess you'll think it's when I tried to… ya know… But actually, I'd say my worst memory was the thing that led me to that."

Sadie rolled to her side to watch him easier as he spoke. "Which was?" she pried gently.

"My mom cheated on my dad when she came with me on tour. They always slept next door in the adjoining room. I could HEAR them…" he shivered in disgust.

Sadie's face twisted at the thought.

"When we got back home, my mom felt guilty and told my dad the whole thing…" he closed his eyes tight, "He… He came into my room that night and beat the shit outta me. Telling me that it was because of me that it happened. That he couldn't satisfy her cuz she was with me, pursuing my career. I tried to tell him that she wanted to come with. That I didn't want her to… but he wouldn't listen."

Nick paused and was quiet for a minute or two. "It the morning, when I had a black eye and bruised ribs, my mom ignored me. She wouldn't admit what happened and I didn't press. She knew… I know she knew cuz her room was closer to us than Aaron's and Aaron asked why Dad had been yelling. Saying that he woke up when Dad threw something against the wall. Bet Aaron didn't guess that was my head."

Sadie gently ran a finger down the side of his face. "I'm sorry, Baby," she said more out of habit that anything else, "You didn't deserve any of that.”

He shrugged, "It's over, right? So, I'm over it."

"No, you're not," she argued.

He looked at her before glancing away, "So what? Nothing I can do about it… Sometimes I'll try to bring things up to them… Things that happened and I always get the ‘Oh Nick’ line. So, oh well. That's that."

Sadie just sighed, knowing there was no arguing with him. "Okay… ask me another question…"

"Um…" he smiled evilly, "Do you wanna kiss me?" He hoped she knew he was kidding.

"Sometimes," she stated, "Not now as much as before."

He frowned, not expecting an answer, least of all that one. He didn't need to hear how undesirable he was at the moment. "Oh."

"Then again, I never did kiss a smoker," she smiled.

He gave a half smile, "I was kidding you know… I didn't expect you to answer."

"I know, that's why I did."

Nick shrugged, "Okay, I guess…"

"No more real questions in there?" she asked.

"Um… I don't know. I might think of something. How about you?" he questioned.

"Do you regret us?" The question fell from her lips and she couldn't even believe she asked it. But after she did, she was glad. It had been bothering her for a while.

"What?" he asked quickly, "No! No, no…" He stopped, "Why? Do you?" He stood up. He knew and hoped he was overreacting, but that took him by total surprise.

"No! Not at all, not ever!" she answered, moving to a sitting position. "I don't even know where that question came from," she defended, hoping he'd understand.

He looked at her for a second before sitting back down, "Sorry… You just scared me. And no, never."

"I scared myself when that came out," she said, "You believe me right? That I don't regret… us."

"Yes, I do."

She just smiled back, "Good." Somewhere, deep inside her, that must have been eating at her. Because somewhere deep inside her, she felt relieved. "I didn't mean to scare you.”

"I know," he grinned, "Next?"

She smiled, lying back down on her back and looking at him upside down, "If you could be anywhere in the world… right now… where would you be?"

He laid down beside her, "I don't know if I should tell you that. It might break our ‘rules.’"

"These are all honest questions. But if it's X-rated, you better whisper. We have little ears in the room," Sadie chuckled, motioning towards the snoring, small body on the couch.

"I don't think it's quite X, but… probably R," he laughed, "If I could be anywhere… I'd go back to the first night we were together."

She cocked her head at him, "Why?"

"Because you were adorable… and beautiful. It was the best night of my life… and the best I'd had in a while," he giggled, "In the morning, you were so shy. Covering up and blushing whenever I looked at you…"

Sadie’s face flushed, thinking back to it. "Well, it was the first time someone had seen me so… naked."

"And I didn't waste a minute of it…" he smiled, "You made me feel so special to take that. Thank you for letting me have it, Sadie… I don't know if I ever really thanked you."

She blushed again, "You’re what I was saving it for."

It was Nick's turn to blush, "You don't regret that, do you?"

"Not for a second," she stated with a shake of her head.

He grinned before looking away, "Next?"

"If you could go to any concert, who would you see and why?" she asked with a smile.

"I'd go back in time to an *NSYNC concert," he laughed, "That would be funny as hell! Nick Carter, Backstreet Boy, is seen jamming at the *NSYNC concert."

She laughed out loud, "It kinda sucks that they disbanded. I liked them."

He pouted, "I thought you were a BSB fan…"

"You knew I liked them!" she countered.

"So? You should like me better. Don't think I don't know about the poster of Justin Timberfuck on the door of your closet in our bedroom. When you send me in there to get your shoes, I notice things, Sadie Pierce."

She laughed out loud, "What does it matter? He married Britney! It's just a fantasy! WHO had the Playboy calendar hanging in his bus, Nick Carter!"

"It was AJ's!" he shot back playfully, "I don't look at that stuff! It's nasty!" Suddenly, Nick stopped and looked at her, "What do you mean ‘fantasy’?"

"A teenage fantasy… I used to want him," she shrugged.

"You don't any more?" he questioned.

"No, not anymore," she smiled, "He's like… crack skinny. I'm not attracted to that."

Nick rolled his eyes, "Yeah, you like fat guys." He grabbed his gut lightly.

"No… just… chunky," she smiled, poking his belly.

He gave her a weak half smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. He missed how whenever he got self-conscience about his weight, she used to lean down and lift up his shirt to kiss his tummy. It always felt so good and it washed away all his worries. He couldn't have that right now, so it affected him just a bit more. He brushed it off and laughed a little, "Well then, you got what you wanted."

She smiled knowingly, "Yep." She wanted in that moment to kiss him. But that would break their rules. So instead, she faked a yawn. "It's getting late…"

He looked at the clock, "Yeah, it is…" He got up and made his way to his own bed, pulling off his shirt and pants. He carefully picked up the sleeping baby and cuddled with her. She could sleep there the night.

Sadie watched him and moved under her own blankets. She reached over and shut off her light. "Good night, Nick. I love you," she said softly.

"I love you too," Nick yawned, falling into a deep sleep.