Chapter Sixteen

Sadie's eyes softly fluttered open. She sighed as she felt herself wrapped up in a familiar position. His arms wrapped securely around her waist, his legs entwined with hers, and his face buried in her neck. She sighed and closed her eyes, falling back into a light sleep, not wanting to leave the security of his arms just yet.

Nick woke and moaned, snuggling into the warm body he felt against him. He lightly kissed the skin of Sadie's neck and sighed, not realizing what was going on.

Sadie shuddered in her dream, the feel of Nick's lips on her skin was too real. A soft moan left her lips.

He gave a little whine and started kissing up her jaw, having heard her. His leg lifted to settle up on her hip, his ankle locking under her thigh.

Her eyes opened at the shift of his body, she sighed. "Nick…" she said softly.

Nick opened his eyes and looked around. Suddenly, he gasped and jumped away.

Sadie just stayed where she was, not knowing what to say, or what to think. She just laid there, blank.

He, on the other hand, started to panic. Rolling on his side so he couldn't see her, he breathed heavily. This was too hard.

Sensing his distress, she stood silently, grabbed her suitcase and walked into the bathroom, slamming the door.

Every part of him wanted to leave, but Sadie's words echoed in his head, ‘You always run away! Why won't you talk to me?’ Gathering his courage, he walked to the door and knocked. "Sadie… come out. We have to talk," he whispered.

Sadie was about to step in the shower, but wasn't going to give up this chance to really talk. Maybe he would ‘say something’ this time. She wrapped a bathrobe around her and slowly opened the door.

Nick gasped at the sight of her. All sleepy and in a robe, she looked adorable. He stared for a second, taking her in.

Nick's hair was standing on end. Sadie fought a chuckle and the urge to reach up and run her hand through it at the sight of him.

He saw her amused glance and looked away.

"What did you want, Nick?" she asked softly, leaning against the frame of the door.

"I… I wanted to talk," he stated, shifting from foot to foot.

"About what?" she brushed past him and leaned up against the desk.

He stumbled out of her way and watched her walk, "What happened?"

"When?" she asked in return, crossing her arms across her chest.

"When we woke up. We were…" he trailed off.

"Cuddling?" she finished for him, "Kissing?"

He looked up in surprise. How could she say that so casually? "Yes…"

"It's the subconscious, Nick," she stated.

He cocked his head, "What'd you mean by that?"

"The subconscious, the part of your brain that controls your dreams, that controls what happens when you sleep… the things you do in your sleep… just shows what you really want to do when you're awake," she explained.

Nick blushed, "Oh… okay." He went to turn away.

"Is that all?" Sadie asked softly.

He looked at her expectantly, "You have something to say?"

"I thought maybe you did."

He walked up to her, "Sadie… what do you want me to say? Anything… I'll tell you anything, just ask. I promise… Sadie, please… I promise." His heart was beating rapidly. He needed to know what she needed to hear from him.

"Why?" she looked up into his eyes.

"Why what? You always ask why and I don't know what it's about," he whispered, hating to get her upset.

"Why can you talk to her and not me?" she asked, not wanting to upset him. Yet she asked anyway, knowing it was inevitable. She braced herself for the worst as her eyes cast to the floor.

Nick's heart broke, "Her? Julia? I… Julia… is… she's… She's my best friend, Sadie." He shook his head, "You're my best friend, but… she's… she's Julia and… I love her and she loves me and we just… click. We're there for each other. Anything I can't tell anyone else, I'll tell her."

That last statement nearly killed her. "Oh…" she said, "I'm gonna go shower."

"Sadie," he choked, "Don't run away."

"Why can't you tell me?" Sadie asked loudly, nearly strangling herself with the words.

He paused and his eyes shifted to the floor and back to Sadie. He only spoke up when he saw the look of concerned annoyance on her face. "I'm scared!" he yelled, beginning to panic.

"Why?!" she exclaimed, needing to understand.

"I don't want to… lose you. Okay? I don't. I couldn't and if I… tell you some things then…" he ran a hand through his hair, "It's just too risky."

"Nick, we've always been a risk. You… you don't trust my feelings for you… do you?" she accused.

"What?" he shook his head, "No… no, it's not like that."

"Then why?" she repeated.

He was silent for a few moments, "Do you remember the wedding? Julia and AJ's?"

She nodded.

"That's the first time I asked you to marry me," he stated softly, "And… and you said yes."

Sadie looked at him, "Yeah, I did."

"And…" he bit his lip, "you told me you wanted to have babies… lots of them."

"I-I do," she assured him.

"No…" he sighed.

"Yes!" she fought back, "Why don't you believe me?"

"Because… you've never talked about it since," he told her, "We talked about it that one time and I got all excited. And now… three years later, I decided to bring it up again and you… you… don't want to anymore."

"Nick, it's just not the right time," she answered, rubbing her face with her hands. Maybe she could explain it to him if she herself knew the answer to his question.

"And even then you asked why I always started conversations and then never finished. Why I wouldn't talk about things…" he sat down on the nearby bed, "I told you that I was afraid that I'd scare you away. That I'd shock you. And you said I could tell you anything."

"You can!" she exclaimed, walking over to him and kneeling in front of him.

"No, I can't. You'll… God… Sadie, you've met my family. You KNOW how fucked they are… How fucked I am." He shivered a little, looking at her, "I can't… tell you the things that went on. You don't know half of what my family has done… has… been through. My poor baby sisters and brother… I just…"

"How can you expect me to… marry you and be with you forever, when you won't let me in?" she asked him.

"I would. But you won't let me in," he whispered, "I know it's really me who's blocking you, but think like me for a second."

She just looked at him, waiting.

"I… Sadie, what do you think I need from you? Over anything else, what do I want from you?" He needed to know what she thought.

"Love… security…" she answered softly.

Nick nodded rapidly, "Yes… yes… Now think like me…" He hated to say that. It made him sound dumb, but it probably got the point across. He shook his head, "How can I let you into… my… past and… secrets if I don't know you're forever?"

Sadie just sighed, getting it. "So my word isn't enough?" she whispered.

He looked away, "I…" He stopped not knowing what to say. He wanted to say he was sorry, but how could he be sorry about the way he felt? About the way his mind worked.

She reached her hand up and turned his face to look at her, "Now see it my way…"

He nodded, staring at her.

"How can I say I'm forever when I don't feel like I really know you?" she asked softly, knowing that would sting him as much as it stung her to say.

His brow scrunched, "Know me?"

"I know you, but… I don't… I can't… there's still too much I don't know," she answered, "About your past. I want to know it all, Nick, and I want you to trust me enough to tell me!"

He stared at her, angered. He spoke lowly, "You want to know, Sadie? You really wanna know?"

"Goddamn it, Nick! Yes! I want to know! If I didn't… I wouldn't be here!" she exclaimed.

Nick stood up and towered over her, "NO! YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW MY SHIT, SADIE!"

"Nick! Please! Stop pushing me away!" she screamed.

"You DON'T wanna know!" he threw his hands out.

"I need to know, NICK!" Sadie insisted.

"NO!" Nick took a deep breath, "You don't wanna know about how my mom used to forbid me to eat! You don't wanna know about how my dad used to beat the shit outta me when he came home drunk!"

"Nick…" she said getting scared, "Calm down… and talk…" She was pleading, trying to get him to control his emotions.

"You don't wanna know about how I hid my brother and sisters from everything! How I sat with them in their rooms and held them when they cried, begging me to tell them what was going on!" his face was beat red, "You don't wanna know about how my mom slapped me across the face the first time when I was ten because I cracked on my audition piece! Even when I got called back, she was pissed cuz I didn't get the fucking lead!"

Sadie just looked on shocked, not knowing what to say.

"You don't wanna know about how I begged her to stop… to stop tormenting me! And how she told me to suck it up cuz I deserved it! How I owed EVERYTHING TO HER! HOW I SHOULD BE THANKFUL SHE PUT UP WITH MY SHIT FOR SO LONG!" he screamed, almost reliving everything.

Sadie sat there watching him. He needed this. For so many years… He was finally getting what he really needed.

He stopped and started crying , "You don't wanna know about how… he told me that I wasn't the son he wanted… how he was thankful that they had Aaron now. How… PROUD he was going to be of Aaron… And how she told me that I would never be happy… that I needed money so I could be happy, cuz no one would want me for just me. Not with my attitude, my personality, my body…"

"Nick…" she stated softly, standing. So SHE put that in his head. She stepped towards him, but was afraid to get to close.

Nick stared at her, but not really seeing her, "You don't wanna know… You don't wanna know about it… My… My… I was seventeen. Seventeen and I was done. I was dead… You don't wanna know about it…"

Sadie's heart dropped. "What?" she asked, fearing the worst.

His lip trembled, "Aaron… he was only nine. He's the only one who knows… and he doesn't understand. He found me… his older brother and he found me… No one else… No one… I didn't know what to do… I didn't wanna hurt anymore… I didn't want to be alive… it was too hard."

Tears filled Sadie's eyes. Please, he wasn't saying what he was saying. He couldn't be. She took another step towards him.

Nick slowly held out his wrists. "They're almost gone… Almost… I didn't want anyone to know… The doctors did it… They're almost gone… They'll be gone someday," he promised himself, "It'll go away…"

Sadie grasped his wrists. Three years, how could she not have noticed? She had seen them, but they looked as if they could have been from anything. "Oh God, Nicky," Sadie whispered as the tears finally fell from her eyes. She looked up at him.

He finally looked at her, "It was too hard. I didn't wanna… I just had to…" He seemed to suddenly snap back into reality. His eyes went wide and he whipped his arms back, scampering backward. His hand slammed over his mouth as the tears fell down his cheeks.

"No, Nick, don't. Please," she begged, stepping towards him, "Let… let me see."

Nick shook his head, "No… God, no…"

"Nick, I love you," she reminded him.

He sobbed, "Please… Sadie…"

She reached her hand out and took his wrist in her hand, trying to look.

He snapped it back, "No, don't!"

"Nick, I'm not going to hurt you… ever," she pleaded, "Help me understand."

"I can't!" he responded, "Please… I can't!" He looked afraid as she reached again, "No… God… please, Sadie…"

She stopped reaching for his arms and gently caressed his cheek. Suddenly, she felt so guilty, like she'd made him relive all that.

Nick whimpered and stared at her with a childlike expression, "I didn't mean to say anything…"

"Are you mad that you did?" she asked, testing.

"No…" he shook his head as he started crying again.

She gently wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a hug.

Nick fell into her arms, sobbing uncontrollably. His whole body shook, "I hate them! I HATE them! I hate HER! I hate HIM!"

Sadie sat them down on the floor and held his head to her chest, rocking him gently, "Shhh, I know, Baby, I know. It'll all be okay now." And it would be… eventually.

"I'm scared," he confessed, "Sadie, I'm so scared… I don't wanna be like this anymore… I don't wanna scare you away…"

"Nicky, look at me," she stated, pulling his head away and gazing into his eyes.

Nick gave a little cry as she pulled away and kept a strong hold on her waist as he looked at her.

"Do I look scared?" she whispered.

"You don't know everything… You don't know half…" he dropped his head, "You don't wanna know…"

She lifted his head, locking eyes with him, "I am not going anywhere. Come hell or high water, I'm by your side."

"I hate them… I hate them so much it hurts! And it hurts me worse to know that I hate my parents than it hurts that they could do that to me!" he cried.

She didn't know what to say to help him through this. She just sat there and let him cry.

"How could they?" he asked quietly, "How could they do this? I'm their son."

"I don't know, Nick… I don't know," she sighed, running her hands through his hair gently, trying to comfort him.

"You know what's worst about this situation?" he asked, staring up at Sadie.

"What's that, Baby?" she asked out of habit. "Nick," she corrected.

He cuddled closer to her, "I like when you call me Baby…"

She just smiled lightly. "What’s the worst part, Baby?" she asked again, trying to help him get as much out as he would let.

He looked away, "As much as I hate them… I still love them. I'd still do anything for them." He sniffled.

She wiped the tears from his eyes. "I know because that's you. You don't turn your back on people. You look for the best in them," she reminded him.

"There's nothing good in them," he spat bitterly, "If it wasn't for my siblings… I don't know… if I'd keep in contact."

She touched his nose, "That's the good in them. They gave you your siblings and brought you into the world. I don't know where I'd be without you."

His lip trembled, "Thank you. I… never told anyone, Sadie. Ever."

"Well, thank you," she answered.

Nick remained silent as he shot her a confused look.

"For trusting me," she answered his look softly.

He glanced at her shirt, not wanting to meet her eyes. "Sadie?"

"Yes, Nicky?" she answered, watching him.

Taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, he slowly held out his wrists. He knew she'd been trying to see them.

Sadie sighed, shaking her head and looking at the faint scars. She took his wrist and gently placed her lips on the scar before doing the same to the other one.

He pulled them back protectively.

"It's okay, Nick," she promised him.

"They're hard to noticed," he told her, trying to convince himself of his statement at the same time, "Aren't they?"

"I've been with you for three years, I never noticed," Sadie answered softly.

He nodded. Leaning in, he softly and hesitantly placed a kiss on her lips.

Sadie kissed him back lightly, trying to reassure him, but not make him think they could get back together just because he'd told her.

Nick pulled back, reading her reaction. "I… didn't mean that in the way that… you know… I just… yeah, never mind." Now that he'd calmed down some, the realization of everything he'd told her set in.

"I know," she smiled and kissed his forehead.

He smiled lightly, "Okay." He shook his head. This was an actual break up. It had started out as a trial period, but he soon realized that this had turned into a full-blown break up. They really weren't together.

"Are you okay? I mean, now, are you okay now? You don't ever wish… you would… have… when you were seventeen?" she asked softly.

He knew enough to be truthful, "I did for a long time. I wished Aaron hadn't walked it. He still doesn't really know what he saw. Just that his big bro was in a lot of pain and that he called someone on the phone."

"And your ‘parents’ don't know?" She bit her tongue calling those people his parents.

"Nope… my mom never took notice… and my dad," he laughed, "He never cared enough to find out."

"Well, I'm glad Aaron walked in," Sadie said, "I don't know how much that means now but…" She shrugged.

"Now you know why he's the only one who seems to… know me."

Sadie sighed softly. She wanted to know him. "Do you have a show tonight?" she asked.

"No… We're moving to the next city today… Another exciting day on the bus… woo hoo…" he rolled his eyes.

"Oh, well… wanna get a movie for the drive then?" she asked, thinking back to the night before and their argument.

Nick looked up at her. His eyes lightened as he smiled, "Yeah… that sounds good."