Chapter Eleven

Julia saw Nick approaching her and the smile fell from her face. "You okay?" she asked automatically.

He shook his head. "Upset as hell, is the phrase I'd use right now. Julia, my mom," he snickered, "use to tell me that there's a fine line between love and hate. Is that right?"

“Love and hate are two equal and opposite emotions," Julia answered matter-of-factly.

"But can one turn into another? If something triggers it?" he picked.

"What happened, Nick?" Julia inquired.

"Answer the question, Jules…" he pleaded, "Please… answer my question."

"You have to love something to hate it. So, yes, in my opinion, one can ‘change’ into the other. But… the first will never go away," she answered, "Now answer my question.”

"We got into a fight," he glanced at his bus before sitting on a nearby bench, "as always… Nothing new, right?"

She sat next to him. "About what?" she pried gently.

He started babbling, "We made love, she said I love you, started crying… I asked what was wrong, she asked if we'd be okay, I said I hope so, she said she couldn't lose us, I said not everything ends up perfect, she asked why not, I told her I couldn't deal and wanted to lay down… She told me I always ran and then accused me of… cheating on her… with you and I said fuck you and told her I hated her," he gasped for breath and looked up at her, "And what scares me… is that I meant it."

Julia's jaw was practically on the ground. "Wow," was her only reaction.

He nodded, "Yeah… and that's leaving out the details."

"How… did… all this… start?" Julia asked choosing her words carefully, "And I don't mean just today."

"I can't tell you."

"Okay… um…" she thought. She didn't know what to say.

He sighed, "You just wouldn't understand. You didn't before, you won't now, and I don't want to fight with you too."

"Nick, I'm not the same person I was three years ago. Give me some credit," she shrugged.

"I don't just mean back then," he picked at the bench, "Now too. But I guess you didn't even know way back either."

"Does this have to do with the… marriage thing?" she asked softly.

His inhaled a shaky breath, "Yes."

"Explain it to me. I want to understand," she placed a hand on his arm.

"Not even Sadie can understand and she's supposed to be in love with me. Why do you think you'll know how I'm feeling?" He didn't mean that sarcastically. He truly wanted to know why it would help.

"I'm on the outside," Julia answered.

"You really wanna know?" he asked.

She just nodded and turned and faced Nick.

"All my life, I've wanted to be happy. That's all I ever wanted and I never thought it was too much to ask for. My mom told me that… if I had money, it wasn't possible to not be happy. So… That's what I did. I got money and I gave most of it to my family. That made me happy. Providing for MY family made me happy. For a while. Then something was missing and I started dating. I saw my girlfriend, Mandy, whenever I could. But that wasn't good enough for her. I wanted her to love me. I wanted to be in love. Finally, THAT bull shit ended and I found you…" he smiled at her.

She placed her hand on his knee as a friendly gesture and smiled softly at the memory, "Go on…"

"You were my everything… I was so complete with you. I felt like I had found my meaning in life, but something was so wrong. Something was missing and it hurt my heart. I decided to move forward and pop the question on you. You always said no and I told myself, ‘Okay, it's not the right time.’ Sadie moved in and that whole thing happened. I fell in love with her and she fell for me too, I guess. I felt better after that, like everything was getting on track again. But now… Julia… She's killing me. I try to hold back… Tell myself not to put her through this, but I can't! I need her and I need her in that way."

Julia felt her eyes well up as her friend continued.

"I've watched my family fall apart since I was a baby! My parents don't love each other… No fucking way! But they used to… I'm pretty sure they used to. And don't want that to happen to us. And it IS, Jules! It is and we both know it! We HATE each other! We love each other, but hate each other in the exact same way… Our relationship runs hot and cold! I just want a family! An actual family that I NEVER had!" Nick hadn't even noticed the tears running down his cheeks.

Julia felt her own tears filling her eyes and opened her arms to him. "Oh Nicky…" she sighed.

He fell into her arms, not taking any notice of the stares from the other people traveling with them. AJ, his other brothers and their wives were included.

Julia wrapped him in a comforting hug. AJ looked at her. She just shook her head focused on Nick, letting him decide when to pull away.

Nick's choked voice whispered, "Do you understand at all now?"

"Yeah, I think I do," Julia replied.

"Is it wrong of me to… think like that?" he asked, afraid of her answer.

"You can't help what your heart wants. What you feel you need," Julia responded, "No, it's not wrong of you."

His voice cracked. "What the hell do I do?" he whimpered.

Julia thought for a moment. "I… I wish I had an answer…" she started, "You love Sadie, but you hate her, but you need her, right?"

He pulled away and stared at her, "Yes." Then he noticed all the eyes. He blushed and slouched down.

"Let's go on the bus," she said standing and holding her hand out to him.

His eyes went bright, "No! I can't. Sadie's on the other bus. What if they all leave and she's on there alone? I can't do that… She'll be scared shitless!"

"Wanna go sit and talk on your bus?" she offered softly.

He calmed himself, embarrassed from his outburst. He nodded, "Sure… but be quiet. Sadie will probably be asleep."

She nodded with a slight smile. "I'm gonna go tell AJ. You head on and I'll be right there," Julia said softly.

"Okay…" he sighed, wiping his eyes, "Meet you there." He walked away.

Julia sighed, shaking her head as she walked over to AJ, "Come here, Babes." She held her hand out.

Alex took it, "What's up with Nick? He looked real upset…"

Julia pulled him into a hug, "I am so glad I have you and Aurora. You know that?"

"Yeah, I know that," he stated, rocking her gently, "I love you guys too… What's this about?"

Julia sighed momentarily, debating whether or not to say anything. She wouldn’t want to end up talking about Nick all the time again, "Nick and Sadie… they're falling apart. And it's killing him. I was going to ride with him for awhile so we could talk, unless… you don't want me to." Julia pulled back and leaned her forehead against his, locking eyes with him.

AJ sighed, "Of course you can, Sweetie… I don't mind. Just… don't take… TOO long. Okay? And tell him that if he needs to talk, I'm here too."

"You sure you can handle Rory?" Julia joked.

"I can manage," he kissed her, "Go."

"I love you," she replied.

"You too," he whispered, then gave her a slight shove with a smile, "Now, go take care of my boy!"

She smiled and walked towards Nick's bus. Stepping on quietly, she whispered for Nick.

Nick had been staring out the window, watching the two lovers interact. He and Sadie weren't like that anymore. "Here," he spoke up, "I shut the door to the bedroom, so she won't be able to hear us."

Julia nodded and stood next to him, "What are we looking at?"

He turned around to face her. "We were looking at you and your husband," he smirked.

"Oh…" she smiled, "Why?"

"Why not?" he answered, "I'm glad you're happy, Jules…"

She just smiled. "Did you know AJ thought you and I were… that I was cheating on him with you?" she asked curiously.

"Yep… he told me in our ‘man to man’ talk…" he sighed, "Sadie thought the same of course, and I guess I can't blame her. But still… They know us. We're not gonna repeat the past. Yes, there's history between us. But it's just history… right?"

"Just history," she smiled. "So what are you going to do about Sadie?" Julia asked as she sat down.

"Same as always, I suppose." He felt the bus moving, "After a while… I'll crawl into bed, hold her, she'll wake up, we'll say our ‘sorry’s, probably cry," he rolled his eyes, "and then act like it didn't happen until we bring it up during our next fight."

"There's your problem. You never resolve anything," Julia offered.

"We can't… We end up fighting more. There's no resolution that makes us both happy."

"Nick, being in a relationship means making compromises. And I know you… You're as stubborn as a mule. Are you open to making a compromise?" Julia asked softly as she twirled her hair in her fingers, a habit she had when she was deep in thought.

He looked at her, "Yes, I am. But it depends on what it is. And… Julia… I've waited and I've waited. I'm trying to wait for her… I don't want her to say yes if she doesn't really want to."

"All you can do is wait," Julia said.

Nick stood up and walked to the mini bar. He needed a drink, "I'm through waiting. I love her… you know that. But to me, until it's official to me… in my heart… then all this is… is a trial run. Another dating process to see if she's who I really want to be with for the rest of my life. She is. Maybe I'm not to her. I can't wait around."

"So what are you going to do?" Julia asked.

"Maybe…" his heart broke as he finally came to grips. His eyes welled up, "Oh God… I can't believe I'm saying this.”

"What are you saying?" Julia pried softly.

"Maybe we need a break," he whispered.

"Maybe you do," she agreed. "Maybe you don't," she disagreed with her next breath.

"Stop confusing me," he begged, bringing a shaky arm up to sip his drink.

"Maybe you both need some space, you've been together non stop for three years," Julia said, "Maybe you don't need a break. What would you do with yourself?" She stood, pouring herself a drink.

"Think about her," he confessed, "If I go a day without her and I don't get to see her face, my heart aches."

"So… what would a break accomplish?" Julia asked.

"Everything being together would," Nick spat. His emotions started to get the best of him. He fought what he was about to say.

"What?" she asked. He'd totally lost her.

His eyes looked past her, "We're not gonna make it, are we, Jules?"

"If you keep thinking like that you won't," Julia answered softly. She was trying here and he wasn't helping. She sipped her drink and went back to sit.

He shot daggers at her as he slammed down his drink, hearing it break. "HOW THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA LAST IF WE CAN'T EVEN LAST THREE GODDAMN FUCKING YEARS?!" he screamed, picking up his broken glass and throwing it into the wall across from him.

Julia just sat there through his outburst, waiting as he fumed. "Finished?"

He ran a hand through his hair, "Yes." He walked over and started picking up pieces of glass from the floor.

Sadie stirred, hearing the people talking and wondered what was going on. Then she heard Nick shout and glass breaking. She felt tears hitting her eyes.

She slowly stood, and walked to the door. Opening it, she took in the scene in front of her. Nick was on the floor picking up broken glass and Julia sat there, watching. She cleared her throat.

Nick gasped, but didn't look up. He knew it was Sadie. He continued his task. "Sorry, I woke you up, Baby…" he whispered.

Sadie nodded. "It's all right," she stated, "Hi Julia."

"Hi Sadie," Julia answered, watching this unfold.

Nick didn't know what to do so he stayed silent. He walked to the trashcan to throw some away. "Shit!" he hissed as he closed his hand around glass.

Julia looked up, but it was Sadie that was at his side.

"You okay?" Sadie asked.

He opened his hand, seeing that it was bleeding. The cut was pretty deep and the glass stuck straight up from it, "Yeah…"

"Liar… Come to the bathroom with me," Sadie ordered.

He looked up at her, but glanced away just as quick. "Okay," he replied softly.

Julia rolled her eyes and watched as they walked into the bathroom. She smiled and propped a cot up against the door, locking them in. Then… she went back to her drink.

***

Nick's face contorted with pain as Sadie pried his hand open, "Fuck… ow…"

Sadie glanced at him and turned the water on, placing his hand under it. This was for two things, to numb it a little with the cold and to clean the blood so she could see it better.

He sighed as he felt the sting of the water hit his wound. He felt retarded. He couldn't even pick up a fucking piece of glass.

Sadie pulled the tweezers from her make up bag and firmly grasped the piece of glass. "This'll hurt," she warned.

Nick nodded and bit his lip, closing his eyes.

She pulled it out as firmly, gently, and quickly as she could, watching his face.

"Ow!" he seethed. When he knew it was over, he grasped his hand and pulled it to his chest.

"Let me clean it," she ordered, her hand still on his wrist.

He pouted at her. Usually he had a high tolerance for pain, but he wasn't used to being cut open! He shook his head, "I'm fine."

"Nickolas, it'll get infected and you'll lose your whole hand if I don't clean it," she stated.

"You're exaggerating," he gasped as a jolt of pain ran up his arm, "I'm fine."

"Let me wash it for my own peace of mind then," she reasoned, "I like your hands…"

Nick's lips twitched in a slight grin, but his eyebrows scrunched again. "No, it'll hurt."

"Just repeat over and over… ‘It kills the germs, it kills the germs…’" Sadie responded softly as she tried to move his hand again.

"Stop," he protested, pulling it away. His lips puckered in pain as he accidentally hit it against the sink.

"Stop being such a baby!" she scolded with a soft smile.

"I'm not being a baby! It hurts!" he exclaimed, "You cut your palm open and see how good it feels!"

"Let me wash it and it'll feel better," she promised.

"No, it'll hurt more."

"Fine, suffer," she turned trying the door. It wouldn't open. "Nick, I can't get the door open," she stated, pushing against it.

Nick sighed and used his good hand to turn the handle. He tried to push it open, but it wouldn't give. He rolled his eyes, "Shit… The handle’s turning… so it's not locked. Something’s in front of it. Someone put something in front of the door. Julia…"

Sadie groaned and sat on the toilet seat.

He sat against the door and examined his hand, "Do you think this'll get infected?"

"If you don’t get the germs off it, it will," Sadie told him honestly.

He sighed. "Do you promise to not use that stingy stuff?" he asked with a slight pout. He was referring to rubbing alcohol.

"I should use it," she stated.

He huffed and tucked his hand under his leg.

She just rolled her eyes.

Not looking up, Nick slowing reached his arm out for her to see. His hand unwillingly peeled open.

Sadie smiled, "Come to the sink." She stood, pulling him with her by his wrist. The bus hit a speed bump causing them to fall into the shower door. Her back was to him, his front pressed close to her, and his hand still in hers.

Nick gasped and took a step back. Her butt had been nice and snuggled into his crotch there for a moment. What they did NOT need now, was a horny Nick. "Sorry," he mumbled as she turned to face him.

He smelled good. Sadie sighed, "Yeah." Turning on lukewarm water and taking his hand, she put it under the faucet.

His hand twitched at first, trying to pull away, but he forced himself to stay there. This was Sadie. She was going to make it stop hurting. She always did.

Sadie let his hand fall from the running water as she lathered up her own hands with the soap on the sink. Taking it again, she gently cleaned the wound while looking into his eyes the entire time.

It hurt a little, but Nick focused on Sadie's eyes. They were searching his for any discomfort. "I love you," he whispered, not being able to take it anymore, "so much, Sadie."

She smiled softly, "I know and I love you too… all the time." Her gaze shifted down to his cut as she moved their hands back under the water to rinse the soap.

Nick hissed as the soap was forced into cleaning his wound more thoroughly as it hit the water. "Ow… Damn it…" he protested, "Okay… Stop now…"

Sadie chuckled, "I'm almost done." She finished and she turned to grabbed a towel. "Did you survive?" she asked softly.

He looked at her, "You done?"

"No," she said, pulling out the rubbing alcohol.

Nick's eyes grew wide. He hated that stuff every since he was a kid. It hurt like a bitch, "Sadie…"

"Nicky…" she returned as she dried his hand and dabbed some alcohol on the dry end of the towel, "Ready?"

"No," he stated.

She titled her head at him, "You survived the soap didn't you?"

"This hurts more!" he spat, "I hate that stuff! I HATE it!" He rolled his eyes as he felt his foot start to shake. Damn, he was acting like such a kid.

"I know, Baby. I'll give you a lollipop if you let me clean it…" she offered with a raised eyebrow.

Nick looked insulted, but it got the point across. "Do it already, Goddamn it."

She smirked triumphantly and dabbed the cut with the alcohol…

"Fuck!" he yelled. He knew she was keeping his hand there. He struggled to keep himself from pulling away.

She smiled and shook her head. He really was a big kid sometimes. When she felt it was clean enough, she lifted his hand towards her lips and blew softly across the cut, drying the alcohol and killing the pain.

Nick breathed in relief as she stopped. That had hurt so much. He whimpered as she blew across it, partly from pain and partly from how sweet it was. His eyes fluttered a bit and he was still pouting as she finished, his bottom lip hanging out.

She kissed each of his fingertips. "You still breathing?" she whispered, his hand still near her lips, her eyes locked with his.

He nodded, "Kinda…"

"Kinda?" she asked.

"I was until you… you… blew on it," he blushed.

She smiled. "Look at how little that cut is," she stated simply.

Nick shrugged, "Yeah… It hurt."

She pulled out the Neosporin and a Band-Aid. "Look, they have Scooby-Doo on them," she teased as she put the Neosporin on the cut. She wrapped it, pressing gently on the wound, her fingers dancing on the palm of his hand.

He cringed, "Ow."

She lifted it and kissed over the Band-Aid, "Better?"

He nodded again.

"Good…" she stated, standing there and looking at him. After a few silent moments, she whispered, "I'm sorry, Nick… for everything."

Nick looked at her funny, "What's everything?"

"Not being everything you want, not… understanding," she answered.

"Understanding?" he blinked, "Everything I want? Sadie, Baby…"

She looked up at him, not knowing what to expect.

"You are everything I want," he took her face in his hands, "You're my everything. Why do you think I want to… Why do you think I want what I want so bad? Why do you think I'm fighting for it? Because I want you… Because I want it all with you…"

"Then… why…" she stalled. She'd actually awakened from her nap before Nick had yelled. "Why do you want a break?" she asked him softly, looking to the floor.

Nick gasped, "You… heard that?"

She nodded, "If that's what you want, I'll bus with… the dancers or something… or… I'll go home…"

"No," he whispered, "You're not going anywhere… If we do take a break… then it'll be as a couple. We'll take a break from being together, not from being with each other. And I really don't want to resort to that, but Baby… I don't know what to do."

"I don't know what to do either. What happened to us?" she asked softly, "When… when did it start falling apart?"

"I don't know anymore," he lifted her head, "Sadie?"

"Yeah?" she asked softly.

"Sadie, I think…" he stopped to compose himself, "I think… we should take a break."

Tears reached her eyes, but she nodded. "Maybe we should… I don't… I… I don't… No! How will that help?" she asked desperately.

Nick couldn't take her pained look as he closed his eyes, "Maybe it'll help us set our… priorities… straight. Find out what we really want… what we really need."

Sadie felt like her heart had been pulled from her chest, "All I… want… all I… need… is… is… is you. Why don't you get that?"

Nick knew he was about to cry, "I do and I know that. That's what I want too… but I guess we don't feel it in the same way. That's what I… we… have to figure out before this goes any further or… before it… stops."

Sadie sighed, "The last thing I want is for this to end."

"At least we're in agreement there."

"What if you meet someone else?" she stated. "And… and then you don't want me anymore? What am I supposed to do then?"

His eyes snapped open, "No… No, no, no… If we do this, we have to promise to NOT see other people. Sadie, I wouldn't see anyone else even if we didn't, but God… I'm sorry if this sounds selfish, but if I saw you with anyone else… I'd die. I'd just die and I'm not kidding, Sadie…" He started having second thoughts on this. What if she did find someone else?

"That's twice we agreed in the last five minutes, we're on a roll," she whispered with a smirk. She looked up at him. "Okay, if you think this will help us in the… future, then… let’s…" she nearly choked on the last words, "let's… take a break…"

Nick's body tightened as he heard it out loud, "This is going to be so hard."

Sadie sighed and closed her eyes. She put her hands on the back of his neck and pulled him down… kissing him, tasting him, feeling him. God, she loved him.

***

Meanwhile, the bus pulled off and to a rest stop, Julia woke and sighed. She moved the cot and went back to her and AJ's bus. If Sadie and Nick hadn't worked it out yet, it would never be fixed.

***

Nick pulled away and stepped back, "You know where this'll lead if we continue."

She sighed and nodded. "Should we try the door again?" she asked softly, embarrassedly looking to the floor. She needed it. She needed to feel that close to him… one more time.

Nick grabbed her wrist and pulled her to him again. His lips trapped hers roughly, begging to be let in. His tongue danced over hers, wanting to remember this. It scared him to think of how long they could be on this ‘break’.

She moaned as tears filled her eyes, she didn't want to do this. She didn't want this break. But he was right, looking at the big picture… their future. It would be good for them. Reluctantly, she broke the kiss, but left her forehead pressed to his. "I'm scared," she admitted.

"Me too," he confessed, "How long will this go on?"

"Hopefully, not long. You tell me. It was your crazy idea," she whispered.

His eyes filled with tears, "I'm sorry… I'm sorry if this hurts you that much…"

"This hurts me as much as it's hurting you," she said as she locked eyes with him, her voice gaining some strength.

Nick understood and it calmed him slightly, "We should… have a set time. So neither one of us rushes back into it. Ya know?"

Sadie sighed, "Till we go home… I mean, that should be our set time. Three months?"

Wow… Three months had seemed a lot shorter when he'd been telling that to Aaron. Now, it seemed like forever. "Okay," he replied softly, "Till the end of the tour then. What're our limits?"

She smirked, "We're friends…? No… kissing or touching… or… sex." Damn, three months with no sex? Could she handle it?

“None?” he pouted.

"I'd say a little, but is there ever a little with us?" she chuckled.

Nick smiled softly, "You're right." He face became serious, "No seeing other people."

"Even if I could, I couldn't," she stated, knowing it made no sense, but it did to her.

"Me too," Nick stated, "Sleeping?"

She shrugged. "I haven't slept alone… in… a long time," she answered, "But could we sleep in the same bed and not do anything?"

"No," he shook his head. At least he was being truthful, "I'd wanna… You know…"

"I know…" she smiled, a slight blush on her cheeks, "So I'll sleep in the guest bunks. It is your bed."

"No," he smiled, "You take the bed. I'm used to the bunks."

She shrugged, not in the mood to argue with him, "Maybe we should try the door again?"

"Yeah." He turned the handle and it pushed open very easily.

Sadie laughed out loud.

"Julia…" he chucked.

"Do you have a show tonight?" she asked him.

"No…" he told her, "Not till tomorrow."

"Oh…" she said, "So… now what?"

"When should we start?" he whispered. He was suddenly afraid of this happening.

She stepped up to him and kissed him hard on the mouth, moaning.

Nick wrapped an arm around her back, pressing her as close as possible. His free hand tangled in her hair. Feeling her try to pull away, he held her tighter, letting her know that this would end when he damn well felt it should.

Her hands went to the back of his neck and into his hair. They fell down his back and grabbed his butt, before scratching back up to his head. She tried, but couldn't hold in the moan that was aching to get out. So she let it, again.

He gasped into the kiss, feeling her hands roam his body and he shuddered. He let out a long groan as she squeezed his ass. Holding her tightly, he lightly ground himself into her body. He knew they had to stop. He knew he had to stop, but it was so hard.

She lifted a leg and wrapped it around his waist. She couldn't help herself. He was teasing her and it wasn't fair. "Nick…" she moaned.

"Hmm?" he got out, kissing her neck and now holding her leg.

She wanted to tell him to stop. It was on the tip of her tongue, but instead… "Oh God… don't stop…" came out. She groaned in frustration.

Nick continued, but made his way to her ear. Licking it gently he whispered, "Do you want to do this, Sadie? Or should I stop? Please tell me, cuz I don't know…"

She felt herself shudder, “I… I don't know…”

"Tell me…?"

"God, Nick… don't… don't stop…" she purred in his ear.

"Oh thank you…" he sighed as he kissed her again.

The two made love right there, standing up outside the bathroom of Nick's tour bus. At least they wouldn’t forget…

"Do we start now?" Nick asked, sitting on the ground with the naked Sadie in his lap.

"I guess we should…" she answered quietly.

"Can we still say ‘I love you’?" he asked quietly.

"I don't think I could go a day without saying it…" Sadie answered timidly.

"I love you," he whispered.

She took a deep breath as she heard him say it, "I love you more that life itself." She took his face in her hands, kissing his forehead.

"Ditto," he leaned in to kiss her lips, but stopped mid way. "Three months," he repeated, "I'm gonna go to bed, Sadie." It didn't seem right to call her Baby.

She got off his lap and threw her long T-shirt back on, nodding. "Okay…" she answered as she continued to pick up the discarded clothes.

He put some boxers on, "I'm right here if… you need me. Okay?"

She nodded, "Okay, but I think I'm going to bed too." Her back was still towards him. She didn’t want him to see the tears in her eyes.

"Sadie, look at me," he pleaded, "I need you to."

She stopped and stood there, her back still towards him. After a silent moment, she turned, the tears still in her eyes. "Yeah?" she asked.

He held his arms open and his face turned slightly red, "Friends hug, don't they?"

She dropped the clothes on the table and walked over to him, the tears rolling down her cheeks as she did. She wrapped her arms around his middle and held on as tight as she could, crying.

"Baby…" his lip trembled, "It's gonna be okay… This is for the best. I love you so much and that's why this has to happen. I believe we're gonna make it through this… don't you?"

"Of course we will. It just hurts that we have to," she cried.

"I know."