PIRATES _Scene- Girl talking about last season_ -Girl- Oh my God did you hear about 2gether? 1st their record label totally dissed them. -Doug- Holy crap. -Girl- And then this creepy band 4ever moved into their house. Meanwhile QT was off helping sick children feel better about themselves. While the rest of 2gether drove cross country in this van, and had this underground concert on a roof which is really weird if you think about it. And they totally ruled. Tom Brokoff said it was like a million man march but whiter and with more chicks. The Jerks at Wutev freaked and sent in the riot police. -Doug- Holy Crap! -Girl- So then they did the awesomeness thing ever, they totally jumped off the mother freaken roof! Then I got the greatest honor ever, I saved 2gether’s life! Thats me in the pink! I think one of the guys caught a feel. I hope it was Chad. Then they ditched the cops. I cant feel my legs but its worth it because I’ve helped 2gether and their my favorite boy band this week. _In the Van_ -Chad- We made it! -Mickey- Yea... stupid pigs will never catch up with us! Now lets go steal a colored TV! -Jerry- We’re not going to go steal a colored TV! This is crazy what are we doing? -Doug- We’re being bad asses just like we were on the roof! Our fans luved us up there and you know why? -Chad- Because we looked really tall? -Doug- Because we were outlaws! -Jerry- Yea we were. We were like desperados! -Mickey- We were perves! -Jerry- Lets give our fans what they want, lets stay on the lamb! -Mickey- We’re out of the ass stricken label! -Jerry- Yea, yea we dont need them we can live without the damn hype and the damn packaging and we can live without the damn house! -Chad- I can live without the course language. -Jerry- From now on we’re taking our music straight to the people. -All- Yea!! Yea!! Amen! -Doug- We’re going underground! -Chad- We’re gunna be pirates! -All- Yeeeaa!!! -Chad- So what do we do now? -Jerry- The 1st thing we do is to floor it! -Doug- Well technically the 1st thing to do is start the ignition! _Opening sequence to the Music of “2gether”_ _Scene- In Van talking on a live radio net_ -Jerry- You’re tuned into 2gether net underground web cast! -Chad- Going at you from somewhere secret U.S.A playing all the best 2gether songs. -Chad and Jerry- 2222gggeeettthhhheeerrrr -Chad- Net! -Jerry- Hey kids 2gether’s 1st underground concert is tomorrow!!!! -Chad- Orrow.. Orrow ..Orrow! -Jerry- Alright Our next request comes to us by email from 2getherslut587@hotmail.com. We’re taking you way way back to the summer of 2000 with another 2gether oldie. -Chad- This one’s going out to QT! -Jerry- Hey wherever you are out there man come join your fellow pirates we need you! -Doug- Man it feels great to be away from Wutev records. We’re not corporate puppets anymore! We can finally express ourselves! -Mickey- Like this! (Does an armpit thing) -All- ~Laugh~ -Chad- Self expression! ~Wutev watches over the net~ -Tom- They’re good! -Liz- We used the same formula right? Boring one, tired one, fat one, dumb one, poser? So why was 2gether so great and 4ever sucked? -Tom- The eggheads have determined that 2gether had a unique ex-factor. -Liz- People, We need 2gether back on our label, Find that boyband... NOW!!!! -Tom- Should we use our secret weapon? -Liz- Ohhh not until we have to. _In The Van_ ~From the speaker- 2gether, 2gether, 2gether, 2gether, 2gether, 2gether.... -Jerry (on speaker)- Hey kids looking for a good time? Do not fear us, we will not touch you we only want to make love to your ears. -Doug (in van)- Alright its show time guys! -Mickey- You these kids are going to plizzat over this outfit Dogg! -Chad- Lets do it Pirate style! -All- Alllrriigghhhtt! -Jerry- Hey kids we’re 2gether! ~Music- “Right where it counts”~ -Mickey- Yo I’m stuck! (Jerry puts Mic up to his mouth for him) We’re alone in the room playing hixen and doom, and now your telling me goodbye. (goodbye?) -Jerry- SO you want us to part, that puts a knife in my heart, and a tear wailing up in my eye (one little tear uh). -All- I want you to know that you hit me too low and that I can barely breath! If I told you that I’m bleeding inside would you let me get off my knees. -~Sound- Honk Honk!~ -Doug- Car! That really hurts! -All- Right where it counts, (mickey- thats where yah hit me) right where it counts, right where it counts stop kicking me please, right where it count, right where it counts! Right where it counts.. ow... -Doug- Holy crap that kids weird!!! He’s a cop!! Hes a cop!! Get in the car, get in the car hurry hes a cop!!! Pig!!!!!!! -Drives away fast- _At wutev..._ -Liz- Come on people how hard can it be to find? Its a white panel van with 3 teen heartthrobs and Doug. -Tom- Now can we use our secret weapon? -Liz- ~Nods yea~ ~Opens locked doors and QT appears in a chair!!!!!!!~ -QT- Hey gorgeous! -Tom- Right back at yah. -Liz- You know the drill QT your video email has to convince the guys to return to the label. If it doesn't you’ll need more than a liver transplant. -QT- Watch your blood pressure Red, I think somebody needs a little man time! _In the Van.._ -Mickey- That concert was a freaken joke! -Chad- It didn't help that Dougs prozac wore off! -Doug- That kid was a cop!!!!!! -Jerry- Come on Mickey move! -Mickey- Its my turn to sit in the back, sleep in the front honkey! -Jerry- It still has a stain on it!!! Alright things are really cramped in here, you’ll just have to sleep on top of Doug pirate style. -Mickey- Your gunna have to kill me 1st pirate style. -Chad- We’ve got mail! It has a video file attached to it. -QT- Hey guys its QT! -Jerry- Its QT!!!! -Mickey- QT! -QT- Please guys turn yourselves in, the record labels not our enemy, they’re our friend. -Jerry- Has he gone nuts? -QT- Have you guys gone nuts? You’re acting like fools hiding out in that stupid van, come on get real.. Lets go back to label. -Jerry- Well that was harsh. -Doug- And inappropriate. -Chad- It wasn't QT, It was a QT robot. -Doug- We’ve got to move on, its the pirate way. -All- 4 as one. -Jerry- Lets just get some sleep... I’ll stand! Good night. -Chad- Good night QT wherever you are. _Back from commercial break_ _Scene- In Van_ -Jerry- What’s happening to us. -Mickey- We aint got no money. -Jerry- No food... -Mickey- NO QT. -Chad- Basically all we have is Doug’s stench. -Doug- Just hold on one darn minute here, there is one thing we do have, our pirate-osity. -All- Yea. Yea Yea... -Doug- No one can take that away from us, no matter how bad we stink. -Jerry- He’s right, I mean we cant stop being Pirates just because Doug smells. -Doug- Yea!!! Okay now listen up heres what we’re gotta do... all of us need to take a bath. I figure if we do that, well everything else will pretty much take care of itself. -Jerry- But we dont have any money where are we gunna take a bath? -Mickey- The ocean! -Chad- Im scared of the ocean. -Jerry- Garden hose at some house? -Chad- I’m scared of hoses. -Doug- Well umm maybe we could just sneak into our old house and take a shower there. -Jerry- Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa 1st of all no way!! 4ever lives there now. -Doug- So!! We just knock them out pirate style, steal their shampoo and then lather up right in their face!! -Mickey- Yea!!! -Chad- Doug, If we go back to the house it violates our pirate-osity. -Jerry- Not if we have rules. Alright we only stay there one hour and each of us can only launder one item. -Mickey- I’ll give up my one item so Doug can wash two! -Jerry- Whew thanks! -Doug- Alright -Jerry- Pirates!!!! -All- Alright!!!!! _At the house_ -Jerry- Guys its already open... Well I'm guessing 4ever doesn't live in here anymore. -Mickey- 4ever aint living anywhere no more. -Tom- What are you doing here? -Jerry- And what are you doing here? -Tom- I was conducting a focus group on your CD, but thats not the point no ones scowering the city for my ass. Get out, both of you get out, Now. Out hey... wait in the car, I’ll drive you back.... -Jerry- Thats the demographic we’re after? -Tom- Look you punks, you are in a totally big deep trouble with Johnny Loaf...you are massively screwed!! Unless you come back to Wutev records... -Doug- So your threatening usr e-sign with Wutev records. -Tom- Threatening? Yea. -Doug- Well Pirates dont like threats. -Tom- What, WHAT? -Jerry- We’re Pirates now. And you dont want to make us mad! -Doug-`Cause now when we get mad, we get mad pirate style!!! -Tom- Okay, Okay, I never even saw you guys, alright I wont tell! -Mickey- Good, Now beat it bitch!!! Alright we got one hour. -Jerry- I get the shower. -Chad- I’m gunna go wash my one item. -Doug- Yea I’m gunna go masturbate too! ~Shows clips of Jerry showering, Chad rubbing tide and water on him, Mickey in the shower washing off a fake tattoo, Doug ummm in the shower, Jerry pouring grapefruit on him, Chad hugging cereal, Mickey eating coffee, Doug holding a toaster, Chad in bed, Mickey in bed rubbing chains on him, and Jerry in bed with all of his facial and soothing stuff on, and Doug in bed with a toaster. -Doug- Time to load up the van! -Jerry- Hey guys... -Doug- Oohh good call! -Jerry- Come on Chad, time to get ready. -Chad- I’m busy! (watches the QT video clip) -Doug- That is not a QT robot and its not an alien wearing a QT mask. -Chad- It just doesn't feel right to me. -Jerry- Maybe we should bring the fire place. -Doug- Awesome! At Wutev_ -Tom- I did it, I found 2gether last night at their old house. -Liz- Lets go... It took you 16 hours to tell me this? -Tom- I was giving blood. _At the house_ -Chad- You guys I’ve got it, come check out QT’s hands. -Jerry- 5 and 1? -Chad- 5 as 1, QT’s telling us to come in, but he’s signaling for us to hold out, the label is holding QT hostage. -Mickey- Yo we gotta rescue our homey. -Jerry- Alright everybody grab one item! Lets go! ~Smoke bomb breaks the window and explodes~ -Chad- Um could we not bring that thing? -Liz- The house is surrounded by recording industry executives, come out now 2gether. Or we’ll send in Robbie Williams to make you laugh and cry!!! ~The guys choke on the smoke~ _Back from the commercial break_ _Scene- Wutev records_ -Liz- You guys are in very hot water. -Tom- Very hot. -Liz- Either you sign a new contract with Wutev or you’re brought up on charges: Designing a riot, breaking and entering, burglary... -Jerry- We’re not signing anything. -Liz- I see, Well maybe this will change your mind.. ~Opens window of QT's room where he looks unconscious~ -All- QT!!!! -Jerry- If you guys have given him drugs other than all of the other drugs he already does so help me!!! -Liz- Blah blah blah just sign!!! And QT and the rest of you can have a happy reunion. -Chad- Guys look at his hands. -Jerry- 5 as 1! Ha, we’re not signing, you’ve underestimated us. -Liz- We’ll see. ~In individual meetings with Liz...~ -Liz- Jerry, You remember a girl named Erin dont you? -Jerry- We were only 2gether for 2 and a half years... -Liz- You still love her dont you? -Jerry- If you’ve touched her so help me!!! -Liz- NO, no we just have a little message from her. (turns on TV) -Melissa Joan Hart- `Cause Im telling you to sign that contract, in front of you, you will not regret it, ok smile at the camera, hee hee, alright can you unhook me now I said what you wanted. -Jerry- Thats not Erin,Thats Melissa Joan Hart. -Liz- Thats Erin! -Jerry- Thats Melissa Joan Hart. -Liz- DAMN! ~With Doug~ -Melissa- Due to the stretch level of our work , celebrities such as you and I often become confused and do bad or foolish things such as crashing cars or turning down big endorsements and you know in time of confusions I often wish that someone would tell me what to do.... -Doug- 5 as 1 , 5 as 1, 5 as 1... -Liz- Doug, its pretty much an open secret that you’re a no talent middle aged man. -Doug- Ok I’ll sign, ahhh (cries) no, I cant AHH!!! ~With Mickey~ -Liz- Oh tough Mickey, nothing hurts Mickey. -Mickey- Damn straight, vanilla bean -Liz- Its because of your past right, you had to be tough to survive the ghetto. -Mickey- Well you know. -Liz- But your not really from the ghetto are you? -Mickey- What? You trippen. -Liz- *hands him a photo of Mickey with his happy family at six flags* The others dont have to see that. -Mickey- OHHH.... ~With Chad~ -Liz- Did you know there’s a sub cause to paragraph F in your contract that stipulates you must return to Wutev records? -Chad- Now let me ask you something did you know that Im rubber and your glue and everything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you?Huh? Did you know that one? _All 4 guys rip up and write on the contract_ -All 4- 5 as 1 _All 4 in a room with Liz_ -Liz- Alright, So maybe you wont listen to me, or your girlfriend Erin! -Jerry- That was Melissa Joan Hart! -Liz- But here’s someone you should listen to... (Opens doors to QT) -All 4- QT!!! -QT- So you guys are gunna sign? -Doug- Yeaa right! -Jerry- They couldn't break us next to our secret inspiration! -QT- What are you talking about? -Chad- The 5 fingers and the 1 finger, you were telling us to maintain unity and not to sign. -QT- No! I was telling you guys that on my book tour I kissed 5 girls in 1 night! -Doug- Well they held you hostage right? I mean you were unconscious in there. -QT- I was sleeping, I was wiped after 6 hours of play station. -Mickey- Yo they got play station 2? -QT- Play station 3! -Jerry- So along you’ve been thinking that we really should sign with the label? -QT- Yea! We were happy as a group, living 2gether, making music, lets keep doing it! -Mickey- Yea man but we cant go back to the old contract, that’d be like NSYNC going back to Lou Pearlman. -QT- So lets get a better deal... Hey strawberry, could we have one song on each album thats just ours? -Liz- Sure QT... -Doug- Can I have that paper clip dispenser?(gets it) Im in! -Chad- Wait a second guys, what happened about going underground? About living out of our van wild and free, what happened to our pirate-osity? -Jerry- He’s right. -Doug- I forgot about that. -Liz- Couldn’t you guys still be pirates even if you live in the house? -Mickey- You mean like high-tech pirates. -Liz- Exactly Mickey. -Doug- Yea the house is a van, just bigger and without wheels. -Jerry- Yea! Chad- And we can even call the house the van! -Mickey- So what would we call the van? -QT- Van on wheels? -Mickey- Here's the deal, we’ll sign your contract, but only if Wutev agrees that we’re Pirates. -Liz- The label agrees!!! ~Each guys signs the contract~ -Liz- Guys, from now on you’re pirates!! ~Music- 2gether~ _Guys dressed up in pirate outfits singing and dancing_ -All- We’re all gunna hang 2gether you and me forever, your the one I treasure 2gether 2gether. Hang 2gether you and me forever, your the one I treasure 2gether 2gether, hey 2gether. -Mickey- Hang 2gether....