LOVE CHILD _Scene- CD signing_ -Doug- This is awesome, “Before we say goodbye” is turning out to be a classic love song! -Mickey- Yea man its like the new “Baby got back.” -Jerry- Nah its the new “Kiss me” ~Chad gets all the kisses~ -Doug- I bet its going to be played at every high school prom in America. -Chad- I bet they’ll play it on Dawsons Creek. -Doug- Man I always get the bad dudes. (gets kissed by a guy) -Chad- Looks like your lucks changing! -Jerry- Hi! Is this for your daughter? -Man- Actually im representing my client Ms. Anne Sheer who asserts that “Before we say Goodbye” rendered her in such an emotional state that it was the instigatory act of her current situation. -Doug- We have no idea what your talking about. -Man- The song got her ass all horny. -Boy- I’ll take one more cd. -Man- Which resulted in her being pregnant and she’s suing you for 50 million dollars. -Jerry-50 million dollars? -Chad- Okay but we get the baby! _Scene- Lawyer talking to the press_ -Man- 2gether’s irresponsible and learnt music made my client against her will writhe and sweat while completely naked this law suit sends a message to all insidious music groups while protecting our writhing and sweating completely naked teenagers. _Scene- At home_ -Mickey- Insidious? I’d be mass hell if i knew what that meant. -Jerry- Well I cant reach anyone at the label. -QT- 50 million dollars? we’re so screwed. -Jerry- this is all my fault I got too sexy too seductive on that song, I knew I was doing it but I cant stop myself sometimes. -QT- Thinks for taking the bullet Jer, but I was the one cursed with that awesome power over the ladies. -Mickey- Quit trippen guys! I mean come on man she’s just running games to get a check out. -Chad- I dont know man we got something pretty powerful here. -Liz- Okay boys... Whos your daddy? -Doug- Oh I hate when she does that. -Liz- Sorry I haven’t return any of your calls Jerry I was making sure that law suit went away. -Jerry- You did? -Doug- Howd you do that? -Chad- Oh thankyou daddy! -Liz- Well the girl is pregnant and sympathetic, so Wut-Ev records just shut the whore up with a nice chunk of money. -Guys- ~laugh~ -Doug- High five. _Scene- Night time in the house_ ~Sound- Rock being thrown through the glass part of the door~ -Doug- We’re under attack! -Mickey- Drive by! -Doug- Its Robert Downey Jr. on another coke binge. -Jerry- Nah its probably fans, I say we take them! -Chad- What if they have guns? -Doug- Why would they be throwing rocks if they have guns? -Chad- To trick us!!! -Jerry- Come on guys, those punks picked on the wrong boy band! ~Guys run out only to find Anne~ -Doug- Oh its just that pregnant girl. (She raises a rock and the guys except Jerry run away) -Jerry- Hey you’re Anne Sheer right? -Chad- Why are you throwing rocks at us? -Anne- To hit you with them. -Mickey- We’re the one’s supposed to be mad at you, you made millions off us. -Anne- Millions? We settled for 48 dollars. -Mickey- 48 lousy bucks? -Anne- 32 after my lawyer took his cut. -Chad-Was that a contraction? -Anne- No. I thought it would make me feel better but I just feel stupid. -Chad- Was that a contraction? -Anne- No! -Jerry- What about about the father? Where the hell is he? -Anne- My boyfriend bailed when he found out I was pregnant.This is for you Richard Racklin (throws rock and breaks window in the next house) -Man- Get off my lawn Robert Downey Jr.! -Anne- Sorry, pregnant women have mood swings... goodbye. -Mickey- Wait! Where you gunna go? -Anne- I dont know, I might take the 32 dollars and fly to Hawaii. -Mickey- You could stay with us. -Anne- I dont want your charity. -Mickey- No, no we want you to right? -Jerry- Yea. Doug- Yea. -Chad- sure! -Mickey- Yea! -Anne- alright but I’ll take the couch I dont want any special attention. _Scene- In the house during the day_ _Anne in the Bathroom_ ~Mickey walks in on her~ -Mickey- Ohh! -Anne- Ahh! Can I have some privacy please? -Mickey- Sorry, I didn't see your boob, at least not the left one... -QT- What’d she look like? -Mickey- Yo man she’s pregnant. -QT- Yea, well we know she puts out! _Chad and Jerry Looking in the Phone Directory_ -Jerry- OK, there’s 3 Richard Racklin’s listed. All we gotta do is figure out which ones Anne’s old boyfriend pursue them to do the right thing. -Chad- 1st thing we need are hunting dogs. -Jerry- Well their addresses are listed right here. -Chad- Dogs are listed? Cool! Lets look up Scooby Doo! _Scene- Anne eating in the Kitchen_ -Anne- Making noises while eating.... -Mickey- Are you okay? -Anne- I’m fine. -Mickey- Oh, I thought you were crying. -Anne- No, No sometimes I make noises when I eat. -Mickey- Damn girl, You’re really packing it in. -Anne- Oh but we need it. -Mickey- Yea, Guess I should of known you wouldn't be crying, I mean you’re a pretty tough girl -Anne- Im not tough, I dont feel tough anyway.. I feel... -Mickey- Fat? -Anne- I feel like a single mom, like a fat single mom. -Mickey- Well I dont know... I guess if you want, you could say that I’m the father. Its good for my rep. All gangsters have illegitamate kids, Its kind of our way of spreading the love. -Anne- Thanks but I’m okay. -Mickey- The guy was a real jerk. -Anne- I thought he was the one. -Mickey- How’d you know? -Anne- I know this is crazy but I loved his smell, he smelt like baby powder. -Mickey- Baby powder? Hmm.. -Anne (talking to the baby) Now its just you and me. -Both eat and make noises- -Mickey- Look you’re gunna be okay. I mean you got alot going for you. -Anne- Thankyou (kisses his cheek) Thats nice. ~Both kiss~ -Anne- Where did that come from? -Mickey- I dont know. ~Both make out~ _Back from commercial break_ _Scene- Jerry and Chad looking for Richard_ ~Jerry Knocks~ -Jerry- 1st Richard Racklin. -Little boy- Hello? -Jerry- Hi, we’re looking for Richard Racklin. -Richard- Thats me. -Jerry- Are there any other Richards living here? -Richard- No, I had a turtle named Richard but he died when I feeds him some Cheerios. - Chad- (mad) You should be ashamed of yourself running out on Anne like that. -Jerry-Chad! -Chad- Who do you think you are! -Rich- IM Richard! -Chad- Well Richard... Maybe you should take some responsibilities for your actions. -Jerry- Chad its not him!!!! -Chad- Are you sure? -Jerry- Yea! Lets go. -Chad- I’ll be watching you! -Rich- You cant see me ‘cuz im invisible! -Chad- OOhhhh well you weren't invisible when you got Anne pregnant, ever heard of protection!!!! _Mickey and Anne in the doctors office_ -Anne- Thinks for taking me to my doctors appointment. -Mickey- Yea its all good. -Anne- Look Mickey, (Mickey electrocutes himself with the shockers) I’ve been wanting to talk to you about last night. I’m really vulnerable now. -Mickey- Yea I’m kinda in a weird place myself. -Anne- I think we should take it a little slower, right now I could just use a friend. -Mickey- Yea right, friend (kinda bummed) -Anne- Oh hell- ~ pulls him in and kisses him~ -Mickey- You wanna get naked as friends? -Doctor- Everything is looking good. -Anne- Thats great doctor. -Doctor- Did the technician go over this with you? -Anne- No. -Doctor- Well, Thats the baby’s heartbeat. Did you wanna know if its a boy or a girl? -Anne- Yea sure. -Doctor- Its a boy. -Mickey- I see his penis! I see 2 penis’, he’s gunna be a player. -Doctor- Those are his fingers. -Mickey- He’s got 2 fingers? He’s gunna be a freak! -Doctor- No hes got 10 fingers and 1 penis. -Mickey- 10 fingers and a penis all the man needs in this world! -Doctor- You have a healthy baby, congratulations. -Mickey and Anne- Thanks. _Scene- Chad and Jerry looking for the real Richard_ -Richard- Look guys I’d love to say I was the father but the truth is I haven’t been with a girl and had you know... sex. -Chad- Ohhhh it may not have been sex to you but it was sex to her! How can you live with yourself? You know shame on you and everything you stand for, and dont even try to claim that your invisible. I’ll be watching you!!!! _Scene- Anne and Mickey in the kitchen_ -Mickey- I kinda wrote you a song, its sorta like an Eminem ballot. -Anne- You did? -Mickey- Yea. -Anne- Lemme hear it. -Mickey- Aight, I want you with me day and night so we can watch the morning brights. I’ll take a weed whacker, put your legs in a hamper. I’ll put your arms by my side and even take them for a ride. Put your eyes in my pocket or maybe a locket. You’ll be stored in several places so wherever I look, they’ll be traces of you. Like a stew. -Anne- Oh my God. -Mickey- Thanks, I’m trying to work in decapitate. -Anne- Yea ‘cuz its really missing it now. _Chad and Jerry with another Richard_ -Richard- Anne Sheer, Anne Sheer, yea that could of been my work but uh I nail alot of girls so its hard to remember. -Chad- Oh okay. -Jerry- Oh okay? Why aren't you blowing up at him? -Chad- Hes cool he’s got an earing. -Jerry-Maybe you should be thinking about doing the right thing,thats what I would do, but not because I’m not Jerry O’Keefe role model, but because Im Jerry O’Keefe public figure who cares about our nations children. -Richard-Never heard of you. -Jerry- Really? “Hardest part of breaking up?”..... Anyway the important thing here is Anne, and this is your chance to do a decent thing, be a man. -Richard- Nah, I dont think so. ~Chad give him two thumbs up and walks away~ _Scene- At the house_ ~Mickey leaves bathroom after putting on a ton of baby powder~ -Mickey- Hey have you seen Anne? -Doug- Uh she just left with all her bags, I thought you knew. -Mickey- What? Anne, Anne Wait, wait!!! Whats going on!!! -Anne- Nothin, I’m moving on. -Mickey- Yea, but what about, but what about us us? -Anne- I dont think we’re right for each other Mickey. -Mickey- What do you mean? -Anne- Your song, you were gunna carve me up and put my legs in a hamper? -Mickey- Anne, look I never meant to scare you right? I was just trying to say that I want you here. -Anne- You want me everywhere. How can you think stuff like that? -Mickey- I dont, thats just the thugs I hang out with talk, but deep down what I really think is... that.... Oh hell, I love you. -Anne- You do? -Mickey- I do? Yea!!! And uh, well.... I wanna marry you! -Anne- Oh Mickey... ~He takes off an ear ring and puts it on her finger~ -Mickey- So what do you say? -Anne- I say yes. You smell like baby powder. -Mickey- GRRRRR!! _Back from Commercial Break_ _Scene-In the house with all the guys_ -Mickey- So then I took her in my arms right, and I was totally feeling it dogs! And then, well, I asked her to be my wife. This is the part where you fools say congrats. -Jerry- Uh super dooper. -QT- Wonderful. -Chad- Great. -Doug- Mickey I think your making a big mistake. -Mickey- No man I dont care that she’s white. -Doug- No, I’m talking about being a husband and a father. You dont know what your jumping into. -Mickey-Yo pause, you dont know what your talking about! -Doug- Oh yea? I have 2 teenage daughters and I had to be worried that everything I said would shape their lives, I had to teach them about love and faith and trust and I’m not even sure they’re mine! _Scene-Mickey and Doug in Kitchen_ -Mickey- Hey man, I got some books on raising kids. -Doug- Oh yea? There ya go, taking this seriously, thats great man. -Mickey- Yea but its twisting my head. This one says let them cry, dont cry, be straight, dont be straight, breast feed, dont breast feed, this ones even got pictures. -Doug- Okay uh lets do a little role playing, lets suppose I’m 16 years old and I came up to you and said “Hey dad can I borrow the car tonight?” -Mickey- Sure little man stay out as late as you want. -Doug- No thats too irresponsible, now try it again “Hey dad can I borrow the car tonight?” -Mickey- Lets see, if you take the car out I’ll bash your face in! -Doug- Alright back up a little bit. -Mickey- Go to your room and do your homework, and dont look at me bitch!!! -Doug- Maybe a tad too harsh. _Scene- mickey with Anne_ -Mickey ~singing~ Hush little baby dont say a word, ‘cuz daddys gunna buy you a mocking bird. And if that mocking bird dont sing, then daddy’s gunna rip off his nipple ring. -Anne- Thats great, your letting your gentle side come through. _Scene- All 5 guys 2gether_ -Doug- I’d like to propose a toast: Mickey, at 1st I thought you were making a huge big ass mistake. I told myself he’s rushing into this, he’s only known Anne for a few days, he doesn't know where he’s gunna live, he doesn't know anything about mortgage or insurance, or anything for that matter. To Mickey!! -All guys- To Mickey!!!!!! -3rd Richard walks in-Hey, I had a tough time finding you guys. -Mickey- Who are you? -Richard- Oh uh I’m Richard Racklin, Jerry here was explaining to me how I ‘m the father of the baby and you know at 1st I wanted to run but he said so many powerful things that I changed my mind, I wanna do the right thing by Anne. Sir you are my role model. -Mickey- Listen Racklin you cant come in here with your Racklin moused hair and your Racklin attitude and think you could just take Anne! -Richard- Why not? I wanna share my life with her. -Anne- Mickey I heard some yelling is everything okay? Hey, I dont think we’ve met, I’m Anne. -Richard- So you’ve never seen my face before? -Anne- No. -Richard- Sweet, I’m off the hook then I’m free, Richard the Me right Racklin is Back (to Jerry) Sir, you are an idiot. -Chad- I knew the 7 year old was the father. -Anne- Richard! -Richard #3- What? -Other Richard- Hi Anne. I’ve missed you. -Mickey- Somebody lock the damn door! -Richard #3- No problem. -Richard- I got scared and I made a big mistake but I’ve been doing alot of thinking lately and Anne, I wanna be with you. -Anne- Richard I dont know what to say, Mickey and I are.... ahhhh (goes into labor) -Jerry- Whats wrong? -Mickey- Whats going on? -Anne- The baby’s coming! -Chad- Quick somebody get some towels and some hot water! -Doug- Chad. We’re going to the hospital. -Chad- I know, I need to wash up 1st. ~QT faints~ _In the hospital..._ -Doctor- You’re doing great Anne, you’re four inches, I’m going take a look. -Anne- Mickey I, I uh I uh... -Mickey- I know its okay, I was just another one of your mood swings. -Anne- You’re so much more than that. I’m sure that some day you’ll find a pregnant girl to call your bitch. -Mickey- Thinks! -Anne- And Richard, I wanna give this a chance but if your having second thoughts, its better if leave now. I can make it on my own. -Richard- I’m here. -Mickey- You better be! -Doctor-Okay that was a big one so get ready to push. -Mickey- Anne, is there anything we could do, would it help if we sang? -Anne- no. -Mickey- Well, it would help me.. so... Sing! -Chad- Before we sa... -All- Aaayyyy goooddbye. -Chad- Before we turn and.... -All- Turn an walk away. -Chad- Lets give it... -All- One more try. -Chad- Before we say goodbye.... -Mickey- Before we close that door. -Jerry- Before we got our separate ways. -All- Lets stop and find out why. -Mickey- Before we say... goodbyeee... -Chad- We’ve been down this road before and always made it through. Ohhh. -Mickey- But incase we break up, can I still have sex with you? -Doug- Have sex with you.... -Chad- Before we loose this love, before we throw it all away. -Mickey- Girl dont do another guy -Chad- Before we say... goodbye. ~A bunch of kissing going on: Anne and the real Richard, Richard #3 and the nurse, The two women nurses, Jerry and the nurse.~ -Chad- Lets give it one more try....... Before we sayyyyyyyyyyy goodbye. -Doctor- Push, you can do it. You have a beautiful baby boy.