The Ongoing Battle

That hideous face above this is my mortal enemy. For those of you just tuning in, the opponents are Jay (Me, the heroine) and Ryan (the villian, a schoolmate)

SHORT BIO OF RYAN: aka Ryan the Dorkus, Lord of the Potatoe People. Ryan is obsessed with his crappy Trans Am, which he bought for a grand and forgot to make sure it had a title. He has no friends outside of shop, except Rich, who fixes his beloved car, and Andy who pities him but makes fun of him. Ryan tries to make friends by making fun of me, which is what sparked this battle. He's also wicked lactose intolerant. Ryan is in my school, has the same exact schedule as me this year, and while the battle is mostly insults, theres a few pranks, and some violence in the battle, so here's the details:

HISTORY OF THE BATTLE: (What you missed. Exact Dates unknown) **YEAR 98-99** I entered shop in the third quarter of sophomore year Ryan, Tom, and I got assigned to work on window boxes for a shed. The window boxes are supposed to be 1 inch smaller than the RO, but Ryan got the measurements wrong, and we didn't question them, so the boxes were too tight of a fit. Ryan whines like a baby. Stuff like "I don't want to be here!", "I should have gone into masonry!" "I can't do anything right!", "I should just walk home now!", "We're gonna get yelled at!" blah blah blah. I keep telling him to shut up, we go inside, fix the problem, and it all works out and he's mad because he was being a baby and I was right-we didn't get into trouble. Later on in the year Tom drops a level on my head by accident. He was on scaffolding working on the top of the rough opening for the shed and I was measuring the bottom.

**YEAR 99-00**

(I forget the insults I said early in the year, so I'll write what I remember)
• Ryans changes a lot over the summer, he's louder, but still just as stupid.
• He makes fun of the soccer team-big deal, we stink, we know it, we just like playing, I mean, it's not like he can play any better.
• He hits me in the shin with a 6-9 lb sledge. Yes for real. (Exact size of sledge unknown, Im guessing)
• He makes fun of the way I hammer-constantly.
• Gorman puts cheese in his sub, he's sick for the weekend.
• Gorman puts a bug in my sub, but I find it, and don't eat the sub.
• Ricky shakes 'the shed' (portopoddy) like crazy when Ryans in it but doesn't tip it over-oh well, theres always next time.
• Ricky shoves his hand in his crack and slaps Ryan in the face, Ryan nearly pukes.
• Ryan tries to 'race' Bennet to see who can take nails out the fastest, Bennets already done, theres only one nail left, Ryan yanks it out and a 8' x 4' piece of plywood falls straight into his face-I crack up, he turns beet red.
• Ryans banging out his framing square on the scaffolding which I'm standing on. I go to kick his hammer out and he thinks I'll flat out kick him in the head, so he ducks and the claw of the hammer hits him in the forehead.
• In gym we had a football game going on outside. I had the ball and I was running. Ryan was on the other team in the lead, and coming up strong, I wanted to fake him out (it didnt work). The whole time he was muttering-Must kill Jay, Must kill Jay. He did tackle me, but we had been running so fast, when I fell, he fell into me then kept going, so when he got up he was aching. He goes "Woah, you're built like a tank, I never expected that. Remind me never to do that again." I'm not as strong as I'd like to be, but I'm no wus. I'm tall and lean, you wouldn't think I'd be a carpenter by looking at me. Most people who don't know me think I'd be in graphics or cosmetology or management.
• He calls me Chewbacca, and Quasimoto so I said he's got a face familiar to anyone who's ever seen a Mr. Potatoe head doll and he has no comeback-he says something like "a joke isn't funny when it takes you five minutes to uh say the uh punchline."
• Ryans purposefully flunking each class so next year he can take easy classes.

THE CRAP FIGHT!!!-not part of the battle, but it's funny. During lunch one day Ricky found a pile of dog crap on the job site, so he used a board to pick it up and fling it at Newman, crap was flying everywhere! Newmans trying to dodge it, and fling it back. It was soooo gross!

During Spring Vacation and semi-recently: A bunch of my buds went to the movies, he joined them, and my dad gave everyone a free pass except him, then told one of my friends to tell Ryan the only thing he'd get is the back of my dads hand across his face. He cut off my mom on the highway because she was going to slow and scared the poor woman witless. He got his title-finally, after nagging like an old woman for weeks on end.

Date 4-24-00 Ryan was passing scaffolding up to Duffy but had to stand in the full dumpster to hand them up to him. For once this year, the trash was where it belonged. Tim dropped a section of scaffolding from above Duffy and Ryan had to dive into the cover of the dumpster to avoid getting hit. In Ryans dive, he nearly dove out of the dumpster.

Week of 5-1-00 to 5-5-00

• I told three people of my battle website and made them swear never to tell another soul. One of them was Christina.
• Christina-who knows about this site, told me she has a HUGE crush on Ryan, and she works with him, and thinks he's 'hot and sexy' where she sees that, I don't know. She also told me she wanted to #$@% him. She also told me to tell him that-including details, so I did. He wasn't being serious when I told him. He thinks he's a 'studmuffin' I had been leaving out details for Christina's privacy, but despite her sworn oath of secracy, she ratted me out, so I moved my website. Ryan thinks she's ugly, and he can do better. (Which he can't, but he isn't entirely wrong) She, on the other hand, has been saying that the two of them are going out, despite his refusal, and has been hanging on him. She didn't say this to me-because I would've asked him, but she's been saying this around school.
• As I said, Christina told Ryan about the site to try to get on his good side. I had told Ryan about the site, but I didn't want him to blab the URL all around school, so I moved my website. He doesn't care about the site, he's seen it and thinks its funny.

Week of 5-8 to 5-12

• In Engish class, for 15 minutes Mrs. Mullen started a discussion on how she's bet I could beat Ryan up. Everyone in class agreed with her, though Ryan did stick up for himself, and we didn't fight.
• Earlier this year, she had said if he kept making fun of everyone, she'd leave the classroom for a while, and just let us all beat him down. She wasn't serious, but it would've been great if she was!
• Ryan has no friends outside of shop-as I mentioned, another way he tries to get attention is punching himself as hard as he can in the forehead, dazing himself a few times.
• His father saw his report card from 3rd quarter, and is making him do better for the last quarter.
• He and Christina aren't speaking anymore. He knows what she's up to--without me saying anything, and doesn't like her much anyways.
• Ryan's calmed down from being such an ass, although Gorman's following in his footsteps.

This Summer

• At a convention in Maine that a lot of my friends went to, Ryan ended up staying at the same hotel as me (Waves, a HUGE hotel, so it wasn't so bad) I got there late, and My brother had been sumo wrestling at the beach with Charlie and a few others. Ryan says-to settle our fight once and for all-lets sumo wrestle. The thought of touching him-even in a fight sickens me to near puking. Ugh-ok, now I can continue. I say-ok, fight my brother first, me and my bro are an even fight, same as charlie nad my bro (my bros a great fighter, thanks to Paulino I am too)
• Anyways, Ryan does fight my bro, and wins simply because he kept kicking sand into Mieks face and mouth. WHen mike was choking on the sand-he gave in. Whats pride to the price of your life. So because Mike would've creamed Ryan anyways-and Im as good as Mike-we didn't fight. Im glad-I mean, after punching him-I would have to burn my hands.
• 9-19-00 Ryan is taking down a ladder on a jobsite, and he loses his grip, and hits me square in the back with a ladder.
• In two weeks from 9-19 Ryan will move to New Hampshire with his family. That's the end of the battle---for now.