Ode to my Crapbox

First of all-Its a Zepher. They stopped making Zephers in 1983! I was born in 83!!! This beast's older than me! Think oldsmobile-you know, the old ones that looked like a long grey box on four wheels, and made you think-whoever designed that car should be dragged into the street and shot! This crapbox doesn't have FM radio-its that old! Im told it has AC-but it doesnt work. Well, kudos for it. The seats are full length, which means two people are needed to push the seat forward or back-one person on each end. The car seats 6 in the eye melding horror for red interior. The front seats push forward so the people can crawl into the back, which is unusual for a car this big. I should probably measure the length of the doors-but they're like 4 feet wide, with the handle all the way at the hinges, making it hard to open singlehandedly. It took my grandpa a few years to find the horn-the horn being another gadget on the blinker thingy on the side of the steeringwheel. Theres two of those thingies-not that I have any idea what the second does. And besides looking like a reject from the "Worlds Most Hideous Objects" tv show it doesn't have fuel injection. For those who are as ignorant about cars as my printer-that means unlike modern cars which you turn on, and it starts, you have to manually put gas into the engine without flooding it-a delicate balance. To the driver that means-pump the gas three times, turn it on. The car will race, but leave it in park if you value your life. Let the car race until it warms up enough to downshift to a more regular idle setting on its own, or wait 5 minutes and rev it until it clunks down. (It doesn't shift, it clunks) As any vehicle made in '79, this car qualifies under the grandfather law (not necessarily a good thing) In other words, to get an inspection sticker, they check the floorboards and the lights, and thats it. It could make put-put sounds all the way, and it'll still pass. This car doesn't go above 80 mph, but I haven't had the guts to push it that far-I'm not allowed on the highways in this beast and I'm grateful-who knows what kind of warped crash I could end up in if it suddenly stalls. At about 50-60 mph the car makes funny noises and shakes-the entire car (remember how big and flat this thing is) shakes! In a normal car-if something happened like some moron suddenly cut me off and I had to slam on the brakes-I can handle it, I have done well with moronic drivers so far. In the crapbox-I'd bropably burst into tears for fear the cars brakes would be shot or it would suddenly develope spontanious vehicle acceleration, or the car would dissolve into a trillion pieces leaving me in an ugly red bench holding a stearing wheel! Needless to say-for once I won't be speeding in this car!

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