I spent a good hour and a half signing autographs and pretending to be happy. A lot of them asked me what I was doing at the hospital. One even worked for a tabloid and even so he promised not to say anything; I wouldn’t trust him for the life of me.
It wasn’t too bad at first, but more people kept coming in and demanding things of me. I was beginning to get tired again and I’d slept five times today already.
The doctor offered me a free inhaler and I took it. I had some people begging me to give it to them after I was done with it. That’s just insane; but I didn’t tell them that.
There were a few nurses that took time off to come by and see me. It was all the extra visitors that took the toll on my time. The nurses skipped working to see me, so I had to fill in their requests and get them going as soon as possible.
One nurse was being slightly perverted too. “I’m a gynecologist,” was the first thing she told me. I was stunned, to say the least and I started turning a flaming red color.
“I can cure ANY ailment,” she prompted me.
I squeaked a “No thanks,” and told everyone that I had to leave. As I was going out the door, I heard someone say, “Thanks Kareema, you ruined it for everyone.”
I was feeling pretty rotten at this time, more wanted, but rotten. Now I really wished that I had brought a hat along or something. Anything to take attention away from me.
Getting out of the hospital was harder than getting in, not only because I everyone knew that I was in the hospital, but because I got kind of lost. After about twenty minutes of searching, I sat down on an uncomfortable chair to rest my feet and to think. I wasn’t really bugged about being lost; I just wanted to go out so that I could buy a hat. Any hat would do, except for women’s hats. I’m not into that kind of thing, if you know what I mean.
I thought about asking for directions, but I was afraid that the simplest things would spark another confrontation. Looking around, I spotted a sign on the wall in front of me that read, “Maternity ward.” Then it had an arrow pointing to the left. I got up and decided to go there.
The newborn babies were in action behind the large glass dome. Some were crying, some were sleeping, and some were just sitting there. They were all so cute and their innocence was beginning to calm me down.
The only thing depressing about this place was the poster. Right above the glass dome there was this poster that screamed, “CANCER” in big bold letters. It made me think of Caroline, Howie’s sister. Even though I’d ever met her, it made me sad every time I thought about her. I remember Howie describing how dispirited she looked, sitting in the hospital bed all bony and sick. And Kevvy’s dad too, he still really missed the guy. I couldn’t imagine something like that happening to me.
One of the babies looked like Brian when he was a baby. His nose was almost identical, and they smiled the same. There were lots of differences though, but the baby almost looked like Brian reincarnated. The baby smiled at me, well that’s what it looked like anyway, and moved his hand up and down, like he was waving to me or something.
I waved back, but the baby had turned its attention to the cries in the next crib. The crying baby looked like Howie. It had these big brown eyes that looked exactly like Howie’s. The baby was very feisty; it cried the whole time that I was there. Somebody’s going to lose a lot of sleep because of that baby.
The next few ones I saw looked a lot like Kevin and AJ. Those two were the peaceful sleeping one and the skinny one. I think the skinny one was premature, but it reminded me of AJ anyway. There was only one missing – me.
The more I thought about how the babies looked like the guys, the more I realized how lonely I was. You can be lonely in a crowded room you know, and that’s exactly what it felt like to me. It was a depressing feeling nevertheless.
While I was thinking this, I stared at the Brian baby. I must have looked really sullen, because all of a sudden the baby started crying really high and really loud. Before the nurse came in to see what was going on, I high-tailed it out of there in search of an exit.
I kept going straight past the maternity wing and I found a door. There was some logic behind placing a door close to the maternity room. Even so I was happy to be out of there, I dreaded going back to the studio.
I took my inhaler because I’d decided to jog all the way back. Mostly it was to test the strength of the inhaler, not to test myself.
My breathing became less coarse, but it still wasn’t performance perfect. I had no idea how I was going to do it, but somehow I just had to. Some of those people had paid five hundred dollars to sit in the nosebleed sections and don’t think that I didn’t know that. We tried hard to win against the scalpers and make our tours more fair, but somehow the good doesn’t get justified. Good luck trying to explain that to people. You just get an earful about how rich you are.
I ran for a half an hour, then walked the rest of the way. Traffic was moving faster now and it appeared to me that it had only slowed down when I felt like committing suicide. Now that I didn’t feel like it, everything was in full motion.
I would have felt like jumping again, thanks to that doctor, but the babies I saw found a piece of me that I thought I would never recover. Just because they weren’t millennium babies, it didn’t mean that they weren’t special.
When I got back, I was told that the guys had eaten an early supper. The crew guy asked me if I wanted something, and I lied and told him that I ate while I was down town. The reason why I lied like that was because they force you to eat when you refuse, and I wasn’t hungry. They wouldn’t understand that, they’d basically tie you down and shove the food down your throat. It’s not out of concern; they do it because they’re afraid that you’ll sue if you collapse on stage. But I wasn’t hungry today, so I lied and I didn’t feel guilty about it either.
Denise bounded up to me as I was headed for the change rooms. I was glad to see her, since she was the only one around here who seemed to care about me in a general way.
She made me follow her to a quiet room that was completely empty. “Nick,” she said, “I have to ask you a personal question, but I want you to know that we love you very much and no matter what we’ll be there for you.”
That’s a lie, I thought, thinking about the guys. Raising my eyebrow a bit I asked, “What’s the question?”
“Nick, did you take up smoking? Answer honestly.”
“Did the guys put you up to this? Because it really isn’t a very funny joke.”
“It’s no joke.”
“Well of course not!”
“I don’t believe you. From what Fatima’s been telling me, that’s certainly not the case. I heard that you could hardly dance, let alone sing at the same time! That’s a classic sign of a heavy smoker.”
“I do NOT smoke!” I yelled, “Smell my breath, my clothes, whatever! I don’t smoke! It’s a disgusting habit!”
She sniffed my clothes and my breath to make sure that I wasn’t just saying that. Then she said, “Okay, then what is it really? Crack? Heroin? It has to be something.”
She eyed me closely and I was starting to get mad. “It’s nothing! There’s nothing wrong with me! You’re not my mother, you can’t treat me like this!” My body is a very personal thing to me and I don’t like it if people make their own assumptions about how I use it.
She sort of stared me down for a while then she finally said, “Then take off your shirt and pants and prove it to me that you haven’t been doing them.”
“NO!” I screamed at her. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“Then you’re off the tour!” she screamed right back. We do have a policy about that kind of thing, we can’t do certain things or they’ll punish us. They’re mostly harsh things, that’s why we’re still around. We’re not into those kinds of things.
I was really starting to get nervous now. I didn’t want to get kicked off but I certainly didn’t want her to win. In the end she did, because she started to leave and I just had to call her back. It’s that faithfulness to my fans thing working again.
It was so embarrassing taking off my shirt in pants in front of her. She checked my arms for marks, taking her time. I could tell that she didn’t feel comfortable about doing this either, but I’d rather have her do it than my manager.
Why did addicts have to inject crap into their upper thighs? I know that there’s a vein there, but really. For the people who accused, it’s so embarrassing. I was blushing like a fool and waiting for AJ to burst into the room suddenly and say, “Mother, what are you doing?”
“Okay, if it’s not drugs, what is it then?” Denise asked when she was satisfied.
I reached over and found my pants. I took the inhaler out of my pocket and said, “Asthma.” Denise nearly crapped herself. Talk about over-reaction to nothing.
“Why didn’t you say so?”
“I wanted you to know that I was clean. You wouldn’t have believed me.” She left the room without a word, but I could tell that she was mad. Probably at me, I reckoned because everyone seemed to be mad at me now. It was a popular fad.
I put on my clothes and laid down for a nap on the hard floor. My sixth one too, but this time I didn’t really care how long I slept. I wanted to stay as far away from people who didn’t trust me as possible.
This time Denise shook me awake. She yelled at me about sleeping so much and she said she was worried. I could tell that she wasn’t, because you don’t tell people that you’re worried about them if you’re yelling at them.
“Did you eat anything this morning?” she asked, as if she was pretending to be concerned. How’s that for you? Another devoted phony; I’d never noticed it before.
“I ate on the plane,” I lied. It was no use having another fight with her. Strange wasn’t it? Earlier I’d felt bad about lying to her; now I couldn’t care less.
“Well there’s got to be some reason why you’re so tired all the time. I think I’ll get someone to take you to the doctor.”
I sighed and pulled the inhaler out of my pocket and waved it in her sorry face. What a way to talk to AJ’s mom. Well it served her right for being rude and phony.
“Oh, that’s right I forgot,” she said, then retreated out the door again. This inhaler seemed to be worth the trip after all. It was like Denise-off spray or something. I sprayed it in her direction and stuck out my tongue. She didn’t see me because she’d already left.
I headed towards the dressing room again, like I’d wanted to before. It was 5pm and I still had to be flown to our next show. This time I had to go with the guys, because we were all going in the same direction.
The room was empty; all of our costumes and supplies had already been hauled into buses and were being driven to our next show in Ft. Lauderdale. We had to delay the show because of Hurricane Floyd, but I’m sure you knew that. We’ve helped with disaster relief too, because it sort of hits home for us.
I changed in the dark, silent room, and then I grabbed my suitcases and headed towards the airport. The cab driver was very nice; he didn’t stare, so I gave him a tip. I’d taken a baseball cap that I found in the dressing room and tucked all of my hair into it. It was a nice shelter and considering I’d found it and it was a good quality hat.
I boarded the plane in complete silence and sat in the very back. The guys weren’t on the plane yet, and that was fortunate for me because I didn’t want them to notice me. I didn’t even want them to talk to me because I knew that it would be negative.
Chapter 7
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