JOURNAL 28


7:51 pm, 07/11/01

subject: am I dying?

This entry is going to be the most personal yet...I wouldn’t blame you if you think I am a psycho after reading this. Though I am generally a quite optimistic person, it didn’t really hit me until few days ago that like everyone, I AM afraid of death.

For more than half year, I have had sudden pain around my chest area every so often. I have never considered this a big deal and just ignored it. Then, out of nowhere, this thought just popped up –"could it be breast cancer?" I know you are thinking I am crazy by the time you read this, since I am only eighteen, and the chances of me getting breast cancer are VERY low. I, however, couldn’t get this out of my head. So, I went online to find out more info about it. It is quite funny how human reacts to things like this; the more I looked into it – the symptoms and so on, the more depressed I felt, thinking to myself, "oh no, maybe I do have breast cancer." Before I knew it, I started crying SO HARD as if I was going to die tomorrow. Part of me wanted to see a doctor, but at the same time, I was terribly afraid to find out the truth...just what if I am indeed diagnosed with cancer? I simply love life too much; I have yet SO MUCH to do.

As I was crying, I started thinking about Michael. Here I was, feeling so depressed and allowing myself to be surrounded by pessimistic thoughts. Till now, I still do not know how could Michael handle and overcome something like this at such a young age. I mean, he was only 9 years old and being able to stay optimistic and accomplish everything that he did really do require a lot of courage. Instead of complaining or feeling sorry for himself, Michael became stronger than ever and showed his appreciation for life by determining to make a difference.

Life IS unfair; there are people who smoke everyday of their life but yet live into their 90s. At the same time, there are wonderful human beings who have done nothing but good deeds and get killed in a car accident. I really do believe in pre-destination and if you are going to die, there's nothing you can do to avoid it. So why not treasure every minute of your life and live to its fullest?

Anyhow, I went to see the doctor today. Don't worry, I am completely healthy...the doctor wouldn't even let me to have a mammogram because I am too young. I was just scaring myself.

After all, I am not dying. Thank God.