Forgive Me

By SnM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What am I going to do? How can I... what am I supposed to do? I don't want to hurt them, and I don't want to hurt myself... is there a solution? What can I do?

Kasumi loves me. After all this time, she still does. I don't know why. I'm no one special, and I'm certainly not that atractive. But... she loves me. At one point... at one point, I thought I loved her, too. We kissed a few times, but I felt repulsed by it. Maybe it was because she was my first kiss... I just didn't know how to handle it. Maybe it was my fault. And when I told her we had to just be friends... she took it so hard. Maybe I should have stuck it out. It couldn't have been that bad. I just got so scared. How could anyone love me that much? Even after they had been told no?

So I ran. Not physically, of course, but emotionally. I started to hide from her, even be afraid of her. And she kept loving me. I wanted her to stop so much... her love frightened me more than any violent threat could. I wanted back our secure friendship, or even our old fights... but she wouldn't give it back. I don't know why! She just couldn't seem to stop loving me.

But maybe its my fault. Maybe I let her hope too much by being nice to her. Maybe she thought she still had a chance.

I started to hate her for her love. I thought it was obvious I didn't want it, and that it was hurting her, and me... but it didn't seem to matter to her. I couldn't even see her as a friend, after a while. Why couldn't she leave me alone? Didn't she see what she was doing? Why didn't she find someone else and stop clinging to me?

I hated her so much.

And then I started to fall in love again. No, not with Kasumi, but with my rival, my old friend. Shigeru. The boy I had known years before I ever started to hate Kasumi, even before I ever knew her. To me, Shigeru was someone to look up to. He was so much better at everything than me... he was my ideal, my hero. He seemed so perfect.

I began to watch him. Months passed, and we regained our old friendship. I began to see his faults, see him for what he really was. But this didn't deture my love; in fact, my love for him only grew.

I noticed that, even surrounded by his cheerleaders, he seemd so lonely, so friendless. He shut himself off from the world. He didn't know how to express himself in emotions other than hate and self-confidence. I wanted to be with him so much... but instead, I was always with Kasumi. It seemed so unfair to me. Why did I have to be with her? I could have remained friends with Shigeru and stayed with him. We could have gone on our journeys together.

My hate for Kasumi grew.

And then, Kasumi left. I felt so glad. It was as if I could breathe again. I had never felt so relieved. I began to see Shigeru more often, without Kasumi hovering over my shoulder. And still, I loved him, without regrets.

Kasumi wrote me. She told me about her new life... but it was painfully obvious, from between the lines, that she still loved me with a desperate passion.

I hated that. I wondered why, now that we were appart, she couldn't get over me.

I stuck close to my own love. The better I got to know Shigeru, the more I reliezed how impossible it would be for him to ever love me. Even when it was pointed out to me that would we never work as a couple, my love for him would not die. Even when Shigeru told me he had no intrest in me, I wouldn't listen. I wouldn't. I loved him so much.

Now I sit and watch the stars over my head. Such a romantic idea, to watch the stars. But for once, I don't think about how much I wish Shigeru was here watching them with me.

Why? Because tonight... tonight I have made a connection, noticed something. The way Kasumi loves me... its the same way I love Shigeru.

We both don't want to stop loving. Its comfortable, its safe to be in love. Its a hope that there will be a day when the loneliness will be filled by another person. Its hard to let go of that hope. Both Kasumi and I did that... turned deaf ears, blind eyes to the truth, and hopelessly went on with our one singular hope. A hope that will never be fulfilled.

Tonight, I have learned to love Kasumi again. Not in the way I was before, but I love her for our connection. We are kindred.

And then... I wonder. Should I give her her dream? Should I accept her love? I want her to be happy... and I know her happiness is the enactment of her dreams.

I'm older now than I was then. Surely, I could handle a relationship with her. Of course... I don't feel that way towards her. But then... I think I myself would rather have Shigeru pretend to love me than have nothing at all from him.

And maybe I can learn to love Kasumi. Maybe in her arms I can forget the pain and loneliness Shigeru couldn't--no, didn't want to--fill. Maybe Kasumi will heal me....

But I don't want her arms, or her love. I can't live that lie, I can't give her false hope. That isn't fair to her or me.

And I'll have to stop loving Shigeru. I don't want him to learn to hate me like I hated Kasumi. That hate poisons the soul... and while I might be able to take his hate, I am not sure he could stand to have his soul twisted so. I have to learn to forget my false hope.

I love you both.

Forgive me.