People never say, "It's just a game," when they're winning - Anon

Are you sure the power's off? - Famous Last Words

Over the years I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk - Adam, age 17

Never eat more than you can lift - Miss Piggy

Never use while sleeping - Instruction on Conair hair dryer

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters - Anon

How do they get the deer to cross at the yellow road sign? - Anon

If Barbie is so popular why do you have to buy her friends? - Anon

I wonder where the mother bear is - Famous Last Words

Why do psychics have to ask for your name? - Anon

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark - Anon

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever - Anon

You've had one too many Cokes when you don't sweat, you carbonate - Anon

If the shoe fits, find another one just like it - Anon

You know you're too stressed if you can hear mimes - Anon

Free puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spainel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's-dog - Classified Ad

Mosquito: an insect that makes flies look good after all - Anon

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? - Anon

Never argue with a fool. He may be doing the same thing - Anon

If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight - George Gobel

Chickens: the only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead - Anon

Why do they report power outages on TV? - Anon

Why are wrong numbers never busy? - Anon

Is the problem ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care - Anon

When companies ship stryofoam, what do they pack it in? - Anon

What does this button do? - Famous Last Words

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine - Anon

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? - Anon

He's probably hibernating - Famous Last Words

Flavored water is weird.

99¢ is not one dollar!

Winners never say its just a game.

I like laxative.

Your feet are squeaky.

Double cheesecake is good!

Buy your jug, don't grab it off someone else.

The new Chinese movie is "Brass Chicken" and don't forget "Copper Mongoose."

HGTV is bad, it hypnotizes perfectly okay moms and makes them... shop!

Neighbors don't like wrappers spat in their trees.

Dauchounds don't have good senses of humor.

12 year old + blonde + sugar = bad idea

Don't tease the neighbor's hot dog dog.

Parents don't make good pets.

Never yell "Happy Chinese New Year!" at a Japanese restaurant.

Bird seed makes a good wedding rice subitute (but not during flocking season!)

Girl + yardstick + big classroom = messy sword fight

It's not funny to the kid when you leave them at the door with no key.

Pirating pizza can be fun.

Get your weedwacker - it's ladybug season!

Don't slap me Mr. Teacher, I's ain't got none bad grammar!

Dear Diary, I just realized that you don't put air holes in a submarine.

Reality shows- the leading cause of conversion to nudist.

If a penny saved is a penny earned, then what the hell is a penny spent?

"Who comes up with these things?! Bored thirteen year olds?"

Never relieve yourself on a sleeping hobo.

Never put out a fire with gasoline. I just figured out that it makes it worse.

 Never fall asleep on your side while tanning.

If "Show your hooters!" is written on a semitruck, don't listen.

Three magic words - it wasn't me.

It's handy to know who backwashes at lunch.

Don't look at your grandma and grandpa when someon'e passing you the basketball.

Throwing baseballs through windoes doesn't help your neighbors with wrinkles.

The first olympic game to be banned - cement toss

If you are in space, don't take off your helmet to use your cellphone.

Don't ask a chicken if he wants a drumstick.

Eggs don't make a good subitute for in bean bag chairs.

If your dog needs a skateboard, he's more that a few pounds overweight.

The only thing missing at a crackhead's house is a smoke detector.

Hoarding a bunch of old ladies does not make you a pimp.

Most babies are cute. Alien babies are not.

Men's idea of giving birth is getting the footrest on a recliner down.