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from 1001 Ways To Beat The Draft


(an excerpt)

by Tuli Kupferberg

1.  Grope J. Edgar Hoover in the silent halls of Congress.
2.  Get thee to a nunnery.
3.  Fly to the moon and refuse to come home.
4.  Die.
5.  Become Secretary of Defense.
6.  Become Secretary of State.
7.  Become Secretary of Health, Education, and Welfare.
8.  Show a li'l tit.
9.  Castrate yourself.
10.  Invent a time machine and go back to the 19th century.
11.  Start to menstruate.  (Better red than dead.)
12.  Attempt to overthrow the Government of the United States by force and violence.
13.  Advocate sexual freedom for children.
14.  Shoot up for a day.
15.  Refuse to speak to them at all.
16.  Enroll at the Jefferson School of Social Science.
17.  Replace your feet with wheels.
18.  Rent a motel room with a ewe.
19.  Rent a motel room with a ram.
20.  Say you're crazy.
21.  Say they're crazy.
22.  Get muscular dystrophy when you're a kid.
23.  Marry J. Edgar Hoover.
24.  Take up residence in Albania.
25.  Stretch yourself on a rack so that you become over 6 1/2 feet tall.
26.  Marry your mother.
27.  Marry your father.
28.  Blow up the Statue of Liberty.
29.  Marry your sister.
30.  Marry your brother.
31.  Marry your daughter.
32.  Join the Abraham Lincoln Brigade.
33.  Marry your son.
34.  Marry Lassie.
35.  Marry President Johnson.
36.  Marry Mao Tse-tung.
37.  Proclaim that Mao Tse-tung is the Living God.
38.  Proclaim that you are the Living God.
39.  Stamp your foot in the earth like Rumplestiltskin and refuse to eat until our boys return from Viet Nam.
40.  Get elected Pope.
41.  Get elected to the Supreme Soviet.
42.  Get lost.
43.  Shoot A for one month.
44.  Grow seven toes on your head.
45.  Commit an unnatural act with Walter Jenkins.
46.  Make the world go away.
47.  Wear pants made of Jello.
48.  Say you are a wounded veteran of the lutte des classes.
49.  Solder your eyes shut.
50.  Ride naked through the streets on a white horse.
51.  Declare war on Germany.
52.  Tell the draft board that you will send your mother to fight in Viet Nam in your place.
53.  Study Selective Service reports on malingering and military medicine, and/or military psychiatry texts or journal articles on the same subject, and use the clever methods they describe.
54.  Organize your own army and advance on Washington.
55.  Tell the psychiatrist that if he doesn't let you into the Army you'll kill him.
56.  Turn yellow.
57.  Infiltrate your local board.
58.  Don't agree to anything.
59.  Contract Addison's disease.
60.  Contract Parkinson's disease.
61.  Contract Bright's disease.
62.  Contract Hodgkin's disease.
63.  Contract Cushing's disease.
64.  Contract Fröhlich's syndrome.
65.  Announce that you have become the bridegroom of the Virgin Mary.
66.  Announce that you have become the bridegroom of Jesus Christ.
67.  Get your friends to crucify you.
68.  Counterfeit money and omit the motto In God We Trust.
69.  Become a publisher of smut and filth.
70.  Become the publisher of the Little Mao Tse-tung Library.
71.  Prove the Brezhnev is a Trotskyite wrecker.
72.  Burn down the building located at 39 Whitehall Street.
73.  . . . 450 Golden Gate Ave.
74.  . . . 536 South Clark Street.
75.  . . . 55 Tremont Street.
76.  . . . 916 G Street NW.
77.  Burn down the Pentagon.
78.  Burn baby burn.
79.  Write a best-selling novel which portrays the CIA as incompetent.
80.  Catch St. Anthony's fire.
81.  Say you'd be happy to serve because it'll be easier to kill the fucken Americans who are interfering with the freedom of Viet Nam.
82.  Recite the Pledge of Allegiance 2400 times a day.
83.  Cut off your ears.  In ancient times no animal was sacrificed unless it was a perfect specimen.
84.  Cut off your left ear and send it to the draft board.
85.  Grow a tail.
86.  Learn to talk with your anus.
87.  Become a graduate student in a subject vital to the national security, such as the epistemology of phenomenological methodology.  Achieve your degree only after fifteen years of 2-S.
88.  Grow old fast, or
89.  When you reach the age of 17 don't get any older.
90.  Drink an elixir that will cause you to shrink to a height of 2 feet 3 inches.
91.  Buy a slave and send him in your place.
92.  Take your girlfriend with you when you get called and insist that you will not serve unless you can sleep with her at night.
93.  Take your boyfriend with you when you get called and insist that you will not serve unless you can sleep with him at night.
94.  Take your mother with you when you get called and insist that you will not serve unless you can sleep with her at night.
95.  Take your chihuahua with you when you get called and insist that you will not serve unless you can sleep with it at night.
96.  Wet your bed.
97.  When the doctor tells you to spread your cheeks, let him see the firecracker you planted there beforehand.
98.  Handcuff yourself to Lenin's tomb.
99.  Handcuff yourself to Nicholas Katzenbach and shout: "We shall not be moved!"
100.  Travel to Havana.
101.  Grow a long straggly black beard with maggots crawling all over it.
102.  Travel to Hanoi.
103.  Travel to Pyongyang.
104.  Travel to Peking.
105.  Travel to Washington and tell them you intend to travel to one or more of the above.
106.  Publish a satirical pamphlet purporting to advise young men how to beat the draft.
107.  Tell the psychiatrist that you are a closet queen.
108.  Tell the security officer that you are a brother of Allen Ginsburg.
109.  Tell the security officer that you are a brother of Ralph Ginzburg.
110.  Hand out copies of this book at the induction center.  When they tell you you cannot do this, ask if it's all right if you sell them.
111.  Make sure that by one method or another you get to see the psychiatrist.  Do not let them rush you through without your chance.  If necessary you should faint, scream, or start crying.
112.  Give the psychiatrist your standard three-minute lecture in favor of bisexuality, being sure to mention again and again that animals do it.
113.  Tell them that you will leap into your grave laughing.
114.  Run for the House of Representatives on the platform that Red China should be invited to send its surplus population to colonize New York and Arizona.
115.  Commence psychotherapy with Dr. Robert Soblen.
116.  Ask Gus Hall to go down to the induction center for you the day you are called.
117.  Write a letter to the New York Daily News stating that the Viet Cong are nothing more than peace-loving agrarian reformers.
118.  Use an American flag for a breechclout.
119.  Contract tertiary syphilis.
120.  Steal a laser and fight it out with the CIA.
121.  Develop bleeding stigmata.
122.  Cop out.
123.  Conspire with a known homosexual in the Soviet embassy in Ankara.
124.  Conspire with a known homosexual in the U.S. embassy in Ankara.
125.  Become chairman of the Committee to Legalize Marijuana.
126.  Develop an otherworldly metaphysical system and live by its precepts.
127.  Cut off your head.
128.  Cut off your sergeant's head.  (NAPA)*
129.  Walk into the induction center carrying an octopus.

* Not a pacifist act.

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This site was last updated 08/24/02