What I Really Meant To Say
by NeverMore

It took me by surprise
When I saw you standing there
Close enough to touch
Breathing the same air
You asked me how I'd been
I guess that's when I smiled
and said just fine
Oh but baby I was lying

She arrived later than I did at the party. It didn't really surprise me. She had better things to do. Other people to see. Someone else to see, I should say. She, ofcourse, had moved on. It had only been two months. I guess two months is long enough for someone to get over a heartache. If that's what it was for her. It was worse for me. A heart shatter. I don't even remember what exactly happened. Just one day we were perfect. then the next we weren't. She never really gave me an explanation, a reason for leaving. Only, that it was better for her and me in the long run.

"Is there someone else?" I had asked.

"No Nick, of course not. I would never cheat on you."

She brushed her bangs away from her eyes. I tried to meet her eyes, but she only looked away. "Then what? Why are we over? Why are you leaving me?" She sighed, "I told you. It's better if we end "us" now." "Better for you or better for us?" I questioned. "Better for us. Nick, don't look at me like I'm a monster. You know I would never intentionally hurt you." I looked at her with anger,"Yeah ok, like this isn't hurting me." Her features softened,"You know what I mean Nick." "Please just go, you said your goodbye. There's nothing left to say." I bit my lip. "Nick it doesn't have to end this way." "Yea it does. Just please go." I whispered. How could she?

Interrupting my thoughts,"Nick? Hey how are you?" Looking up from my drink, there she was. "I well, I'm good. Really good." I smiled at her. "You?"

What I really meant to say
Is I'm dying here inside
and I miss you more each day
There's not a night I haven't cried
and baby here's the truth
I'm still in love with you
That's what I really meant to say

"Really? Well, I'm doing wonderful. I'm sure you know I've met someone and-"

"Yea I heard. I'm glad you're happy. You are happy right?" I interrupted.

She grinned,"Oh yea. I'm completely happy."

I nodded and smiled a little, "Great."

She smiled akwardly,"Yea, Great."

For moments we both shared one of those horrible silences.

"Listen I.."

"Hey I should be getting back." She said quickly.

I nodded and smiled,"Sure."

And as you walked away
The echo of my words
Cut just like a knife
Cut so deep it hurt
I held back the tears
Held onto my pride
and watched you go
I wonder if you'll ever know

Why did I tell her I was doing good? Why didn't I just tell her, 'Oh I've been crying myself to sleep holding the shirt you forgot when you left. I also feel like it's hopeless for me to find anyone else cuz I'm still fucking in love with you' Yea...that would have been the right thing to say.

Sighing I put down my drink. I could have stopped her. I could have said something.

She's so beautiful. Standing in her dress laughing with her friends. They were once my friends to. But, you know, they are actually her friends. Mine only because of her. Now that she was gone, the were gone too. Funny how people are. She brushed her bangs out of her eyes again. I used to do that for her. It was something I loved doing. Everytime I did, our eyes would meet. I loved looking in her eyes.

What I really meant to say
Is that I'm really not that strong
No matter how I try
I'm still holding on
and baby
Here's the honest truth
I'm still in love with you

I finally got my courage and walked up behind her. I could smell her. It was the simple perfume she always wore. I took a deep breath and before I could say a word she turned around.

"Woah, didn't expect to see you there." She laughed. "I uh..oops didn't realize I was standing so close. I um didn't even see you there. I guess I just wasn't paying attention." I stammered.

"Oh so you don't need anything?" She smiled at me.

"Me? I oh no. Nothing." I smiled and walked off and out the door.

That's what I really meant to say

**lyrics by Cyndi Thompson

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