D I S C L A I M E R
These are my poems, my useless thoughts and ramblings. If you know me, they may be about you. They may not be. Many times they are based on real people and real situations.
Other times they are not. Other times they are about you, but they are so exagerated that they aren't about you anymore. Deal with it.
They capture whatever is going on in my mind at the current moment.
If you can't take that then go the hell away. And don't start fights with me about what you see here. No one said it was about you anyway, did they?
M A K E - M E - S M I L E
if you want to make me smile, tell me what you think. IM me or e-mail me and let me know what you think.
she looked over her old thoughts all those dreams that they would be together forever but she noticed something different as she read over her past life she realized she saw the end before it ever came months in advance even and even though she had been prepared when the end finally came to reality she hadn't been ready for the pain she hadn't been ready for the harsh things he said in the weeks before hand she never expected him to be like that but as time went on she knew she would learn to trust again she would learn to watch herself more careful and maybe next time she would learn to read in between the lines to stop her heart from breaking before it ever really began
She loved him. She loved him more than she ever thought it was possible to love someone. But one day there was a fight. Words were said that were never meant and he was gone. Out into the cold, dark night she walked. Contemplating his words, considering her actions. Letting the tears freeze to her face as the snow fell around her. She followed the footprints back to her home and noticed that his walked away in a direction she could never follow.
Years later she started her career. A popular deejay on the local radio station. She grew in fame and met many bands, always wondering if she'd see him again. And everyone offered to set her up on this date and that. But they never felt right to her becuase the dates were never with him.
And then one day he appeared. The guitarist for the new local band. She interviewed them and remained cool, barely giving him a look of recognition. And as he walked away for the second time, she felt her heart sink. Another member said "Join us at the party tonight" and she started to decline. But she saw the look in his eyes as she started her denial and offered to rearrange plans. She left work in a hurry and dressed herself up right. She went to the party and smiled politiely as his family hugged her. She went to the bar as the band began to play and she felt his eyes on her as the vocalist sang.
"You were the first girl I ever cared for/ And you're the one I always wanted to be ther for/ And when those words were said and done/ I wished we could go back to day one/ I never wanted to spend a day without you by my side/ Every day I've been without you I have sat and cried It wasn't over then and I still isn't over for me/ So won't you take me back, baby, please?"
And she looked into his eyes and saw the pain. And she put her hand to her cheek to feel where the tears had left their permanent stain. She whispered "yes" and she saw him grin. And for the first time in years she felt complete again. And they left the party, his arms around her once more, and picked up where they were once before. And from that day forward, they never did part. And they lived happily ever after, with their fresh new start.
it's hard to understand you at times no, i shouldn't say that it's hard to understand me i understand you perfectly
you tell me to do things, not in a "this is an order" way, but you tell me things to protect me from being hurt over and over again
and yet time and time again i choose to ignore you and risk my heart again i don't know why i do it or why i get angry at you when i do
i know you don't like to see me hurt but i don't like to see others in pain either and i can't just ignore them when they're hurting i don't know why i'm making excuses though
because i know you're right all along i don't know what i'm saying anymore i've gone and confused myself again and that's why i love you in my life
another year ending a new one about to begin my second new year with him and my second new year as a college kid my nineteenth new year alive
so much has happened this year so many relationships have changed so many people have shifted so many many things different than all the years before
and next year will be the same while everything is completely different new experiencs, new ideas new paths for us to take every day new lives for us to lead
and maybe this new year will be better or maybe it will be worse no one can say for sure right now it's starting off on a sour note but that can change quickly
so here's a toast for the nights to come and a toast to the nights that have passed a wish on a star for all good things and as the clock countsdown i wish for you that this year be amazing
jealousy that green-eyed monster that ruins relationships of all kinds it's the only explanation for the dirty looks and nasty glares at least the only one i can think of i've found a new friend and you don't want to be replaced but if you keep up this way you will be not because of her, because of you because you are driving me insane and i can only speculate it's because you're jealous but even if it's not could you at least talk to me and let me know what the hell is going on?
ok i think i've got it this time clear-cut and concise...
your attitude - unbearable your mood swings - annoying listening to you bitch about a mess you didn't clean - ridiculous trying to talk to you just to be glared at - upsetting having fun times like last year - amazing enjoying ourselves and having fun again - awesome feeling guilty about bitching to everyone - bad dealing with your bad attitudes and mood swings - stressful wondering what i did to make you hate me constantly - upsetting discovering your hypocrises - frusturating
but how long is it going to be until you grow up and talk to someone about these problems? how much longer until we find a solution that works? because i'll tell you now, i'm not leaving the suite that my lottery number got us with the suitemates i picked out for us i'm having fun here, if you don't like that go fuck yourself i'm not going to give up my good times for you but i do want you to drop your attitude, it's not wanted or needed and if you have a problem with me tell me to my face i'm sick of your bullshit and i don't want to stress myself out anymore my stress is over and if you don't like that go live somewhere else.
another sleepless night stressing over this crap i can't believe someone who is supposed to be my friend would put me through all of this how am i supposed to enjoy my life when i have you acting like a bitch all the time? you're not a morning person and you have bad days constantly you're always stressed out and don't do anything about it you drive people crazy with your mood swings and attitudes ok, so it's mainly me you drive crazy but it's completely unfair to me! why do i have to be subjected to this? and don't say i'm your roommate, i'll just have to deal no i don't and i don't want to anymore if it wasn't so close to break i'd kick you out find someone else to deal with you because i won't take it anymore i can tell you right now if this attitude isn't gone by january i will be calling RAs and getting you moved i found us suitemates and my lottery number got us the room i like where i am i just don't like your attitudes and i'm not going to leave my friends because of your fucked up whiny little bitch excuses because i'm sorry but you can't flip out about the mess on the floor unless you were the one sitting on your ass cleaning it up and you weren't I WAS so get the fuck over it already!!!!!!!!!!!!
it seems you're all i think about lately and i don't mean that as a compliment you're stressing me out and it's not fair because all i've ever done is try to make your life easier or better for you i've tried to be a friend i've tried being quiet when i know it's your day to sleep in late and not have classes but i can't deal with this attitude anymore it seems all i do is piss you off and you don't want to hate me but i'm sick of being the friend who gets shit on and that's how i feel i've told you in the past i'll be here if you need me but all you need me for is a punching bag and i don't appreciate this crap you're a fucking hypocrit yelling when people don't clean up after themselves in the suite of eight girls but then you leave your crap around anyway you freak out over little stupid things that you don't even take care of in the end yes that mess has been sitting there for a while but i cleaned it up today, not you i'm the one who sat on the floor for five minutes with a bottle of windex and paper towels wiping until the spot was clean you just bitched about it for three weeks and then threatened to throw it in someone's bed if it ever happened again it's happened twice so far this year, that's not too bad when you have eight girls plus friends and boyfriends things get messy at times, it sucks but it happens i don't know what else you want me to say but i'm tired of your bullshit and i'm tired that it's always directed at me it's not fair grow the fuck up already
why am i even wasting my time? trying to get you to join the fun when you'd obviously rather not it seems like you enjoy being alone even though we all want you to join us if it's about drinking, don't worry yes, we'll probably try to convince you to have a beer with us but if you really don't want to we'll stop harassing you soon because we know how you act but honestly i'm sick of these games i don't know what i've done wrong is it because my mom came up while you weren't here and took everyone to the mall? is it because i'm having fun this year? because i'm not afraid to go out and party and to laugh and to drink and to enjoy living with my new suitemates everyone can see how upset you are but no one knows how to approach you i don't know what i've done wrong and i feel like this is all my fault somehow but i know deep down that it has absolutely nothing to do with me it's all you and your problems i just get them taken out on me i guess but there's not much more i can do i've already held your hand through a simple task like talking to the registrar about taking your extra classes and i try to include you when we as a suite try to do something together but apparently you don't want that you'd rather get mad at those of us who go out and have fun then join the crowd and enjoy yourself and it's not like you've never gone out drinking with friends before you pass yourself off as someone who goes out drinking all the time with your school and camp friends but i don't know how to handle this so i'm just going to say i'm here if you want to talk instead of get mad at me and if your problem is me just say it we'll work things out like friends do but i'm not going to let you drag me down i'm not going to let you treat me this way it won't happen anymore i refuse and that's that
i'm so sorry for everything i said and did whatever it was that upset you i apologize for ten-fold i never want to feel this way again so upset i could cry even though i don't know what to be upset about so scared that something bad is goingto come out of this, that everything will be my fault
i'm scared of a lot of things i'm scared of what could have happened last night i'm scared of what you may have done i'm scared of why you did it i'm scared of what's happening to you i'm scared that something bad is going to happen because as i see it, no good can come of this i'm so scared that i could lose you either from your stupidity or mine i'm so scared that something bad is going to happen please God just tell me he's okay and that we'll be okay because all I really want is to spend the rest of my life with him in his arms and now i'm scared that it's not going to happen
sick to my stomach my minds in a daze can't concentrate on anything all my thoughts are you so confused by what's happening just waiting for your call i need to know what's going on so i'll sit here and wait for as long as it takes but i'll let you know i'm getting impatient
and i try to do my work to distract me of thoughts of you but it's not going to work you're all i think about every moment, every hour, every day you are the best thing to ever happen to me and i'm terrified at what happened last night i'm just so scared to lose you...
i don't know if i'm shaking because of the cold or because i don't know what's happening anymore all of my dreams feel like they're crashing down and running out the back door and i don't want this to be the end of what i believed would be longer than forever but i'm so scared that we're hurting ourselves like cancer, slowly killing ourselves from the inside and i don't want to just back down and give up without a fight but i'm so tired from staying up a nd thinking about what's going wrong i'm so scared something happened that i'm not going to want to hear and the part that pisses me off is that you didn't want me to do what you ended up doing take your own advice you asshole but see, now i feel bad i don't want to be mad at you, but i don't know what to feel right now i'm so confused, so torn apart, i can't wait for you to call i'm angry and sad, upset and hurt, i want to cry and scream but it's only eight in the morning and the rest of the suite is asleep so i can't do any of that now. i'll just have to settle for sitting in the lounge typing out my heart onto my stupid little webpage waiting for you to call me and break my heart with what you say