12.02.01: bright sunny sunday. It only signifies one thing: the weekend is almost over. --must savor moment-- came back from new york around 3 am this morning.
New York was great. It started out pretty horrible though. For instance, I overslept. We were supposed to meet at 6:45 am but when i looked at my alarm clock that morning, it was already past 7! Luckily, one of the other drivers wasn't at the meeting place, so nobody had left yet. Ken, Christine and I rode in Ken's car, and the two of them ended up playing the band's game the entire time. I bailed out within the first fifteen minutes. After all, I don't know a lot of band names... But the two of them ended up playing forever, and the rest of the ride there was pretty uneventful. We got to Mitsuwa, shopped around a little there, then we boarded a shuttle which took us to the city (Mitsuwa is in Edgewater, NJ). The entire day we shopped. I ended buying a lot of stuff I'm glad I'm bought now, including a dress for the formal... But one thing about the dress. It really shows my pearness. Gross. I think my body shape is gross. The dress just accentuates it all that more, so i didn't like it 100% but it's still a nice dress.
I just tried it on again, and it's not as bad as I was exaggerating it to be in my mind, but still, the hips are just too obvious. Hmm... I hope the mirror isn't one of those skinny mirrors.
Anyway, last night, on our way home from New York, we stopped by Christine's house! Her house is so awesome. It's big, spacious and clean, but I can still imagine it being a home. She has an in-ground pool which was covered, but still it must be so awesome living in her house. I kept thinking back to home, and strangely I wasn't really jealous. I still like our slowly delipadating house... hehe. oh the memories. Well, I got a lot planned for today, one of which is cleaning and doing laundry. ^^12.3.01: Learned helplessness. Why even bother trying when I already know the miserable outcome? How much effort do I have to put into this so that I can break out of this cycle? I hate calc and I hate calc quizzes, tests, whatever. So tonight I will blame "learned helplessness" for me being lazy and writing this out instead of studying. I'm just so tired. blahty blah blah. Today was a boring day but almost everyday is a boring day now. Received an email from a lady who wants me to write her son's name in korean. That ought to be interesting. Thursday mom's coming with the present, food and money. I can't wait. Friday is the big "freshman formal". oh goody goody goody. sike. I'm not really into dances and formals and stuff like that. I'm only going because I have nothing better to do with my wasteful time. Plus I got the dress so I might as well just go. heh. I'll get excited thursday evening, but right now I feel like shit and I think I'm becoming shit as I sit here and stare at my calc notebook with a vacant space in my head. I realized today that I think most everyone in my foundation seminar is stupid and uninteresting. Actually, i shouldn't say that. I'll name people because naming people is always fun and scandalous. Carrie, hilary, alison, katie, carmen, mike, alisha, shannon, and laura. Mike and alisha are my hallmates but, jesus, I hate their stories. I hate all their stories, because it's bad writing and when I see bad writing, I start making bad writing too and so maybe i'm only angry because i'm writing badly along with them. Sorta feel like they're dragging me down with them.
Must start studying-- so tomorrow, I think I will definitely meet that lady to write her son's name and I think I will go to class, eat lunch, come back, go meet, waste time a bit and then finally start the meeting marathon. It'll be fun. shit.12.5.01: Bad grades frustrate the hell out of me. Worse even when I get bad grades in classes that I snub off as easy. Gosh. It's horrible too when I look around and see other people with better grades. It KILLS ME! Stabs at my heart and eats away at it. I was feeling a bit sulky today since even though i'm relieved i got a b on my calc exam, i realize now that i could have gotten an a.
I just had a thought. I still enjoy singing. It's pretty obvious that my voice has gone but still, I enjoy singing. GGGGGGGGGGGer. I just think of the possibilities and then my heart feels so sore. Well, mom comes tomorrow. yay~ Really looking forward to that.12.6.01: Lost my glasses again.. By again, I mean within the last day. After having left my glasses at Roberts two days ago, I went into a frantic craze, looking under every rock and dust particle wondering where my glasses went. Then I remembered Roberts, and I went there and walla, there they were. So I bring them to my room... warn myself about a similar situation happening in the near-future and place them on my desk. Or so I thought. I could have sworn I put them RIGHT on my desk. They're not there anymore though. Ever since then, I've been looking for them again. Isn't thiscrazy? Don't you see why I'm stressed? ER! I'm irresponsible, and I know it.
12.9.01: glasses problem has been solved. I'm wearing them right now. Turns out I put them in my vests pocket and in actuality I had never set them on my desk. Strange how my mind twists facts around, eh? I've had a pretty relaxful weekend. By relaxful, meaning that I got no work done. Went to the formal friday, then to perkins, and last night I went to the Bucknell Symphony thing. I thought the orchestra itself was pretty good, but the sound was muffled in the auditorium and I didn't like the selection of songs. Christine and I hung out with Wil and Griffin (gryffindor.. hehe, from harry potter) and watched Rush Hour 2 and Top Gun in Wil's room afterward. We didn't get back til 4 in the morning. I was tired as hell, but we trekked all the way from Larison to New Res without any incidents. Except one. Some drunk assholes standing on the side of the street (there were three of them and they were standing by the downhill side of the LC) , were calling out to us. At first, Christine and I didn't think much of it and shrugged them off, but then they started making racial comments about karate and shit like that. Fuckin' assholes. They deserve to get their tongues ripped out of their mouths. I doubt they ever have anything good or important to say anyway. This way, it does a world a favor. I'm so good aren't I? Looking out for the world the way I do.^^ It's already 8:03 and I haven't started work. Sounds about right. We're ordering chinese tonight. I haven't had chinese food in awhile so it should be pretty good.
12.17.01: absolutely dreading tomorrow's japanese final. ugh. i'm not sure how i'm supposed to study, and meanwhile, i'm sitting here staring off into space and feeling tired. Right now, I just forced myself to stay away from the bed and prevent what could have been a 10 hour nap. I need to study!! I even brought my mom's japanese books (which are in korean). der. Plus, i have a final on thursday too. i can't wait till all this crap is done and over with.
12.19.00: I feel panicky. I've begun to nip at my fingertips. I hate the way I get so stressed over finals. It only accentuates my nerd-ness and me just saying that doubles it. I wish there was a way that a test could peer into my soul and just know that I knew it and give me a good word. I feel alone.
Looking back on this semester, I think things went quite unalarmingly. I've discovered that I'm still me, but that everyone else has changed. I don't know what to do. Should I change too? I mean, I've already started to. I can feel myself resisting and absorbing it all the same. I'm frightened. I'm vulnerable. I feel like I have something to hide.
I'm fancifree. I'm optimstic and a hopeful. I'm an idealist and naive. I think unicorns and fairies still exist and that someday I will have magic powers. I do. But people like that are a rariety. In this world, (in this bucknell world), nobody understands so I keep it closed. I say stupid things and smile afterward and pretend I made a bad joke (most often it is a bad joke). Why can't i find a person at bucknell who INTRIGUES and FASCINATES me? I look around, and there are a lot of people I don't know. They look flat and I don't care for them. What's wrong with me? Why is it that I create this pilar of isolation for myself? I have always created a wall between myself and almost every person that I have known. Even Jieun. There wasn't a wall before when my thoughts were immature and I didn't understand anything, but there is now, because I think I see things. I think I'm beginning to understand myself and what I'm after. It's not about beauty, and it's not about success. It's the feeling of happiness. It's that refreshing wind of happiness that gets trapped in your lungs and doesn't ever come out.
So many times, people settle. That makes me sad, because like I said, I think ideally. Ideally, you shouldn't settle. You shouldn't be just satisfied. I'm scared of settling. I'm normal and mediocre in so many things i'm do, and I absolutely HATE it and hate myself when I am. I love to be the best, but nobody's seen it yet. I keep that part of me locked up.
I'm a hopeful wreck.
december.. it's sometime between christmas and new years.... went to kop last night to the imax theater adn watched lord of teh rings again. it was good, but i started noticing little mistakes here and there. heh. i'm sick again. i have a nasty cough and my nose runs 24/7. i can't sleep. mom and i are still fighting our little war over the car. i'll hide the keys, but this house is full of spies (namely my brother). i go out but i'm not sure exactly what it is that i did or am doing. grr. i can't believe this is my break. i wish i could have gone somewhere. i'm leaving for poconos tomorrow and will be back after new years.
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