Your friends or relatives have experienced the loss of their baby. Whether through miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death, they will be experiencing many emotions. They may feel lost, overwhelmed, confused, hurt, ashamed, angry, guilty, frustrated, alone, worthless, cheated, embarrassed and many other emotions, all of which are painful, sometimes overwhelming and perfectly normal.

They will need your understanding and support over the next year or so, as they go through mood swings and reactions that will not seem logical. The parents will need to talk about their baby a lot, especially at the beginning. Go over the details of the pregnancy and birth many times. Please listen as these are the only memories they have of their child and memories are important in the grieving process.

Remember also that each person grieves individually and this is no different with your friends. They will have different needs at different times. Many couples find this difficult as they often expect to grieve together. As men and women grieve differently this will mean that they express their grief in different ways and what they need from you will be different.

Whilst time will help heal the hurt they are feeling now, it will not erase their memories of their child. They will feel sad at Christmas and on birthdays, anniversaries and other significant days for many years or, more probably, forever.

All people grieve differently and at their own pace. Don't expect them to 'get over it' quickly because you think they should or ' it would be for the best ' or because someone else did. It can take many months or years to come to terms with the death of a baby and this is perfectly normal. There are no rules in grief.

Having another baby will not take their hurt away. Many families and friends expect that once the couple are pregnant again that all will be well, the same expectations may exist when the couple have a healthy baby. The actuality is that the couple may feel a resurgence of the grief they originally felt. They have also experienced first hand the fact that babies do die and they may be very anxious during the pregnancy and while their baby is young.

You may also notice that the parents relationship with the children they have may change, this is also a normal part of their grief. They may find it difficult to deal with their children and may want less than normal to do with them, This is because their grief takes a great deal of energy. They may on the otherhand find it very difficult to allow their other children out of their sight and may be fearful of their safety.

PLEASE DO

• Use his or her name when talking about the baby. This shows the parent that you see their baby as a real individual.

• Be there, offer to help if you can. Don't be offended if the offer is not accepted, do offer again later but don't take over.

• Listen, whenever they want to talk. It is important to the parents to have someone they can talk to at any time and know it doesn't matter if they say the same thing every time.

• Express your feelings. Something that will upset your friend or relative is that society in general, does not realize just how much a baby's death really hurts. They need to know that their baby's death has affected you.

• Allow them to express their grief. They will need to cry and go over it many times.

• Accept their feelings regardless of whether or not they seem rational to you. The parents need to know there is someone to whom they can say exactly how they feel without having to rationalize their feelings or fear judgement of their feelings.

• Allow and accept expressions of guilt, anger or blame. These may not seem rational to you but are a normal part of grief and are difficult to work through if others do not accept them.

• Spend time with the baby's siblings. They will be experiencing a range of feelings they may have never felt before. They will need much support. Be careful not to take over. Find out what their parents have told them and how what has happened was explained to them. Respect and support their parents' decisions in this area.

• Remember the father, he too is grieving but is often overlooked by people. He may have difficulty in expressing his feelings and may feel he has to be strong for everyone else. Give him permission to grieve. Remember to ask how he is coping.

• Remember birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Day, Fathers Day and other significant occasions. On these special days the parents will need extra support and understanding.

• Remember baby's birth and death days. Phone, send a card or flowers, make a donation to a charity in the baby's name. Acknowledge that you understand that this baby lives on in his or her parents hearts.

PLEASE DON'T.

• Use clichés like :

• These may be partially true but they deny the individuality of the child and his or her importance to the parents.

• Say I know how you feel. You have no idea how they feel, unless you also have lost a baby and even then you can't know exactly as everybody's grief is unique.

• Judge their feelings. They have enough to cope with without having to justify their feelings or reactions to anyone. There is no 'normal' way to react and they need to know that you accept them as they are.

• Avoid the subject. It will help the parents to know you remember their baby. That you realize that their baby is constantly on their mind. Even if talking about him or her makes them cry, these are tears that need to be shed. Don't think that you have upset them. They are already upset, you have allowed them to express their pain.

• Offer to put away the baby's things. This is something most parents will want and need to do themselves when they feel ready. Don't rush them. This is part of saying goodbye.

REMEMBER

That the next pregnancy will be filled with worry, anxiety alongside the joy. Your friends or family will need someone to talk to and cry on. Don't offer clichés like ' don't worry' or ' it will be all right this time '. Instead listen to their fears and talk about what can be done to lessen them.

Remember too that a healthy baby will not replace the one who died and the parents may experience a renewed sense of grief for the baby who died. They will again need your support and understanding at this time.

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