ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP

The loss of a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth , neonatal death is a devastating and trying time for both parents. You will both be experiencing intense emotions that may at times feel overwhelming. Feelings of great sadness, loss, anger and guilt are normal. You may feel numb, confused, frustrated, worthless and alone. All these and many more feelings are normal in the grieving process.

Remember that your partner is experiencing the same feelings and is also feeling alone. This is a time to try to be together and share your emotions. Remember that all people express their feelings in different ways and so does your partner. Many couples who experience the death of a baby face communication and sexuality problems.

Try to Avoid Marital Conflict

• Open the communication channels. You have gone through crises before (even if they were small in comparison) you can pull through this one.

• It helps to share your feelings with your partner. You may find that in doing so, the burden will feel less unbearable.

• Develop an understanding of grieving. You will find that you will grieve together but also individually. Each spouse needs to feel secure that what they do together as a couple and alone is right and normal.

• Have patience with your partner and respect the fact they may be grieving differently to you. This will help your relationship.

• Find other couples who have gone through the same experience and share your feelings. This will help you to accept that what you are both going through is normal.

• If you seem unable to work through things yourselves professionals, doctors, social workers, counsellors are available to help you understand your thoughts and feelings.

For mothers

• You need to grieve in your own way whenever and wherever you want. Your reactions are normal.

• Do not feel obligated to follow any social expectations.

• Try to understand your partner’s feelings. Try to see behind any walls he might have erected to hide his feelings because of the role that society expects him to play ( the protector). The fact that he is not talking about his feelings does not mean he is not feeling. Men are less inclined to talk about things than women.

• Try not to play host with your friends and relatives at the expense of your time with your partner.

For fathers

• Express your emotions. They are valid and need to be expressed in a way you find comfortable.

• Crying is normal and does not take away from ones manliness.

• Let your partner know that you care for her and the baby. She will want to know this.

• Make time to spend with your partner You need to steady yourselves to cope with all the outside pressures.

• Share the decision process.

• Establish good communication with your partner. This is the most important factor that will help you both through this.
• Try to understand your partner’s feelings. Try to see behind any walls she might have erected to hide her feelings.

Try to Avoid Sexual Conflicts

• Give yourself time before you plan for another pregnancy. Obsession with the idea of pregnancy is not the same as an honest desire to have a child. You cannot replace the baby you lost.

• A lot of people are afraid of becoming pregnant again this is normal. Look at why you are afraid. You know from personal experience that babies can and do die but remember that one loss does not mean another is inevitable.

• Your fear of pregnancy can be tempered through the use of contraception. Consult your family doctor.

• Try not to allow sex to become mechanical. Sexuality is the most intimate method of self-expression and love. Be patient and allow yourselves time.

• Don’t punish yourselves. You have lost your baby but you need not forego the pleasures of life. It is possible and OK to enjoy things while you are grieving.

• Remember you are not alone. Try not to allow your loss to lower your self esteem

• A decreased sex drive can be a normal characteristic of grief. In time, as the grief resolves your old desires will return. You are not physiologically impotent or frigid.

• Change your environment. Try to create an atmosphere that is sexually stimulating for you and your partner.

• Seek professional help. Sex therapy is available and your family doctor can help you or refer you to help.

• Remember that sex is a form of communication. Don’t close your channels of communication. Try not to let your loss affect your love for each other negatively.

Your relationship

• This is a difficult time for you both. If you feel you are not able to keep open communication in your relationship, do seek relationship counseling. Having to seek counseling does not mean that there is anything abnormal about either of you or about your relationship. What it does mean is that you both have a commitment to get through this very difficult time together.

• Relationships do break up following the death of a baby and you need to be aware of this so that you can nurture your own relationship.
• You both need time together and time apart. Your expectations of each other and the support you want from each other will vary.
• Remember that you will not always be sad at the same time. In fact, many couples find, particularly after a while, when one of them is "up and coping" the other is "down and not coping".
• Try to be supportive of each others' outside commitments. It is difficult to be "in control" for work, half an hour after being in pieces at home. It is also difficult to be "in control" after being at home alone all day.

Your families

• Your children now, as at any time need your consistency as parents. Try to discuss what they are to be told and how you will manage their questions and behavior together.

• Some couples may find that their parents or in - laws become difficult to manage.
• They may become very protective of their child - your partner. They may be blaming of one or other of you. They may be very supportive of you both.
• Try not to align yourself with your parents rather than you partner, they both have a place in your life.

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