Breaking the Cycle

I have two beautiful gifts from God.
My children are my angles.
I wanted to break the cycle with them.
I wanted them to know what I did not always know.
I wanted them to experience love
and acceptance from a church.
I did not want them condemned for the same sins I was.
Sins that I didn’t even commit.
My mother tried the best she could with me.
But, what do you do with a child that is
condemned from conception.
A child that the church tells you will pay for your sins
and everything that happens to you
and your other children is not your fault
but, the child’s for being conceived.
What do you do with a child that you never expected
or wanted in the first place.

My mother was raised in a Catholic home.
She went to Catholic School.
Shouldn’t she try to do the same for her own children?
Do the same so, they have a religion?
That was all she knew so, the child was baptized.
Baptized even though child would not be wash from the
sins of her mother and father.
Sins that she would never be able to live down.
Sins that would almost crush the child
and force the child to live with an unimaginable,
to most, amount of guilt.
This child that from an early age
would be called Sac-religious…
Not even knowing what exactly it meant
but, knowing it was nothing good.

One thing to do is send the child as much as possible to others.
Sending them to someone that wanted the child,
your mistake, in the first place but,
you couldn’t bear to give your mistake away permanently.
These do treat this child as their own.
However, this is not always good.
For something happens to this child.
Something that is unbearable for the child to take.
This something happens several times threw out the years.
This child becomes afraid
of one of the people who claim to love her.
This child is dedicated but, not to God.
This child is forever not the same.
This child then looses herself.
Not yet grown she is then rip from these people.
She is now thrown into another traumatic situation.
She no longer has these two people whom
she has been with most of her 10 years.
She also, is taken away from the rest of the people around her.
Her friends and her family.

A fight has happened but, she does not know.
She tries her hardest thinking
she did something to cause all of this.
But, to no avail.
For years she will remember that most of her happy
memories were in that place she can no longer go.
Yet, in the way back of her mind
she also remember fear.
She is torn.
She loves these people…
She loves the place…
She had friends…
She got to see the family…
She got to play…
She did have some love…
But, there is fear in the way back too.
She does not know why.

The child is placed into a Catholic School and religious classes.
She is also put into the girl scouts
run by the catholic church she goes too.
The priest tells her he knows her.
That he knows her sins
as he rubs himself on her as often as he can.
The nuns point out at every turn were she is failing
in being a good catholic and how sacreligious she is.
She has how evil and bad she is drilled in her head.
She is told she shall never make anything good of
herself and will never be welcomed into heaven.
How her mother’s problems are the result of her and
because of that her and her mother are unworthy of anything.

As time goes on she is able to go back to that place.
But, not with the people.
There is another that will take her.
That lives right across the street.
She can see the people.
But, something has changed.
The woman is now sick.
The fear of the man cause her to avoid him at all costs.
However, she still can’t explain it.
Now she has also realized that she afraid.
Afraid of the place behind there house.
She can not go across the stream behind there house.
It takes all her strength she has to even get close to it.
She tries to be close to the woman but, it is to no avail,
the woman has found a replacement and is ill.

Again a fight happens.
Again the child is ripped from what few people care.
Again the child has no idea why but, tries her
hardest to make it right because it must have been her.
Again she fails.
Again she is a negative, abusive environment.
Which again is all her fault for even being conceived.
She lives in fear.
Not just past fear but, present fear.
Fear that she is destroying her life by continuing to live.
Fear that can’t ever measure up.
Fear that she will be unable to protect her sister.
Fear that she will go to hell and bring all around her with her.
She lives in fear of the past, present, and future.

She longs for something more.
Hope! She prays for forgiveness of being born.
It doesn’t help.
Things get worse.
It must be her fault.
She is now starting to be haunted by the past.
A past that she can’t remember but, won’t let go.
This child is now in her teens.
She tries and tries to end her life.
I would be better for all……
She was going to hell anyways…
It was time to end it.

It never worked.
Things kept getting worse.
She told one of her secretes.
That turned her into a liar,
a slut, a condemned whore…
who caused it all.
She was placed in a hospital then released
because it looked bad on her mother
who thought it looked bad on her…
That her daughter was in the same hospital
she worked for trying to end it.
After that she still was no better so, she was beaten.
That did not work.
She was sent away and threatened with kiddy jail
if she didn’t concede to lies that would make her mother
look good since it wasn’t her fault but, the child’s.
So, the child does.
More fear and memories come.
People tell her that she is lying.
She was just a selfish child.
She pushes them away because it must be right.

The child’s mother severed ties with her.
She is thrown out of one place to be put were she was wanted…
Were things might have changed for her to be ripped out.
Things were going to good and she needed to be sent
to were things were set up as punishment.
A place were things became worse for a while.
Then she unexpectedly got some hope.
Hope in a girl her age.
A girl who she met at a meeting.
A girl that she became best friends with.
After about a month she met the girls parents.
Both Ministers, the were very nice people
and accepted her right away.
This threw her. People of God could accept her.
She hid her secrete for a long time.
Then they became closer with her.
They treated her as part of the family.

She was afraid to tell them of her parents
why she was were she was but,
she felt she had to because
she didn’t want them destroyed with her.
She told them with fear that she would be cast off
and she would no longer be allowed
to be friends with their daughter.
However, this did not happen.
Actually, to the girls shock the reverse happened.
They were more accepting made her part of the family.
They even talked about adoption of the girl.
They explained all of this and why it would not be
possible starting with the fact that she would be
eighteen before it would go threw.
However, they told her that she would always be welcome.
The girl went to the church
that her friends mother was a minister
of one weekend that she got to spend with them.
Everyone she met was accepting of her.

She began to hope.
She then found out that her Godmother…
The woman that had taken her in as a child had died.
She had a hard time.
However, she met an older cousin
that she had been around before both the fights.
A cousin that was accepting of her.
A cousin she remembered as always being accepting.
This child, who was now 17, became close again to this cousin.
This cousin started having her come to her house.
While this was going on the cousin and her
husband had been discussing taking her in.
When they discussed all the pros and cons they decided too.
They had also expressed regret to the girl for not
knowing sooner so, they could take her before.

She came to live with them and experienced
love and acceptance from them.
This started to change her more.
She was no longer devoid of knowing love.
She now had her friends family and part of her own
family to accept her.
Then it came to an end.
Her cousin and husband decided after years of problems
that it was time to end it before things got to bad.
She had to leave.

She went to stay with her aunt to finish school.
Once she graduated she went back
to her mother on her mother’s insistence.
She was happy she thought she had finally got approval.
However, it didn’t last and things started to go down hill.
She lost contact with the caring people that first
started to show her the way and to have hope.
She did because it might upset her mother.
She turned to drugs and alcohol as she did before.
She didn’t go to college.
She ended up in a shelter.
Here she met another angel.
Who challenged her to do more.
To have hope.
The girl started to prove to her
there was no reason for it with her.
However, she was the one that was proven wrong.

The girl still wrestling with a past that was to horrible
to completely remember decided maybe I can help
other’s even if I can’t help myself.
She went to college to be a social worker.
As of yet she has not finished completely but,
that started to change her.
She started working with others that people were afraid too.
She became accepting of people that were not
accepted even if she could not accept herself.

The girl even went back to help her mother in a time of crisis.
She accepted the fact that she would never be accepted.
She almost broke after several years.
She almost went back to the place she was at before.
Several times before.
Yet, she was the best worker with her clients.
Put more energy into their need then herself.

She finally had a revelation that she could survive
on her own and she left.
This was a growing experience,
as well as, a remembering experience.
Those memories that she fought so hard for years to
keep buried start to surface.
She met a group of people on internet that was
accepting and in some ways had the same problems.

Here is were she met her husband for the first time.
He seemed to care about her.
Even after they met.
He knew she had a past but, didn’t seem to care of judge her for it.
He asked her to marry him.
She accepted. The memories continued.
She became pregnant. They became worse.
Her mother finally seemed accepting of her.
She came to see the girl and her new son in law
and hopefully the new baby.
That was not to be. The visit went well.
It was the first time in the girls life that she
could remember that her mother was not critical and
judgmental of everything she said or did.

Her mother left as she was on the way to have the baby.
She was looking forward for the first time of taking
her baby boy to meet her mother in NY.
The girl to that point had not wanted her child or
children to ever be alone or around her mother to much.
She wanted to break the cycle.
Two weeks before they were supposed to leave she got a call.
Her mother was in the hospital with a heart attack.

She did her best to get there.
However, that to was not meant to be.
There was a fire and evacuation as they were supposed
to board the plane that would have gotten the girl,
her husband, and child there in time.
Her mother died 10 minutes after she was supposed to be there.
The girl had no idea.
Did not even think that this was possible.
She thought it was the first…
So, far everyone in her family had survived their first.
When she arrived at the hospital she seen her aunt.
They rushed to the floor her mother was on.
In the hall was her sister and a woman.
The girl thought looked familiar but,
that quickly left when she said,
“I am one of the pastors here at the hospital.
I was with your mother and sister when she passed.”

The girls child had to be taken from her arms.
She lost her composure and was
holding him tight probably too tight.
She was numb.
The woman asked the girl if she would like to go see her.
The girl nodded yes.
After she seen her they all left.
The girl had no idea were the woman went.
Never crossed her mind at the time to wonder.
During the wake the woman showed up.
She spoke to the girl and the girls sister.
She told the girl her baby was beautiful.
The girl lost track of the woman, she left.

The girl became consumed
with taking care of all the arrangements
and final stuff and taking care of the baby.
The girl started to talk to her husband about raising
her child in a church and if he had a preference.
All the while the girl was wanting to break the cycle and
had decided there was no way she was raising the child as a Catholic.
If she could not be accepted she believed they would not accept her child.

The woman started to enter the girls mind.
It hit her who the woman was.
The woman was her friends mother, the Minister.
She felt bad for not being more aware
when she had the chance to see her again.
This woman help change her path.
The girl had another child, a girl.
The girl and her new family moved.

The girl went back to work.
Her husband went to a Church in Casa Grand
for food, Project Manna.
When the girl returned from work her husband raved about
the minister and wanted to go to the church that Sunday.
So, they did.
He was very impressed with it.
They discussed joining.
They went every Sunday that the girl didn’t work.
Her husband was impressed that god seemed to truly be there.
Then they had problems and could not make it there.
As things got better the girl wanted to go back.
However, at this time her husband had seemed to loose interest.

So, she went taking her son and sometimes her niece.
The whole time doing it for the kids.
The first time the girl took her niece they made Sunday School.
The girl was given a list which she read and started to expand.
The list was a list of what “I am in God” with scriptures to back it up.
She mentioned what she was doing and it got a
reaffirming response which she didn’t expect.
Someone even asked her for a copy when she was done.
So she agreed.

One week not saying a word to anyone she came with a question.
A question she didn’t expect to be answered right away.
She wanted a scripture, if there was one, to say that
she might be able to be accepted by God too.
However, she did not get a chance to ask that morning.
However, when they were in the service and the
minister got up he said I don’t know who
but, someone needs to hear this this morning.
He said God accepts everyone and read a scripture.

The girl stood in shock.
She was paralyzed when the preacher
invited people up that felt the need to the alter.
After she got over her shock she went up.
Three ladies came over to pray with her
for guidance and to see what she wanted.
Something else happened.
Something she started to know years ago but, would never admit.
She admitted to the ritual abuse and being dedicated.
They prayed with her.
They asked for her to be guided.
She not only accepted God and Jesus but,
she finally felt accepted.
She listened to there advise.

She went home feeling refreshed and drained at the same time.
When she got home she put her kids
down for their naps and laid down.
She fell asleep.
She awoke feeling a weight had been lifted.
She felt the need to go to the evening service.
So, she took her son and went.
She talked to one of the lady’s and told them that
she didn’t think she would ever admit what she did.
That it wasn’t something easy to admit.
It was something that wasn’t easy to get away from,
it was something that most people do not admit
because it causes them to come after you.
It is dangerous.
She never thought she would ever talk about it again.

However, several days later she did tell someone.
She told her mother in law
what had happened and what she admitted.
How it was like she said it but, couldn’t believe it actually came out.
She decided that she was going to join the church
even if her husband wasn’t going right away.
She started to bring both of her children.
The fear was gone.
She then still thinking she wouldn’t say anything
about it to anyone else told her husband’s aunt.
Then after a few weeks she told her husband.

Then she felt the need she never thought she would feel…
To testify about it in church.
She felt the need to get it out.
She felt the need to stand up and tell all.
She wanted to tell everyone in the service,
“I was a child who was told they were condemned no matter what…
But, I am not…
I am one of God’s Children!
It doesn’t matter that I was condemned to hell
by other and dedicated to the unholy.
I am still one of god’s children
and can enter the gates of heaven.
I started to save my children
from being condemned as I was.
But, in the process I saved myself too!”

Anonymous

Joann's Testimony

Joann, was raise in Upstate New York.
Presently she resides in Arizona.
She is an Associate Pastor of the Nazarene Church I attend.
This is her testimony, of her long journey to were she is now.
She gave this testimony in a Sunday Evening Service
and with her permission I am adding it to my page.

Joann was the oldest daughter in a family of five children,
the 2nd oldest child.
There is a large age span between the first four and the last.
Joann told us how she idolized her father.
She idolized him so much that she longed to be a boy.
She felt that God had made a mistake in making her a girl.
She never wanted to learn “girl” things.
When was growing up she desired to be more like a boy
so she could go with her father as the boys did.

She accepted God at a young age and it was then
she thought her calling was to be a missionary in Africa.
So, she began telling her mother she didn’t need to learn
how to do house work since she was going to live in a hut.
Her hut would have a dirt floor so,
all she would have to do is sweep the dirt.

However, as much as she believed this
there was another plan for her life.
God’s plan would be put on hold because
she started on a path that led her away from God for a while.
That is until she found her way back.

This is her story of being lost and
then her return from the darkness and despair.
She got engaged to be married.
She knew it wasn’t meant to be.
She even thought of calling off the Wedding
the night before but, didn’t.
Her new husband gave her everything.
Everything money could buy,
but as the old saying goes money can’t buy happiness.

Her husband was an Alcoholic.
She became increasingly unhappy.
As she became more and more unhappy in the marriage
that was not God’s will, she turned to drugs.
She eventually was drawn so deep
into the darkness and despair
that she only saw one way out.
That out was suicide.
She tried to kill herself.

However, God wasn’t giving up on her.
He had a purpose for her.
She awoke in the hospital
with her husband standing over her
complaining about how she had embarrassed him.
She didn’t know what to do.
She eventually left
the materialist “perfect” world behind her.
Her husband died of Alcoholism.

She then met her new husband, Dick.
She was still involved in drugs
and he was another Alcoholic.
However, this was meant to be.
God was about to enter both their lives once again.
Joann related how they were sitting in a truck
together at a truck stop When...

God revealed Himself to the both of them.
At that moment both of their lives started to change.
They started going to church together.
Then they married, without the fear
that was present in Joann’s first one.
For, this one was meant to be.

Joann then started to long to become a mother.
She even started to become jealous
that her younger brother had children.
But, again, God had a plan.
She would never be a biological mother but,
she would be blessed with nine children.
No adoptions, no state or local agencies,
just kids who needed to be loves and wanted.

One of her son’s came to them as a teenager.
He had been living in the small towns local jail.
However, that became unsafe for him.
So, she got a call asking if she could take him in.
She and Dick agreed to.
They learned that he had been thrown out
by his parents at the age of 12.
As a result of this he started staying in the jail
at night and going to school during the day
because of no where else to live.

While two teenage boys lived with them
a daughter showed up at her door.
A girl that Joann had known brought her to meet Joann.
She had no place to stay
her family had thrown her out.
Joann heard God saying to keep her, “she is yours.”
However, Joann tried to think of all the reason
why not to keep this girl.
Yet, in the end God won and Joann had a daughter.
Not long after it was discovered that
her new teen daughter was bulimic.

Joann had always wanted a baby.
She prayed to God for a baby.
Then one day Joann’s prayer were answered.
She had known a teen couple who had had a baby.
The parents were addicts.
So, the mother was trying to take care of the baby girl.
One night Joann got a call.
The voice said, “come get this baby
or I will kill it.”
So, in the middle of the night
she and Dick went to get the baby.
They found the baby in a crib
surrounded by unsafe and deplorable conditions.
However, before Joann and Dick could adopt the baby girl
her biological mother wanted her back.
So, they gave the baby girl back.

Then three years later they got another call.
They went to get their baby girl back.
However, at this time she had a baby sister.
So, now Joann had a little girl
and a baby girl to take care off.
She had nothing, no crib, not cloths, no bottles,
nothing two little ones would need,
but, it became available to her.
God had put it in someone’s heart to anonymously
provide what she was lacking.

As the girls grew what they endured before returning
to Joann and Dick still effected them.
It was evident especially in the older girl.
She was thrown out of several schools
in Kindergarten thru 3rd grade...
a Christian one.
Joann was at her end…
She could not take anymore...
the problems were overwhelming.

Feeling this way she sent the child away from her...
To her room.
As the girl sat in her room Joann came to a decision...
either her or the child had to go.
She had all intentions of giving this ultimatum to her husband,
Dick when he returned home from work.
However, in her desperation
she also cried out to God saying,
“I have had enough.I can’t do it anymore.”
God answered her, “Good, now I can.”
Needless to say neither, Joann or the girl, left.

Joann started home schooling both the girls.
Things improved for them all.
Joann remembered her wish to be a missionary.
She questioned God,
how could she be a missionary at home.
Then she realized something,
she was in contact with people.
She began ministering to the delivery man, telemarketers,
and anyone else who came to her door or over the phone
but, expectably her family.

When the girls were teenagers
the decided they wanted to meet their “real mother.”
They imagined and fantasized how much better it would be.
Like any teenager thinking
anything is better then what they have.
So, Joann and Dick took the girls to meet her.

The youngest girl was once again
rejected by her biological mother.
This had a tremendously negative impact.
She turned to the world instead of God.
Today she even calls Joann and Dick “Jesus freaks.”
But, things are changing.
For God says, “His word will NOT return void.”

Then Joann went on to tell us that one son is
right now in the world, involved in drugs.
However, God is working on his heart.
He is starting to reach out for help.
Her daughter that was bulimic is now healed,
a mother, and a born again Christian,
living her life for God.
Joann is the proud grandmother of her twins
and a multitude of others.

While Joann was going through everything
with her two youngest girls,
with the older one being thrown out of school,
she says she started to feel as if her mind were in pieces.
She felt scattered, as if she didn’t know
if she was coming or going.
Yet when she “let go” for God to come in
He started to put her back together.
At the same time God was working on
her sons and daughters as well.
He has provided for them all and paved the way,
through Joann and Dick, for all nine children to come to Him.
The ones that are still lost won’t be,
for they are working on their own testimonies.
As for Joann she is still leading people towards God,
doing His work, and adding to her testimonies.
Praise God!!!!!!!!!!!

FastCounter by bCentral