Fake and shallow
Fickle and calloused
The smile I would expect from the face of the obsessed
You take and you wallow
In you r petty images of neglect
This life I do reject.
Not even half way to selfish
The long walk out
Saves a part of me
That should have been choked out long ago
What in the hell
In a dream so devilish
Could I have been thinking
With an open mouth speaking
Let stream the filth I reserve for flattery
Deepest dishonesty
Manipulative wealth
There is nothing true
About any of my faces
Any disguises
That I wear in these places
And weep
For it was never my heart that wooed
And never yours I sought to keep
Instead something more protected
More dear
Now infected with the want
And the fear.

*****

I know that no one
Pays attention to my petty ramblings,
And very few care
About the insights of such
A deeply affected denizen of the realm
Where everything is wrong
And even private guarded thoughts
Become insane.
Be that as it may
I still have a few things to say
About life without the light of the sun,
Where every action amounts to gambling…
Buyer you had better beware:
Of harshness there is much.
The weak, all too easily overwhelmed,
Purchase a ticket to feel, to belong
(So they think)
But all that has really been bought
Only pain.

I remember the eyes
Of concerned old ladies
As they were cast on my self abuse.
Filled with concern, worry
And a greater part of fear,
Their gazes penetrated through
To the truth, to my hidden shame.
The whole world bore witness
To the evidence of my daily ghost dance.
How horrible it was
To show the world my bruises.

*****

To Wendy

Restlessness will find a way to begin
A foul story, draped in sin,
As are all of mine
That are fit to be told…
(At wanton vulgarity I draw the line)
I could never be so bold.
It’s not the wanting that makes it foul,
It’s the scent in the air
That brings forth the male dog’s howl
And whips the pack into frenzied attacks
When they venture from their lairs.
For all it’s worth
My life reeks of cold port and sack.
Best not to fly too far from earth
My face isn’t beauty to behold
But I’ll try to carry on,
Try to bring the pleasure back
Before we become like carrion
Feasting from our fallen flesh
While we blister in the cold.
No, I could never be so bold,
Never separate the lace from the mesh,
Until the last line from my loom has spun,
‘Til the best part of the night’s begun,
Until my heart, my thoughts, have been written.
     While you wonder what I meant
 I will revive the energy I’ve spent
Because to my core I’ve been smitten.
There’s a light that I see behind your eyes,
It dispels the darkness and gloom,
From it the evil inside me shies
Giving happiness breathing room.

*****

Damned

In the lonely garden wind whistles swiftly through the trees
All that live here know and fear my disease
The spirits of the dead march in twos and threes
Past my seat in the old and grisly cemetery

In my soul a dark and dreadful fear grows
Though on my face not a trace, not an inkling of it shows
My life has been a string of lows and deeper lows
At last sweet death comes to take me below

The earth holds me close in a cold embrace
My body lingers as I flee this place
Placed in a coffin lined with silk and lace
I fly toward heaven to beg God for grace

At the gate the angels turn me away
They say this time for my crimes I’ll pay
They send me to hell without delay
My spirit will never again see the day

I argue, there must be some mistake
All those lives I did not mean to take
Repentance I did not mean to fake
Everything lost for ignorance sake

My spirit descends the cursed stairs
Down to hell, the devil’s lair
Fire and brimstone will be my fare
Satan and I make a lovely pair

I arrive in hell but nothing’s in sight
No devil, no demons, no awful fright
My soul is in a terrible plight -
I realize that I am the prince of night.
 

So here I sit with my face in my hands
King and sole resident of God’s doomed lands
Centuries trickle away like grains of sand
This is not what I planned.

I gave up heaven for just a taste
Of sex, money and power; I was unchaste,
Now none of my wrongs can be erased
The beauty of my soul is defaced

Alone in a cold and lonely corner of hell
I can’t say much but damn, oh well,
Do you have a soul you’d like to sell?
Mine is nothing but a shell.

I offer this up as a grim reminder.
I urge you my friend to be gentler, kinder
If there’s a woman you love find her
Kiss her and hold her close
For you I’ll offer up a toast
May you never lose what I have lost
May you never have to pay that cost
Cheers from here in eternity
A sweet goodbye for all to see
Those who are good will be free
But those who are evil will just be
Damned.

*****

Everything Beautiful

Cries in the night, the darkness thick
As lies flow from my lips
I can see across the field
He hits you again and you stumble
All my values are offended.
I rush to defend you, to be your shield.
Wisdom sleeps in the ignorant.
I can’t understand how you loved him.
I lift my hands to stop his next strike
But I am rendered impotent
Met only by hatred and dislike
I demand an answer, how could you?
But hush insolent assumption
It was all for nothing
I departed, defeated, painfully free and alone
I can see through the lies
But I still can’t cry
Empty stoic, all remorse has gone
Excuses throw crosses in the air
There was once peace, only hurt, only ache, despair
This life I can’t take for granted
Even without relief or surcease
Even without you
I swear this is true
Though the seeds of doubt have been planted.
In the mirror my face peels away
Underneath: disease and decay, youth tainted.
I will defy
All the fixations of corruption
To reluctantly break these chains.
Care wants no part of this slaughter…
Meaning makes a stand but falls to greater numbers.
Need demands I call up my true identity, deep down,
Worms wriggle underground, in my belly, in my hands.
Reptile eyes wink, shared secrets slowly sink in.
Beware my sickness dwells in the heart of laughter.
It waits to strike like a snake.
I dared to think, I thought you were mine.
I will go that extra mile
Bless the abominations and defile
All that you hold holy
Where did all the love go?
I must have been blind
To give you my trust
Driven mad by lust, sexuality, wanting.
Your touch made me blush
A faint red as the skin warms
Dark blue in the memory [bruises]
Inside where I can’t defend
Twisted around your little finger
Caught in the scent of sweet release
Your sex uses me
Catch this, ride
There is no sin more stark and true than flesh.
Victory is denied to the weak.
I am wounded to my soul, a freak,
Change, bleed
At the thought of this need
Stained and no longer whole
Putrid coupling is history’s whore
I burn all your letters
Even the clothes I wore
My once strong will tattered, frayed,
Desperate to be clean.
Dismayed the dream shatters
Into pieces all over the floor
I swore
This would never happen again
The message is quite plain
No hidden meanings
I can’t make it any clearer.
Blue skies have clouded with storms
Sunshine replaced by thunder
Awaken
Everything is wrong between us.
The voices tell me I am forsaken, on the edge
Where truth dies and shrouded forms bring fear.
No tears, no games to play, I wonder
How long this will go on
Life can be so mean, so cruel.
In the end our tales are nothing.
Fuel for the fire that warms the ghosts
Reality, bitter cold wind, slice to my heart.
I am too torn to bear the burden
The story is nothing nice
I never listened
Never cared enough to stop
Never dared to ask for help.
Christened by failure
My conscience flails without direction
It lashes out unguided and upset
Whipped by gales of futility and regret.
The spirit demands I stop this insurrection
And calls me to task for my sins
I beg God for stability, I need
All of the prayers in the world
To save me from myself
There is a monster behind my eyes
When it escapes sanity dies
And virtue runs for cover
Shelter me
From these demons I have created, dear lord
You gave your last breath so I could be freed
Let the skeptics and the naysayers take heed
Hope lives still
Despite all my efforts to kill
Everything beautiful.
To The Guilty From Another

The idea explodes onto the page
A paper tiger in a cage
Materializes just the way I want I to
Gone down the long, hard road without you
Institutionalized, my life goes up in flames
First impressions mean everything
So I am compelled to reveal my worst visions:
I haven’t seen anything
In my nightmare I can remember no names
These words are my indelicate submission,
This is all about feeling the dream.

Some people beg to be shown
They haven’t got a clue
As to the venomous way in which I give my regards
From this day let it be known
To my hatred I am true
May you reap your penalty, your just rewards
May you be dispersed and forgotten
     Crushed and scattered
This is my bitter kiss
May you miss all the things I miss.
I grow tired of the games
In the dungeon hunger and thirst
Like a misbegotten bastard
Used and mastered
I was bad
But I wasn’t the worst.

Pain: my fate is bestowed
For evil were the seeds I sowed.
I can’t even see the blue, blue sky
Now there is no use to deny
I’ll be gone away for a long, long time
It’s far too late to apologize
And it does no good to cry.

Such a nasty pity to live so long
When all you want to do is let go.
How did my heart grow so strong?
How does my poisoned blood flow?
 
 

To kill time I pace to and fro’
What a way to pay for the past
Lock up the dogs and ween them on blood
Torment, from the first to the last
Instinct to survive drowns all civility
And hope in its awesome flood.
This time was meant to instill humility,
But the system is failing fast.
The dogs are at each other’s throats
Kill or be killed, it’s no good
I can’t change it, I only take notes.
Between the judges the joke is understood:
Lock them all up
So the world will be safe.

I can almost bring myself to laugh
But somehow I don’t find it funny,
To me it sound more like an epitaph.
All the world’s sugar and all the world’s honey
Won’t ease this medicine’s taste.

I work at my bonds to break free
And I will never stop, can you see
How much I regret being guilty?

*****

All Gone

“To be…”
And, well, you know the rest.
If somehow you find it hard to see
Travel down the dark road to misery
Where all our weaknesses are confessed.

I wish I could find the strength
To care (what you think)
To go on (with this charade
     With a nudge and a wink),
To discuss all our problems at length,
But I can’t.
 
 
 
 
 

I love the dusty, antique tales
Of murder’s deceit and poison’s pain.
Some victims long for the slice of the knife
     It never fails
I am a victim who can find no one
     Brave enough to take my life,
So I am left to my own ends again.

I can’t put a number to my sins.
My body is like an empty flask -
All the warmth and fire has gone.
I am a victim
Of my own ill conceived plot
To rid myself of everyone and everything
*All Gone*

*****

Later

Tears never come when I cry for you.
We said farewell, but never goodbye.
I just want to say something real, something true,
Make things right while I still have time.
Your arms bear witness to cruelty
Though the worst source is only yourself
     [Bruises, knots, stretched up and down]
As I lay beside you I felt free,
Good spirits my only wealth,
Sweet murmurs the only sound,
In the dim light pleasure was found.
How could such a good thing be so wrong?
I ask, for I can’t count the ways,
All because I couldn’t be strong
And instead lived my life in a daze.
I know now you sought out love and light
A man to ease hardship and pain
I wish I could have been that man
I wish I could have been yours (my refrain)
But that is all over now,
And I have no future plan.
The Curse

Time to whisper another tale
Of how I came to fight these wars
With my self, how without fail
Life brings wounds and battle scars.

Years ago by the gray dawn’s light
I reached for my lover’s hand,
But she recoiled with shock and fright
From the glint in my eyes,
     From my selfish demands.

Inside me a piece of private joy dies
Every time the love goes away.
There must be more than moans and sighs.
I wish I knew what to say.

The first time I saw the devil’s face
The beast in the mirror smiled.
In the reflection: his hiding place,
All my thoughts and dreams defiled.

I tried to cut, to operate…
With each slice the evil grew stronger.
Suicide burns, it devastates,
But I failed so I live longer.

I decided at last to negotiate
After poison and potions came to naught.
I’d talk my way out of my fate,
Or at least that’s what I thought.

I closed my eyes and delved deep inside
To the spot where my evil dwells.
My darkness told me I must decide
Between solitude and hell’s bells.

I fled the scene and wracked my brain
About such an awful choice.
Why had this been ordained?
Sorrow cracked my voice.
 
 
 

At last I made the decision
To love and never look back,
To forget my grotesque vision,
To mount a counter attack.

I arrayed myself in battle gear:
Satin shirts and fine cologne.
I would never let love cause me fear.
I refused to be alone.

I met a nice girl and fell in love.
She was all smiles, warmth and light.
I thought she was sent by heaven above
To give my soul respite.

The first time we kissed I took her down
And taught her how to purr.
I felt her blush at pleasure’s sound
As I stroked her through her fir.

When we were done she wanted to rest,
To cuddle and hold me close,
But I wanted more, as my eyes confessed,
I wanted her sex the most.

This hurt her deep inside her heart
I could see it all too clearly
I had failed at love from the start
And the failure cost me dearly.

My lover packed up and went away.
She said she would pray for me.
I still could not find the words to say
So what happened just had to be.

I looked at myself reflected again.
I still had the same old smile.
My mouth dripped blood, my soul drenched in sin,
I told lies with my usual style.

I resolved once more to break the curse,
To love and to change my life,
But instead I only made things worse.
From my seed grew chaos and strife.
 

I met another; we joined as one.
She liked sex as much as I.
We romped in bed; we had so much fun.
I didn’t know I could feel so high.

One day she gave me the joyous news,
She carried my unborn child.
I thought I paid the devil his dues,
But again my life went wild.

“We can’t, we shan’t, we’re just not ready,”
I told her with many tears,
“We must wait till things are more steady,
Till I overcome my fears.”

She could not grasp what I had just said:
Our baby must not be born.
I can still hear her voice in my head
When she cut loose with her scorn.

“You are an animal, a demon,
Loosed from the bottomless pit.
This gift is more than egg and semen,”
She said as she hissed and spit.

But I got my way
At the clinic the next day.
With a twist and a yank it was gone,
And I still did not know what to say
When I woke up alone at dawn.

I wondered where I had gone wrong
As I gazed in the looking glass.
Solitude can be a sad song,
Would I ever find the right lass?

Years went by, I was satisfied
With prayer and meditation.
I thought my life was sanctified,
Purged of evil’s visitation.
 
 
 
 
 

I held myself holy.
I held myself righteous.
I held myself above it all.
Since I was freed, wholly,
I reasoned I might just
One time love without the fall.

I smelled her scent upon the breeze
As she came up my street.
This woman could do as she pleased…
Her beauty was so sweet.

She was graceful, tall and supple.
She had full breasts and sturdy hips.
I knew we would be a couple
When she saw me and licked her lips.

I made small talk, but I was thrown
By her presence so close to me.
The heavy breathing was my own.
My excitement was plain to see.

She hushed my words with a gentle kiss.
She ran her fingers through my hair.
I knew that this time I would find bliss,
And by my side she would be there.

In bed our passion knew no bounds.
Our touches lingered with lust.
The power of the act confounds
Logic, it’s an act of trust.

We melted together fluidly
As the heat intensified.
I pleasured her slowly, languidly.
Our love was so dignified.

As the end neared we quickened our pace,
We wrestled and bucked and thrashed.
An awful change came over her face,
In my mind a warning flashed.

From her forehead grew horns.
From her ass grew a tail.
Red soaked into her eyes.

Our bed filled with thorns
As she scratched with her nails
Drawing blood down the length of my thighs.

She drank long and deep
Of my life, of my strength
Her features dark and full of lies.

This game was for keeps,
And I suffered at length,
To the world I said my goodbyes.

I tried to hold on
Till my strength was all gone.
In time every tortured soul dies.

The trip to the abyss
With my devilish miss
Was over in a mere heartbeat.

We descended deep beneath the ground
Where light and love have never been found.
I settled in and took a seat.

I told my wicked lady
She could still be my baby.
This could be a delicious treat.

Forever in a tight embrace
In time pleasure will all pain erase
Again I eluded defeat.

I had finally found the girl for me.
I might be chained, but I felt free.
I decided the devil was beat.

The devil didn’t share that notion.
He knew me and he knew his sister.
The curse would quiet the commotion:
We all knew I could not resist her
Or any of her dark seductions.

She and I locked in ferocious sex,
No one could deny that was true,
But I succumbed to her most vile hex
As I drank from her witches’ brew.
Time dragged on and our skin blistered, burned,
The friction was too intense.
Hell’s flames burn even the soul, I learned,
But I would  not flinch or wince.

I really wanted our love to work.
I vowed for her I would take the pain.
I have never been one to duck or shirk.
God knows I was far beyond insane.

The devil’s sister lost her cool.
She could not withstand my assault.
I took that sexy fiend to school…
I guess our break up was my fault.

At last I had broken the fetters,
The curse was gone, and I felt a lot better.

The last time I saw the devil’s face
He looked shocked and very mad.
I put the bastard in his place,
And I have to say I’m glad.

Inside me wicked laughter flows
Every time I drive love away,
And why only God above knows.
Frankly I can’t find words to say
When that sexual dynamite blows.

Headquarters