June 2005

Irene and Edith came down for a week. It was the first week of June.

They lifted mom's spirits. They are the ones who helped me talk with

mom about Hospice. She needed their input. I needed their support also. Sometimes

I feel so alone in all this. We took Mom to the cemetery to see Dad's monument. She

was very quite. She didn't have the strength to walk from the car to the grave, and not even with

Edith's walker. I think she didn't want to see the front of it. Afterwards we went by for

 hamburgers to take home and ice cream. I think Mom enjoyed that. On Friday, the 3rd,

we took Mom to the hospital for a blood gas. She couldn't stay awake and for peace

of mind before the Sisters left, we wanted to know. The therapist said she would give

us thumbs up or down after the test because she is really not allowed to say anything

about the results. She said "ya have a nice weekend", to which we thought the test

were fine. Maybe they were, but the illness itself and no oxygen makes her sleepy like that. If it

was high, she really didn't want to undergo the iv's and hospital stay.

All the grandchildren have been in and out with Irene and Edith here. It tires Mom out, but she will go lay

down and tell us to keep visiting and she will be alright in her room as long as she hears us. She

loves seeing Bryan. Her eyes light up when he is around. I am so thankful she has lived to see him.

I know Mom worries about each one of us and especially her grandkids. I wish she wouldn't, but I understand.

Hospice began on June 6, 2005, a Monday. After a weekend of discussion as

to whether or not it would be a good idea, mom agreed. I don't think she fully

understood that hospice works primarily with those patients that have a life expectancy

of 6 months or less, or not. But I felt relieved that they were starting, thinking I had some

relief. Mom has had a catheter now for a few weeks. She woke up one morning and wasn't

able to use the bathroom. Just like that. I spoke with the home health nurses and they

said it could be the kidneys shutting down or an infection. I called Karen Bailey at the

hospital to talk with her as to what I could expect if it was the kidneys. I feel uneasy. Mom

talks about Dyane's kidneys shutting down. She is worried that hers are too. I think

we both know, but try to stay positive.

I have not stopped since before Daddy died in December. If I stop and reflect on his

dying, I think I will loose it mentally. I would break down terribly and I cannot afford to do

that at this time. Everything happened so quickly from the time he was in the hospital,

then being diagnosed and going for treatments, to the day we planned his funeral

and then begun taking care of mom full time. It has been over 7 months and I am tired.

I get so frustrated with myself because I get so tired and then act frustrated at taking

care of mom.

Mom has good days and bad days. On her good days, she talks a lot, eats a lot and

she looks well. On her bad days, she is very depressed, grumpy, short, and doesn't

eat well. The days are too long for her. She is wore out by late afternoons and needs

to rest. She won't rest during the day. I think she is afraid to get too comfortable, despite

taking Ativan, she won't relax and rest.

Mom seems weaker. She has days where she cannot stay awake at all. She gets

confused and talks out of her head. Even if it is the carbon dioxide build up, I don't

think there is anything we can do at this point. It seems to come and last a few days and

then clear up for a few days, only to return again.

We have our routine now. She goes to bed early. She usually gets up a lot now during the

night. She calls me quite frequently. I have a monitor set up in my bedroom. I hear her call

me even when she is not. I get scared thinking I won't hear her. We have an aide come

in at 2:30 till 5, Monday through Friday. When I get up, I fix Mom's coffee and toast and

we take the Medicines. She takes Theadur, Zoloft, Protonix, Reglan, Antivan, Pain medicine,

bladder medicine and then uses her breathing treatments every 4 hours or less. And she

has been on Xopenix, one of the stronger medications when nothing else works, for a few

weeks now. She still complains that she cannot breathe. That is because her lung capacity

is virtually gone. We use the home monitor to check her vitals and then we get

her dressed. She has recently gotten some new clothes from me and from Janet and she

loves wearing something nice instead of the usual tee shirts. Kahne gets there at 8:30

and stays till 2 when the aide comes. She is taking naps in her bed now instead of

sleeping in the chair. One of the boys usually stay with her till I get home after the aide leaves.

They don't like her being alone either. When I get home we usually have supper and watch

wheel of fortune. She is usually so tired by then that we don't usually visit long. Some nights

she wants to get involved in a movie or something on television, and other nights she just

wants to talk. When I help her to bed, she always wants to visit then. She usually ask if we

will be up a while longer, and she does that because she is comforted knowing someone is

up moving around and can check in on her. She fears not being able to wake up. She

tells me she loves me and appreciates me. Sometimes she talks about simply being so

tired.

Mom's appetite remains good. She loves to snack and eat. She is drinking well also.

All her vital signs seem well. We have a home med box that takes the vital signs. Sometimes

her pulse ox seems low. Her weight is climbing. Probably fluid. Her feet and legs stay

so swollen. That is from heart failure. She keeps a rapid heartbeat.

It can be exhausting at times. Up and down. My body is not used to it. I am so ready

for bed at night too. I keep saying it is not forever. Mom will be gone soon. I need to do this for her.

Her weight is going up. The swelling is worse. Urine is concentrated. She is weaker. She

cannot catch her breath now at all if she tries to walk. The walker is a chore for her. It doesn't help.

She is calling me during the day now. I think she just needs assurance that she is alright. I know

she is scared, because I am too. Sometimes I feel as if I am not doing enough, and that she

depends on me too much. That scares me. What if I am supposed to be doing something else

that would help her better?

Mom is having accidents from her bladder. She is having pain too. Possible infection from

the catheter. They are going to change it out. Her sleepy spells keep coming

and she told me she thinks she will go into that sleep and not wake up. I assure her

I will keep waking her up and checking on her.

We are leaving for a few days to go on a mini vacation toward Pope County. I am

scared to leave mom but need to get away badly. Mom doesn't want me to go. She

won't tell me that, but I sense her fear of me leaving. The closer it gets, the more ill she

seems and she doesn't ask any questions about me leaving. Kahne and Kenny are

supposed to come stay here with her when I leave. She needs them here. It will be good

for her and Kenny to visit.

I called several times a day while I was gone. Mom seems out of it. She is sleepy, and too

tired to talk. She fell on the day we were returning home. Kahne said she went to stand up

and fell between the nightstand and corner. She scraped her back and her hip. It really

shook Mom up. She still has recovered from her last fall in May. Her balance is so off.

I guess because her body is so weak. Krystal called us off and on all the way home.

Mom seemed to be off in her world, talking nonsense and not able to stay awake. I tried

talking to her on the phone and she understood at first that I was on my way home, then

she asked again when we were coming. I was so anxious to get home and see her.

When we got back from Russellville, mom was asleep in the bed. She didn't even realize

I was there. I hugged her and she smiled, but then she went back to sleep. It really hit me hard

seeing her there like that because I could see how weak and tired she actually was.

I felt as if then that I was going to loose her soon. When she did get up from her nap, she

wasn't very talkative. In a way she acted as if I wasn't even there. She was just barely

functioning. She went to bed early and didn't even eat.  I called Irene later that

night and cried. I cried from worry. This was really scaring me. I called Hospice and talked

with a nurse about Mom. I asked lots of questions and they just assured me everything

was just part of the process. Process of the body dying.

I brought back from Russellville, lots of information on the Helton side of the family and

lots of pictures of cemeteries. There hasn't been a very good time to look at the video

tape of Bill Helton or see the pictures. I try to talk to mom about all the news, but it is like

she can't absorb it all because she is too tired. We talk in bits and pieces.

Mom has had a lot of pain from the fall. She yells out during the night, especially

if she has to move or adjust herself in the bed. The pain meds

are not holding her. She can't walk now at all. I wheel her in the wheelchair from the bed

in the morning to the Living Room. Then if she needs to go to the bathroom, I wheel her

in there. We wheel back to the bed at night. I don't know that she will walk much anymore.

Hospice says she has declined greatly from the time they started. I think the bladder

infection is causing pain too in her lower back.

Every Morning after we get dressed, the dogs get so excited that Meme is being wheeled

into the living room. They get in front of her and jump and stretch and drag themselves as

if they were lead in a parade and they can't wait till she gets seated in her chair. She enjoys

them. Mom and Tipper really have this special communication between them. She loves that

dog and Tipper loves her. Every time she snacks or eats a meal, they are both under her feet

and she gives one a bite and then the other. It is so cute how they know how Meme spoils

them. Corky is even sitting at her feet now. Sometimes he tries to jump in her chair beside

her but he is too big and there is not enough room. He loves her too.

Mom is more depressed. I guess I would be too. Her quality of life is poor. She sits in one

chair, and she talks about things that lead me to believe she knows she will not be here longer.

Then once in a while she has a spurt of emotional enthusiasm and declares she is going to

Church or wants to go to Wal-Mart. One day, Linda, the aide, wheeled her out on the patio

and right back in. She said it was a start and that they were going to do this more often. Both

dogs got so excited thinking Meme was going outside. Tipper even jumped in her lap only

to go on the patio and right back in!

Mom has had several bad days where she will not stay awake and is more confused.

She is seeing things that are not there, and seeing people. They call these "visions" or

"hallucinations". According the booklet Hospice left with me, this is a stage of "dying".

The brain isn't getting enough oxygen, and there is also a spiritual side to all this. I have

read alot about it, and it seems to be getting worse for mom. She also picks at her clothes

or hands constantly, even when she is asleep, as if she is trying to pick something off

her. She has headaches and nausea a lot now too.

Mom is seeing a lot of relatives that have died. Her father, her brothers. She has chased her

brothers, called them to come "inside". She has seen doorways that seem familiar. She

has dreams at night. She is talking all night long some nights to people in her room.

She told me she dreamed it was raining and had to shut the front door, and she literally

got of bed and tried walking, when her catheter tubing caught her, and she fell back on

the bed and yelled for me. It scared her and me both. She thinks she is spilling stuff or

dropping stuff, and she looks for it. She keeps seeing "children" mostly. She says they

stand in front of the television but won't look at her. She says they are girls because

she sees their dresses. They also visit her during the night in her room.

Mom seems to be getting frustrated at the visions. They scare her. She called me at

work today to tell me they were in her living room again. She told me she was going

to go off in that world and not come back. She gets upset with herself that she is

seeing them. I talked with her and told her that I read they are to comfort

her, and not frighten her. I told her they are sent as a means to comfort her. I asked her if

Patsy, her mother, or Dyane had seen any, and she said yes. I think she knows I am

telling her they are "predeath" visions. Mom seems like she needs to talk, but then she

clams up. There is no easy way to speak of dying.

Mom asked me if her body was shutting down. I told her it could be and that is why the

visions are there. She cannot see hardly at all. She fidgets with her medicines bottles,

her treatments, her drinks, her clothes, and everything. She acts like she needs to get

something and then when I offer to help, she gets confused and says never mind.

Seems like I have to help with everything now because of lack of vision. She also

isn't coordinated enough to hold things or help herself with anything. She cannot even

hold her pills in her hand and put them to her mouth. I am pouring them or putting them

in her mouth. She can't pull herself up in the bed at night anymore or put her legs up into

the bed.

On Wednesday afternoon I left the aide to care for mom as I tried to get my room

and bathroom in order plus catch up on laundry. I also want a nap badly. The aide

comes to get me because mom is upset. She thinks there is a plant beside her

chair on the end table and it is growing everywhere. She also thought she spilled

something and was trying to clean it up. I told her there wasn't a spill or a plant and

she gets more upset. I just try to make her relax.

I think Edith and Irene are coming in again. They call a lot and sometimes Mom remembers

and sometimes she doesn't. Glennis has called and Martha. Patty hasn't called in a while.

Wynona and Jerry Wayne and his little girl, Raven showed up today. There was a ball

tournament and they were in Camden. Mom has not seen them in a long time. It was

like my dreams coming true. I dreamed of relatives coming around that had not been

seen together in a long time. It was just like in my dream. They stayed a long time. I think

Mom enjoyed it. Wynona left her telephone number.

Saturdays are leisure days. I seem to be too tired from the week to go anywhere or

do anything. I usually send Kevin to the store. Even if I felt like going, I couldn't because

I am too scared to leave Mom. I usually clean up around Mom's chair and we watch

television together.  I try to cook something different on Saturdays that she likes.

July 4th weekend is coming up. I want to cook and hope everyone gets together

and has fun for Mom's sake.

Kahne is gone to Florida with Jason and Tyler for baseball. Hospice has several other

aides or volunteers coming in to replace Kahne in the daytime. It is making her nervous

for new people to come out, but she is dealing with it. One of the aides cut mom's hair

and she needed it so badly.

Still weak, and there are days that mom's urine looks more concentrated than other days.

The swelling gets worse as the day goes on. She is having more headaches, still visions,

and nausea. Lots of nausea now. The bladder spasms come and go. Some days she has

accidents and others she is fine. They changed the catheter out now but I don't think she'll

ever get off it.

July 4th weekend was a good one. Kenny wouldn't come out though. Mamaw came out

and Kevin grilled. We had all the kids except for Tyler and Jason. Josh brought Meagan out

and Arlon and Tyra came out for a visit too. Mom was surprised but glad. It was a tiring day

for her, but she enjoyed it so much. Krystal brought Bryan. This weekend was special. I took

lots of pictures with Mom and Bryan and video taped it. Mom went to bed early and Bryan

sat on bed by her and it was so sweet. Mom held him throughout the day and he let  her

without crying. She put her hand over his mouth and patted it gently as she sang and he

would hold her fingers and pull them toward his mouth as if he knew exactly what she was

doing. It was priceless. Mom needed that.

Mom wants to see Bryan again. He lifts her spirits. Tonight when we went to bed, I think

Mom wanted to talk. She told me how much she appreciated me and to please not think

badly of her when she gets short tempered from being tired.

Mom is not sleeping. She is talking all night long to these people in her room. I go in there

to help with her medicine and she asked me "whose kids are those". The same three kids in

her room and she is looking right at them. It is so scary, but I have to remind myself also

of what I have read and that is these are comfort visions, not scary visions. But mom is more

tired during the day than ever from lack of sleep at night. She gets congested, nauseated

or is ready to just get up when it may be 3 a.m. or something.

Krystal came back and stayed a morning so a volunteer wouldn't have to.

Mom enjoyed that and seeing Bryan again.

The doctor started mom on a new medicine for her bladder or kidney infection. Also

on antibiotics and a new pain medicine to help with the back pain. The pain medicine

definitely is helping with the pain. We laughed about it causing hallucinations when

she is already seeing things anyway.

Kidney output is slowing down. I am keeping in close contact with Irene and Edith. They

are trying to pick the right time to come. Maybe Mom will feel better soon and they can

have a good visit. Mom's pulse ox is dropping. It drops with just her getting into the

wheelchair or getting out of it. Putting a gown over her head is very difficult from no energy

or air. Her weight has risen up to 125. Her pulse ox in the morning after a treatment is too

low. She is having fluctuations in her blood pressure too. She is too aware of her rapid

heartbeat.

I fixed spaghetti for supper and we had garlic bread. Mom couldn't see at all to eat.

We hang on every word she says because she is not making sense. She thinks

the washrag beside her plate is the bread. Then she gets agitated to find it is not,

only to then laugh at herself and say she knew all along.

I go into her room during the night and she is talking and it seems so strange. It doesn't

sound like Mom. She is talking about the people she sees. She then laughs or

giggles and it just seems so different. I told Irene it didn't appear to be Mom. It was

so calm and different than her "tiring, breathless" voice.

The urine is brown, very tea colored. Hospice agrees the kidneys are shutting down.

We increased the lasix to see if that will help. I think her symptoms she is displaying is

partly from the kidneys shutting down. Mom is complaining of her esophagus hurting

and some trouble swallowing.

Irene is planning on coming on in. Mom keeps asking or telling me that they are coming in.

She is not fussing as much about the house or food like she does when guests usually come.

She really wants to see them.

I came home to find out Irene and Edith are coming in Saturday the 9th. Mom is so

excited. She was napping and Irene called and the aide took the message. Her blood

pressure is a little high. She is having strange sensations she says in her head. Feels

like her head is swimming. It is high. Kidneys?

Friday night and we rented movies. I wanted Mom to stay up and watch "Hide and Seek"

with us. She tried so hard. She got interested but said she couldn't stay awake but

asked that we play it again Saturday when Edith and Irene come in. Kevin bought her

a dinner and she ate it all. But her appetite is coming and going now. I called Hospice

because she was having spells with that blood pressure. It would be high sometimes

but then stabilize. They said to keep checking it. Also she had major urine output. Her

catheter bag had been changed all day because it was so much. She did this Thursday

and Friday up until that afternoon and then it stopped. I had read that a sudden increase

in urine could mean the kidneys were shutting down. I confessed this to Irene on the

phone.

The next few days are a bit confusing. The last days of Mom's life here on this earth.

Saturday the 9th we got up late. Mom slept late because she was up so much during the

night. She was ready to get up at 3 that morning I think. So as she slept, I tried straightening

up. Soon she got up and we tried eating toast but she didn't eat it all. She knew Edith would

be there by lunch and she commented on how happy she was to get to see her that she could

just cry. Edith did get there by Noon.

We visited with her girls a while before they left. We talked about my trip and the relatives I

met and watched the video. Mom asked questions and talked a lot. She was just so happy

to see Edith. Mom and Edith talked all afternoon and Irene called and said it would be after

6 before she got there. Mom got tired by the time Irene got there. She commented on how

she didnt' feel quite well.  Both sisters helped her to bed and visited at her bedside a while.

Irene slept beside Mom. I planned to go to Church Sunday since the sisters were here.

When I went to bed I told Kevin that if Mom was not well I would stay.

Sunday the 10th.

Irene said Mom didn't sleep well. I heard them over my monitor during the night. I knew she

had a bad night. Mom felt sick at her stomach and not well. I took her vitals and the pulse

ox was very low. I told Kevin I would stay and help with her. We were trying to get her dressed

when she felt very ill and said she was going to be sick. I grabbed the trash can and she did

vomit some. Then I remember her grabbing her chest and looking very pale and still and saying

her heart just stopped. She said "Call Dr. Crump now, no, take me to the hospital now!".

I called Hospice. I explained to Mom again that hospice would send her to the hospital, but

did she really want to go through all that procedure again? I knew she really didn't, but

could understand her fear. I was scared too. Kenny came in not realizing the sisters were here. I guess

he was going to stay with Mom while I went to Church. The hospice nurse got there around 9.

She too was concerned of Mom's pulse ox.  Mom kept feeling nauseated so we gave her phernergan.

She laid back in bed. The nurse said she would get more antivan to keep mom from feeling anxious

and to continue the new pain medicine. We discussed the fact she had started on 3 new medications

and maybe that was doing a lot of the things like her blood pressure and breathing and feeling ill.

I know other medications have done her that way. But the nurse talked with Irene and Edith and told

them basically mom's body was shutting down and she thought in her experience it would be less

than 2 weeks. Kevin called from church in between class and service and I told him and so the

people at church would know to pray.

Kenny's kids had ball games so he left for out of town. I told him I would call if anything changed.

The day is a fog now to me. I know she laid in bed all day. She was just so sick. She couldn't eat or

drink or do her breathing treatment. She slept a lot and then would wake up and we would all talk

to her. She was getting upset because her routine was off because she had not gotten up from

bed to the living room. We kept telling her tomorrow she would feel better. Her urine output was

virtually none and it appeared to have blood in it.  Hospice said call if we needed anything, but

to keep her comfortable. We still tried some of the breathing treatments, but she kept falling

asleep. She could barely swallow a phenergan pill, let alone her usual medications.

Karen Bailey came out that Sunday afternoon. I called her and asked

her to come check mom. I told her what the hospice nurse said and she said she didn't really

agree. She said to keep fighting. I was confused now. Should I feel hopeful, or accept the fact

that mom was going to soon die. Karen talked to Mom and Mom would sleep off and on. Soon

the Halliburtons came out and we were all visiting in Mom's room. Mom said she didn't really

didn't want them there later. She seemed agitated. They all understood. Rod prayed with her. I

talked with Karen later and she told me things I could expect, like shallow breathing. Burl and

Charlene came out later and Mom told them she appreciated it, but she said everyone was taking

up her oxygen and she asked them to leave. They were not offended at all, and understood.

Mom grew more sleepy as the evening came on. Hospice sent out some more antivan

to help with anxiety and some suppositories for the nausea which we used right away.

Kenny and Kahne called to check on her and I told them she was still the same. I set

my alarm to get up at 3 a.m. and try the breathing treatment

again because part of me wanted to continue with the normal medications and routine, but Mom

had not been on it at all that day.

Edith and Irene and me stayed up in the living room probably till midnight talking. We all knew

just how sick Mom was. I really wasn't convinced myself that leaving her at home was best. Part

of me wanted to take her to the hospital. We went to bed and at 3 a.m. I went into Mom's room and

Irene was awake laying next to Mom watching her breathe. She said Mom hadn't woken up the past

few hours. I went over to Mom and tried to wake her for her treatment. She didn't respond. She

didn't move a muscle. Her breathing seemed fine. I tried the mask to get her treatment going,

but it was useless. We both tried waking her and she wouldn't. I called Hospice. They told me

to check her vital signs. Her pulse ox was in the 80's. Her heart rate was high.

I knew that wasn't good. The urine bad still looked like blood was in it. I called Kenny

and told him what was happening. They came out and the nurse. Kenny tried to get Mom

to wake up too and she wouldn't move at all.

She checked all Mom's vital signs and checked her over good. She told

us the news. Mom was dying. Her body and organs were slowly shutting down. She was in

a coma like state. She could stay in it for days or a couple of weeks. They would have a

nurse come out daily and check her vital signs. She said it would be a good time to call

everyone who needed to see Mom. It was hard for me to believe this was happening. I

mean I was expecting it for months or weeks, but when it was actually here, there was a

part of me that refused to believe it. She had always bounced back. Who was this young

nurse telling me. Should I call Dr. Crump himself? Should I trust she knew what she was

saying? Kenny felt as if we should do something other than watch her die. He didn't really

understand that Mom had been dying over the past few weeks. Maybe I should I have told

him. I don't know. I don't think he would have believed me. He was the one who said we all

would remain positive with Daddy's diagnosis and I don't think he would have sat by and

watch us "encourage" her dying. Were we encouraging her to give up this fight and die?

The nurse talked with Kenny but felt she needed the Social Worker, Becky, to come out

and talk with us. We called Mamaw too and all that we could.

Monday the 11th

It seems like the house was full of people. The phone rang constantly. My head was pounding.

I remember just watching Mom thinking once again, there was so much left to say and I didn't

get to say it. She would pass from this world without waking up and I didn't get to say goodbye.

Becky and Tracy showed up about mid morning. Tracy check Mom over head to toe. Mom's

pulse ox had been around 88 and now it dropped even lower. Her other signs were positive and

I remember the nurse seemed surprised. Becky said me and Kenny needed to meet with

her and the nurse and talk. Mom was dying indeed. Her knees and other parts of her body

were showing purplish spots. Her organs were shutting down. Her kidneys were bleeding.

She said Mom could continue like this for a few days or a couple of weeks. She said her vitals

could all hold stable and then suddenly drop, or they could slowly drop. She said the best thing

was to keep her comfortable and not let her struggle to breathe. We could put antivan under

her tongue. She said we could keep her mouth and lips moist. She said there was no way

of knowing if Mom would wake up before she died or not. She asked us if we were comfortable

with this decision of leaving her at home or taking her to the hospital. Kenny slowly agreed to

leave her at home. Not knowing when the "moment" would come was the hardest. How could

you endure this for days? Just to sit and watch someone breathe?

The day went on as Mamaw and Janet talked to Mom and got no response. Lavine was called

and she was coming in. Kevin called my work and told them I would not be in. He stayed home

also. Josh took off work and Jake and all the grandchildren were there. We all sat in her room

off and on together, talking about the past and other things and playing with Bryan. We gave

hourly reports to people by telephone. I remember one time trying to lay down a little while to

get rid of my headache. We took turns laying on Meme's bed beside her. Everyone was so

loving and comforting. Why can't we always be like?

The next thing I remember is Sandy showing up. She came into the room and pulled off her shoes

and got on the bed next to Mom. She said "Hey Inez, it's Sandy, what do you want to eat?", and

Mom turned her head some and replied in a low voice, "turnip greens and cornbread". Wow!

We were all shocked and surprised. For one split moment, I actually thought it was all better now

and she wasn't going to die.

She begin to make more facial movements and I remember being in the living room with Kevin

and Kenny and Chris when Krystal came into the living room and said Meme was awake and she

could SEE! We all went into her room and she was talking and looking around like she had

never been in that coma state. She said look how she could see. She could see the wall and

the doorway and the picture on the wall of her and her brothers and sisters, and she could see

faces, and she pointed to Kenny and to me. I hugged her. What a blessing. Did it mean she

would be alright?

That afternoon to the early morning was the longest time of my life. It seems liked forever with

all the talking and fussing over Mom. We all pulled together. I called Hospice and they couldn't

believe it. They were so happy. They would later send out morphine drops since she was awake

and could acknowledge pain. We were to keep her pain free and comfortable so wouldn't

struggle with her breathing.

She talked about eating but could not. She never asked for a drink, although we encouraged

her to wet her lips and moisten her mouth. She heard Bryan. Oh how he loved on her and she

said aloud how sweet his cry was. She would close her eyes off and on. Her eyes seemed

fixed, yet she could see. It was strange. Her voice sounded full of breath, yet she was dying.

Kenny asked that we have time alone with Mom, that he had things to say. I will never forget that.

He sat by mom on the side of the bed and held her head and asked her if she was leaving us. She

said "yes". She just woke up from a coma state and she knew perfectly well that she was dying.

She had not known that for sure on Sunday when she was sick. But she knew then she was going

to Heaven. He told her then that he some things to say to her since he was given the chance

when he didn't with Daddy. He told her several things that were so sweet, but last he told her

when she got to Heaven and seen Daddy, to give him a kiss and tell him that he loved him.

Mom thought she was at the hospital. When she realized she wasn't she grew upset that the

grandkids were standing around her room and how they couldn't handle this. They assured

her they could and that they wanted to be there. Each child kissed her and hugged her and told

her they loved her. Tyler was away at a game and she asked for him. At one point she talked

about not letting them put her on a respirator or ventilator. I assured her there would be none

and reminded her she was at home. Once she talked about it again and asked me point

blank if I was certain a ventilator would not help her? I couldn't answer. But Kenny answered did

for me and told her we were certain. I broke down.

There was much singing and lots of visitors. At one point she kept calling Kevin, Arlon. So

we called Arlon and he came out and Mom told him how much she loved him and

that she was going to be alright. He prayed for her. Rod came back out. She asked him

if she was going to be alright. He said yes sister. Save me a place in Heaven. She

said she would. She called out for several people. She got to talk to Freida Mae, and

by that time she wasn't able to focus long on what she was doing. Even after we took

the phone from her ear, she kept calling Freida's name. She could barely talk to Lonnie.

Lavine arrived and Francille, Donna, Burl again. Lots of prayers. The boys sang to

her some.

She gave instructions to several of the children. She warned Chris of "adultery". She called

out Jason's name at first, but we knew who she meant. She told Nathan to be strong,

and that she knew he could be. She once mentioned to me that she knew I couldn't get

through "this" without medication! Kevin tried moving her once and she grabbed him

tightly and told him how strong he was and how he could do this, she knew he could, and

how good he was. It was very emotional.

Once before she grew tired, she actually tried to drink some coffee and eat a bite

of toast. We played the tape of her and Ruby singing and she danced with her

hands to the music and sang. Oh how she sang. Edith and Irene mentioned how

good she sounded, when she said "ya are sick!".

She called me by name once and said she loved me. She called me, Beuford, several

times first. She kept calling out for Kenny too. Tyler arrived and how glad she was

to see him. I am glad he got to hug her and see her.

Edith's girls showed up to see Mom and I thought that was so sweet. They came

from Bastrop at that time of night. I think Mom knew who they were and I am

so glad they got to see her.

She got to talk with Krystal and ask that all is forgiven between them. She called out

to God and told him how she loved him and please forgive her of her sins. This woman

was aware of her dying and she making her soul right with God. At one point she seemed

mad that when she opened her eyes, she was still in her bedroom! She said she didn't

know it was this hard to die. I cut a chin hair from chin that night and she said she

couldn't believe I was cutting her hair the day before she died. Do people know the

day they are dying when they are that close to death?

So much more singing, and praying. Later when it was quieter, Kevin read the Bible to

her for a long time. They discussed what he was reading. He read of Heaven and

how beautiful. Again and again everyone took turns telling her they loved her. She

talked as long as she could and continually told others she loved them. Occasionally

she would ask for something for pain. She was scared to take it, but understood it

would help. She didn't want it to knock her out. She wanted to be awake as long

as possible.

Kenny and them left to go lay down a while and after they left, she kept calling for

Krystal, so Krystal had to come back. Mom asked me later after Kenny was gone

to please watch out after him because he needed it. She talked about there

being "hate" and I thought she was talking to me about it. I am not sure what that

was about.

It grew quite and Edith and Irene left Kevin and me in the room. Kevin sat quietly

and read the Bible. Mom listened with her eyes closed. Then Kevin went to lay

down a while. I kept checking her vitals off and on. In the early morning hours the

pulse ox had dropped into the 70's.

Tuesday the 12th

Sometime after 3 a.m., she took her last morphine. She drifted off and never

woke up again. Everyone showed back up and another long day of watching

her breathe. We all knew this time she wouldn't wake back up, but all felt so

blessed that we had the chance to speak with her. She seemed to be

breathing peacefully. She made facial expressions off and on most of the day.

The nurse came back out to check her and said it won't be long because of

the purplish spots and her feet and extremities were cold and blue. Her lips

were looking blue and she was pale. She was sweating and clammy too.

She told us everything we needed to know and what to do and don't hesitate

to call. But most importantly to not let her struggle. But Mom had not so far and

she never did. I am so grateful for that.  We still held her hand and took turns

laying beside her. I remember it being more quite than the day before.

Linda, her regular aide, came out at 2 p.m. She took good care of Mom.

She talked to Mom just like Mom was awake. She bathed Mom and sat

with her till 5 p.m. Francille and Donna brought soup out for everyone. Tammy

and Phil came by and then Myrna. We still gave updates by the phone and

people kept calling.

By watching her pulse ox and her color and breathing, we could tell she

was beginning to pass. Her hands were so blue and swollen. Her lips

looked blue and she did indeed have that shallow breathing. The monitor

showed her heart rate up to 140 and 150. They said that is normal. Her heart

rate was skipping on the monitor off and on for the past few house. It looked

like it was hesitating more in between so many beats. It was dying, it was

playing out. Every now and then it would just go blank! All the vital signs

would disappear off the screen. Her  blood pressure remained stable. You know

everything came together and the timing was perfect for everything those few days.

At 10 p.m. we all were in her room and everyone at the house, except for Kellye. When

we all noticed how horrible blue her hands were, once again we were

singing, when I asked Kahne to check her vitals. I was laying by Mom on

the bed. Kenny was at her bedside. There was nothing on the monitor at first. Then

I remember Kahne say her blood pressure was low and her pulse ox. When she said

that we all knew this was it. Mom's body was literally shutting down completely at that

moment. We all told her once again we loved her and hugged her. I watched her

breathing become less and less. Everything on the screen went off, and she took

a few short or shallow breaths and she was gone. I know without a doubt, that her

spirit left her body at that moment, 10:27 p.m. and was escorted by those 3 angels

that Mom kept calling little kids, to Paradise. I know she is happy and healthy and

she is watching over me. I will never forget you Mom.

The hardest time for me is coming home in the evening. She is not here to check on.

Everyone else is gone and it is just me. I sometimes forget her voice quickly and then

strain to imagine I am hearing it. But yet it saddens me. The glance at her picture on

my computer screen suddenly sends tears to my eyes. She's gone forever. Did I do

the right thing by letting her give up and not hospitalize her and drag it out longer??

The memories of those last few days are beginning to fade some and I don't ever

want to forget them. But yet it is too painful right now to reflect on them. I knew I would

miss her before she was gone. I knew my hard work of taking care of her would soon

be over and I would miss all that and the relaxing times with her, but I could never

imagine how much exactly I would, or the deep hole I feel right in my chest.