A word of warning: These jokes are of an extremely crude and offensive nature.
If you are offended easily, don't read on.
Sicko.
W...FU Humor
Sex for a freshman in Johnson is like Herpes. You won’t get any unless you bring it with you.
Tribble is like a three hook bra on an ugly girl. It’s confusing as hell to find your way in, and once your there – you really have to think twice about what you’re about to do.
Frisbee golf, ultimate Frisbee, what is this shit? What ever happened to throwing a Frisbee at someone’s head – just for the sake of throwing shit at someone’s head?
How do you tell the difference between a frat boy and a fat boy? A fat boy isn’t lying when he says he has powdered sugar on his nose.
There are hundreds of hot girls on this campus...and not a one wants anything to do with me!
Despite
what your RA says, soccer and football are sanctioned indoor dorm sports.
I
wonder what Maya Angelou has to say about the Howler?
Whatever it is, I guarantee it won’t last more than eight minutes!
I fucking hate those surveys you take at the beginning of the year. I learned early that another word for Johnsonite is “Non Applicable”. I mourn my non-applicability. Drinking, no. Sex, fuck no…wait, that’s the problem! I finished my survey in like five minutes, and watched all of the other people mark their more interesting lives into little bubbles next to “Crabs” and “Shitfaced every weekend”.
I don’t want to fucking make fun of my RTA. I have the feeling he’s watching me right now. You know you’ve pissed your RTA off when your computer turns itself on and calls you a worthless prick. Then your printer starts spitting out sheets with bulls-eye’s drawn on them with your face in the 50-Spot. You restart your computer, and then you see a picture of yourself with a midget, a goat, and a whore. You thought it was a dream, and that no one would find out, but your RTA was watching. He’s always watching.
I was talking to this girl who…well frankly I wanted to jump right there in Mag Quad, and she gets a call on her cell phone. She answers it and starts talking lovingly to some asshole named Greg – the consummate “boyfriend-back-home”. She proceeded to tell me what a great guy Greg is, and how they promised to be faithful. She then gets a call from Graham the frat boy, whom she “met” last night. She tells him that her ass still hurts, and I can only imagine that it’s not from a rousing game of Parcheesi, chess, or backgammon.
Being a freshman it was an interesting sight at the football game to see everyone jangling their keys before a kickoff. It was also interesting to note that on each and every key chain there were four things. There were of course the horizontal pin, martian-looking room keys, and the bronzed mailbox key that hasn’t been used all semester. What struck me though were the last two items. On each key chain I saw there was a regulation 5 ought bottle opener, replete with battle scars from nameless frat parties – forgotten memories of forgotten stupors, and a key to an overpriced SUV. Some of the Chi O’s even had a pearl lanyard.
Ten things never said by a Frat Boy:
1. Come to think of it, I think I’ll take a water instead.
2.
Collar up, collar down? Collar up, collar
down?
3. Oh I couldn’t possibly, she’s far too drunk.
4. Aren’t you a little young to be here?
5. Yeah, lesbians don’t do it for me either.
6. Checkmate.
7. Pork, no thanks…
8. This is all going so fast, can’t we just take it slowly.
9. This part always makes me cry.
10. Hold me.
College Language
I
have compiled a list of the most original college language heard at
A-shid-did-I: An interrogative exclamation used primarily by the previously inebriated. For instance, upon waking up next to an unclothed 9.5 of the “Damn-U-Ugly” scale, a hungover fratboy might utter the following, “A-shid-did-I really just tap that ass?”
The D.U.U.D. Scale
I think that before I go on, I should address the “Damn-u-Ugly Doability” scale, or “DUUD”. This scale is a result of a sixty year study done by Fraternities United, or the FU, in conjunction with the American League of Liaisons. So the FU-ALL, as they called themselves, went around to all of the college campuses to determine what makes a girl truly ugly. Whether she is a Butterface, that is to say that everything on her body is great “butterface”, or if she is a one or two-bagger – you guys know what I’m talking about. They asked whether or not one had to be a butterface to qualify to be a two-bagger. As you can see the questions were quite in depth, and after years of exhaustive study the following scale was developed. Also investigated was the level of alcohol needed to supercede the DUUD scale.
The Damn-u-Ugly Doability Scale
1. Completely Do-able.
This girl is good looking – dare I say hot, funny, fun to talk to, and has one or two lovely assets, which set her apart from the next subclass…
2. Definitely Do-able.
This girl, like the prior is pretty, and fun to talk to, yet lacks the “assets” to
qualify as Completely Do-able.
3. Do-able.
This girl is relatively attractive and not “out of your league”, like one’s or two’s are. By no means is she “hot” in the most accepted terms.
4. Yeah, I’d do her.
This girl has no more than one flaw. This flaw could manifest itself in a nervous tick, turrets, you know things that can easily be overlooked, but flaws none the less.
5. I’d probably do her.
This girl is borderline ugly. She has a nice personality, but come on who’s really looking for personality these days.
6. I just hope my friends don’t find out.
She’s ugly, but there’s something about her that…that doesn’t … well…repulse you. Chances are if you are in the league for a six you are either a) desperate, or b) piss drunk.
7. Well, ummm.
We’ve all heard of the walk of shame, but it’s not shameful if you are too drunk to remember it, right? Beer goggles are a valid excuse for the Well, ummms. If you are sober, however, one has to wonder whether or not it is safe to leave you alone around sheep or other barnyard animals.
8. I’ve never been drunk enough.
There comes a point where a girl gets so hideous that beer goggles are not valid excuses. If a dog would look at her and go “aaauurrgh”, then she cannot be classified above this category.
9. Ogre.
Girls
of this category are simply indescribable. You’ve
seen them before walking in the mall with a tank top three sizes too small with
hooters four sizes too big. You avert your eyes lest she turn you into a flint
touchstone. You are usually safe
from nines at
10. You Fucking Kidding Me?
Dude she has a tail. A caudal tail is something that you just cannot resolve to ignore with or without a fifth down the hatch. It is there mocking you every minute, wagging at you if you get her excited. No amount of denial can save you from a ten