Trebek: Welcome to the Ancient Roman edition of Celebrity Jeopardy. Today we have brought three prominent historical figures from Roman history together for your viewing pleasure. They are her raising money for their respective charities. Our first contestant is an Irish monk whose goal in life is to find Heaven, which he believes is an island in the Atlantic Ocean. He enjoys eating shamrock with his little monastic brothers, and is playing for the Society of Jesuits. Please welcome Saint Brendan. (SLIDE 1) Our second contestant is a vestal virgin, whose hobbies include tending the sacred fire, celibacy, and paying homage to the holy goddess Vesta.

Connery: Manlia, isn’t that a weird name for a virgin?

Trebek: Ahem… that is Vestal virgin Mr. Connery. Anyway, playing for the Roman Singles Hotline, please welcome Manlia the Vestal, (Slide 2).

Trebek: Ah yes, and by default our returning champion from Edinburgh Scotland, a man whose hobbies include women, Bond Girls, Looking at … (Slide 3) Ok I can’t say that on TV...

Connery: And Making fun of you Trebek! Ha Ha.

Trebek: Yes well, how are all of you doing?

Brendan: Well.

Manlia: (in a deep voice) I suppose er… (higher) I suppose I am doing well.

Connery: The question is Trebek, how are you doing?

Trebek: I’m fine, but that’s not the point.

Connery: Not so chipper are we Trebek? Didn’t get any praeda this weekend eh?

Trebek: That is enough! Can we just begin our game.

Connery: A little testy aren’t we, I notice you’re wearing yellow Trebek, you must have remembered this is the ancient roman edition… Ha Ha Ha!!!

Trebek: Does your mother know that you talk like that?

Connery: No, but yours does!!!

Trebek: That’s enough. Can’t we just play the game? Let’s look at our categories: they are Ancient Geography (Slide 4), Latin Literature (Slide 5), Potent Potables (Slide 6), Famous Dates in Roman History (Slide 7), Food (Slide 8), and Roman Life (Slide 9). And so with out further ado led us begin the Jeopardy round. Mr. Brendan you won the coin toss back stage, and so why you don’t begin.

Brendan: That’s St. Brendan, thank you. Let me start with Geography for 100. (Slide 10)

Brendan: The island of the promised saints!

Trebek: No, I’m sorry that is incorrect, and please answer in the form of a question.

Connery: So let me get this straight she was the offspring of a bull and a queen?

Trebek: Yes

Connery: Yes, well that is disgusting.

Trebek: Do you have an answer or do you want to dwell on the origins of the Minotaur?

Connery: Do you like boves Trebek.

Trebek: No, and that is out of line.

Connery: I see no line.

Trebek: ENOUGH! The answer is “What is Crete?” Let’s pick a new question, Mr. Errr St. Brendan it is still your board.

Connery: (muttering) And, I’m getting bored.

Brendan: I’ll take Geography for 200 (11) “This island is home to the port cities of Pompei and Herculaneum, which were destroyed in Mt. Vesuvius’ eruption of 79 AD.”

Manlia: What is Sicily?

Trebek: That is correct. Manlia it’s your board now.

Manlia: I’ll take Potent Potables for 100 (12) This man is the author of the following lines “I sing of arms and a man.”

Connery: Big Willy Shakes

Trebek: What?

Connery: William Shakespeare

Trebek: No

Connery: Who is William Shakespeare?

Trebek: No Mr. Connery, the answer is not William Shakespeare, it is Publius…

Connery: (Giggling) What did you just say?

Trebek: Publius

Connery: A ha, just as I had expected.

Trebek: Mr. Connery if you would have let me finish, this quote was written by Publius Vergilius Maro. I’m sorry, Manlia it’s still your board.

Manlia: I’ll take Potent Potables for 300. (13) “This man is the author of the following lines ‘I love and I hate, how do I do this perhaps you ask.’” And no Mr. Connery, it is not Will Shakespeare.

Connery: Who is Gaius Valerius Catullus?

Trebek: OH my Goodness, well Mr. Connery you have, for the moment, seemed to have redeemed yourself. I never thought I would say this, but Mr. Connery it’s your board.

Connery: I’ll take Potent Pot if your ables Trebek ha ha ha!

Trebek: That is Potent Potables Mr. Connery. Anyway (14) This man is the author of the following lines “Carpe Diem”.

Connery: I think you got the quote wrong Trebek, he said Carpe Noctem! Ah hah hah.

Trebek: Anyone else. No The answer is “Who is Horace”

Connery: Did you just say…

Trebek: NEXT QUESTION!!!!!!!! In fact, I’ll pick this one. How about potent potables for 500 (15) This man is the author of the following lines “Semper ubi sub ubi”

Connery: Not Cato the younger! A ha ha

Trebek: That’s enough Mr. Connery.

Brendan: Who is ST. Barinthus?

Trebek: No, I’m sorry it wasn’t St. Barinthus. Come to think of it He would have benefited from that knowledge.

Brendan: As would the rest of the crew. On day at monk camp

Trebek: That is enough Brendan, we have a lady here.

Manlia: Where, oh right. (high pitched) He He

Connery: That girl just isn’t right.

Trebek: How about we try a new category now, Connery it is still your board.

Connery: I’ll take Latin literature for 100 (16)

Trebek: “This man wrote the Metamorphoses and the Ars Amatoria, or the art of loving.”

Connery: Well I don’t know about the first one, but I know that Leon Phelps, the ladies man, wrote the latter.

Trebek: No, Mr. Conner, the ladies man is not correct.

Connery: Who is Leon Phelps?

Trebek: No

Connery: Who is the ladies man?

Trebek: No

Connery: Who’s your daddy?

Trebek: No, Mr. Connery you are very, very, wrong.

Connery: And you Mr. Trebek are an over-sensitive caprimulgus.

Trebek: That was uncalled for, Connery.

Manlia: Who is Publius Ovidius Naso?

Trebek: Thank you, Manlia. You are a scholar and a gentleman… er gentlewoman.

Manlia: All right Trebek I’ll try Latin literature for 500(17) (DAILY DOUBLE)

Trebek: Ah the daily double, well how much would you like to bet on this one.

Manlia: I’ll wager 1,000 asses.

Connery: So we’re betting with donkeys now are we Trebek. I see how it goes. I’ll see your ass and raise you one.

Trebek: Mr. Connery, need I remind you that this is not your question?

Connery: Betting in livestock, what will those Romans think of next!

Trebek: I’m sorry, Virgin Manlia, where was I, ah yes, (18) “This Greek author may not have even been a real person, but a group of people. If however he is a real person he would have gained great personal acclaim for his novels the Iliad and the Odyssey.”

Manlia: Who is Homer?

Trebek: That’s right.

Connery: Oh, You’re making it too easy for me Trebek.

Manlia: I’ll take Famous dates for 200 (19).

Trebek: 43 BC

Brendan: Ah, that aforementioned year I set out with my little monastic brothers. I said to them saying, little brothers do not fear the islands on which grows a giant forest who suddenly dive into the icy depths of the dark blue sea. I set off crossing myself on all four sides with the holy weapon of God. Once we had eaten our allotment of shamrock, well I don’t quite remember…

Trebek: No, I’m sorry, anyone else?

Connery: When was Julius Caesar killed?

Trebek: What was that?

Connery: When was Julius Caesar killed?

Trebek: Oh, my you are right.

(Ringing of a bell)

Trebek: Yes, well that sound means that we have time for one more question in this round. How about Roman life for 500. (20) If a roman wanted to get a massage he would come here.

Connery: Oh, Trebek, I think you know!!

Trebek: That’s all the time we have for this round, please stay tuned for double jeopardy while we break for commercials.

Trebek: Hello, and welcome back to the Ancient Roman Edition of Celebrity Jeopardy. We are going to take a new approach to this round. First off, we have turned off Mr. Connery’s buzzer, and taped his mouth shut, hopefully to allow this round to run a little more smoothly. So now, let us get to the categories. This just in , it seems that Mr. Connery has been warned by the Censors that if he makes any snide remarks which they understand to be offensive, they will personally escort him out of the building. What a shame. Well without further adieu, let us look at the double jeopardy (21) categories : Cities (22), Dum as a Clause (23), Num Nutat (24), which literally means “Surely he didn’t waver.” This category discusses characters throughout roman history remained loyal to the cause. Semiviri (25), a category dedicated to the lost breed of Mythological heroes who were only part man…

Connery: (with tape still on his mouth) (Laughs)

Trebek: What’s so funny?

Connery: (Rips the tape off) Ah, so it’s a category about your life Trebek. Oh Trebek, you are making this too easy for me.

Trebek: Witty as usual Mr. Connery. Moving right along to the next category Famous people named Augustus (26), Verba Dicta (27)(Connery Laughs) and the Number Sex (28).

Connery: This is my lucky day…

Trebek: That means six Mr. Connery.

Connery: Oh, sure it does Trebek, sure it does.

Trebek: That will be sufficient Mr. Connery. With the strong desire to forget about the last round, I shall now let Manlia choose the category. Where is Manlia? Connery what did you do with our Vestal Virgin?

Connery: Let’s just say that she wasn’t qualified for that name, nor that dress. I’ve seen some things in my days Trebek, but let me tell you lacked the er… credentials to be a Vestal Virgin. I checked myself.

Trebek: What do you mean Connery?

Connery: Well, to quote a great philosopher by the name of Powers, “She was a man, man”.

Trebek: Oh, well, I fear that we will have to fill the void left by Manlia with a fellow Vestal… a fellow Virgin, oh just a fellow.

Connery: Trebek, May I suggest a lovely Vestal I met before the show. He name was Flaminia.

Trebek: Mr. Connery, I fear that she is at this very moment being buried alive, and so let us continue now with only you and the good Saint.

Connery: Very Well, Petasunculus.

Trebek: Did you just call me a little ham?

Connery: Would you hold it against me?

Trebek: Yes, yes I would. St. Brendan, why don’t you go first.

Br Having just disembarked from the realm of the Jeopardy round, and on all sides approaching the Island of the promise of the saints, I saw on the horizon a giant island with a low growing forest, and as we landed…

Trebek: Yes well, why don’t you pick…

Brendan: Do not interrupt the Brendan. I will take Dum as (mispronounced but interrupted by Connery).

Connery: He just said…

Trebek: No he didn’t.

Connery: Oh, I think he did Trebek.

Trebek: Shut up, Sancti how about Dum as a Clause (Connery laughs) for $600. (29) “While is a meaning of Dum. Give a meaning of Dum” (silence) Anybody? No Oh, Saint Brendan, thank - well you know who.

Brendan: I say, saying, I merely wished to determine whether or not my instrument of signaling was functional.

Trebek: Very good, do you have an answer?

Brendan: What was the Question.

Trebek: I just asked the question.

Connery: Don’t be so hard on him you Canadian excetra?

Trebek: Excuse me

Connery: You heard me., You Canuck.

Trebek: That I did Mr. Connery, That I did. Anywho the answer was “What is While”.

Connery: It’s a subordinating conjunction, you stupid git.

Trebek: Yes well, who has control of the board.

Connery: Connery, I have to ask you about that Dicta category.

Trebek: Ok, Verba Dicta for 200. (30) This famous author pinned the quote “Carpe Diem”.

SB Me

Trebek: No you didn’t

SB Yes, I did.

Trebek: No, you’re a highly illiterate, highly stoned monk who sails the seas in a boat made of cowhide and butter. Enough said. You are a complete and utter moron.

Connery: I’d say it takes one to know one, Trebek.

Trebek: Witty Connery, very witty. The answer was, oh never mind.

Connery: Say it Trebek, say it!

Trebek: Horace

Connery: Takes one to know one!

Trebek: If you knew the answer, why didn’t you just say it.

Connery: Because, Trebek, I like to see you squirm (He laughs)

Trebek: Yes well, let’s try another category.

Connery: I’ll take the “Num Nut” category.

Trebek: It’s “Num Nutat”.

Connery: Okay, Num Nuts for $600

Trebek: Why do I even bother. Alright here goes. It’s…

Connery: A category dedicated to you Trebek. This should be fun.

Trebek: Not wishing to give you the slightest bit of pleasure, Mr. Connery, I will transfer control of the board to St. Brendan.

Connery: (under his breath to Brendan:) Pick Num Nuts.

Brendan: Yes, I’ll take Num Nuts.

Trebek: First off, it is Num Nutat, and secondly No You Won’t.

Connery: A little defensive aren’t we Trebek. Does someone not want the audience to know….

Trebek: NO! NO! NO!

Connery: Fine, I’ll take Dumb as a Clause. Although Trebek, I fear that’s not the holiday spirit.

Trebek: Are you Gallic or retarded!? How about Cities for $1000. It’s an audio clue. (31) “ROME” (pause) “The Answer is Rome” (pause) “Please dear God somebody say Rome.” (Pause)

Trebek: And this game has reached an all time low. So as not to lose any more money for your respective charities, let us now proceed to final jeopardy. The category is “IMPERATIVES”. But first, Johnny, tell them what they’ll win.

JO Third place will receive a lifetime supply of Sicilian Garum - the fish sauce even the mackerel like. The second place finisher will receive a brand new Praeda Raeda courtesy of the lovely people over at Booty Busses R’ Us. And finally the winner of today’s game will not only walk away with $10,000 dollars cash, but also an all expenses paid four day three night trip to the Pompeian Day spa. The Spa is nestled in the shadow of the lovely dormant volcano Vesuvius.

Trebek: And now the clue.(32) “Give a Latin Imperative, any Latin imperative.” (MUSIC INTERLUDE)

Trebek: Let us see if Either one of you came up with a correct answer to this ridiculously easy question. Let us start with our leader, St. Brendan. Your answer was (PICTURE OF A SHAMROCK)(33). No I’m sorry, I was looking for a word. Let’s see what you wagered. (PICTURE OF A SHAMROCK)(33. 5) That picture is worthless.

Connery: Oh, but This one isn’t Trebek!!! (displaying picture of the naked monk on the mast of the ship). Is there something that you want to tell us all Trebek?

Trebek: Witty Mr. Connery, Very Witty. I shudder to think what you wagered. Oh well, let’s see it. Your pitiful attempt at redemption was (FAC)(34). Oh my Deus. That is right Mr. Connery, you actually came up with an imperative. Fac is even an irregular imperative. Let us see what you wagered. (ME)(34. 5)

Connery: Victory is mine Trebek. Ha ha ha.

Trebek: (With Connery laughing in the background) And this just proves that this show is a horrendous waste of my time, for we have again cheated three perfectly good charities out of their deserved money. I have said it once, and I shall say it again - This game has reached an all time low!!!