"sometimes i wonder why i wasted mad years,
tracing your initials on the backs of my palms."
"oh why must you ponder on the things of the past.
first to last, we were never ever really meant to last."

;&://musical_INTROSPECTION

you know you enjoy the song. the beat, the lyrics. the fact that it speaks on relationships in all it's bitter truth. why has this song remained on my page for so long? to serve as a reminder that i am NO ONE'S doormat, no one's trophy girl, no one's escape. i am a person, to be respected, appreciated and loved. for so many years i wasted my life trying to save lost causes and search for the good beneath the many layers of bad in people. here's the song name so you mindless "hiphop! hiphop!" fucks can go download it spit even more bullshit about underground and how it's so dope and so fresh. when in actuality hiphop is in your head cause all you care about is spittin trendy tracks when the truth is, hiphop should be in your hearts. fuckin nimrods. son of ran_till death do us part

;&://side_NOTE

freshjiive[XANGA] every now and then i will come here and put a piece or two from my xanga on here as a simple update. however, other than that, i refuse to assimilate myself into an online community marketed mainly for asians. the "urban/asian" trend disgusts me and i'm trying to get away with my sanity still intact

;&://xanga_GLIMPSE

last_shown: 05252003 ;&:// the reality beneath_the facade i remember as a child and later as i was growing up, i pretended to be so many different people with so many opinions, ideas, personalities and lifestyles. to this day, i'm not quite sure how i became that way. perhaps those "people" were an escape from the life i led at home. as a child, i felt that if i pleased my parents, i wouldn't be abused. i was wrong but i still continued to be a different person with everyone that i met only to please them. i was everything everyone wanted. but there was one person who couldn't stand me... any of the personalities, any of the pleasantries, any of the lifestyles. she hated it so much that eventually i forced myself to change. the girl who hated me so much was myself... my true self. i could not stand the person i had become or the people i was trying to be. so often i walked away from a person feeling empty and lost because i didn't know who i was without that person. i was everything they had wanted me to be [whether they were friends or lovers] and when the relationship ended, i was a clean slate again, ready to be molded and impressioned. perhaps that's why it's easier to move on now and make myself happy. i know who i am. i have found that it is far too difficult to be someone other than myself. if i am myself, i can always rely on myself, make myself happy and believe in myself. there will be no aspects of myself that i will doubt. i will be infinite, everlasting, strong and true>. through all the hardships, the fakeness and the nothingness that i had become, i regret none of it. looking back, i was the type of person i have now come to despise, but the experience made me better. in some ways, i feel sorry for people who are the way i once was. something must weigh heavy on their heart in order for them to hide their true selves. whatever it may be, i hope they find the strength of themselves within. the only person i'll ever want to be or aspire to be is ME. ;&://poetic_irony i pay tribute now... my overdue homage to who i am and where i come from. the women whose tears i absorbed into my very soul. the beauty i admired and aspired to attain throughout my childhood and even now. these women sacrificed, endured and overcame more than i can ever imagine in their beautiful and scarred lives. these women inspire me to persevere, forge ahead and live for myself. no man will ever take away what they have instilled from an early age: your best lover will always be the one within. only you can truly understand your passions, your weaknesses, your ultimate happiness or your ultimate downfall. like every human, these women have made mistakes and carry with them deeply rooted regrets. but what separates them from the rest of the weak-minded and the heavy-hearted is that their blood runs strong, their blood runs deep. their blood is resilient, in all its glorified brilliance. ://shared_PIECE My blood runs strong, my blood runs deep. I come from a line of women who sacrificed everything they wanted to keep. I come from a grandmother who watched her soul mate break their marriage vows And endured more pain than life should allow. My blood runs strong, my blood runs deep: The strength comes from strife hidden beneath. I come from a mother who was beaten with words and broken down Until there was no way left for her but out. My blood runs strong, my blood runs deep: It continues to persevere and survive when fear consumes me. I come from an aunt who watched her 2nd born child die by the hand of her other son And still managed to be a beautiful mother after all that had been done. My blood runs strong, my blood runs deep it runs its course strong and true despite all obstacles i meet. I come from a cousin who tried to OD when she could no longer take the pain But pulled through to find the sunshine beyond the rain. My blood runs strong, my blood runs deep It melts away the walls I build to try and run away like dissolving ice near heat. I come from a woman within who knew I deserved so much more Than what I continually settled for. My blood runs strong, my blood runs deep: It seeps into and mingles with the women around me. I come from a line of women not really my own But they are friends: my blood is their blood and I know I’ll never truly be alone. My blood runs strong, my blood runs deep: I come from women who put aside their own desires just to let things be Their courage comes from men who struck them down and underestimated their power Until they pushed them to the edge: the last second, the final minute, the breaking hour. My blood is resilient, in all its glorified brilliance. My blood runs strong, my blood runs deep. In one prick, one slash, one scrape I see the beauty of the women in my lives that they refused to let any man take away. My blood runs strong, My blood runs deep. -|v!ctor!a anne|-