Doggy Dictionary

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Doggy Dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar,
enabling you to lead your person where
you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface,
such as the white bedspread in the guest room
or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have
food and you don't. To do this properly you must
sit as close as you can and look sad and let the
drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet
other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can
to the other dog s rear end and inhale deeply,
repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors
put out once a week to test your ingenuity.
You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the
lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded
with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume
and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented
for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit,
you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly
and run alongside for a few yards; the person then
swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when
their person wants them in and they want to stay out.
Symptoms include staring blankly at the person,
then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming
to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during
thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of
the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting,
rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper,
envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored,
turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the
house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people.
After eating it is polite to run up and down the
front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans
drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can
help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the
command "sit !", especially if your person is
dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective
before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention
when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort
when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention
you require.....especially effective when combined
with The Sniff. See above.