Theatrical Gyms - Articles - Goobiegirl

Article added on 10/28/02

Going to the gym is my way of giving myself an hour a day away from the world. I pretend that I'm getting ready to train for one of those incredible triathalons in which I'll be awarded one of those gold plated metals by a handsome announcer who tells the entire world that despite a busy day to day schedule, the GIRL DID NOT FORGET HER THIGHS. I take pride in the fact that I do not need to dress up as getting sweaty requires little from you in that if you place your DO NOT DISTURB sign on your forehead just.....right.....you can usually retreat into bizarre fantasies of getaway islands, unlimited shopping sprees and exotic men, all while stepping to Madonna's "Music" and Pink's "Get The Party On." I put on my three way blinders and wrap my towel around my neck, and as I'm gazing from the top floor of the aerobic machines, I can look below to the first floor of the gym where a show is taking place. Depending on which day, the show's title can vary, but the players are all the same. Don't worry, even if you're not a big theater fan, I bet you've seen parts of each of these shows:

Hairspray: A show featuring various housewives who drag their screaming brats to the child care room while fixing their hair in the gym mirrors and picking the wedgies out from their Jane Fonda leotards because they keep getting stuck up the crack of their asses and the 70 year old men keep fantasizing about how one day, perhaps the lonely housewife will turn to them at the shoulder press and beg them to fix it for them.

Grease: A comedy about a fat man who had a compulsion to run hair wax through his thinning hair and part it to one side while wearing his wife beater tank and sweating on each of the machines, never remembering that the reason why you are given a towel at the gym is to USE IT.

Les Miserables: A long-epic tale of the angry housewives who resent the fact that their younger counterparts still have a reason to work out, and that they resent every person in the gym for still having choices. The show climaxes with one particular 40-something strangling her personal trainer because he didn't tell her enough times that she's not fat.

A Chorus Line: In this show, come see how all of the personal trainers stare the members down because deep down, they have a complex because in their world, being a full time, $7 an hour meathead means that they are somehow better than you, even if they're still driving a Chevy Impala and shitting blue in the lockeroom from eating all of those protein bars.

The Lion King: A story about a GOLDS gym owner who dominated the gym world by appearing very friendly and chummy as he was swiping your credit card during membership, but develops an overpowering personality in Act Two by deciding that he is better than everyone because he can sit in his private little office with the glass window knowing that he is ripping off everyone who is, in actuality, supporting his online pornography addiction.

Rent: What you can't afford to pay if you're using The Washington Sports Club, The University Club, or Crunch gyms.

The Importance of Being EarnestA show in which all young twenty something women try to get the chorus(a room full of eye-gazing, tongue drooling, candy hoping men) to try and learn about How To Pick A Woman Tastefully At The Gym.

These are just a few of the shows you can see when you hit your local gym. Mind you, you have a choice between being a player or an observer, but in my opinion, there is still nothing that can beat the sun hitting your face as you trudge up a mountain in your hiking boots with a dog by your side, pulling you, to be sure to get to the top.

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