Orchestra of Thought
Rain falls to make a song, an orchestra of thought
The scented mists of waterfalls pacify the soul
The simple beauty of serene streams
Falling from the sky to hit the earth
This sort of silence you can hear
I feel newborn to this
Calmed by the sounds of the ocean
I’ve seen it a million times before
Yet somehow it always seems new
This sort of beauty never dies
Here I can finally breathe
Freed form the suffocation of recycled air
With greed I drink it in
Almost enough to satisfy insatiable hunger
But not quite, never will this hunger end
Always will I starve, even after death?
I’m not sure what I need
I’m not sure what I’m lacking
But I know it’s forever beyond my reach
I will always be searching
A hero puts on a happy face, he says
I hero learns to forge a smile, I know
Is that bravery or cowardice?
…Or somewhere in the middle?
This leaves me where? I ask the air at my fingers
Hushed whispers in a quite room
The sweet song of laughter reaching out for me
I run form it, out into the orchestra of rain
It consoles the soul, I know…
***********************************************
Realization
Realization comes as a slap in the face
All those hours spent alone in tears
All those months of sleep
Drifting in and out of contiousness
Wasted days, the clock still ticks the hours away
Selfishness and vanity are not the same
Oh, how could I forget?
Self-deprecation is not self-examination
Oh, how could I forget?
Keep me away from the mirror, my love
For I may kill what appears
I can’t expect someone to save me
When I will not save myself
I can’t expect anyone to care for me
If I will not do the same
In return, I must work for change
I must pull myself out of this pit
I can see the light beyond
I know I can survive
If only I try
I am not worthless, but…
Realization comes as a slap in the face
************************************************
In Your Garden
Cherry blossom lips become venom
Dripping from your teeth
Blood, the poison pumps through your veins
Now it’s bleeding from your eyes
Tears of brine bleach lines down your face
Kiss them away with butterfly wings
Colours blur together,
The paint is smeared across your skin
The days, they pass to quickly
These nights, they seem to long
I’m wasting my breath on you
I think I’m wasting my time
I think I may be lost
I think I might be trapped here
I think I might be drowning
In your fountain of beauty
Beneath your rose petal lies
So soft against my skin
Revives me, my life support
I don’t know what I’m doing
I don’t know what I’m writing anymore
These tears are like acid as they run down my cheeks
They feel so fake, I am lying
I have not earned it so
I don’t deserve this relief
I don’t deserve what I have
I deserve to drown in tears
Be buried under the dirt I have created
To suffocate beneath the pain that I have caused
I smile so fake and laugh in deceit
I don’t know what I’m doing
I am lost in your garden
Familiar sights engulf,
Fluorescent waves of memories returned to haunt,
Accompaniment of natures song
These perfume scents I know to well
I am here in your garden
**********************************************
A Song
keep on wishing for something i'm not
for all the battles i will survive
there are few that i have fought
yet i wonder if i will emerge from this ocean alive
I can't wake up
(i'm crying)
I must wake up
(won't you help me?)
I can't wake up
this is so much harder then it seems
this isnt what this is supposed to be, adolesence
trapped here, i will never see my dreams
this life drains from me my essence
screaming my soul sighs
drowning on dry land
everytime i smile, i always find it quikly dies
i know it burns, but i can't escape the brand
I can't wake up
(i'm screaming)
I must wake up
(won't you hear me?)
I can't get up
this is enough
this is too much
******************************************************
July’s December
My July’s December has come
Chilling me so deep
I can feel my soul shivering
I can hear my mind screaming
I’ve thrown myself into a pit
From which I can’t climb out of
An attempt at self-murder
Drinking the pooling blood from razor blades
Lapping it up like water
Won’t clench my thirst the way you could
I need someone to hear me
I’m crying out, don’t you hear me crying?
Can’t you hear me crying?
Why don’t you help me…?
***************************************************
Cradling My Sorrow
Staring straight ahead
Don’t know which way I’m gunna go.
Tears cutting rivers through my cheeks
To land at my feet like an ocean
I swim in them
Bask in my misery
If life hands you lemons…
If I can enjoy it, it’s worth the pain
Allow it to grow
It’s the only thing I have left to grip
I’ll cradle it in my arms
It’s the only thing left that’s real
So I can’t let it fall
I can risk it braking
I don’t want to loss this sorrow
It’s my only source of heat
When everything is so cold
Everything is changing to so fast
Moving so quickly it’s just a blur
I’m so afraid, I don’t want it to change
Colours swiftly passing
As the sunrises it sets
I know now that I’m dying
I’ve been dying since birth
So I cradle my misery
It’s some thing to hold
**************************************************
Emotions I Can’t Express (Their Words)
I wish they could just allow me to breathe
Take the pillow from my face and grant me air
But their gaze still burns like fire
Still stripes me on my meaning
To leave me naked, shivering, alone
With no purpose to clothe me
I’m walking on hot coals
And pretending to smile
Everything I am disappears
I become ash as I slowly fall to pieces
When I am alone and away from their eyes
With no cheap plastic smile draped upon my face
My own eyes bleed an ocean for their words
This emotion makes me want to sleep
But keeps me up all night
My body fatigued
My mind racing
My thoughts won’t let me rest
Oh, how I wish to live
For normality and true smiles
For love and visibility
But my thoughts still there to remind me
That perhaps though invisibility
I can find invincibility
I must stay invisible
They can’t hurt me then
So I suppose I’ll hid another year away
In a room painted red to reflect
And to suppress
Under salt stained sheets I lie
On white carpeted floors I cry
Swimming in an ocean
Of both music and thought
I blare those words I could never write
Those emotions I can’t express
Summed so beautifully in imperfection
His tired voice trembling
Overflowing with anguish
I sing along
As the words resonate through my essence
Through my soul
As I think and lie awake for hours
Wishing their words would die
They don’t
They cut me deep again
And I still cry each time
Why can’t I just go numb?
I wish they’re words would die
But they don’t
They only linger on…
***************************************************
The World Outside My Window
The world outside my window,
Concrete, glass and metal,
Collide with slowly dying soil.
It prevents the trees from breathing,
Excreting death for all those desiring life.
So if you’re still truly living, I’d run.
The smokestacks block the sun,
Soon the Green will die, and Grey will have won.
All I want to do is sleep.
Lay down in a bed of dirt,
Beneath a blanket of soil,
So I don’t have to witness the destruction.
For there I would be pure,
To be the earth or be the dirt.
I would be beautiful.
To feel as though I’d given back,
Though never truly out of debt,
For the destruction I have caused.
***************************************************
Material Life
Colours dance across the sky
Your beautiful before you die
Don’t try to lie, express this “Love”
An idea sold on a hallmark card
They own it now; it’s cheapened by a price tag
Everything’s material
And everything is fake
Once we die we fade away
And once we fade, we’re forgotten
Like childhood toys, growing dust in the attic
Like pictures ripped and scratched in anger
Time inches by with the ticking of a clock
Ripping the pages from a calendar
So quickly the days disappear
The minutes crawl so slowly
How horrible it is
To smile when you want to cry
To live in endless fear
How sad it is
How little life is really worth
**************************************************
Plastic Smile and the Sugar Coated Sweet Talk
Plastic Smile
And the Sugar Coated Sweet Talk
Never been in Love
Convinced it’s non-exsistant
But baby,
I wanna be proved wrong
But baby,
I wanna hear you say “I told you so”
With those sugar coated lips
So I could throw away my plastic smile
*******************************************************
Sweet Sleep
This place is a disgrace,
My life has no meaning,
I’m so lost and so dazed,
With no sense of direction.
Trying to catch my breath,
I can’t, Been running far too long,
From nothing, To nothing,
Going no where at all.
Wonder what it would be like,
Not to breathe at all,
Deep sleep, just sleep,
All I want to do is sleep.
Been thinking too much lately,
I don’t want to think,
I don’t want to live,
I just want to sleep, just sleep.
*******************************************************
Dirty Jeans
Dirty Jeans
The Murder, The Fire, The Screams
It smells like death here
Forked tounges spitting out false facts
They sell it with a smile
Telling us it’s all allright
We, the Winners
We will Win
Fuck it
Stick the label on my head
I’ve given up, I’ll Drown
Hang me on a purple noose
I’m choking on the Fumes
But no one cares
Budding Flowers Wilt
Been robbed of the nutrients They need for them to
Grow
We’ve tried to stop it before
No use, No hope
‘Cause still we buy these
Dirty Jeans
***************************************************
Nostalgia
Lately I’ve been feeling a little nostalgic
Thinking of the way things were
Before, not now,
Those days of happiness are dead
Dead as the warm painted pavement
That suffocates the earth
The street beyond my door
So full of life
Of love, of laughter and tears,
So full of hate.
As dead as dead can be.
I don’t live there anymore
I want to escape
To a world where I don’t have to die,
I already am, sleeping
Sometimes I sleep all day and night
Walk through the halls of my school in a dream
Sometimes I lie awake all night and think,
About the only place I want to be,
Where I am too afraid to go,
My eyes burning in insomnia,
I cry myself dry,
Until my head feels as if it will implode
Under the weight of my denial,
I want to sleep, to escape, but I can’t so I suffocate
Trapped inside my coffin, left to choke on my longing.
The other night I laughed at nothing,
Until I felt as though my lungs would explode
Then suddenly I began to cry
I cried until my eyes ran dry
And then I fell asleep
….Lately I’ve been feeling a little nostalgic….
