Hmmm....
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: You're So Last Summer- Taking Back Sunday
Topic: life sucks...
I've have no idea why I've'm so depressed all the time. My life'sreally not that hard. Comments of others have stopped a little, no, alot, almost completely, yet still I've feel a need to hold they're words close to me. I've shouldn't, because that gives them worth. I've keep holding on, Adan it hurts so much. It's just another form of self deprecation. Another thing which I've am not sure why I've do. Adan I've have friends that I've know care for me Adan love me, yet I've seem determined to separate myself from them, Adan not trust them. Lately I've've preferred solitude to any interaction with those I've love. This is strange, because even though I've feel so lonely it hurts, I've still can't bring myself to stop this isolation. I've am looking forward to school as I've will be forced to see them, Adan maybe that would help me feel better. But at the same time, it scares me shitless. I've can just see myself breaking down in the hall Adan making an ass of myself. I've've berm doing that alot, Adan it's embarrassing enough around strangers, yet alone around my friends Adan enemy's. The people I've have to see everyday. These sudden nervous attacks have no prompt either, I've just suddenly feel like.. I've don't know how to explain it. I've'm just suddenly hit with a million realizations at once; like the fact the I've am so small, Adan meaningless, Adan worthless in this world. Adan that my depression is selfish as I've have no reason to feel like this. That we are all lost. I've was walking down the street a few days ago alone when this happened. I've made eye contact with a women that was walking past me, Adan something in them seemed to scream for help. My heart started beating faster, my breathe got all fucked, Adan I've started walking faster. Suddenly I've started crying, not the sobbing kind, but the silent kind. I've was started because I've didn't realize I've was even crying until I've felt a tear drop roll down my cheek adn my vision went blurry. Sometimes I've feel lost, like I've saw in that womens eyes. I've feel a weight over my shoulders Adan on my chest that I've can't even begin to explain. sometimes I've feel like I've'm screaming Adan no one can even hear me. I've feel like I've've beem screaming for ever, I've don't know how to make people realize I've'm hurting. I've need someone to tell me everything will be all right. but no ones there. I've feel so lonely I've don't know what to do. I've cant stop crying. It's all I've ever do when I've'm alone. Adan it hurts so so bad, I've don't know what to do. I've'm just shy of 15, should I've really be feeling this way? I've thought these where supposed to be the best years of our lives...? I've'm screaming. I've want so badly to be helped. I've don't know.. "I've don't know".. thats all I've ever say anymore...
I've should probably stop typing since this pointless entry has gone on to long already. Not like anyone reads this...

stupid key!
Mood:  vegas lucky
Now Playing: switchblade symphony- naked birthday
Topic: life sucks...
went to kaylyns birthday the other day. she told me to bring my bikini so i wore it there, with out even thinging hey, we're going swimming, perhaps i should bring a change of clothes.
before i left i realized id forgotten my key, so i asked my mom if she could take it from my floor and put it under the mat. apparently she couldnt find my key so she put hers under and went out. i took the key when i left again after changeing without even thinking. i though id be home by 11, but then thae pizza didnt get there till 10 and we ad to movies. i forgoit about the key so my mom was locked out, lol.
its kinda funny looking back on it, but i got in ALOT of shit, lol!

omg.. i feel so fucking giulty..
Mood:  down
Now Playing: entry way song- bright eyes
Topic: life sucks...
im a horrible, hypocritical person. i am so selfish. im a backstabbing whore. i know im not really friends with sammi. but shes a nice girl, and ive been such a bitch. i complain and complain and complain about other people without even takeing a moment to examine myself and my own actions. i need to learn to be less quick to judge others, and take more time to judge myself. and stop being a selfish whore. im a horrible perosn. i cant live like thing any more. its not me. it doesnt feel right. i need self-examination vs. self deprecation, becasue the later wont get me anywhere... im such a horrible person. FUCK.

fahrenheit 911
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: desaparecidos- happiest place on earth
Topic: events..
is the best movie i have ever seen!
i actually cried in 4 parts of the movie! they werent even attacking soldiers, just civilians! this one women lost her son, who was a soldier. in his last letter home he said that he couldt see a reason for them to be there, that they were only attacking civilians. that he was exremely angry at his government for sacraficeing theyre own people under false pretences. in the last line, he wrote that he couldnt wait to get home and see his new baby cousin. he never got to see his baby cousin because he died just 2 weeks later.
another example of how horrible this war was was that they bombed this one womens uncles home. there were no soldiers ther, no military, no one. she has 5 funerals from that one day.one man held up his dead baby son, and asked what his child did. asked if he bombed the us. he was screaming and crying. it was so sad.
george bush is an idiot too. i will leave you with the qoute from the end of the movie:
"theres a sayin in tennesee, well its in texas so i guess its in tennesee too,if you fool me one..uh..shame on you.. if you fool me twice.. uh.. well you cant cuz you fooled me once and you cant fool me again!" lmfao!

another days bitchings...
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: the faint- agenda suicide
Topic: life sucks...
ahh! im sick! wtf?! its summer! i wait all year for summer because its the one time of year im NOT SICK! fuck! i better be feeling better by tommorow or i'll..i'll.. BE SICK! GOD-FUCKIN-DAMMIT! lol! this blooowwwwwsssss! oh well, it's not to bad. i feel bad about ditching kayla for going to the pool, but if i go ill probably get sicker, so.. yeah.
...
song qoute just because:
"cuz it's the ones with the sorest throughts, laura, that have done the most singin'!"
-Laura Laurent- Bright Eyes-

anothing day...
i feel invisable. i am transparent. i could stand in the middle of a shopping mall screaming and no one would so much as turn around.. i have reassessed by relization nad relized its bullshit. well, half-bullahip, i still beleive that i cant kill myself because its selfish. but i also know that its fear of death that keeps me from dieing, and fear of life that keeps me from liveing. i am eternally torn between the two, streched across a canyon of confusion. each day that passes i grow a little weaker, slip a little farther into confusion, and pretty soon, unless i find a way to lose the burden of one of my fears, preferably life, but possibly death, i fear i lose my grip completely and plummet into the dark pit looming beneath me. i dont want to fall, but i know its gunna happen. or maybe i do. i dunno. i already know that i want someone to see me, i relized this on shrooms as well. i just want someone to hear my crys and save me and they surely would if i fall completely into insanity and confusion. i know i sound like an attention whore, but really im just scared. im a scared little fucking girl, i try to act all independant but really i am completely dependant. ive always been dependant on something, as a child, i was dependant on my mother, then i was dependant on my friends and their reassurances, then i was dependant on anything that could numb me (mainly pot), when i quit that i became dependant on friends again. they are what keeps me a float, they are my air supply. i am so scared, but they stifle my fears. thats why this summer has been so horrible, no one calls me anymore. i guess i always felt like the "ringleader" of our group, well the loser part of it anyways.. i dont know why cuz i know it was probably bekki or steph, i guess it made me feel confident. no one calls me anymore, i never see them anymore, ive been so numb this summer that it's seemed like a dream. latelys been a bit better because bekki and ashley have wanted to hang out more, but i still cant look back at the last couple months without it seeming like a dream, it seems to me that entire weeks are missing, forgotten. this is the most confusing time in my life, im going through i period of learning i guess, learning about myself and others, and my interaction with others, and i guess that scares me.. a feeling nostalgia keeps returning in nauseating waves, and i dont know how much more of this i can handle..
if this made no sence, im sorry, im just organizing my thought, it doesnt have to make sence i guess.

lacking sleep...
i'm so tired! fuck! its not like i dont sleep enough or anything... oh well.
today i did nothing, went to ashleys for maybe an hour, then sat around all day... as usual.
why is it that everytimes you feel excepted, everytime someone tells you you are, you always find out its a lie? well, at least for me..
am i really that un-likable?

'Shrooms..
so last night was interesting. me and bekki took some mushrooms..which by the way are my new favourite drug. i love how you can think shraight, straighter then usual even, as oppose to pot, were you just get stupid and cant make any sence of your thoughts. i figured out alot last night from just thinking, it was as if my mind was freed when i was on them. i now know that i could never kill myself, that there are reasons to live. our family, friends, our loved ones, who would hurt so bad if we died, and although the bad times still outwheigh the good,the good times are still worth living for. those moments of happiness, those times when we do smile and laugh, and its for real not faked, are worth all the times we have to put on a happy face while really we're dieing inside. in those moments you are no longer numb, and even if its painful to live numb the majority of time,s those moments are still there to anticipate. i dont know if that made any sence, but im just writing here.
i did tripp out alot, and half the time it was a bit of a bad trip. for a while whenever i closed my eyes all i could see was a dead women, her face all pale and blue, her eyes were open, but they were just a green glow, there was no pupil or iris. i remember looking at the ground and seeing it moveing and all i could think was " its trying to breathe, we're killing it, we're choking the earth" and wanting to die. but then i was also imagining i was an ant in a jungle that too us is just a bush, and seeign faeries in burns bogs, so i guess it was about equal..
it was really fun, but we got caught by her mom. i cant get caught again but we still have soem left. i wanna see if i can get them from her if she doesnt have to pay me for her share becasue i know stephy wants to try them, and bekki didnt pay..
anyways.. it was super fun!
i hope i can do it again soon!

QUIZ!

Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Conor Oberst ....
"Anything beautiful fades away, and anything ugly fades away, too. It almost hurts to love things, because they have to stop being that. And that's just the nature of life."
he's so beautiful! i want to go to one of his concerts just to be in his presence. ahh! i want to fuck him too, but. too bad hes like 10 years older then me:(