Index
A Hundred Years Inside my Room
A hundred years inside my room.
I looked outside my window
And watched the children play.
I saw myself there and thought
Everything was going to be okay.
A hundred years inside my room.
I thought and prayed.
I had never been beyond the silent walls
And in the depths I stayed.
A hundred years inside my room.
The tears fell like rain, crying every night,
Pushing the pains away.
Trying to find some way
That I could touch a face and maybe go back home.
Some distant place, I could call my own.
A hundred years inside my room.
I wrote some stories to myself
And dreamed of other ways.
Maybe someday, someone could reach inside
And call my name.
With no place else to hide emotions like a storm.
Trying to be anyone else strong enough
To take them on.
A hundred years inside my room.
I reached into myself and grasped the child.
A warrior holding tightly to the pricless one.
Clinging to the breath of life
And holding on to the wilderness,
Where wolves pray.
Fingers to touch a lowered chin
Shattering the shame of comming from the storm
Of a slient room.
One touch and the warrior is a child again.
A hundred years inside my room.
Peeking out to see the dawn,
Drawn by the drummers song.
Wanting to dance and play,
Touching back through the fields of my imagination.
Touching a lowerd face, I smile.
Come along.
A hundred years inside my room.
Might have made me a little insane.
Wing tips crest the edge of it all,
Expansed over horizons.
Imaculate whole, great circle.
Out of the depths and into the rising sun.
I dance, I wonder.
I play.
The grass beyond the window, looking much better,
Crisp and dew frost at my toes.
A wolfs ears forward.
A touch, a glance.
Depths in the Eagles feather.
Pounding in the drum.
A Little One, rising with the dawn.
Burned
I held the arm I mutilated
The arm I burned
Almost 15 years ago
I looked at the scars
The cigarette holes
That child had given me
That child that branded me
The one so deep inside.
I held the arm they gave me for life
Forgetful of the rage they knew back then
That prisoner
So tortured and darkside
Living like a secret.
I look at the scars
That bid I not forget them
Rounded wounds
That once asked I not leave myself behind
Though I tried.
So perhaps to seem like I was normal
Despite my silence when others
Would reminise on wonderful
And all I had to share was
My imagination.
Like walking through the halls
To my 8th grade classes
Pretending I was the android
But a beast burned my arm
A werewolf snareling caged in the rain
And shattered glass of mirror shards
Lay on the dark room floor
Where roses weeped.
I held the arm I mutilated
The arm I burned
Defiant of the things Jothie reminds me of
Some wound still hurting inside
The child that marked me
Lies all lies
The nightmare that gripped me
Like a bite it stands
Like the teeth of a werewolf
Lashing the liar
Raged without a drop
In desperate thirst for water
Consumed in that fire
That bled from someone elses alchohol
Brooding in a room without doors
Be over, be over
You make me tired.
Marked by a childs rage
To be heard
How so much you hurt me then
Can't you see?
You scar me
I am burned alive with you
I have burns you never gave me
Wounds I felt inside
And you said if I did it again
You'd show me what true pain was.
Yet in these marks, round and branded
I see a child who bit me
Least I leave them behind
Though I tried.
And all the rage so gone
Has been left here on my arm
Like a brand.
Darkest Before Dawn
I remember the way I felt only yesterday
They say it's darkest before the dawn
I must have lived a thousand days.
I remember the way it rained
Pouring down and thunder came,
It sounded like it was my name
Lightning flash and wind the same.
I remember the way I felt only yesterday
Tears were comming down my mothers face.
The way she cried from so much pain
And passed away like the gentle whisper
Of a sigh.
I remember the way it rained
Pouring down like hurricanes
Whipped around in winds I loved
Visions like a dream above
And the starry nights where the moon shined
I smiled apon the feral there my guidance so.
Wolf in howl I danced that way to the drum.
I remember the way I felt only yesterday
My father died and his smile then,
It was like he was saying that's okay
The reality I defied wasn't mine
Either way.
I remember when people would say
It is darkest before dawn
I must have lived a thousand days.
I've been over a hundred trails
Tracking down the
Spirit call
To the fire there where the
Circle homes.
It was like an ocean wave
Crashing down and beating wings.
To the wilds my inner child has always gone
Being wolf and keeping strong
Through Papaws ways.
I was dreaming when I came this far
Seems like I was dreaming when I got home
Dancing winds and keeping tame.
I let myself drown in silence without a word
Dancing to a darker tone until I screamed
And they were already gone.
How could I describe that pain.
I remember the way I felt only yesterday
Pouring down like I was in the rain.
Never said the hurt I felt
For a thousand days in the dark
Before the dawn.
And when the sun is setting I'm thinking of
The drum
Mother Earth
Her heart beat so deeply strong
And when the sun is setting I think of
Eagle cries
Father Creator
The great Mysteries drag me through some of
The worst of hells
And then I hear these angel things.
What you do to me now I cannot tell
But here I've gone.
I remember how I felt only yesterday
I remember the way it rained
Pouring down and thunder came,
I keep dancing to the song.
It is darkest before dawn
I must have lived a thousand days.
Darkest Feeling
It was my darkest feeling
No one had any faith in me
They lacked the confidence
I've no idea what day and age
I turned around and saw what was so demeaning
So withdrawn I couldn't stop dreaming
Would have done anything to make them proud
And they fell apart in my hands
I tried to be old enough to hold it together
Comming of my age as they are passing away
I had them if only for a moment
Despite every dissapointment they had
With me
Too stupid not to be talked down
And I'm too ashamed of the lack of faith for me
And all the hurt I know I would cause them
To go through these things
I would have done anything
And I tried
Running away from that belief about me
I would have given them my worth
I tried
I took things, the way she said
I didn't wear dresses to spite her
Never telling anyone a word
Why the blue jean jacket
I wiped her tears
I faced my dad when they were afraid to
Like when he burned the bed
Falling asleep drunk with a cigarette
And locked the door from us all
The darkest feeling was wanting thier pride
The ability to stand and look in the eyes
And all those things I felt
Like getting locked in the garage
Afraid to say
We weren't always as great
It wasn't always okay
I never said a word, I never complained
The darkest feeling was when they passed away
After all that I was brought up so important
And unique and magical
Lives who barely heard a word I had yet to say
It runs through my arms like a strain
As if I could somehow pull them back
In the horrorfied scream much farther away
Inside
Our lives together, ending like it did
And always my delayed reactions
Hit me now, where I touch my face a week later
I didn't know how to feel,
Like I could magicaly whip that up
At the apropriate times
Or what I would be feeling it just came
When it boiled up inside like a shaken soda
The darkest feeling I have
Is knowing if I had been able to say anything then
It would have only added to the pain
And when I turn to others it feels like
I betray
And it feels like there is no time for me
There's never a person, a moment or a place
I could say
Like that time dad quit drinking and went
To all those meetings for alcoholics
I moved to speak
And they said ... it was over ...
And I'm not an abused child
So every secret locked inside
Though I really can't take it anymore
When keeping things in
Become worse than letting them out
Child In The Dark
It comes out like a whisper
Deep inside
Like a mute taking my hands
Desperate to express
Trying to come out of the darkness
And speak
And bring up all the lacks for confidence
All the things that ever put them there
Hiding inside
I get tired of them
Whispers of a mute
Same old thing it ever was
Nothing I can say
Nothing worth listening
Because I said move on
Forget
Wanting it all to go away
Go some place else
The urge to look beyond the fold
Of a mask
Is it any better
Than the fold that wraps around
And swallows her inside
Turning the other way to seek
To find
To touch
Forget you know any words
Whispering
And you anger me
You make me afraid
Nothing worth seeing
Back to the darkness you go
Stop whispering
Nothing to say
Feeling like something I left behind
Because nobody was comming anyway
Hide your face again
Go away
Your feelings are just a lie
Anyway
Nothing's wrong, you must be dreaming
What makes you think anything changed?
Same world, same space
Go away
Her eyes drowning
And drowning
Ignored animal, basket case
By the time you speak
They will say it is gone
Each moment passes into the next
Let it go
She wishes it would let go of her
And anger in the hidden face
Like anything would ever change
Does it?
And she whispers,
I want to say ...
Then her eyes are drowning
And drowning
She looks away
Embrace Your Daemons
Dark cold places
Empty and eery
Shadows grow along the walls
Walls that are streatching
Faces that have eyes and move
Faces with teeth that snarel
Weird creatures abounding
Bright lights shining
Cold touch is dead
I'm fearing
The unfamiliar place
I turn and run for the light
Dark cold place
I don't belong
But they are there
Creeping around
Like the days of the budong
Crawling around in the dunes
Electromagnetic candy
Let me die
Or let me live
Embrace your deamons
Or do they pick on you
I don't feel this way
What is this place
Dark and cold
Why am I shown
What have I to say
So it is there
Like the days too scared to call out
Running from giants
Pit in my stomach
Deamons ripping my clothes
To reveal the flesh
Trying to pick off my wings
Feather by feather
Color by color
Nails scraping along my head
Picking out hair by hair
Until I snatch the throat
I've had it
And the deamon to blade with me
Like St Micheal's touch
So there's dark and cold
Feel my touch, warm, love, kindess, understanding
The lady blind with sword and weight
Even though she is weeping
Be light
Behold
Cold and dark when I'm roaming there
They scatter
When enough's enough
And I'm not scared
Won't kill me
And so ... I live
Beware you ...
I don't think so
Today
Feeling drowned
The site of planes crashing
Exacted hatred
Falling to the ground in clouds
The man leaped down from them
Falling to his death
I watched on the news
The Pentagon
The world trade centers
Sick in my stomach
I woke up today
In tears that fell with blood
My country a wreck
While others celebrated
The senseless act
On my country
Nobody wins these things
Thousands of lives in that dust
My heart is on the ground
Tears that fall with blood
In my country
Wounded Wolf
The most difficult things I have faced this day
Were the things I did not do.
Even though Spirit said
What is meant is what will be
And if that was not a day to come
This day
Then soon
Perhaps, if at all.
A wolf peered out of the den
A slash across their hip
From the cage that would master
Only to imprison.
Wolf heals
Slow
Wagging their tail at the pack
Pawing at the sweetly scented air
A sneeze and shake of head in it
To play
Though wolf leaving the den
Unprepared
Instead stayed
And the wolves howl
Though wolf had been tracking
Relentless
This time
Only peered and called
Not today
Spirit calls me
That I sit
This major wound I feel
That torture
I must do alone
But I love you
My pack
Very dearly
And long that warm embrace
When I cannot lift my head enough
From the wound
To lick your face
So many miles away
But just like last time
And this time
Spirit knows
Where it wants me to be
Despite my own feelings
And pains
I can't tell the difference
Between selfish and selfless
My heart feels torn
I feel tears that fall from my heart
And know not when
I leave this den.
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