| The Lies I Told Myself |
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It is not fiction...
note: all poetry belongs to Lucy Bowker... that's me. Don't plagarise... it's copyrighted in my own little world...Tell me what you think of my poems... e-mail me... eatingorange@hotmail.com
Window TapingsWhat’s the point in trying When you know you’re wasting time And when the words are spoken Nobody is listening Nobody cares It’s all a waste of breath Desperately searching for someone to love Someone who’ll listen A person who cares And for a brief moment You think she’s there. The Bee SongListen to the Yo dawg Listen to the Yo dawg Listen to the Yo Dawg Buzzin of da bees Buzzin of da beez Hopeless ReasoningAs he crossed out the days That so miserably passed Missing opportunities along the way He wondered how many days It would take For the thread to break. All he wanted was to achieve But after the test He was left with a failure’s identity Next time he won’t aim so high. He curses at the alarm clock So early in the morning And blames those outside his door For knowing not what to do Ten calories in an Altoid and it’s not even a strong mint.Told the truth And some lies along the way But I never really spoke up When I had something to say Try to uncover me Attempt to discover me But what do you intend to find? And you get paid to do this? The Blem ProjectBlem Blem Blem Blem Blam Blem It’s my favourite thing to say Today Blem Blem Push it Shove it Blem Blem On the wall Blem Blem In the fall Blem Blem Makes a man feel tall Blem Blem When yo’ momma calls Blem Blem Blem Blem Bla-Blem A lot of things aren’t naturalCurled up on the couch Claiming he felt “so empty” He looked up at me And I could see it… Straight through his Bright blue teary eyes… He’d stay up at night Crying out loud On being empty He’d numb himself off Feelings never show It’s all too clear and Plain to see He’s stripped me blind of My disgusting guise Placed it on his skin Is this a case of Mistaken identity? There are too many lies For him to conceal He was hurting But he wasn’t hurting me Bleed a little smileI’ve wondered What would happen if Heaven split in two Would all the angel’s wings be clipped Leaving them to plummet towards the earth Landing upon the lawn of a stranger Who never believed Because he is deceived By everyone he needs. And what if when He walks out to his car Headed to the job he hates, But he goes to feed one of the Seven deadly sins: greed, He hears the angels cry Would he bluntly reply, “Oh c’mon, get up… end this act. You may be cold But you aren’t freezing. The clouds are low this morning It doesn’t seem that you fell too far Or maybe you didn’t fall at all. Could it be somebody planted you here In a failing attempt to make me believe In your ‘God’ who allows us To go to a bridge Kiss and shove All out of love…? But then he’d send us home To say a prayer Simple forgiveness It’s all up to us To sleep it out of memory But no… I’ve said my prayer… But have I slept it off? I’ve been awake for too long. Life BoatsThere was something that she lacked On that cold night Desperately finding ways To escape the sunset Relieve this day If only she could Rewind to the past Do something a little different Befriend other people Not hate so many Turn right instead of left Put out the fire Instead of letting it burn She has to bite her tongue And live with what she did And in all this She learned Holding on is a difficult task Why try to make things last When you know they will slowly fade. To MattIt only lasted for a short time A brief moment Not even a sentence in history books Time flew by so fast You counted One month Then two Three and then four You failed to make time count. I’ve wondered why you never called When you said you’d call me Should I remain silent and depressed Or speak up and feel my best? Doesn’t matter. You never listened to me. Keep KneelingShe told me to pray Psychological loss of energy “Sleep it off,” she demands “Let it slip out of your mind…” late nites and self fights adulterate the sleeping process. Insomnia can’t kill you. But I’ve been told It makes you fat. Stuck in the middle of a downfall Not knowing what to do Sick of being tired And tired of being sick Please spare me… Stop gloating about your Well floating relationship I believe all of mine are sinking If not already sunk. Instant MisunderstandingHe began, “If I die before I wake I pray the Lord My soul to take. Lift me up from the hell I’ve been living Because nobody knows… They’re just living for the end… The great big kaboom. Turn off their TV sets Head back to their rooms Rest their heads on their soft pillows Waste the rest of their day. What the fuck? There’s nothing really I can say So burdened by the past Funny how you can forgive them But I can’t. Why the fuck do I pray to you… How is it possible to exist Yet we have no clue? Does it bother you that some don’t believe? Fuck you, God. Excuse the blasphemy. Hopefully that angers you so That you’ll make me disappear If you exist… If you are truly there… Then god fucking dammit, Answer my prayers.” He laid his head On his soft feather pillow Fell fast asleep And awoke in the basement Felling horrible and weak. City of BasrahShe said goodbye Long before he ever knew He never asked Because she told him all she needed to. She told the lies of love The truths of pain He believed everything she’d say. But not a day has passed That he’s not letting go And not a day has past That he’s regretting That he didn’t know. Something Wrong?She stopped caring a while ago Nothing to live for As far as life goes. With nothing to live for She wanted to die But she knew that it’d get better inside All she wanted was some pain Make her feel Make her hurt again Bring back to her attention That she is alive. The Art of AttractionThere is barely enough room on the handle For him to latch onto Hands slipping with every passing second To the same sad song that remains on repeat. Once the meaning disappears, There's a sense of panic in the air. He finds the truth is eating him alive But somehow he can always find it in himself To rise above the pain Burst out in laughter That’s so much easier than shedding tears Shine a smile Lies gleaming off his teeth He loses grip The clouds have cleared, temporarilyStunning realizations I know it isn't going to happen That leads to thoughts and revelations. This isn't over yet The pill is too rough to swallow, I know it won't go down easy Grab a spoon and crush it Stir it in with juice, Alters the taste Makes it a little nasty But it goes down much faster. This is how I learned to make myself happy. It's so much easier than I ever thought. Understand that hell isn't forever; Know that heaven won't get you far. This means it’s overI've cried to this song One too many times before It's like I've become immune To the horrible tune of somebody's heart breaking It makes me sick That you always omit The grim reality That I'm the one singing And this song is dedicated to you, My dear. A NOTEHey there, Beautiful Day two No you Felling like an idiot Over what I'm putting you through Hopefully your mom will see this Just so she knows I apologize Because sorry is a condition No doubt I am that, too. The price I have to pay is painful Severed trust Bleeding hearts Losing you is what I dread Lets give it a month or two Hopefully then I will still do Just let me fix the past Right the times I went wrong But you know And I know There's no going back Could it be I went against the grain Solely to impress you? Would you think differently of me Had I not shown you my world? Another case of teenage love Just so you know These feelings for you Are indeed the most true Not guided by lust Nor the want for popularity I could so easily achieve People like you aren't seen often... A rarity Maybe I’m beating myself up A tad bit too much It seems so warranted Looking through the holes in the fence Seeing you Your soft pale skin Hair gleaming blue Broken and hurt And so damn accountable The defiance is alarming It's so hard to hug through paper... Oh well, Love matt. MosaicMy heart has been shattered Constantly glued back together A beautiful mosaic of love What was once broken Is seen as a token Of good luck for what's to come next What I wanted someone else to sayI packed this Waited Didn’t go anywhere I began to unpack Sick of waiting For someone else to break me From the inside Rolling the glass out of the paper Taking the metal out of the box Nailing the items to the wall Then it hit me So much harder than I thought Somewhere else, It occurred to me… I’d never be. Eyes close, Creating my own special place All I can see is The back of my eyelids. I established a place Over the summer. It’s outside… It’s still too cold. This weather… When the thermometer hits seventy I’m still shivering with insecurities. Tom can singSemi-insomniac Closed eyes Open eyes Blinking Never really asleep But never really awake Trying But never hard enough The weakness feeds the need Afraid to sleep Thoughts of endless rest Escaping reality Then entering it Facing harsh penalties. Comfortable chair… uncomfortable air.What we are is held in our dreams On the verge of discovering Who we really are, The ring of a telephone Interrupts our slumber Survival depends on your alibi If you’re gone too long, Things won’t change Rather begin to sharpen beneath you. Familiar it seems Then you finally see This statue of glory Came from the sacrifice of pain You forget to thank forever For not being so long You forget how far you’ve come And the long way you have left to go. The joke has become old. The past is indestructible. Spelling ErrorsLate at nite I’m speaking with myself Reiterating that thing will be okay In the back of my mind and In the depths of my soul That idea will gradually fade. Like a son without a father prays He'd wake up with a dad some day She sits upright with insomniac’s eyes Wondering if her son is gay. Independent assortmentThis is the reoccurring theme That appears in every scene Of the life he’d like to live. This poor kid, His heart has been broken Thousands of times. One wonders what keeps Him running back… What leaves him begging For more. Eating OrangeWas it something I did wrong? Somehow you’ve kept it on this long Now I’m left here Dazed and confused Lonely, abused. I can’t help but move on. That’s all I can do. Apparently you’re gone And done with me. Good luck, sweetie. TapeTape outlines your walls No pictures Just tape Invisible in the daytime Noticed at night When you lie in your bed With your black light on Several one inch scraps of tape Glowing at you. All that was your world; Anger, happiness, frustration. Confusion, illusions, and tears… Just came down. Months of building Arduous hours of rearranging Ripped down in a day. Um… yeah.Alone in the house She cries as she wonders why She feels so alone. Her eyes drown in tears. There is nothing there to fear. She’s left to worry How much longer he will stay If this was truly meant to be What their last words will be As they say goodbye. Hands on the clock spin around Hours pass by She questions why he hasn’t called She can’t help but wonder, “Is he choosing someone over me?” This must be where it ends. She thinks up his remarks. As she’s waving goodbye. Wiping tears from her eyes… Perhaps he’ll reply, “It’s the same thing all the time. I’ve hardened over the years. I’m a cheater. I’m a liar. It doesn’t hurt much for me. But you, I see your tears. Excuse me. Excuse me as I walk away.” Save as…Walking home in the rain Only to find that Electricity’s been cut off Cold as hell No heat to keep warm For some reason, It all happened today. Rain isn’t as enjoyable As it use to be. Remember the days When it felt so good As it poured in from the window By the bed We purposely left open Before we fell asleep. We’d wake up in a puddle of sheets And become sick by the end of the week. I love you regardlessI thought I could control the weather Up until today Walking home, The sky became overcast Turning black Then red Then grey. The rain began to pour down Like bullets from the sky… Was it trying to kill something…? Maybe all the ants will die. It comes on slow and then it takes over.Fuck you and your cell phone Fuck the trips you put me through Fuck your fucking phace Fuck your face Fuck your name Fuck your mode of transportation Fuck the way you answer the phone Fuck how you call the house Fuck how I pretend nobody’s home Fuck the way you stand In hopes of acknowledgement Fuck the packs of Basic’s you smoke Fuck how you sleep on your back Fuck the way you run off to your mom’s house Fuck how you knock on my door Fuck your hands on your hips Fuck how you think my music’s too loud Fuck your chest full of sex toys and shit Fuck how… Fuck how much I seriously hate you. Fuck how you stole my life away from me. I am righteous in my anger The best I have to give you Is my lowest ability You don’t deserve any pity. Nothing ever seems to work The way that it gets planned. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. This is fucking hate. Evaluate This YourselfTuesday’s end is Wednesday’s beginning and Wednesday’s beginning is Tuesday’s end. If We could all just live In Tuesday’s beginning We’d forever be stuck In Monday’s end. |
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