THIS IS HOW I FEEL

I stand here and I'm talking to you
but I'm crying here, just crying without tears.
And inside there's a hole in my heart,
and the blood is pouring out at this very moment.
And I miss you and I love you
and I just want to say that "I love you"
but I can't.
Because I know you don't want to hear it.
Because I know that you don't love me.
Because I know that you don't want to be with me.
And I know it's not because of who I am but because of what I did.
And that just means that I'm the only one to blame.
And that just means that I can make no excuses,
because it was because of what I did.
And here I stand with my blood pouring out inside,
and you can't even see it.
But here I am dying
and here I am loving you
and here I am wishing that you loved me
I'd do anything if you loved me too
but instead here I'm dying,
dying more because you don't love me.
Dying more because I'm not supposed to be here.
Dying because there's no place that I'd rather be,
than standing here while you make me bleed inside until I die.
Because I love you. I love you so much.
So much that even when you hurt me more than anything else in the world
and even as I lay there curled and crying and wishing that I were not myself
I still would not wish to be anywhere but by you
because your leashing pain is still heaven
to the hell of not knowing you.
And I love you.
And I would do anything for you.
And I am doing nothing for you.
And I am dying for you.
But I love you.
Copyright ©2003 Ashi Shadow 2/16/03 on Katie, on loving someone and not being loved, because she doesn't actively love me back.