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Like a handyman wanting to work I try to pry open the lid of my toolbox, wanting to start a relationship, but the skin of the onion won't come loose. Desperately I want it open. Desperately I grasp it, trying to pull, wanting to cry in my lonely desperation, while another part of me tries to keep the door shut, pulling from the inside, sniffling to cry as well. "Open up!" I say, yanking,- and with perseverant effort getting it ajar. "No!" The other part of me says, preventing further opening with resolute force and a quivering arm holding the lid from inside – "You don't remember what it was like, last time!" He exclaims through tears. "I do!" I shout back at the obstinate emotional cur. "No!" He sobs, refusing to yield. Only affording a glimpse at the outside world while he refuses to budge, holding nearly shut my guarded heart. |
Copyright ©2015 Ashi Shadow -9/11/15 on how difficult it is to be completely open about my innermost optimism with Irina.
As I continue to share my hopes and dreams with her, there are more times for me to get nervous and skittish in my heart - that she may hurt me or may refuse to commit in her heart, choosing other fancies (hobby goals) over me.
I ended up adding "wanting to start a relationship" later and also changed "holding the inside of the lid" to "holding the lid from inside -" in order to make things clear.