OK, Mom and Dad, how do you teach character?

Runover hed:

Ikkarim helps parents shape values

By Susie Davidson

Special to the Advocate

As if changing roles, chaotic schedules, and lack of sleep weren’t enough challenge for new parents, what about shaping their children’s characters, instilling traditions and answering their moral dilemmas?

Where’s the training manual for the roles of protector, sage and guide?

Since 2003, parents have turned to Ikkarim: Parenting Through a Jewish Lens, a program of Hebrew College and CJP’s Commission on Jewish Learning and Engagement.

The 19-week course is geared toward parents of babies through 8-year-olds. Ikkarim (Hebrew for principles or core values) draws on centuries of Jewish wisdom to help parents resolve their children’s questions as well as their own.

“Ikkarim is very useful for parents of young children who haven’t gotten the chance to think through big issues,” said Ikkarim instructor Rabbi David Jaffe, mashgiach ruchani/chaplain at Gann Academy.

Citing a class he taught about natural disasters at the time of Hurricane Katrina, Jaffe said, “We deal with issues of theodicy and suffering. We discuss why bad things happen to good people.”

The program has grown from 30 parents at one synagogue to 235 parents at eight synagogues in its last session. For the 2010-2011 year, morning and evening classes will be offered at synagogues and other Jewish institutions in 13 locations ranging from Acton to West Roxbury and Sharon to Medford.

“Ikkarim is not only multi-denominational in terms of Jewish institutions hosting the program, but it is also open to parents of all backgrounds and faith traditions,” said Bernice Lerner, director of adult learning at Hebrew College, who oversees the program. “It is taught by knowledgeable instructors, who are sensitive to participants and what they bring to the class, in terms of their affiliations and backgrounds.”

Participants in the program are not necessarily Jewish or even the parents themselves.

“We wanted a program that would specifically engage parents of young Jewish children,” said instructor Dr. Jacob Meskin, who is academic director of the Ikkarim and Me’ah (adult education) programs at Hebrew College. “We don’t care if they’re Jewish, and some grandparents have taken it.”

Meskin developed the curriculum with Rabbi Benjamin Samuels of Congregation Shaarei Tefillah in Newton. Samuels, who this year will be teaching Ikkarim at Temple Sinai in Sharon, is also on the Ikkarim faculty.

Each week’s class focuses on a different Jewish value. The format is more discussion than lecture-oriented. “In most of the classes, the students read and strongly discuss the texts,” said Meskin. “They personalize them.”

The curriculum is separated into four “domains” of human relationships:

“Rabbi Gordon was amazing. She either had an abundance of info at her fingertips or was always willing to seek and learn along with us,” said O’Brien, who had not been in a Jewish educational setting since childhood. “I got to reconsider and evaluate many Jewish topics from a much more complex, adult perspective.”

O’Brien said after the course was over she made it a point to maintain the Shabbat ritual at home. In addition, she and her Ikkarim classmates continued to meet with Rabbi Gordon as well as with Rabbi Daniel Liben, the spiritual leader of Temple Israel.

Rabbi Andrew Vogel of Temple Sinai in Brookline said participants in the Ikkarim program there also continued meeting after classes ended. “Our Ikkarim class has transformed an entire group of young families in our congregation who now deeply value serious Jewish learning,” Vogel said.

Some Ikkarim students go on to take Me’ah, a two-year adult Jewish learning program sponsored by Hebrew College and CJP’s Commission on Jewish Learning.

Although the 19-week length may appear daunting, Meskin said Ikkarim students are often surprised by how fast the time goes by. “Once they start learning these fascinating texts and having great conversations with other parents, they don’t want to stop doing this,” he said.

Keith and Liz Newstadt of Newton attended Ikkarim at nearby Temple Shalom. “We took it specifically because we’re an interfaith couple who wanted to raise Jewish children,” said Liz, who grew up as a Catholic in Michigan. Her husband was Jewish, but not religious, she said. “I felt strongly that we needed to learn more about the spiritual side of things.”

She said the program inspired her to study Judaism more deeply and eventually convert.

“Ikkarim helps parents to think about the kinds of human beings they want their kids to be,” said　Lerner, who previously taught courses at Boston University and directed the school’s Center for the Advancement of Ethics and Character. “It empowers them to plumb the rich texts　from　the Jewish tradition, and enables them to apply certain ethical principles to decisions they face as parents, partners, and citizens.”

Added Meskin: “You learn a lot about your own life teaching this curriculum.”

Helping parents find their way:

Hebrew College program steers a Judaic course

By Susie Davidson

As if changing roles, chaotic schedules, and lack of sleep weren’t enough challenge for new parents, what about shaping their children’s characters, instilling traditions and answering their moral dilemmas?

Where’s the training manual for the roles of protector, sage and guide?

Since 2003, parents have turned to Ikkarim: Parenting Through a Jewish Lens, a program sponsored by Combined Jewish Philanthropies and Hebrew College.

The 19-week program is geared toward parents of newborns through 8-year-olds. Ikkarim (Hebrew for principles or core values) draws on Judaic sources to help parents resolve their children’s questions as well as their own.

“Ikkarim is very useful for parents of young children who haven’t gotten the chance to think through big issues,” said Ikkarim instructor Rabbi David Jaffe, mashgiach ruchani/Chaplain at Gann Academy.

Citing a class he taught about natural disasters at the time of Hurricane Katrina, Jaffe said, “We deal with issues of theodicy and suffering. We discuss why bad things happen to good people.”

The program has grown from 30 parents at one synagogue to 235 parents at eight synagogues. For the 2010-2011 year, morning and evening classes will be offered at 13 sites, ranging from Acton to West Roxbury and Sharon to Medford, which include the JCC Early Learning Center at Congregation Beth Elohim in Acton to the Shaloh House Jewish Day School in Brighton, to the South Area Solomon Schechter Day School. Kesher, the Community Hebrew School After School, is also hosting the Cambridge Collaborative site, which will include Kesher, Harvard Hillel, Congregation Eitz Chayim, Temple Beth Shalom, and Minyan Tehillah. The course is multidenominational as well. “Ikkarim is not only multi-denominational in terms of Jewish institutions hosting the program, but it is also open to parents of all backgrounds and faith traditions,” said Bernice Lerner, director of adult learning at Hebrew College, who oversees the program. Further, she said, the course takes no particular religious slant. “It is taught by knowledgeable instructors, who are sensitive to participants and what they bring to the class, in terms of their affiliations/backgrounds.”

An added attraction: free babysitting for morning sessions.

Funding from the CJP’s Commission on Jewish Learning and Engagement helps lower the cost significantly, to $250 for each participant.

“I do not know of any other adult learning program specifically for parents that has such a well-conceived core values-type curriculum,” said Lerner.

Participants in the program are not necessarily Jewish or even the parents themselves.

“We wanted a program that would specifically engage parents of young Jewish children,” said instructor Dr. Jacob Meskin, who is academic director of the Me’ah and Ikkarim programs at Hebrew College. “We don’t care if they’re Jewish, and some grandparents have taken it.”

Meskin developed the curriculum with Rabbi Benjamin Samuels of Congregation Shaarei Tefillah in Newton, who this year will be teaching Ikkarim at Temple Sinai in Sharon and is on the faculty of Hebrew College’s Me’ah and Ma’ayan educational programs.

Each week’s class focuses on a different Jewish value. The format is more discussion than lecture oriented. “In most of the classes, the students read and strongly discuss the texts,” said Meskin. “They personalize them.”

The curriculum is separated into four domains of human relationships, called “the Interpersonal Domain” in the course outline: Outward Bound, which explores ethics, personal visions of parenting, building a good marriage, and actions and words; Inward Bound (personal growth, helping children and families along a good path, and modeling integrity); Upward Bound (spiritual quests, talking about G-d, finding time for reflection, and wrongdoing and repentance). Homeward Bound examines identity in a complex world, responsibilities as a citizen, homelands and people, and how to encourage children to act justly. Chesed, mitzvot, teshuvah, suffering and evil, personal responsibility and autonomy, Jewish universalism and tikkun olam are integrated into the discussions as well.

Jessica O’Brien of Natick was drawn in by the free day care when she took the course in 2005 from Rabbi Leslie Gordon, current Rabbi in Residence at Temple Aliyah in Needham, at nearby Temple Israel. (Gordon still teaches for Ikkarim.) “What Ikkarim does is engage Jewish people and parents of young children in their own education, which has a natural link to wanting to transmit it to their kids,” O’Brien said.

“Rabbi Gordon was amazing. She either had an abundance of info at her fingertips, or was always willing to seek and learn along with us,” said O’Brien, who had not been in a Jewish educational setting since childhood. “I got to reconsider and evaluate many Jewish topics from a much more complex, adult perspective.”

The verb tense makes it sound like she no longer keeps the ritual and no longer meets with Liben? (She didn’t say if she still does – I didn’t probe – and the class continued to meet for a couple of years – they paid them, so that may be why it ended – she said not to mention that they paid them) O’Brien made an effort to maintain a Shabbat ritual at home, and her group continued to meet with Rabbi Gordon as well as Rabbi Daniel Liben, the spiritual leader of Temple Israel.

Rabbi Andrew Vogel of Temple Sinai in Brookline said parents in the Ikkarim program there also continued meeting after classes ended. “Our Ikkarim class has transformed an entire group of young families in our congregation who now deeply value serious Jewish learning, and have been inspired to grow their own Jewish practice,” Vogel said.

Meskin said one Ikkarim class made its own Chavarah (from the Hebrew “friends,” a group that gathers together religiously and/or socially). Some people go on to take Me’ah, a two-year adult Jewish learning program of Hebrew College and CJP’s Commission on Jewish Learning, and some take trips to Israel.

Although the 19-week length may appear daunting, Meskin said students are often surprised by how fast the time goes by. “Once they start learning these fascinating texts and having great conversations with other parents, they don’t want to stop doing this,” he said.

Keith and Liz Newstadt from Newton attended Ikkarim at nearby Temple Shalom. “We took it specifically because we’re an interfaith couple who wanted to raise Jewish children,” said Liz, who grew up as a Catholic in Michigan. Her husband was Jewish, but not religious, she said. “I felt strongly that we needed to learn more about the spiritual side of things.”

She said the program inspired her to study Judaism more deeply and eventually convert.

“Ikkarim helps parents to think about the kinds of human beings they want their kids to be/become,” said　Lerner, who previously taught courses at Boston University and directed the school’s Center for the Advancement of Ethics and Character “It empowers them to plumb the rich texts　from　the Jewish tradition, and enables them to apply certain ethical principles to decisions they face as parents, partners, and citizens.”

“You learn a lot about your own life teaching this curriculum,” added Meskin.

Meskin describes in the blog how he knew to remain silent and see where this took the class.

"... Just a few sessions ago, we were reading about Hasidic masters telling us to celebrate our individual uniqueness,　our gifts to contribute,” Diane continued, as quoted in Meskin’s blog post.　“And you said..." [she pointed to me, the teacher] "that this could have a big effect on raising our children, seeing each kid for who he or she really is, and getting over the idea that they had to conform to a one-size-fits-all standard.　 I liked that.　 But now you're　having us read these old texts about some weird 'special sense of mission' Jews are supposed to feel they have... I mean, isn't that just the opposite, splitting the world into big groups, and feeling group superiority?　 Why can't we just all be individuals, and teach that to our kids?"

According to the blog, Meskin got an answer quickly, from another student.

"I don't see it that way at all, Diane,"　 said Fred. “…I was raised Catholic, you know… My wife's Jewish and she brought me into this thing, and I'm glad she did.　 I see it from both sides--you gotta love your kid for just who he is, but at the same time, you gotta try to teach him also how to have pride in himself, how to be proud to be a Jew,” said Fred.　“Everyone should be proud of where they come from, and know about their religion.　 Maybe this is even　more true for Jews!　 They didn't have an army and over centuries endured horrible events.　 And here we are today, still doing this 'Jewish thing' with arguments all the time.　 That's worth being proud of right there.”

Fred continued: “For my two cents, that's what our 'mission' is about--how to be proud to be a Jew, and bring your kid up to value his background.　 It doesn't have to do with feeling better than anyone--it's about walking around and having self-confidence, not being ashamed of where you come from, knowing that you're doing good work for making the world a better place. I can get behind that."

Meskin stated in the blog that Diane looked happier.　 “I let out a quiet sigh of relief, and made a mental note to thank Fred after class.　 Now it was time to move on, more exciting texts still had to get their chance to wake everyone up....”

Lerner said inquiries about the program come in from across the country. “Professionals are looking for ways to engage　parents raising　Jewish kids,” she speculated, also citing interest in ensuring Jewish continuity, desire to　embrace and offer　meaningful programs for intermarried couples, and　a general search for high quality adult learning programs.

Temple Shalom in Medford’s Web site quotes a participant: "I learn, I think, I go home and discuss with my husband.　 Ikkarim gives me a new lens through which to view and understand Jewish values and learning."

“If you live a certain way, your kids pick that up,” said Meskin. “Kids tend to learn by imitation.”