Title: You Left Me Alone
Author: Wereleopard
Posted: 02/06/05
Rating: PG
Email: ivanova58@yahoo.co.uk
Category: PG
Genre: Angst
Summary: Angel until season 4.

Disclaimer: The characters in the Angel verse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made I am just poor.
Distribution: FSB if anywhere else please just let me know!
Feedback: Yes please!ut

Cordy stormed into the building her flushed full of anger. Wes and Gunn watched her worried about what had happened. Angel came running in after her, his face seemed paler than normal.

“Cordy wait.” He said huskily sadness evident in his voice.

“No Angel, that is it I’ve had enough. I told you we are no longer friends.” She walked up to him toe to toe and stared into his brown eyes, her own glittered with unshed tears. “You left us alone, you left me alone.” Her head dropped and she turned her back on him. “I can never forgive you for that. I thought we were important to you, I thought I was but obviously I was wrong.” She walked over and behind her other teammates.

“No Cordy you are, all of you are.” He tried again in vain to tell her how much she meant.

“That is why you lefts us alone to go after Darla.” She sat down in a chair wearily. “I’m tired Angel please stop, I can’t do this anymore. We work together and that is it. That’s all it can ever be. You hurt me Angel, hurt me more than anyone ever has.”

Gunn and Wesley moved over to her placing and on each of her shoulders. Angel moved forward to join them Gunn put his hand up.

“Stop right their fang boy Cordy don’t want you near her.” Gunn told him.

“What?” Angel asked in confusion.

“Yes Angel I think you should check on your informants about the McKay case. See why those demons are after them?” Wesley said with authority, Angel stared at him and could see that in the ex-watcher’s eyes he was telling him to go.

“I’ll go and speak to my informants then.” He walked to the door of the Hyperion he turned back and looked at the three of them Wesley was wiping a tear from her face and Gunn sat on the table holding her hand, both of their faces full of concern and again he felt like he was on the outside, it felt worse than it ever had. With Buffy and the Scoobies he never had belonged but here they had accepted him and he had ruined, there was no one else to blame but himself and he had Cordelia the one person he cared about more than anyone else. If he had a heart it would have broken, he felt a part of his soul die as he watched the tears flow from her eyes. If it weren’t for him she would not be here with the painful visions that she gets. He turned away and walked through the doors. Not know what was to happen now.

Chapter 2

Angel wandered the streets alone the darkness covering him like a shroud, even if it had been daylight the suns rays would not have touched him, his soul was in agony, it cried out to be healed and there was only one person who could do that, his heart screamed out for the same person but his mind told him that he should be alone, that’s the way it was supposed to be, even when he was with Buffy he still stayed in the background never coming forward, never mixing, Angel was never really included and then with all their ups and downs and the breaking up it still never hurt as much as hearing those words from his best friend, his heart broke when he looked into her face and then she told him that they were no longer friends. Angel turned to the wall and let out a roar it was a sound of pure agony and loss he vamped out his beast getting the better of his anger he punched the wall trying to release the frustration and the helplessness, he had lost something, something special, it was something that should have been treasured and what did he do? He kicked it to the curb like a piece of rubbish he threw it away like it didn’t matter. He never knew how much it meant to him until it had gone. He turned around and put his back to the wall not knowing what to do, feeling lost, more lost then he had ever been before even in his darkest moments. Should he leave Cordy alone? No longer be friends just work colleagues. His thoughts were jumbled he had no idea what to do. Walking across the road he went into the bar and sat down and ordered a drink, he could have gone to Caritas but he just needed to be away from everyone so he could clear his mind and figure out what to do next. It was not very crowded and he hid in a dark corner, smoke filled the room, music played in the background.

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
Two can be as bad as one, its the loneliest number since the number one
No is the saddest experience you'll ever know
Yes is the saddest experience you'll ever know
cause one is the loneliest number that you'll ever know
one is the loneliest number even worst then two

He knew things would work out eventually between him, Gunn and Wesley they had started already. But he could see how protective they were of Cordy, they had bonded when he’d fired them, if he did anything else to hurt her there was no doubt in his mind that they would both come after him to stake him and to be honest he wouldn’t blame them, hell, if he did anything like that he would stake himself or walk into the sunlight. Angel made a promise to himself to try and never hurt her again. The vampire couldn’t say that he wouldn’t because that would be a lie he would just try not too, things happen and people hurt each other. That was the way life was. He sat back and closed his eyes, clearing his mind but one thing stayed a beautiful brunette, with brown eyes and a smile that would light up the darkest night.

Its just no good anymore since you went away
now I spend my time just making up rhymes of yesterday
one is the loneliest number
one is the loneliest number
one is the loneliest number
since you went away
since you went away

He saw every moment with her in his head so clearly as if it all happened today, it was like a movie in his mind, every laugh, every joke, and every cup of blood she heated. Angel tried to imagine life without her warmth, her friendship. The darkness suddenly filled everything; it chilled him from the inside. He could see the beast within him coming to the surface and there was nothing left to stop it. He would carry on helping but his heart would no longer be in it because she would not be at his side when he shashued. The tears slowly fell from his closed eyes. Angel wouldn’t know how to carry on with out the frustrating woman by his side.

(one is the loneliest number since you've gone away)
one is the loneliest number
one is the loneliest number
one is the loneliest number
since you've gone away

His mind reached out, as the darkness seemed to consume him, the demons were after him. He reached for the one thing that would save him, that he now realised always saved him suddenly there she was in his mind like an angel and the darkness, the demons ran for cover they hid in the deepest recess’s of his mind. Without his seer, without his Cordy the demons would win, he couldn’t fight this battle without her. He knew that he had to get her back no matter what. Angel would do everything in his power to earn her friendship back he would prove it to her. The vampire hoped that she would be able to forgive him because he would never be able to forgive himself, but she was a better person than him. In fact, she was the best person he had ever known in his long life and just getting to know her made him a better person. He had to make her understand Angel stood up, he just hoped and prayed that he was not too late to make things better. He had no idea what to do but he would, there had to be something.

Chapter 3

Well the sun came up this morning
Like a burning red balloon
It broke into my window
And it slipped across the room
It spread itself upon me
Like the smell of sweet perfume
I was sleeping like a baby

Cordy curled up on the sofa that was in the middle of the lobby at the Hyperion. The seer was not quite ready to go back home yet and plus it would make all the guys worry about her Wesley and Gunn could see how upset she was and Angel, well, he was the reason that she had two older brothers now hovering around her. Cordy was going to lay down upstairs when she realised where she was heading, to his room. It was automatic she used it when he wasn’t asleep. Cordy couldn’t remember when or why it started but it just did and now she paused and breathed deeply why was this so hard. Tears rolled down her face and she swiped them away angrily. Why couldn’t she stop crying? She wasn’t a crybuffy but the tears wouldn’t stop and she was starting to get angry at herself. So what, Angel hurt her, they were fighting the good fight, and she told him they were just work colleagues but she saw the absolute desperation in his eyes. She had wanted to reach out and pull him to her and wipe away those doubts. But she couldn’t he had hurt more than anyone ever had before he was the only one that had the power to do that.

I'm not a saviour
I'm not a saint
I'm not an angel
I'm not that quaint

Don't need a preacher
To be that wise
Don't need a teacher -
I've got my eyes...

You hurt me and I hate you
You hurt me

Her heart ached for him, she thought she knew him and vice versa but she was obviously wrong. Her best friend had turned away from her and Cordy had wanted to reach out and slap him, scream at him how could he have chosen his obsession with Darla over them over her? They were supposed to be friends, a family? Well her own parents had left her why was she surprised when it happened with someone else she cared about. It killed something inside of her when she turned to him and told him how she felt. He looked like a little boy that had lost something precious, it took all of her will power not to through herself into his arms and tell him she didn’t mean it, she truly did. Angel had to understand what he did to her and if, and that was a big if, she forgave him it would only be this once and if he messed up again it would truly be over and she wasn’t sure if that happened that she could look at him every night. She would have to phone the visions or relay them to Gunn or Wesley. She wouldn’t be able to face him. Cordy hoped that it would not come to that.

A history of bitterness
You have left a blazing trail
If you had been a hammer
I'd be a broken nail
You gave me nothing -
Nothing but regrets
Don't think it's over -
It's not over yet

You hurt me & I hate you
You hurt me...

She did want to forgive him, so desperately her heart screamed for him, her soul joined the chorus but her head, her head told her to make him pay, to make him suffer just a little bit just so he could understand what she went through. She didn’t know what to do, how she was going to make him suffer and then she told him the truth, they were no longer friends and that was when she realised as she looked at him that what she had said was more then suffering to him, it was a torment. In a way she felt she had sent him back to his own personal hell, but she wasn’t sure if they could move past this, if she could ever trust him like that again. Cordy had Wesley and Gunn and she loved them and they were family but her and Angel’s relationship was so different it was just so much more, they were complete opposites but they complimented each other. She could make him laugh and talk when no one else could and he could do the same to her. They trusted each other implicitly and that was missing now. She missed it, she missed his smile, his laugh, the sparkle in his eyes, she missed the way he held her when she had a vision, but most of all she missed the friendship. Cordy would always love Angel but sometimes that wasn’t enough.

And everytime
You try to fool yourself
You've only got yourself
To blame
And every lie you ever
Told yourself
Will all come back to you
One day

Chapter 4

Cordy sat in the office putting the last of Wesley’s books back onto the shelves piles of empty boxes surrounded her it had taken them days to move everything from their small office back to the Hyperion and then she had spent the rest of it unpacking everything, she did most of it during the day knowing that was when Angel slept but he seemed to be coming down earlier and earlier. Cordy had no idea when he slept he didn’t seem to be doing any of that at the moment. He would come down look like he wanted to say something and then hide away but she could feel him watching every move she made. The seer sighed deeply her head to get her mind of her ex-boss. She dropped the last empty box on to the floor and she looked around the lobby of the hotel. It was good to be back but something was missing, the team feeling, the camaraderie. A tear rolled down her cheek, she sat down and buried her head in her hands and let the tears roll again. It seemed that was all she was doing lately, the tears just kept coming and coming with no end in sight. Just like forgiving Angel she wanted to desperately but she was not sure if she could.

Wesley and Gunn stood at the stairs and watched her, ever since Angel pushed them away and locked them out of his emotions, especially Cordy, she had seemed to have lost that little spark, that thing that made her Cordelia. She locked herself away, the two men had lives outside the business, she didn’t, and the one person she could talk to and who understood her had turned his back on her. She couldn’t give up the visions; she wouldn’t give them up. Both Gunn and Wes knew that the ex-may queen could not imagine not being able to help people. She was no longer the bitchy cheerleader that everyone knew. She had grown and matured but even with living on the hellmouth and being monster food every week could not take away the bitchy attitude, but feeling peoples pain, living the horrors as if they were her own that is what changed her she had been through more horrors than anyone could imagine. Buffy may have the slayer strength and she may not have a normal life because she was the chosen one but Cordy in their minds was even more special. She was an ordinary woman who chose to help, who needed to help. They wondered how she slept with seeing the things she did what did she see when she closed her eyes at night? What dreams did her mind create to help her deal with those horrors?

The door opened of the Hyperion and in walked Angel Cordy turned her back on the vampire as she wiped away her tears. The vampire froze as his best friend turned away for him the raw pain was written in the depths of his eyes but as soon as she turned away from him his eyes seem to grow cold, all the emotion shuttered away behind a wall afraid to let his feelings show afraid of what would happen if he did, all the anger and fear locked away deep inside of him, his shoulders dropped. Just like Cordy the life seemed to leave him, the hero in him needed saving and the heroine was nowhere to be found. Wes and Gunn shrugged their shoulders not knowing what to do. They couldn’t understand why Angel had turned from them but all of them had done something wrong in their pasts and they could forgive but never forget Angel still had a lot of things to make up for but at least he was trying and maybe, just maybe he could earn their trust back.

The both of them had given advice on how to deal with Cordy but he found it hard to stay away, he wanted to get on his knees and beg for forgiveness, he wanted to shout from the rooftops that he was sorry, he wanted to go back in time and take it all away so it wouldn’t happen again.

Cordy turned round and accidentally caught Angel’s eyes there was nothing in them, they were dead, he seemed to be a broken man. He turned and headed up to his room.

“If I’m needed come and get me.” His said his voice void of any emotion.

Cordy watched him as he slowly made his way up the stairs, her heart ached for him, and she could hear the loss in his voice. He was drawing away further and further from everyone. He was starting to not care because the one person who kept taking him out of his shell had pulled away.

“We’re loosing him Gunn!” Wesley whispered.

“Yeah I’ve never seem him like this and there is nothing we can do to change it.” Gunn replied.

“I’m afraid that he has stopped caring about his mission and he instead of saving people he will start feeding or he will lock himself away and avoid any human interaction and become the loner he once was. It took Cordy all this time to get him out and about but if they don’t at least talk it’s going to be the end of Angel Investigations and both of our friends will be destroyed.” Wesley took of his glasses and cleaned them wishing that he could shake them both.

Cordy hadn’t moved she was still staring at the stairs. “Cordy Gunn and I are heading out ok?” Her head bobbed in agreement but her eyes never moved to them.

Wesley grabbed Gunn’s arm and pulled him out the door. Gunn’s face was full of confusion. “They need to talk and I think Cordy is thinking about it. We have to give them a chance to be alone so one of them will take a chance, I am hoping it’s her because of how much he hurt her Angel would not push it.” Gunn nodded understanding why Wes had pulled him out.

Cordy knew that she had to talk to Angel, things would not change straight away but at least they could try and take things slowly, it still did not mean that they would be as close friends as they used to be but there was only one way to find out. This was the most difficult thing she had to do, her pride told her that he should come to her and grovel and then grovel some more, her head told her that she had to protect herself and her heart screamed for her to reach out and pull him into her arms. So what she was going to do was a mixture of all of it, she would protect herself, he would have to earn her trust and friendship back, but she would help him they were both self destructing without each other two sides of a coin both complimenting each other, the opposites of each other but work together in harmony, bringing the best out in the other, the ying and yang. It seemed that one could not do without the other and not be complete.

Angel lay on his bed looking at the ceiling, his eyes cold just like his body. His body missed the warmth of her touch when she reached out to him, when she took care of him and bandaged him, he missed the light in her eyes, who was he kidding he missed everything about her. He didn’t think he could go on without her, who was he kidding he didn’t want to go on without her.

There’s no time for us

There’s no place for us

What is this thing that builds are dreams yet slips away from us

Who wants to live forever?

She stood outside his bedroom door nervous, her whole body shaking. She tapped gently on the door.

Angel sat upright on the bed. “Is Cordy ok?” He called out worried that she had another vision he was immersed in his own thoughts about his best friend that he didn’t hear anyone arrive at his door but as he senses kicked in he could smell her perfume, he could hear her heartbeat, it was now all around him the scent that was unique to her, to his Cordy.

“It’s me Angel,” She said from the other side of the door. “Can I come in?”

Angel sat frozen to the bed not believing that she was truly there. “Of course Cordy.”

There’s no chance for us

It’s all decided for us

This world has only on sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever?

Who dares to love forever?

When love must die

She opened the door and walked in, Angel had now moved so he was sitting on the edge of his bed. “Angel you have to understand we still aren’t friends but me not talking to you and you looking liked a kicked puppy is not getting us anywhere. You’re going to have to earn my friendship and trust back and I will try to not push you away but its not going to be easy.”

Angel opened his mouth and the closed it again taking a deep breath he spoke. “I will always regret what I did to you and what it has cost me, it cost me your friendship. I will do whatever it takes to prove to you that I have changed, that I am sorry that I hurt you.”

He wanted to see her smile again, he wanted to be able to look into her eyes and not see tears there but laughter and joy.

But touch my tears with your lips

Touch my world with your fingertips

And we can have forever

And we can love forever

Forever is our today

Who wants to live forever?

Forever is our today

“We may never get it back Angel you have to know that but we can try. We have spent too many years together to let it go without a fight. We can at least try. I’m going home now Angel we’ll talk tomorrow ok.”

He nodded and watched her leave his heart felt a little lighter and hope started to creep in.

Who wants forever anyway?

Angel’s POV

Angel paced his room too and fro he looked around wondering if he should leave, the vampire was not sure that his seer had anything good to say and he had no idea what he would do if she said those words again to him, those words that hit his heart, that they were no longer friends. Cordelia was his friend but she was more than that she was his best friend she was his, his thoughts stuttered and stopped and couldn’t go past that, all he wanted for now was to be friends and then best friends but after he had received the call from Cordy telling him it was time they talked, he couldn’t sit or rest he felt as if everything wanted to break free of his skin, he felt trapped but there was no escape. What was she going to ask? What was he going to tell her? All he could do was wait but his fear dug deep within him and that fear was that she could never forgive him and she would walk out of his life and leave him alone, Cordelia Chase was his humanity could he explain both sides to her? Would she understand? Would she run scared? His sat heavily on his bed, his hands clenched on his knees, what was he going to do if she left him? Tears filled his eyes, his dead heart broke, and the light that brightened his day vanished.

Cordy walked to his bedroom door and opened it as she walked in she saw a lost man, Angel’s hands were on his knees and his head looking at the floor.

“Angel?” She whispered afraid to startle him but what scared her most was when he looked up with the lost look in his eyes, the look that his end would be the best. She rushed towards him and took his ice-cold hands in his and stared into his eyes.

“I can’t lose you.” He whispered huskily. “You are my everything.”

She smiled sadly at him. “You will always be in my life but..” she stopped for a moment. “We need to talk before we go anywhere, ok?” He nodded at her.

“I’m sorry Cordy for everything.” He said hoping that it would be enough but knowing that she needed more.

“Angel we were best friends and I thought that we could talk about anything but this thing with Darla why…” She didn’t know how to continue.

Angel took a deep breath and trying to control and make sense of his thoughts, he just hoped that it would make sense to her. “Darla was who made me, we spent so long together.” His mind wandered of in the memory of him and Darla and what they did. “When she came back and the dreams started and every night she was there, it seemed she reached out to me and I thought it was to save me or that is what I wished.” He stood up and walked towards the window and Cordy watched his every move. He breathed deeply even though he didn’t need to. “I thought if I could save her that I could save myself that it would be my redemption.”

Cordy stood and walked over to him and laid a delicate hand on his shoulder. “But why couldn’t you come to us, to me?” She asked a slight hitch of anger to her voice.

“I’m not going to use the dreams as an excuse but..” He stuttered for a moment.

Cordy got angry all she wanted was the truth. “DAMN YOU ANGEL.” She screamed and snatched her hand from his shoulder and turned away from him. “Weren’t we good enough for you to trust, were we really your friends?” Tears fell from her eyes this is what she was really worried about that Angel didn’t care about them, that they were just here to help him and not important.

The anger grew in Angel he turned quickly and spun Cordelia around and slammed her against the wall, his face loomed in, they were nose to nose and his voice was low and deep. “Don’t ever say that, I trust you all more than anyone and you, you are the most important thing to me and I didn’t realise that I..” He stopped again and let her go but he needed to know if she trusted him, truly and deeply. The vampire had to know before he could tell her how he felt, he was worried that she would no longer trust him and that was the last thing he needed.

“Angel.” She said softly. “Just let me know how you feel, how you felt?”

His eyes blazed yellow as he glared at her, he stalked forward and Cordy backed away from him until her back hit the wall and he punched a fist into it behind her. His body vibrated with anger. “Because I am a monster, I’ve seen the way people look at me.” He changed his face to the vampire visage. “This is what I am the demon is always there.”

Cordy reached out and touched the ridges on his face. “I’ve always known this about you Angel.” The brunette whispered.

He growled again not sure she understood and slammed her against the wall, his fangs showing the blood lust flowing through his body, Angel lowered his head towards her neck and licked it and then brought it too her ear. “Do you understand do you truly trust me?” He asked his voice vibrating through his chest Angel could feel his demon run through his veins, in a way he felt free. The vampire always had to take control of himself, he never let himself go and no one could understand that and no one ever listened to him when he tried to explain.

Cordelia’s POV

Cordy paced the lobby of the Hyperion Hotel back and forth, taking deep breaths trying to control the fear that was inside of her, grabbing hold of her heart. She stared up the stairs to Angel’s room, she had promised that they would talk and she knew that the time was here. She stopped and shook her head it was Angel, her best friend. She could do this, they could do this.

So she made her way to his room and as she opened the door what she saw broke her heart, her gaze was on Angel he had never looked up from the floor. But once he did her heart jumped out from her chest. Angel looked so lost, the vampire had the look of someone who had just had everything that had been important to him ripped away. Was she that important to him? Was he that important to her? That answer was yes, otherwise she wouldn’t be here she wouldn’t be fighting for their friendship.

His look seemed to call out to her, stake me, it said, I can’t live without you in my life, end my misery. The vampire’s look told her all of that and more. In an instance she was in front of him. “Angel?” Cordy whispered amazed that she could say anything.

When he told her he couldn’t be without her she stopped breathing, tears welled up in her eyes. She smiled sadly at him. “You will always be in my life but..” she stopped for a moment. “We need to talk before we go anywhere, ok?” She saw Angel nod in agreement but she could still see the fear in his eyes.

Cordy heard him apologise but he done that over and over again, saying sorry did not change what had happened did not make anything different or explain why? The, I’m sorry no longer mattered.

“Angel we were best friends and I thought that we could talk about anything but this thing with Darla why…” Cordy didn’t know how to continue she just wanted to know why he did what he did? Why she couldn’t come to them, to her?

Cordy just stared at him as he explained or tried to about Darla about the dreams and wanting to be saved or to save her but that didn’t explain why. She stood and walked over to him and laid a delicate hand on his shoulder. “But why couldn’t you come to us, to me?” She asked a slight hitch of anger to her voice. The anger started to vibrate through her body all he knew what she wanted to hear.

“I’m not going to use the dreams as an excuse but..” Angel stuttered for a moment.

She heard the anger in his voice as he vented. What right did he have to be angry, he betrayed them not the other way around. Tears came to her eyes, she was not one to throw stones she still hadn’t told him or any of them that she was dying. But this was different Cordy knew that if she told them their mission would be forgotten, Angel would stop on his path to redemption and so many innocents would die.

“Angel.” She said softly. “Just let me know how you feel, how you felt?” That is all she wanted, that is all she had ever wanted.

Fear hit her heart as his eyes blazed yellow Cordy couldn’t help it as she backed away from him until her back hit the hardness of the wall. His fist hit the wall behind her and she flinched Cordy tried not to cower from the vampire in front of her she could feel the anger vibrating from him, she could feel the power from each muscle, his power and strength seemed to surround her. Then his face changed the vampire the ridges appeared on his face, his fangs grew but when she heard him utter those words that he was a monster and that is what people saw, her eyes softened. Yes he had the demon within him and yes he was a vampire but she didn’t see a monster she saw her friend.

Cordy reached out and touched the ridges on his face. “I’ve always known this about you Angel.” She had to make him understand that there was more to him and that she had always known that but he didn’t seem to believe it not anymore. Had she done this to him?

She had moved forward to touch him but he slammed her hard back against the wall that made her teeth chatter. Cordy felt Angel’s tongue lick against her neck her body shivered and she wasn’t sure if it was from sexual or from fear, it may have been a little bit of both but her body reacted, she could feel the arousal course through her body. His mouth rose to her ear and his breath whispered across her lobe and he whispered, her body shook at the gentle tickle his words created on her skin.

“Do you understand do you truly trust me?” He said, his chest firm against hers and she could feel his anger vibrating through his chest as it ran through hers she raised her eyes and stared into his as he pulled his face away from her ear to look at her.

Chapter 7

Cordy stayed pushed up against the wall, she reached up and placed her hands on his chest and rested them there just touching him gently, and she could feel his muscles react to her touch. His body was deathly still against hers and she could feel his erection pressing into her stomach through the layers of both their clothing. It took all of her will power to look up into his eyes and not down to the obvious evidence of his desire for her. The seer looked into his eyes, they were almost black with arousal. Cordy gently pushed at his chest but it was like trying to move a brick wall, he didn’t budge, she tried again harder this time and still nothing.

“Angel.” She whispered huskily and watched as his eyes shook off the lust and actually focused on her.

Angel rubbed his face with his hand what the hell was he doing? He thought.

“Cordy I’m so..” Soft fingers pressed at his lips as the brunette stopped him talking.

“Don’t Angel, don’t say you’re sorry. We will talk about this,” she waved a hand between them indicating the attraction they had for each other, “later, but first things first.” She moved around him and went to the bed sitting so her head rested against the headboard. “So why did you leave us out? Me out?” She asked softly scared of what the answer would be but still needing to know.

“I don’t know if I can explain and if I do I’m scared that you will starting fearing me. I can’t, I don’t know if I could deal with that.” His eyes were now full of fear and sorrow.

“Angel I just want to know.” Cordy said patting the bed next to her indicating that he should sit down trying to make him at ease and show that she was going to listen.

He sighed and deep sigh and sat next to her and taking hold of her hand. His mind went back to when it all happened and he was tracing patterns over the palm of her hand as he did so.

“When the dreams started with Darla she knew the worst of me.” Cordy snorted. Angel turned to her and she stared all wide-eyes and innocence at him, he shook his head and no matter how he tried he couldn’t stop as a smile appeared on his face. “Anyway, I didn’t know at the time why I let myself be uhhh well with her.” If vampires could have blushed he would have been bright red at this moment. This was the last thing he wanted to talk about with Cordelia.

“Why?” She asked that was one of the things that Cordy didn’t understand, it was well Darla.

“Because I couldn’t be with the woman I loved.” He whispered afraid of what her reaction would be, he was terrified, what if she laughed in his face? So he stared down at his hands.

“Buffy.” Cordy automatically replied it broke her heart a little everytime someone mentioned their love, she kept telling herself that it was just worry about her best friend but with the whole Darla and then him betraying her, why did it hit her so hard? One day it hit her like a ton of bricks she was in love with him, head over heels totally in love with this dense stupid vampire.

“Buffy?” Angel looked at her confusion written all over his face, it took him a moment or two before he realised what she was talking about. He couldn’t believe it how could one woman be so observant one moment and totally dense the next. He opened his mouth to say something but Cordy shook her head.

“Carry on Angel.” Cordy didn’t want to hear how he would always love Buffy she didn’t want to see the sadness in his eyes. She wished that she could chase it all away.

He raised an eyebrow at her, they would talk about their feelings even if he had to tie her up and gag her so he could tell her. He mentally grinned at that thought, he coughed and tried to concentrate now was not the time to ravish his seer. Angel had to be honest with her.

“It was so easy to go back to what we had together, it’s so easy just to be dragged back to what you know.” He saw Cordelia’s questioning look. “We used each other, we played games, and we were exactly the same.” Angel’s eyes glazed over as the memories drowned him. “I was so tired and there I was not understanding all these feelings for you.” The vampire didn’t realise what he said and never noticed Cordy’s eyes widened he was trapped in his own memories and he carried on talking. “Not being able to kiss you, to touch you. It was driving me insane and then when your visions seemed to be getting worse and worse and all I could do was hold you not being able to take away the pain was killing me.” Angel didn’t notice Cordy’s face pale but she could see tears in his dark eyes. “I curse and damned myself time after time blaming myself for everything that had happened to you it was my fault. If you had never met up with me at that party you would have had a normal life. None of the problems, none of the pain that you have now. You could have had a normal life. You could have been happy.”

Cordelia’s mind had shut down after the part where he had said how hard it was not to touch her, to kiss and that he had feelings for her. Her mind began to catch up with everything else that he had said.

Angel just watched her, his seer’s face and a frozen expression but then flashes of emotion rushed across them surprise, shock, fear and then his breath caught, even though he didn’t need to breath, he hoped that it was love shining through those hazel orbs but in a flash it was gone and anger had replaced it, he knew that look, her hazel eyes glittered and he thought she had never looked more beautiful.

“You think that I would be happier with a ‘normal life’. “Cordy glared at him amazed at the stupidity of the vampire, but she replied in a deceptively calm voice, one that he knew that he should fear. “Angel I hate to tell you this but I have never had a normal life, if you hadn’t noticed I’m Cordelia Chase and me normal.” She pfft at him. “I SO don’t think so.” Her eyes softened as she smiled at her vampire. “I am happy, more happy that I ever thought I could be. I have a family whom I love and would do anything for. I just want my best friend back.”

Angel nodded understanding what she was talking about and then he continued talking, this is what she wanted. “I know it doesn’t put me in a good like that in my dreams I was using Darla because I didn’t have you. Then when I saw her for the first time I thought it was payback and seeing her in the sun, it was so unfair. I’m trying to earn redemption and there she was in the sun. I wanted her to hurt, I wanted to her to pay for everything. I was torn on one hand I wanted revenge she made me but I was obsessed because she was where I wanted to be. It was like a teenage rebelling from his family. The anger, the frustration was getting to me I felt as if I were going nowhere. So I pushed away, cut those out who could get to me. I locked away my emotions and I just kept making things worse I created that cycle myself and I had no idea how to get out of it and I was afraid of what would happen when I did? But you are still giving me a change. I am lucky to have all of you as my family, especially you Cordy.”

Cordy just sat and watched him. She did understand to a point. How she acted in high school with Harmony and Aura. It was amazing how you act around people you know and knew you, were like you. “But what about the lawyers?”

Angel smirked. “I know I should feel bad but it I kept thinking that we would all be safe and life would be so much easier without them.”

The brunette shook her head, yes she could see his point of view but most people just thought but they didn’t follow threw with the actual action and they didn’t leave a room full of lawyers with two insane vampires and then close the door and leave. It was at times like this that she could clearly see his demon.

Angel reached over with his other hand and touched her arm afraid that she would pull away. Would she still want him to lover her?

“Cordy?” He whispered wishing that he was anywhere but here. “Don’t leave me?”

“Angel I’m not going anywhere. I know the vampire you are. I’ve also met your soulless alter ego, remember. Thank you for being honest.” She said with a smile.

He knew that things were not perfect and it would take a lot to earn back their trust and respect but he would do it. He would prove that he was worthy of their friendship and love.

“I love you Cordelia Chase.” Angel said suddenly he couldn’t keep it in any longer as he gazed into her eyes.

Cordy’s eyes glistened with tears and her heart was over flowing with love for this vampire, this vampire with a soul, her vampire.

“I love you too Angel.” She replied.

They leaned towards each other it seemed as if time had slowed and it was an eternity before the lips touched each other briefly and they pulled back and looked at each other. They closed the gap once more sparks were ignited, fireworks appeared as they kissed it was a heart breakingly sweet kiss. They took time exploring each other’s mouths; the kiss became more and more passionate, more desperate. Angel pushed Cordy until they were laying flat on the bed. He pulled away just for a moment and stared down at her. Her face glowed with arousal. Angel was in awe how did he get so lucky to have this amazing and wonderful woman with him. He had done so much to the team, to her and everything that he had done in the past yet she still managed to love him.

Angel’s eyes roamed down her body taking in her luscious curves and then he heard the most beautiful thing and just for a moment it felt as the sun heated his body. He looked back at her face and he saw her laughing he was right, it was the sun. She was the thing that lit up his life.

Cordy watched as Angel leaned towards her but she stopped him by pressing his fingers against his cheeks.

“Slowly Angel.” She said grinning. The vampire nodded in agreement. “Just hold me?” She asked.

Angel lay down next to her and pulled her against his chest.

“For as long as you want.” He whispered against her wavy hair.

“How does forever sound?” She said as she snuggled against his chest.

“Sounds perfect.” He replied. “Cordy I still have the curse we may never.”

“Shut up Angel let’s just have this moment and then we can ask Wesley to research.”

“Sounds good.” Angel answered with a grin, closing his eyes he felt her breathing even out and slow and knew that she had fallen asleep and he closed his eyes and was lulled to sleep by her heartbeat.

THE END