Title: You’ve Got To
Keep The Faith
Author: Wereleopard
Posted:
Rating: PG
Genre: Drama
Summary: Season 1 AtS. Faith’s
POV while sitting in the police cell.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns Angel and all it’s characters I make nothing from this just for entertainment.
Distribution: FSB if anywhere else please just let me
know!
Feedback: Yes please!
Note: Second thing I wrote g
I look around and I
realise that I just sit
stare at these four walls, they are plain concrete, and there is nothing
interesting about them. I am actually in thought, thinking about where life has
taken me and how I got to this point. Well, there is not much else I can
do in here but stare at the walls and think, but I did expect it to feel like
these prison walls were closing in on me, you know the room getting smaller and
smaller. Yes I am in a cell, yes I am in prison but I do not feel caged. In a
way I feel free, freer then I have in a long time. It is a liberating feeling.
It, well, it feels good, maybe now I can move forward in my life. I am
sure that I have never felt like that before.
I’ve always been the bad girl and now I look back and know that I did
what people thought of me, I never stood back and thought no I don’t want to
do that, the badder it was the more it meant that I had to do it, not because I
wanted to, but because it was expected of me. It is strange that you start to do
those things automatically and never
realise that you are
not being original you are just using other peoples opinions and created this
creature around it.
I have done such horrible
things in my life, hurt many people. I'm not even sure I enjoyed it. It
was something I just did. It never felt like me, I didn't even know who I
was but I’m slowly finding out now the good and the bad, mostly the bad.
In some ways I wish I wasn't, because I can only blame myself for all the things
I have done. It will never go away, it will always be a part of me.
At some point in the future
maybe I can atone for what I have done. I don’t think that I will ever truly
make up for everything. In a way I am more of a monster then Angel ever was,
even in his darkest hours. He was created as a killer, his soul was taken, he
was made. I, on the other hand was just evil, I still had a soul and everything
else but I still killed and didn’t care. There was no remorse,
there was … nothing, a gaping black hole deep within. I had an emptiness
inside that I needed to fill. I can’t remember why I used pain; it feels
like I have always done it that way in my mind I can’t think of a time when I
was any different.
Things changed for me with
the dreams I had when I was in the coma. I no longer can recall them in much
detail, now it is just a case of feelings, I was lost, alone and confused. Then
switching with Buffy, living her life for a while made me
realise how different
we were. That made me angry and in a way I became her. I saw her when I looked
in the mirror and when people looked at me they saw the same and I just felt
compelled to help. I was tired of being Faith, the bad girl. I didn’t
want to be me any longer I needed and escape and this seemed like the perfect
opportunity but it didn’t last forever. Like anything pretend, it has to
come to an end.
When it was over I left as
quickly as I could and left for LA. The law firm hired me and when I found out
it was to kill Angel. It was all I could have wished for. Here was one man who
could end the horror for me but he didn't. I was so angry and frustrated I
couldn’t go on I wanted it to be over. He knew what I wanted no matter what I
did. I begged him to do it, to kill me. I told him I was truly evil but he
didn’t listen. He held me while I hit him, while I cried, he protected me from
everyone even from Buffy but I couldn’t let him save me. In the end I realised
only I could do that so here I am learning all about myself, finding out who
Faith is.
Things turned out the way
they are supposed to, you've got to keep the faith.
The End