Chapter 4

"Zac I have nothing to say," she said.

"Please we have never dealt with this. We need some closure," I pleaded with her.

"Why is that? You let me walk home by myself in tears. That five minute walk to my house seemed like five hours. I was so alone. I waited for you to come and follow me and see if I was ok, but you just let me go," Joy said to me.

Her words stung deeply. "I didn't know what to do. I was still in shock myself," I said as I remembered peering out the window at her as she limped home.

"Zac, I was your best friend," she screamed at me angrily.

"I was twelve years old. I barely even knew what I was doing," I said again.

"If you feel so damm bad for me, then why did you bring Taylor with you on Friday?" she screamed at me.

"I didn't. Isaac invited him," I said desperately.

"Well you still live with like nothing happened," she said pointing the finger at me.

"No I don't. I moved out two years ago and no one knows where I live not even Isaac," I said defending myself.

The look she was giving me softened a little bit. "I'm sorry. I didn't know," she said.

I looked at her and wanted to show her how much I deeply, deeply loved her, but I knew that this wasn't the time or place. "You look different," I said.

"I'm not the same girl anymore Zaccy," she said.

That's what she used to call me when we were kids. "The Joy that I know is in their somewhere," I said.

"That Joy died the day I left your house," she said.

"You know I wanted to tell so badly. I know you were hurting, but I was twelve and I was scared. No one would believe me. They would blame me for the whole thing," I said as I lifted her chin with my hand.

"But they would have believed me," she said as tears poured out of her eyes.

"There hasn't been a day that's passed that I haven't thought about you. I wondered everyday if you were ok. You left with no warning. I never got to say goodbye," I said sadly.

I fought off my tears. She was the victim. She needed to cry more than I did. "What did you expect would happen after I told my parents?" she said.

"If you told your parents how come they never pressed any charges," I said.

"Because I didn't tell them who was involved. I wanted to protect you," she said.

My chest became heavy with anxiety. I felt so guilty. "You shouldn't have done that. It was my job to protect you, but I let you down didn't I," I said as I headed for the door.

"Zac please wait," she said.

I turned around one last time to face her. "You were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen and you were all I wanted in the world and I let something terrible happen to you. I don't deserve to be talking to you right now," I said as I walked out the front door and out of Joy's life.

I realized that I'm not what she needs. Her life is better this way.

It was around 7pm. I was ready to start the day. "Hi," she said as she tried to remember my name.

"I met you on Friday at open mic night," I said.

This was my way of testing her. "Yeah. Your name was Taylor right," she said.

"No, that was my brother. I'm Isaac," I said I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice.

But what did I expect. "Oh I'm sorry. I did remember you, but the name Taylor stuck in my head for some reason," she said.

"So I was wondering if you'd like to join me for dinner at around 10 tonight," I asked. "Ten o clock. Who eats dinner at ten o' clock? That's way too late. I'll be in bed by then," she said.

That wasn't a no, so there was still hope. "So then you'll join me," I said.

"Why do you eat dinner so late?" she asked me.

She was changing the subject. That is never good. "I wake up at 5pm everyday, so I eat dinner at 10pm," I said.

It made perfect sense to me. "What time do you go to bed?" she asked.

"Seven a.m.," I replied.

She stared at me for a moment. "Listen, if you want to have dinner with me. Then, try getting up at three and we can have a seven o'clock dinner," I said.

"What?" I asked.

I was shocked. "Those are my terms. If you're still interested in dinner then you'll do it. Here is my number," she said as she handed me a piece of paper and she was off.

I stared at her as she walked away. She so wants me. I'm the man. I can't say I blame her I do have a hot body.

She would run down the docks to meet and her hair would swing in the wind and the sun would bring out that golden shimmer. She would say it so fast, almost as if she thought if she didn't get it out in one breath then she'd forget what to say. And then she'd smile at me and wait for my reply. She used to think the whole world was sunshine and rainbows. When I look at her now, I can't believe she's fallen so far away from herself.

When I look at myself, I believe that twelve year old boy is in their somewhere, but when I look at her, she makes me feel like he is gone. She is so dark and sad. I remember the day after the incident like it was yesterday.

I was sitting on the couch very aloof, staring out into what seemed like emptiness to me. I was trying to heal, but all I could think about was whether or not Joy was ok. Taylor sat on the couch across from me and acted as if nothing happened. Isaac walked through the door. "Hey mom," he called.

"What is it sweetheart?" she asked.

"I went to return that book to Mrs. Bryant and they weren't there. Some woman answered the door she told me they moved," Isaac said.

My heart stopped for a few seconds. "NO," I said as I stood up.

"Oh my goodness. Who just gets up and leaves in one day? Do you know why they left?" Diana asked.

"I don't know how to say this," Isaac said as he turned to face me.

"It's Joy she was raped by some guy in the park," Isaac said softly.

"Huh," Diana gasped.

"That's terrible," Taylor said.

I got up and left the room, I remember hearing my mother calling me back to the room begging me to talk about it, but I just went to my room and my tears clouded my eyes. I took all of the pictures of Joy off of the dresser and put them away in a box.

I had to tell myself she was dead. That's the only way I'll be able to deal with this. That's the last thing I remember before sleeping that night. My cell phone rang bringing me back to reality. "Hi mom," I said softly.

I could hear the sadness in her voice. "No. I can't come over for dinner on Friday. I'm sorry. I have a lot of school work," I said.

I could hear the disappointment in my mother's voice. "No. I'm sorry. You can't come over to my place either, because I can't tell you where I live. One day you will understand though," I said.

"Okay I love you too," I said as I clicked my phone shut.

I leaned over the dock and stared at my reflection in the water. There I was as a twelve year old boy and then there was Joy right next to me. "Come on Zac," I could hear her voice in mind as if she were standing right next to me.

I stared at the water again and the reflection disappeared beneath the surface.