WALK THE LINE:
THE ESSENTIAL SCRIPT
FADE
IN:
INT. PRISON
JOAQUIN PHOENIX stares at a saw, an object that obviously
bears
profound meaning.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT.
YOUNG JOAQUIN PHOENIX walks around, and HIS MEAN AND
FOUL-MOUTHED FATHER hates him.
ROBERT PATRICK
I don't love my son Joaquin Phoenix, for some Goddamn
mysterious reasons that won't be revealed in this movie.
YOUNG JOAQUIN
Well at least I have my sweet brother Lucas Till to play with.
He sings songs with LUCAS. Then LUCAS dies from a saw
accident,
not too surprisingly.
ROBERT PATRICK
Now I will hate you forever, Joaquin. Go away and rot in hell.
YOUNG JOAQUIN
How tragic! See? My childhood misfortune has justified the
future me being an utter asshole!
He grows up and runs away from the countryside. Eventually,
he
marries rich girl GINNIFER GOODWIN for random reasons and proceeds to have kids.
JOAQUIN
I love singing religious country songs. Since I have failed
to
be the breadwinner in my family by pursuing a salesman career due to my sheer
incompetence, I will naturally resort to singing.
He rehearses and immediately succeeds in selling his
IRRITATING
COUNTRY MUSIC SUNG IN HIS WACKY VOICE. Then he becomes FAMOUS within months.
AUDIENCE
Wow, that was quick and effective. They've covered the first
23
years of Johnny Cash's life - from childhood to career success - in a matter of
minutes. If the movie continues at this pace I will probably be done with it in
half an hour.
DIRECTOR JAMES MANGOLD
Actually, this is only this movie's beginning. Now up with
the
repetitive!
INT.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX suddenly meets with REESE WITHERSPOON in a
comical chance encounter.
AUDIENCE
Hold on; that's June Carter, his real-life future wife! So
Johnny marries June because he has cheated on his current wife?
JOAQUIN
(talking to GINNIFER on phone)
Honey, my concert was a huge success. You must congratulate
me,
otherwise you will be very sorry.
GINNIFER GOODWIN (O.S.)
Er, right, whatever. Listen, you picked a bad time to call
me.
Our kids are now screaming in a ridiculously high-pitched voice and that's
drastically shortening my life span. Perhaps you should take some
responsibility when it comes to children rearing.
JOAQUIN
I'm so frustrated! See? It is this kind of indifferent
attitude
towards me fulfilling my enormous ego that prompts me to cheat on my wife!
Unsatisfied with his wife, JOAQUIN PHOENIX begins to seduce
REESE WITHERSPOON.
INT. SOME OTHER PLACE
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
I can't love you, Joaquin. I'm a good little legally redhead
once wounded by this irresponsible man whom I loved. Now I'm afraid of giving
my heart away.
JOAQUIN
Cut off the cliché! I've heard this sentence for so
many times
that I know NO ONE can take it THAT seriously.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
Actually you are right. But I will still reject you, in order
to be likable.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX, REESE WITHERSPOON and a number of DRUNKARD
COUNTRY MUSIC ARTISTS travel around the country to give concerts and make
money. This makes JOAQUIN really want to cheat on GINNIFER.
INT. SOME OTHER PLACE
JOAQUIN
Let's have sex.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
No. I'm afraid of love and plus you do have a wife.
JOAQUIN
Then let's kiss.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
Sure.
They DO. But JOAQUIN is greedy and wants more. When REESE
declines, he becomes wistful and annoyed.
INT.
JOAQUIN
I've moved my house to
GINNIFER GOODWIN
Shut up. As your faithful wife, I don't want to hear about
other women's attempts to lure you into sex.
JOAQUIN
How infuriating and despicable! And this is why I must cheat
on
her!
INT. SOME OTHER PLACE IN THE
JOAQUIN
Let's have sex.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
No.
(pause)
Okay. I have suddenly changed my mind for no good reason.
They wake up together in REESE' hotel room and tease each
other
in a tedious and annoyingly childish fashion for at least 20 minutes. This is
meant to be ROMANTIC.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
(giggling like a moron)
Joaquin, you naughty dog, you. Your wife will be really angry.
JOAQUIN
(smirking like an asshole)
She won't know a thing. Unless I tell her, that is.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
(giggling like a moron)
Then what about the drug? Are you going to tell her that as
well?
JOAQUIN
(smirking like an asshole)
No; but I will tell the FBI.
INT. SOME BORDER BETWEEN TWO STATES
THE FBI
You are under arrest, Mr. Phoenix, for illegally carrying
drugs
from a state to another state.
JOAQUIN
But I'm Joaquin Phoenix. You should worship me.
THE FBI
Whatever.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX goes to jail. But too soon he's bailed out.
His
singing career partially ruined, he retreats and goes home.
INT.
GINNIFER GOODWIN
For months you haven't given me a single phone call. Now you
come home only because you've been arrested.
JOAQUIN
How dare you complain?! I will now tell you everything that
you
don't want to know: I'VE BEEN CHEATING ON YOU! HA HA HA!
GINNIFER GOODWIN
Stop saying that!
JOAQUIN
I'm fuckin' saying it! And I'm fuckin' gonna tell everybody
that I've been fuckin' cheating on you! Then I'll fuckin' hang Reese
Witherspoon's pictures all over the place nosily at 6:30 on Monday morning!
Then I will fuckin' physically abuse you right in front of my kids -
GINNIFER GOODWIN
That's enough. I'm leaving and I'll take the kids.
AUDIENCE
Damn right you should've done that earlier.
JOAQUIN
(heartbroken and pathetic)
Oh no! What a heartbreaking surprise! You audience REALLY
should sympathize me!
Astonished and dispirited, JOAQUIN decides to rot in hell,
like
what his father has told him to do. Luckily, our good ol' REESE WITHERSPOON
arrives to save the day.
JOAQUIN
(heartbroken and pathetic, sobbing)
I just realize that I'm a desperately unlikable asshole,
Reese.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
Nah, you are just a big pussy. And that's curable. I will
help
you.
She DOES. Within 10 seconds JOAQUIN becomes FAMOUS
and
WELL-LOVED again.
CUT BACK TO PRESENT:
INT. PRISON
JOAQUIN
No, I haven't married Reese Witherspoon. Yet.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX sings for veteran prisoners and displays
empathy towards them, because he himself had been a prisoner for less than
three days.
END
INT. JOAQUIN
JOAQUIN
Marry me.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
No.
JOAQUIN
Oh c'mon baby...
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
Rot in hell.
END
INT.
SOME CONCERT HALL - ON STAGE
JOAQUIN
Marry me.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
No.
JOAQUIN
Why not?
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
I'm just your friend. And I don't want to trap myself under
your big fat shadow.
JOAQUIN
Don't you see that you are already under my big fat shadow?
Since the time you began to help me you've been sinking yourself into my career
and now that you have sunk so deep, without my presence your soundtracks won't
sell.
REESE WITHERSPOON'S CHEEKBONES
Shit. Then let's get married.
END
EXT.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX behaves like a good father and even teaches
ROBERT PATRICK how to be a good grandfather. This is MEANINGFUL because JOAQUIN
was an ASSHOLE and now, after he has married REESE, he suddenly ISN'T.
END
OFFENSIVE TEXT EPILOGUE WITH CHEESY COUNTRY MUSIC
So JOAQUIN and REESE go on and live happily ever after,
except
for the time when he also cheats on REESE in the future. Despite that, in light
of JOAQUIN and REESE' MOVING LOVE STORY, every man who has seen this movie
should therefore learn to WALK THE LINE (i.e. to divorce his current wife and
marry his secret TRUELOVE).
END