I've given this a lot of thought, for most of the morning in fact, and I've come to the conclusion that the failure of orthodox physics to explain the existence of Garth Brooks is due to the refusal of mainstream physicists to look beyond the dogma which shackles them, preventing them from seeing that the principle underlying all natural phenomena, as well as some unnatural phenomena, is simply that of things absorbing things, matter absorbing photons, paper absorbing fluids, amoebae absorbing organic particles, John Goodman absorbing jelly rolls, only the scale varying, this principle, known as the Principle of Things Absorbing Things, having been first articulated millions of years ago by Absorba the Greek, who was a contemporary of Play-Doh and who might have actually witnessed the Big Bang, although we don't know for sure because Absorba won't tell us, which is because he's dead, this principle also having possibly formed the basis for the Principle of Indeterminacy, although it's hard to tell, and Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, although I can't be sure, and there are some intriguing parallels with Bible profligacies and the predilections of Nostradamus, the main point of course being that electrons are from Mars and photons are from Venus and that light consists not of photons but of really really small Brillo pads and that electricity is caused by all those trees falling in the forest with no one to hear them and so the sound has nowhere to go but up into the clouds where it absorbs proscenium atoms left over from the Big Bang and is thus transformed into electricity, which hates clouds and looks for somewhere to jump to, like a wall socket, but sometimes misses and hits the ground instead (lightning), the thunder of course being some of the sound from the trees which didn't absorb proscenium atoms and thus didn't get turned into electricity, this being the way lightning says, "Oh, shit! I missed the wall socket and hit the ground instead!", although of course this doesn't explain why you can't roast hot dogs with an electric guitar, which is however nicely explained by Grace's Equivalency Theorem, which states that everything is the same thing as itself, at least for velocities less than zero or greater than the speed of light, whichever comes first (see only your authorized quantum mechanic, not a fluid mechanic or a celestial mechanic), except when it isn't, or when Lamarck rises from the grave seeking vengeance or noodles or thousands of rat tails, and which when combined with the Three Quarks For Muster Mark Theorem of T. Mighty Finn adequately accounts for plate tectonics and paradigm shifts, not to mention orthodigm and metadigm shifts, which will all become clearer when Finn again wakes and explains it, and provides a semi-reasonable explanation for the beginning of the universe by theorizing that Wayne Newton absorbed a photon AND an electron and exploded with the formation of a bewildering variety of previously unknown particles, the Bigon, the Badon, the Peedon, the Shiton, the Hardon, and the Moron, the latter two of which traveled backward in time and destroyed everyone's parents and then became two Volvos which collided and caused the Big Bang, which shows why Schroedinger got it wrong when he said that a cat was neither alive nor dead until you looked at it, when in fact there is actually no such thing as cats, and also conclusively proves that all matter and energy are made of 10-dimensional illusions and that time is only spaghetti and how do you like your blue-eyed boy mr. death?
